I'm pathetic... pathetically still in love

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SexandCandy, Jan 31, 2008.

  1. SexandCandy

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    HELP ME GUYS... I just typed this in my personal journal/blog... but I'm going to post it here. Jon is my ex boyfriend... the one that made my world go round the moment I met him... I've never been the needy bitch, ever... always independant to a fault... and this guy has me totally cock whipped- even before I ever sampled his cock. I want to talk to him, but I'm just not sure if I should... I haven't talked to him in over a month...

    Here's my post...

    January 31, 2008

    There’s only 8 days left until my 30th birthday. I often find myself just thinking… and what’s weirder, lately, I’m still thinking about Jon. I haven’t even talked to him in about a month. That’s so sad to me. And everywhere I turn these days, is a constant reminder of him.

    It’s either things we said we wanted to do together… like take the kids to Great Wolf Lodge and voila, I just got a free pass to take my kids. Or just seeing things that remind me of him… like Mr. Clean commercials, Harleys, leather bondage straps (we never used them, just talked about it), beer, any guy with a shaved head that I see…

    I keep seeing things that relate to Ohio or Indiana too… and they bring with them a specific flashback… I started out today trying to drown him out of my head, and move on… and I went to lunch, picked up a newspaper on the bar and what do you know… there was a car crash that a local guy died, and narrowly missed another car… the driver of the narrowly missed car was from Gallipolis, Ohio. I mean… come ON! Is that not a sign? It’s a tiny DOT of a town. Blink and you’ll miss it. On the FRONT page of the Scranton Times, and the memory of Jon just comes rushing back.

    The other morning, in the car on the way to daycare, Madelyn asked me about the heart pillow. The one that I gave to Jon for Christmas. I almost cried right then and there. He’s just a man…. How can ONE man have such a hold on my heart? Oh, that’s right. I gave it to him.

    Our birthdays are coming up. Memories of our plans for that are there… and I can’t help but look at houses and wish we were living together somewhere, in the future, like we talked about.

    To top it off, I can’t get our last meeting out of my head. The last time we made love, so passionately that nothing can top it… it was pure, animalistic love… not sex. Love, Pain and the Whole Damn Thing… I can’t get it out of my head. I just want to cry thinking about how much I feel is missing with him not in my life.

    I can’t even describe the sex in one paragraph. We were sitting on the couch, hanging out, like old times, and suddenly, I realized that we wouldn't be able to do this again, possibly forever. A single tear came down my cheek, knowing I wouldn’t see him again for a long while… and knowing that we had decided to be only friends… and he saw it, and got off the couch, knelt in front of me… looked into my eyes, wiped away that tear, then pulled my head closer to his, kissed my forehead, kissed my cheek, then kissed my mouth… and really, really kissed me. When I kissed him back, he pulled me off the sofa, knelt me in front of him and started peeling off my shirt. Frantically, we were both peeling clothes off each other, until we were both naked, and I began to give him a blow job. After a very short period of time, he picked me up off the floor, bent me over the lazyboy, and just fucked the ever living shit out of me. We both came in unison. I cried several minutes later, something I barely ever do- and have NEVER done after sex… much less amazing sex. I cried because I knew it would probably be the last time I’d see him for a while, if not ever… and I cried because I knew that moment of passion might have ruined us just “being friends”. Simply because we cannot be just friends. We have that passion between us.

    Everyone I know says to call him. I’m terrified of talking to him because I don't know if I could handle the potential rejection, but I know he won’t be mean. I hope he won’t be mean. I wonder if he’d even take the call. What's worse is if he said he missed me too...

    At least I could have some sort of closure… I flipped a coin and the answer said to call both times, I was only going to do it once, but then decided two out of three would be better after I got the first yes… and then the second yes arrived… so that was that.

    I’ve picked up the phone numerous times, only to hang up… I’ve dialed most of his number, only to hang up… I don’t know what to say, other than hi. Part of me thinks that should be enough. I did leave one message asking about a place in Santa Claus, IN and for him to keep his ears open for me. I don’t know if he will or not. And he hasn't called back with any information, but he wouldn't yet anyway, he hasn't been there in a while.

    I’m so, so upset still. I feel like I need some sort of resolution. How can he tell me he loves me, how can he make love to me that way, only to walk away? It’s not his style. Not at all.

    I’ve gone out on other dates, I’ve tried so hard to get him out of my head. And then, he’s just there, occupying space. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, and that alone drives me crazy.

    I hear our songs on the radio, obscure shit that they don’t play anymore because it’s not recent enough… I hear it anyway. They’re playing it.

