I'm not feeling right

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by D_Martin van Burden, Nov 11, 2007.

  1. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,365
    Likes Received:
    6
    I went out to dinner with some co-workers tonight. We finally got around to celebrating a couple of contest winners at the fashion shop. I won a contest for selling the most shoes in the period. Another girl one for selling the most outerwear. Our managers treated us out to dinner at TGI Friday's.

    I ran into a girl that I used to be cool with a couple of years ago. She dated one of my neighbors -- actually, two different guys sharing two different apartments in the same house (scandalous, I know) -- and we forged our own get-along. We were variably cool and close. She's not originally from Lexington, and she's trying to do school and finish up stuff so she can move back east and continue with a job or education. Like other servers, we share this strange rut. We make okay money, but life doesn't seem to have enough going for it. She's trying to move on. I verbalized something similar, and, tonight, something kinda clicked in my heart.

    I think I've got an okay plan. Some of you know that I just went to Los Angeles, and I've been checking out graduate programs for next fall. Maybe a couple of months ago, I was pretty self-satisfied. All I would have to do is apply for schools, maintain working, and try to get my finances in order so that the move could happen. Then, I would start talking with different friends I have across the country, and make this fancy battle plan to spend one month on the road and visit everyone and have a good time. Between that inner yearning for freedom and feeling rather dissatisfied at working this same grind for over a year now, I think I'm losing it a little.

    I'm not as happy as I think I should be. I'm not happy here. I think I'm really pissed off that I'm uprooting from my apartment. It's for my own good; I don't have to put up with my roommate's annoying dog anymore, for starters. But still, I gotta pick up and get my shit out of here. If I don't, it'll just keep getting more antagonistic and I already lived that way once. It's a nightmare! And it's hard. The instability is rough.

    I don't like being in this city. I'm really different, you know. I can get along with people, but I'm not getting a lot of stimulation. I work way too hard at the health clinic, and I'm not all about being super nice to people. I'm getting drained at the fashion shop, and now I have to consider a careful night job change because the restaurant tips aren't there like they need to be. I love school; I hate that it's a year out from now. And sometimes the reality sets in that I'm 27, that I'm not all that far from 30, and I really still don't have much to show for it. I'm lagging behind the curve, and I keep feeling like I'm always hustling my way forward and it's pretty psychologically demanding.

    I can't drop out, though. I know some people just throw their hands up and say "fuck it," and as tempting as that idea sounds, I have to keep supporting myself. The world isn't going to go away just because I want to get away from it. I spent way too much time building good credit.

    I'm sorry, guys.

    I feel a little emotional this evening. I don't get like this very often. I'm usually a rock, and I don't find myself feeling very vulnerable. I'm just a little tired. My room is a wreck, and I haven't committed to throwing away all of my crap just yet. I sold some stuff. I got a little misty-eyed when I typed "I feel a little emotional..."

    I'm unhappy because I'm trying to hustle. I've been asking myself what's the best way to come up with more money, and I'm already tight on hours. I've been thinking of swapping jobs, how to be direct about it if I talk to other employers. I've also been thinking about California and how awesome it would be to find a decent gig out there and just pack up the car too. I'm a little off-kilter. I just need to pick a path already.
     
  2. IntoxicatingToxin

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2006
    Messages:
    10,133
    Likes Received:
    151
    Awe! First things first... stop stressing yourself out! Life is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Keep that in mind. If you aren't having fun, then something is wrong.
     
  3. simcha

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2007
    Messages:
    2,242
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Over The Rainbow
    :wink:
     
  4. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    10,576
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Warwick, NY, USA
    This happens when we yearn for our goals. We set down a path, realize the path will be difficult and unfulfilling in itself because it will lead to something that will fulfill us. Right now you're frustrated that you're still in the difficult and unfulfilling part. That's very normal. The usual cure is to reinfuse your enthusiasm for the goal you're working toward. Like if you were learning to be a chef and working your ass off at three jobs and going to school, you might go to a celebrity chef restaurant one in a while to reinvigorate your spirit and remind you of what you're working to achieve.

