I'm on the verge of making a huge mistake...

[wallyj84]

OMG what?!??! So basically you know she's using you so that she can live in America, and you don't want to be back with her but don't want to be alone, and admit that this is an attempt, by you, to get the relationship back together as "prelude to getting married" but you can't stop yourself, and you admit that HER endgame in all of this is to live in the states but not really be with you???

dafuq?

How can you think this is a rekindling of your relationship--the same one you can't believe you 'wasted' time in before--if she sees it as only a "green card" opportunity??? You are both fucking each other over, and worse, you are fucking yourself over on this too. You are admitting that you are both using each other. So do you plan to be intimate again? Please don't go that way, because then there will yet another thing that either you or her will be dependent on that can continue the "relationship" both of you really don't want.

That is essentially the situation.

She might like me, though. She was the one who initiated contact to begin with. We hadn't talked for about four years and then out of the blue on Christmas she contacted me and said that she had been thinking of me. I was on my way to returning to the US though, and was seeing someone else, so I wasn't able to do anything while we were still in the same country, but that's what got the ball rolling on the current situation.

So maybe she does care about me. Maybe I can be with her and not be alone. Maybe I can give her what she wants and she'll love me for that. Maybe I can be with someone and not be alone. Maybe I can have sex and be happy like a normal person. Like everyone else. If I can just make this work, maybe I can stop feeling lonely.

 

[766055]

let me tell you what she see if she is looking at you:

just let this thing go.
Isnt it strange that she visited you right before you left the country? She is just using you.
I know how it feel to be lonely - trust me. But I also know how to be lonely in a relationship - which is much worse.
Pls dont let her in your life just because you need "someone". Youve broke up 4 yrs ago. That was not happened accidental.

You are a healthy man with qualities. You onlz need more confidence. I belive in you.

 

[Mercurygirl]

So maybe she does care about me. Maybe I can be with her and not be alone. Maybe I can give her what she wants and she'll love me for that. Maybe I can be with someone and not be alone. Maybe I can have sex and be happy like a normal person. Like everyone else. If I can just make this work, maybe I can stop feeling lonely.

Yep, and maybe a jilted desperate woman who's physical appeal market value is dropping rapidly isn't dangerous. Maybe no communication for 4 years and then out of the blue her contacting you on Christmas Day doesn't give you a moment of pause and clear insight into exactly who you're dealing with. Maybe painting that pathetic scene in your head is a mistake. Maybe thinking about what led up to a woman lowering herself to that desperate, void of self respect, moment (in her pathetic life) shouldn't even enter your mind. Maybe you're not the last branch she can grab at on her 'chance for a better life' citizenship tree before she hits the fucking ground. Maybe once she moves in with you she's won't make it her mission to get pregnant and thus legally own your ass.

Yeah, maybe, just maybe, the Moon is made of cheese and if that's true maybe you're not fucked beyond belief if you go through with this. Maybe when all is said and done you won't be so lonely as you are now.

And maybe wishing you good luck isn't a complete waste of my time. Maybe.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

The purpose of moving in together would be to restart our relationship.

She knows this, I know this. I don't care what she does when we're not in a relationship, but I do expect some amount of faithfulness from a partner.

I don't want to be with her, but I'm putting myself in a situation where I'll be with her again. That's the problem.

Okay- I'll be the one to volunteer an opinion contrary to the prevailing one.

Given the tenor and content of your long posting history... I think that maybe you should consider that this may be the best you can hope for.
What's more- I think you are going along with it BECAUSE on a deep level you feel that this is the best you can hope for.

You are a kind of a sad sack with extreme issues over your own self worth. Sorry- but that is simply NOT going to be a package that attracts a really vivacious and spectacular mate.

And you are lonely.
And she is lonely.
And, at one time, you BOTH liked each other a lot.

I think maybe you should accept that both you and she have grown a little in the intervening years and that maybe you are both better able to discard your fantasies of what relationship ought to be like and focus on what is realistic for the two of you.

You are a worthy human being... and so is she. And maybe, once you are together, comforting each other and holding each other in the wee hours of the night you will find that she is still beautiful in your eyes, and that that desire you once felt for her returns, because SHE was the one who wanted to be with you.

While you certainly have your doubts... consider that Self doubt is your Entire character.
This may be the only real issue- that you torpedo your relationships with your own dithering doubts.


So I would say push thru- embrace her and the potential for a loving closeness that you claim to crave.
ACT to create that closeness. And you may find that she ends up being the one great love of your life.

And at the very worst- you'll both have been less lonely for a little while.

The problem is in your perspective.
A starving man doesn't turn down potatoes, just because he dreams of steak.
He takes the potatoes, and maybe adds a little salt and butter...

 

[AlteredEgo]

Move to the east coast. The coast is more expensive, and you may have to live in a rougher area for a bit at first, but you'll see the difference I've been telling you about. It's easier to find people who are more like you on the east coast than it is in the midwest. That plus practicing interaction without expectation, and getting to the point where you are activity oriented instead of results oriented in your interactions with women (in other words, when you stop coming across as thirsty) will improve things.

Contrary to what someone else wrote, you NEVER liked this woman. Never ever. Remember? No conversation. What are you going to do if she no longer desires sex or much touching? What are you going to do if YOU no longer desire sex or snuggling? Continue to plod along with a woman you hardly know because there is no real connection? Think, Wally.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

Yeah being lonely sucks but being with a user is worse.

I would focus on hobbies and activities with people. For me I like canoeing and ultimate frisbee.

I also have a whole bunch of animals. I am crazy about them too.

Just text and say you changed your mind. Do it before she quits her job.

 

[nick lad]

If you can afford to let someone live with you (for free I'm guessing, or for some amount of rent you'll probably be too pathetic to ever collect) then you can afford a fucking therapist. And stop posting about your problems online, it will just give you a brief moment of catharsis without giving you the insight or resolve to solve your problems. Stop wallowing in self pity on an internet fetish website and seek the professional help you desperately need. All the time you spend here just relieves the pressure to actually take real concrete steps to fix your problems.

Oh dear Brian you're well named aren't you

 

[alcor972]

Okay- I'll be the one to volunteer an opinion contrary to the prevailing one.

authentic phil ayesho style...
lol...

 

[nick lad]

Being lonely is terrible and draining but being lonely when other people are around is worse. There is no guarantee that this Ex will resolve the way you feel, chances are she'll make things worse for you. There are better ways to end loneliness, join groups, get involved you never know the love of your life, your next best friend or the person who totally cracks you up may be there must waiting for you and although we've never met, you're surrounded by friends here, people who care about you, please listen to the positive advice, ignore the poison, don't let being lonely control who you are and the decisions you make.

 

[wallyj84]

I haven't talked to her recently, so I'm hoping that she's given up.

But a lot of good advice here.

I know that this is a mistake, but... I've been single for so long. I just want to hold someone soft.

Recently I was contacted by a woman I met at a meetup.com. we saw a movie then went for a walk. I'm not attracted to her, but it was nice to go out with someone.

Everyone is right about this situation. Even Phil. Is the best I can do really good for me?

 

[nick lad]

You already know the answer to your question and you're taking steps in the right direction by meeting up with the lady from meet up.com keep going!

 

[AlteredEgo]

Phil is often right, but this time he is wrong. His opinion is based on your long history of trolling, and while there is a kernel of authenticity as the foundation of your online goofing, that's not the person you present in your daily life, and you know it. Your problem is you lack community, and the community you've been building where you are now is pretty decent, but it could be better, and you know why.

And if you aren't attracted to this woman who asked to spend time with you, don't lead her on. Be friends, sure. Just don't lead her to believe your interest is in more. Stop waiting for women to come to you. Are there women you would like to date in your new group? Ask for the date! Absolute worst case scenario, she doesn't want to go, and says so. So you'll ask out someone else.

Sometimes having a rough plan can alleviate nerves. So, here is a plan I propose. You're naturally funny; you really are. You have an easy way with dark humor, irony, and self-deprication. Use that. Joke around in the group setting. Maybe have a few funny one-liners already practiced in case nerves mess with your spontaneity. Use a combination of rehearsed jokes and seized opportunities to let your true darkly humorous self out spontaneously, if you can. Watch your body language. No folded arms. No failure to make eye contact. Smile. Wear red, or another bright color, just make sure to choose a flattering shade.

When one who interests you jokes back, laugh, and privately tell her humor is alluring. Ask her if she's single so your intentions are crystal clear. Then ask her if you can call her some time soon to make plans to see her.

If she says yes, find three places or events that might please you both before you call so that you know you'll invite her to one, but have alternates in case she balks.

If she says no, smile, tell her that she's too beautiful and funny to blame a guy for trying. Thank her for hearing you out. Withdraw nearly all of your attention. A classy exit and a withdrawal may change her mind. It may not. Meanwhile, a couple group outings later, try again with someone else.

You can do that. Meanwhile, take a walk on your lunch break, and a walk every evening at home. During your walks, just practice smiling and nodding at women you pass. Just a friendly acknowledgement of having made eye contact with another human being.

When that stops being nerve-wracking, graduate to a smile, nod, and a verbal greeting. Do not stop walking. You greet and go. By the time that becomes comfortable, if you still are single, graduate to unapologetically asking for a moment of time.

Lots of people are assholes. They just are. So be prepared for extremely rude dismissals. That has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you. It would be just as easy to say, "No, thank you." as something rude, so ignore rude rejection completely.

Expect nothing. Stay neutral, never thirsty, never pessimistic in your projections. Watch that body language. You can get lots of advice how to proceed from there once you get much closer to that step by posting a thread here.

Wally, that woman is NOT the best you can do. You have value. You are worthy of genuine appreciation. I appreciate and respect you, and so do others. Do not do this thing with your ex.

 

[Exbiker]

authentic phil ayesho style...
lol...

I think it may be the first time I've radically disagreed with Phil A...

 

[Infernal]

You keep saying you know this is a mistake and yet you seem to continue on the same path. How many times do you have to touch the hot stove before you realize you're going to get burned ? If you're lonely, then meet some new people. Don't make yourself a smiling, willing, victim.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I think it may be the first time I've radically disagreed with Phil A...

There are a whopping lot of people in this world who have "settled" for someone that isn't their dream person... or who was chosen for them... or the result of very few available options... who ended up happy together.

This is not the same advice I would offer to someone who was far more positive than Wally... But he pines so much for someone else, and has such poor success in finding someone ( or so represents ) and has such a defeatist self image of his sexuality... that I think he might not be able to achieve what he wishes for.

There are reasons some people are perpetually alone. And a large part of it is being too critical of others, too demanding of others- or too hard on yourself.
I know people who go online, and date a dozen people or so and find someone they are willing to give a serious try.
And others who seem to date a hundred, over a span of years, without finding anyone they would be willing to commit to... or who would be willing to commit to them, and that is almost always because they either have a list of criteria that no one can meet... or they only are interested in people that will not be interested in them.


This is a woman he WAS drawn to at one point... And she to him.
And his reticence may well be nothing but his own bad feelings over the prior failure.


Sure its a risk.
And sure- its a lot easier to simply withdraw and keep on looking for something that may not be there to find.

But if the loneliness is that awful- if your a person who needs to feel another's arms around you to make this life seem less like a yawning chasm- then finding someone who WANTS to share that with you is more than half the dream fulfilled.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

You keep saying you know this is a mistake and yet you seem to continue on the same path. How many times do you have to touch the hot stove before you realize you're going to get burned ? If you're lonely, then meet some new people. Don't make yourself a smiling, willing, victim.

This is the very thing...

He keeps touching the stove. And I'm suggesting there's a deeper reason he keeps doing that. He craves the heat.

But his essentially fearful nature makes him fear the burn, too.

I suspect he sabotages all his potential relationships with this kind of hemming and hawing... until he has made absolutely sure the woman involved understands that he just doesn't want her enough.

I don't think he understands how to make a woman feel really desired, and convince her that he has both the ambition and confidence to go for it- to take the risk of pain- because she is worth it.


If passion for a woman isn't in him... because his own self doubts get in the way... then maybe advising him to hold out for passion is advising him to be alone for the rest of his life.

 

[AlteredEgo]

then maybe advising him to hold out for passion is advising him to be alone for the rest of his life.

I don't think he should hold out for anything, but rather take proactive steps to seizing the relationship he wants.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I don't think he should hold out for anything, but rather take proactive steps to seizing the relationship he wants.

You don't think his continually circling around this option reflects that a large part of him wants this relationship?

And I would agree with you except that I suspect the inability to "seize" any relationship may be the crux of his problem.
Seems to me he has already failed in every relationship, in his own mind, before he even allows it to begin.

And that's not a recipe for inspiring reciprocal passion in any woman, is it?

 

[AlteredEgo]

You don't think his continually circling around this option reflects that a large part of him wants this relationship?

And I would agree with you except that I suspect the inability to "seize" any relationship may be the crux of his problem.
Seems to me he has already failed in every relationship, in his own mind, before he even allows it to begin.

And that's not a recipe for inspiring reciprocal passion in any woman, is it?

No. He doesn't want THIS relationship. He wants anything, not specifically this. He has been given advice on several threads regardin what kinds of skills to practice developing in order to inspire interaction, and yes, passion from women. Depression prevents him from acting on the advice. But living with this leech will not ease the depression.

 

[AlteredEgo]

This is a woman he WAS drawn to at one point... And she to him.

He was never drawn to her. She hit on him and he felt, as usual, helpless and lonely. She was available, not appealing for any other reason, and his second go-round with her he was reminded of this and wondered how he could have ever fooled himself about her appropriateness for him.