    I hear lyrics to songs and he pops into my head. It’s killing me that I’m so torn up over him. Perhaps this is my lesson in life, something I want so bad that I’m not allowed to have.

    I think about his kids, was thinking about sending everybody birthday cards this year. I probably still will. I will send a Valentine’s gift to him as well.

    Gah!!! I’m so pathetic.
     
  2. Big Del

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    Sorry to read this - I hope you find happiness soon and with a love that lasts forever
     
  3. SexandCandy

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    I just don't know what to do. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I keep trying to move on... hell, I've really, really tried!!! I've met people, I've dated... I just can't get him out of my head. It's to the point where when I masturbate, I'm thinking of us...
     
  4. ZOS23xy

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    So how long has it been since you stopped seeing one another?

    Takes a while to get over that feeling and love because its has ingrained itself to you.
     
  5. sweetngentle

    sweetngentle New Member

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    Once you have love, it has you. I may take months to get over someone, and sometimes you never do, but instead of letting your memory be taken to the past, think about the present and the great things you have in your life now. Appreciate how wonderful and amazing those times were, and just think what could lie ahead. Love is more then memories and emotions, its experiences, and nothing says you may not have more experiences that may top the ones you had with him. Don't try to rush your mind, heart, and body to heal and forget, just try everyday to concentrate a little more on what you have not whats missing.
     
  6. SexandCandy

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    Two and a half months since we stopped seeing each other officially- it was only a location thing- we both didn't want a long distance thing that we'd fuck up....

    And I last saw him in person December 19th. That was the unexpected fuck fest...

    And... I haven't spoken to him since the 22nd or so... but we'd played a few games of voicemail tag. I wished him a merry christmas, etc.. he was going out of town for the newyear, then I got a message on the 26th that his ex-wife (woman he was going to try to work things out with) didn't want us talking... even though we were friends first, but I knew that was coming too... we had discussed it...

    I haven't spoken to him in over a month... nothing... and i guess I feel like there has been no resolution between the two of us since really the fuck fest... there wasn't really great conversation on the 22nd, it was one of those things where I didn't have long to talk...

    The newspaper thing rattled me... as I'm pretty intuitive to begin with, but that was the last and most black and white thing I could NOT ignore that kind of went, see, we're trying to tell you something....

    What's worse, is he works as an ironworker, dangling however many feet above the ground... so my head is also going to the worst possible scenario as well....
     
  7. Not_Punny

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    Why did you separate?

    Anyway, if I were you, I'd find a "good reason" to talk to some mutual friends... and then catch up on the latest news about him.

    Hopefully, you'll be able to find out if he's seeing anyone or if he's been talking about you.

    In cases like this, it's always good to find out the facts first. It could spare both of you a lot of embarrassment... or it could give you reason to call.
     
  8. sweetngentle

    sweetngentle New Member

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    I just think you should give your heart a little more time to heal, sometimes if you try to "make something happen" things will only get worse, or they can end things all together. Right now your not talking, but maybe he is working things out in his life and maybe he has a hard time talking to you because he does want you back and he just knows right now that isn't possible. Give it some time and let everything work itself out a little bit, and lean on your friends and family now to help you through this time, and just keep hope in your heart that things will work out to where ya'll could end up close again.
     
  9. Not_Punny

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    Just saw post#6.

    At times like this, it's hard -- but you need to take the high road. If he wants to work it out with his ex wife there's nothing you can do -- especially if he has kids with his ex wife.

    So, it's tough, but you have to deal with it.

    If he CAN'T work it out, he'll be back. And this time, probably for the first time, you'll have ALL of him.

    But if he does work it out with his ex, well, you will have saved yourself a lot of embarrassment if you resist calling him.

    If I were you, I'd give it, oh, three or four months. And in those three months I'd concentrate on your kids and getting your life in order.

    Trust me, I've been in the exact same position as you. And I did NOT call... And just when I was almost over it, I heard the news that he was done with the ex, had been done with the ex for a while, and was talking about me.... so I called. And it was wonderful.
     
  10. SexandCandy

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    He has no kids with the ex, she cheated on him, hurt him real bad... we talked about this... and I knew about him trying to work things out with her, I told him to go for it... I told him I loved him enough to let him try, even if he knew (because he said it) that he'd probably get hurt again...

    We split because I had things to take care of here, and he lived in OH and Indiana, we met when I lived in Nashville... I went home with girlfriend of mine (not that kind of girlfriend) to enjoy a break from the city... and we were introduced... we just had great conversation right from the start and we took the physical side of things nice and slow... so it wasn't like a hey, how ya doin' and I'm done with ya thing...