    There is no age where you don't stop and think, I have so much yet to do, if you are living a satisfying life. People who don't do that are dead inside. Ignore whatever supposed curve is out there and just continue to be Dee Blackthorne. Are those other people going to do it for you? What's to say they're not going to turn around and chuck it all in ten years and start over on a wholly different path? Remind yourself sometime that it only looks like everyone else has their act together. Nobody is without doubts or questions.

    You just came back from California where you had a great time and then came back to the same old routine you have in Kentucky. It's no wonder the grass seemed a lot greener on the other side. You were relaxing, having fun, seeing and experiencing new things. Channel that energy to revitalize your work and find a way to get enthusiastic again about your goal.
     
  5. snoozan

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2006
    Messages:
    3,568
    Likes Received:
    4
    me too.

    someone shoot me please.
     
  6. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    12,807
    Likes Received:
    8
    I'm sorry you're feeling a bit shitty Dee. You're right - you usually are a rock, least you come across that way. We all have our moments though and there really is nothing wrong with that. If you don't know where you're going or what path you need to take then maybe it just isn't time to pick that path yet. Sit back, wait a little bit to give your feelings some time to sort themselves out. That might take a few days, it might take a few months - but it will happen.

    Tread water for a while - a path will present itself. And most of all, difficult as it is, try not to sweat it. Life may be short but that doesn't mean you get more living in if you run at it full tilt.

    Bang!

    There ya go, honey.
     
  7. Big en

    Big en New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2007
    Messages:
    315
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    England
    Suck it up and deal with it!!!!:mad:

    Only kidding change is good and necessary. Come on CA verses KY....you are going to have a blast....Think of it as an adventure:biggrin1::tongue::biggrin1:
     
  8. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2002
    Messages:
    3,365
    Likes Received:
    6
    Heh. Thanks, gang.

    I'm okay today. I slept well last night, and I woke up and said that I just need to focus on one thing at a time. You know, make a daily project. If I really wanna be a tool, I can just get a big dry erase board and write the daily thing in big, bold letters so that I don't get too confused. ;)

    I got some stuff packed up. I get off work tonight at six and I don't have anything planned, so I can just put on a Family Guy DVD and get some things rearranged. I've got more free time tomorrow to look into a warehouse that might still be hiring.

    Honestly, it's okay that I got a little upset. I needed that. And Thanksgiving is coming up so I get a few days to relax and have a good time. I just have to stick it out a little longer.
     
  9. arliss

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2,780
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    :confused:--glad you feel better
     
  10. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,203
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
  11. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    10,576
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Warwick, NY, USA
    Then afterwards you can have.....

    [​IMG]
     
  12. DGirl

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2007
    Messages:
    1,811
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere on EARTH.
    Hey man, I know this is going to sound CRAZY. But, you are still young enough to go to the Military. No, not everyone has to go to the MIDDLE EAST. I hope you all know that..." It depends on your job. Also you have College behind you. So, you can look into a Officer program once you get in..."
    I know what you mean about getting OLDER and not being where you THINK you should be. I am 30ish and I am still working at a Crappy cashiers job!! Hell, the money does not even stay in my OWN freaking pockets!! I have to send the dough home and keep the family housed. I also want a child and ALL of my friends STOPPED asking me WHEN I am going to start a family!!!!?? I feel like crap sometimes. But, I KEEP going and live the life that is going to happen. Just remember D, everything happens for a reason..." So don't think that your life is not GOOD. Thier is always someone who WISH they could be in YOUR place..." But, if you do want to change it. Make sure you have some friends in the areas that you are going. Just in case the funds don't match up!!

    GOOD LUCK in your choices!!!!!!! I hope everything goes well...":smile:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted