HELP ME GUYS... I just typed this in my personal journal/blog... but I'm going to post it here. Jon is my ex boyfriend... the one that made my world go round the moment I met him... I've never been the needy bitch, ever... always independant to a fault... and this guy has me totally cock whipped- even before I ever sampled his cock. I want to talk to him, but I'm just not sure if I should... I haven't talked to him in over a month... Here's my post... January 31, 2008 Theres only 8 days left until my 30th birthday. I often find myself just thinking and whats weirder, lately, Im still thinking about Jon. I havent even talked to him in about a month. Thats so sad to me. And everywhere I turn these days, is a constant reminder of him. Its either things we said we wanted to do together like take the kids to Great Wolf Lodge and voila, I just got a free pass to take my kids. Or just seeing things that remind me of him like Mr. Clean commercials, Harleys, leather bondage straps (we never used them, just talked about it), beer, any guy with a shaved head that I see I keep seeing things that relate to Ohio or Indiana too and they bring with them a specific flashback I started out today trying to drown him out of my head, and move on and I went to lunch, picked up a newspaper on the bar and what do you know there was a car crash that a local guy died, and narrowly missed another car the driver of the narrowly missed car was from Gallipolis, Ohio. I mean come ON! Is that not a sign? Its a tiny DOT of a town. Blink and youll miss it. On the FRONT page of the Scranton Times, and the memory of Jon just comes rushing back. The other morning, in the car on the way to daycare, Madelyn asked me about the heart pillow. The one that I gave to Jon for Christmas. I almost cried right then and there. Hes just a man . How can ONE man have such a hold on my heart? Oh, thats right. I gave it to him. Our birthdays are coming up. Memories of our plans for that are there and I cant help but look at houses and wish we were living together somewhere, in the future, like we talked about. To top it off, I cant get our last meeting out of my head. The last time we made love, so passionately that nothing can top it it was pure, animalistic love not sex. Love, Pain and the Whole Damn Thing I cant get it out of my head. I just want to cry thinking about how much I feel is missing with him not in my life. I cant even describe the sex in one paragraph. We were sitting on the couch, hanging out, like old times, and suddenly, I realized that we wouldn't be able to do this again, possibly forever. A single tear came down my cheek, knowing I wouldnt see him again for a long while and knowing that we had decided to be only friends and he saw it, and got off the couch, knelt in front of me looked into my eyes, wiped away that tear, then pulled my head closer to his, kissed my forehead, kissed my cheek, then kissed my mouth and really, really kissed me. When I kissed him back, he pulled me off the sofa, knelt me in front of him and started peeling off my shirt. Frantically, we were both peeling clothes off each other, until we were both naked, and I began to give him a blow job. After a very short period of time, he picked me up off the floor, bent me over the lazyboy, and just fucked the ever living shit out of me. We both came in unison. I cried several minutes later, something I barely ever do- and have NEVER done after sex much less amazing sex. I cried because I knew it would probably be the last time Id see him for a while, if not ever and I cried because I knew that moment of passion might have ruined us just being friends. Simply because we cannot be just friends. We have that passion between us. Everyone I know says to call him. Im terrified of talking to him because I don't know if I could handle the potential rejection, but I know he wont be mean. I hope he wont be mean. I wonder if hed even take the call. What's worse is if he said he missed me too... At least I could have some sort of closure I flipped a coin and the answer said to call both times, I was only going to do it once, but then decided two out of three would be better after I got the first yes and then the second yes arrived so that was that. Ive picked up the phone numerous times, only to hang up Ive dialed most of his number, only to hang up I dont know what to say, other than hi. Part of me thinks that should be enough. I did leave one message asking about a place in Santa Claus, IN and for him to keep his ears open for me. I dont know if he will or not. And he hasn't called back with any information, but he wouldn't yet anyway, he hasn't been there in a while. Im so, so upset still. I feel like I need some sort of resolution. How can he tell me he loves me, how can he make love to me that way, only to walk away? Its not his style. Not at all. Ive gone out on other dates, Ive tried so hard to get him out of my head. And then, hes just there, occupying space. Ive never felt like this about anyone before, and that alone drives me crazy. I hear our songs on the radio, obscure shit that they dont play anymore because its not recent enough I hear it anyway. Theyre playing it. I hear lyrics to songs and he pops into my head. Its killing me that Im so torn up over him. Perhaps this is my lesson in life, something I want so bad that Im not allowed to have. I think about his kids, was thinking about sending everybody birthday cards this year. I probably still will. I will send a Valentines gift to him as well. Gah!!! Im so pathetic.