I'm just not doing well....

erratic

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It's seriously torture because I feel like if I stop talking to him for a day, I will go insane or become miserable.

You won't. Make it happen. You won't go crazy. You've gone many, many days without him. You'll be fine.

You obsess about this man because you see him every day. You've become sensitized to him, as opposed to desensitized to him. You can try all you want to think your way out of this, but in the end you have to remove yourself from the situation - or just get bored of him. You have control over the former, so I say go for it. Spend a day without contact with him. You will live.

As other have pointed out, the facts are very much against this ever going well. He's straight, potentially closeted, and apparently coupled with a woman. The alarm bells couldn't be wailing any louder.

OP, there are lots of wonderful, huge-dicked, well-adjusted gay men out there. I recommend you find one. You may well still be able to be friendly with your crush, so don't think like this is some all-or-nothing scenario. Experience tells me that once you find yourself a happy, well-adjusted gay guy, this straight-ish already-coupled man won't seem so attractive any more.
 

DaddiesBoy

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Maybe I am sick in the head.... why does it make a difference to you? Yes I see 3 therapists and 2 psychiatrists. Yes I take 9 medications every day. Yes there are several things wrong with me. I'm here for support. I'm not here for someone else, a stranger not to mention, to tell me I'm sick in the head....
 

Countryguy63

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I don't believe we are qualified to help you, except to advise further counseling/therapy.

I don't necessarily believe that to be 100% true, but close. We can offer common sense suggestions.

jphil, We can sugar coat it, string you along, and maybe even try and justify your feelings, but the simple answer is that you only have a limited amount of choices....

1. Learn to cope with your feelings, and remain friends.
2. Cut off contact with this guy because it is too difficult to separate your desires from a platonic friendship
3. Continue on as is, and run the risk of having your heart and your friendship broken.

4. And above all, use one or more of your counselors to deal with the above that you choose

Good Luck :smile:
 

fun21

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I agree with crescendo, I don't feel qualified to advise you. I feel as though your situation is complicated and that I would need so much more insight to offer advise, even then I am no therapist or counselor.

What I can offer are my observations, you seem to be a friendly guy, a guy who is musically talented, and a handsome fellow. I appreciate some of the threads you've posted and I feel like you are a very honest genuine person. I feel sadness inside when I hear about these troubles in you life, but I hope that the amazing person you seem to be can overcome this difficult time in your life. I think there has been good advice given already in this thread, along with some less than thoughtful comments which I hope do not get you down too much. (Hugs) -Mike
 

badger2395

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I don't necessarily believe that to be 100% true, but close. We can offer common sense suggestions.

jphil, We can sugar coat it, string you along, and maybe even try and justify your feelings, but the simple answer is that you only have a limited amount of choices....

1. Learn to cope with your feelings, and remain friends.
2. Cut off contact with this guy because it is too difficult to separate your desires from a platonic friendship
3. Continue on as is, and run the risk of having your heart and your friendship broken.

4. And above all, use one or more of your counselors to deal with the above that you choose

Good Luck :smile:

Pretty much. It's problematic, but letting things continue as they are is a decision. Not necessarily a *good* one but a decision as well. Better to pick a course of action and then proceed cautiously.
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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It's seriously torture because I feel like if I stop talking to him for a day, I will go insane or become miserable.

one more vote for a qualified therapist.....

we can only tell you what we think from what you've said.
Sounds very unhealthy....

The sooner you schedule an appointment the better... Several have already said it and I believe it's the best advice you can get here.
 

MountainScott

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I just joined up here & I've already stumbled on the relationship & advice section. Why not weigh in? Jason, you are tearing yourself up inside. People gave you some OK advice: 1) YES! Discuss this in a therapy session. You're in therapy now? Shit, most of us are for things. But if you don't discuss this particular thing in a session when it's tormenting you, then you're not getting your value out of it. 2) Definitely go a day without talking to the guy, as hard as that is. You can almost compare it to kicking an addiction. Take the first step. Or keep the conversation friendly & away from those sex-related areas. 3) Respect the guy's family. Maybe he IS a closet case. It's not your job to open his door. I know guys in their 60s who finally came out. 4) Consider this twist. If the guy was GAY and in a partnered, committed GAY relationship, would you try to fool around and get in the way of his relationship, even if he's flirting with you constantly and even if you had those strong feelings? NO, you would NOT. I've been the third wheel in what was an open but serious relationship. I stayed the third wheel and got dumped. And the guy ended things because he was developing strong feelings for me, and I was for him. He realized what relationship came first. Didn't feel great and I was 25 at the time. It still hurts when I think about it & it was a BIG mistake. Good luck, guy. I'll check out your other posts and see what else is on this site.
 

gymfresh

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Stop and think for a moment that in your present state of mind you may not be attractive or beneficial to this guy you care about so much. Don't analyze it all from your standpoint alone; would you want someone pursuing you who was unrealistically obsessed with you? Who fantasized about what you are rather than sees what you are?

What's your goal? To see his penis? To hold his penis? You say you want so badly "to be with him". What does that even mean? To sleep with him? To be in a partner relationship with him? To have him whisk you off to the Seychelles? It sounds like you want to inhale his very being or devour him... where is the balance in this friendship?

I agree with some of the others that too much contact is merely fueling unhealthy feelings. The best solution is time away to wean yourself from the obsession. Try a vacation. Some change of scenery (ideally, of continent). Then let us know that you're doing better.
 

aninnymouse

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Get out of here! None of that is needed. Why don't you research the original purpose of this site....

D00d.

Don't post stuff in a public forum if you're not prepared to get responses you don't like. People say awful stuff. People say awful stuff on the Internet. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Also, JSYK, this site was started as a parody site. Nothing serious about it. It evolved into something more, but its' "Original Purpose" was merely Porn and Parody.


BTW, I think you need to distance yourself from this guy. I know he's been a mentor to you, and outlet, but you yourself recognize it's not healthy what you're doing. The best thing you can do is to walk away for awhile. Yes, it'll be hard, but it's what you have to do.

Find a good therapist you click with, and then work on the issues that you have that are holding you back. You'll be grateful for it later.
 

B_debonair87

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Get out of here! None of that is needed. Why don't you research the original purpose of this site....

you need to not me. this ain't an obsession support group

Maybe I am sick in the head.... why does it make a difference to you? Yes I see 3 therapists and 2 psychiatrists. Yes I take 9 medications every day. Yes there are several things wrong with me. I'm here for support. I'm not here for someone else, a stranger not to mention, to tell me I'm sick in the head....

maybe you need to up your dosage.

them therapist aren't doing wonders for you. time to get checked into a ward.

the shit you've said on here leads me to believe you'd end up hurting yourself or doing something stupid like burning that dudes house down with his family in it or something like that.

what an unhealthy obsession.
 

ConanTheBarber

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Even if you make a move and he goes for it does not mean that the two of you will have a relationship. If he is already in a relationship and identifies as straight than you need to let it go. If you think you are feeling lost and hurt now, imagine how you will feel when you get a "taste" of a relationship with him but is still anavalable to you exclusively. You will get very hurt in this set up.
I agree with this. Even if jphil gets a taste of what he wants, that way lies greater pain and sense of loss.
There's nothing there for him except to distance himself.
I know how painful this can be. I've been in such situations. They're excruciating.

Maybe I am sick in the head.... why does it make a difference to you? Yes I see 3 therapists and 2 psychiatrists. Yes I take 9 medications every day. Yes there are several things wrong with me. I'm here for support. I'm not here for someone else, a stranger not to mention, to tell me I'm sick in the head....
Really. I've never heard of this. Three therapists and two psychiatrists -- concurrently? I must say, my bs detector is humming a bit. Don't mean to insult you, but having several therapists at once is usually confusing and not helpful at all.

A problem of your situation is that when we are most needy, we are least attractive. We become contracted. We can't see things clearly. We are impatient.
Even if this person could conceivably make room for you in his life (and there doesn't seem to be any indication of that), it would probably not happen in your current state.
I'm with the many people who suggest you exert your will and back off.
I know it will be hard, but you're going to feel far more pain if you choose any other course.
(Sheesh. You're just 18. Those are the heartsick years. Good luck.)
 

ConanTheBarber

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you need to not me. this ain't an obsession support group

maybe you need to up your dosage.

them therapist aren't doing wonders for you. time to get checked into a ward.

the shit you've said on here leads me to believe you'd end up hurting yourself or doing something stupid like burning that dudes house down with his family in it or something like that.

what an unhealthy obsession.

I know you're a direct and forthright and what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy (I actually enjoy your posts), but this really is a harsh thing to say to a person who's obviously feeling pretty fragile right now.
 

august86

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jphil, We can sugar coat it, string you along, and maybe even try and justify your feelings, but the simple answer is that you only have a limited amount of choices....

1. Learn to cope with your feelings, and remain friends.
2. Cut off contact with this guy because it is too difficult to separate your desires from a platonic friendship
3. Continue on as is, and run the risk of having your heart and your friendship broken.

4. And above all, use one or more of your counselors to deal with the above that you choose

Good Luck :smile:

you seem to be a friendly guy, a guy who is musically talented, and a handsome fellow. I appreciate some of the threads you've posted and I feel like you are a very honest genuine person. I feel sadness inside when I hear about these troubles in you life, but I hope that the amazing person you seem to be can overcome this difficult time in your life. I think there has been good advice given already in this thread, along with some less than thoughtful comments which I hope do not get you down too much. (Hugs) -Mike

I agree with some of the others that too much contact is merely fueling unhealthy feelings. The best solution is time away to wean yourself from the obsession. Try a vacation. Some change of scenery (ideally, of continent). Then let us know that you're doing better.
Totally agree with Country, Fun and Gymfresh.
These feelings toward a mentor are normal, but clearly it's reaching proportions that need serious attention.
Your counsellor/therapist would be best equipped with things like coping methods, and most importantly, ways to refocus your mind and attention.

Every friendship/relationship goes through phases and stages, maybe for your benefit and that of him and his family, daily (constant) communication is not the best right now.

Please don't see this as a fairy tale where your goal is to triumph against all odds and everything will be "happily ever after", by getting your prince charming...
The consequences here are far greater than just a bruised ego.
Some of the negative outcomes of not it cooling off here: you end up alone and miserable, his family broken, kids damaged, not to mention the flood of rumours and hatred that will come your way.

Listen to your fellow members, they have life experience and are not telling you this to be mean, hurtful, condescentive or to mock you and your feelings. We don't want to see you hurt, or anyone else for that matter, especially when it could have been prevented.
Good luck Jay.
 

B_debonair87

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I know you're a direct and forthright and what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of guy (I actually enjoy your posts), but this really is a harsh thing to say to a person who's obviously feeling pretty fragile right now.

This kid is 18 he knows right from wrong and he knows what hes doing isn't right. He mentioned that him calling this guy everyday is causing problems for that dudes family.

He wants to be a homewrecker and he's trying to get this guy to show him his dick which is just gonna heighten his obsession and he refuses to take a step back and says he has "no control over his own behavior". then he's on some "i can't eat, sleep or breathe if i don't talk to him everyday". seriously?

this behavior is bothersome and sick.