    I'll probably just ask about him for a while... Thanks HotMilf, because that's probably the best way to handle this...Life's getting more in order every day, and it's probably best that I don't talk to him... it's better to just send my love across the miles with my heart... and that's it...

    I really don't know why the newspaper thing hit me so hard today... it just did. I just stopped dead in my tracks when I read it... it was like a high point of drama in a love story... you know? One where the person realizes suddenly that they just can't deny the fact that they need the other person in their life.

    And I'll take what I can get... I'd just be happy to have him as my friend, if that's all it can be... even a few months down the road.

    I miss my love, but I also miss my friend.

    I probably won't call... I will call a few friends in the area again though...
     
  11. WellHung83

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    Love is perhaps the one emotion that can seriously mess with you when you least want it to, which is why a lot of people, however cynical and are normally very good and masking or hiding their emotions, find themselves blind sided by how powerful it is. When you become involved with someone so deep and you fall so hard, a break up no matter how perfect or right it seemed at the time, can be likened to being kicked in the back of the head by a horse. You can cut off the physical interaction with your now ex partner, but the emotional side will take longer to actually deal with the sudden break and be able to move on.
    All I can say is give it time and do not rush into anything just so you can numb your pain and get over him. Just try to take each day as it comes, remember the good times you had with him and keep moving forward and hope things will get better as your turning that next corner in the road that is life. Yeah life and love can be a bitch, but it can also be one of the greatest adventures you can ever have.
     
  12. OmahaBeef

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    I feel for you S&C...

    I remember that feeling long, long ago. Back when I thought that something better would never be around the corner (and there will be for you eventually...you're a great-looking woman and pretty classy to boot).

    I'm not casting judgment here, but why would a guy bother with a woman who hurt him, and he wants to work it out? Especially if there are no kids involved? The sake of the marriage? I cannot speak for this gentleman, but I'd have shown that bitch the curb like...the day before yesterday. But that's me.

    Anyways...I know your feeling pretty raw, but believe me when I tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Best of Luck!

    ...OB
     
  13. SexandCandy

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    Thanks OB. He did show her the curb once... and then a little while back, she started calling, apologizing... etc...

    His daughter, wasn't happy when this woman showed up at one of his daughter's cheerleading events... and when he pulled his daughter aside to talk to her, she let her know that she wasn't happy that Melissa was there, but then stopped and said, you know what Daddy, I love you and if you're happy, then it will be okay.

    His daughter is 9.

    I love his kids, I love him... He knows I would never treat anyone the way she treated him... and he knows I do treat him like gold... but maybe he just likes to be punished... and not in a fun kinky sex way... I think honestly he just thinks he deserves it because he's always told me that he didn't think he deserved me... and he wishes he could give me more... and I kept telling him that him just being him was all I needed... and wanted... and more than I could have ever imagined.

    I kind of think he self sabotaged, for what he probably thought was my benefit... only it's not... at all.

    This comes after much thought... and knowing him so well, knowing what makes him tick... I think he's trying to just settle for something right now because it's more convenient... but it will burn him at some point... and I hurt for him, because even if we're never together again, she treats him like shit, talks at him instead of to him... and I know he's as good as gold. It's women like that that ruin the good guys... because he's so good, he'll be so hurt when she does what she's going to do to him... and I'm smart enough to know that she inevitably will....

    http://i214.photobucket.com/albums/cc166/commentsplanet//Images/quotes/images/prod_659_24483.jpg

    I found this picture on a myspace page... and I guess I need to just pay attention... although, I know I'll always have a special place for him in my heart, it's probably just over. He just didn't love me enough to fight for us.

    I deserve someone who will.

    Hm.
    I feel better already.
     
  14. OmahaBeef

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    S&C...

    I have no doubt that he is a great guy. But you bring up a very important point that I was sort of hinting to:

    Some men, more or less, are gluttons for punishment. Even the guys you would never even dream of being a willing target for such nonsense. Especially in today's day and age. Why? I think I can form a hypothesis:

    1) They have some deep-seeded self esteem issues. Not unlike many women, SOME guys try to "fix" a woman, and in the attempt of doing so, feel like the woman is a project to be conquered, fixed, or remedied. This is a path to nowhere and it is a terribly difficult cycle to break.

    2) Perhaps he feels like a failure or somehow responsible for her cheating? Perhaps a competitive spark to lay to rest his fear that the "other guy" was superior to him? Going back after her, is an exercise in futility, because he will forever be fighting an uphill battle against a phantom man from a phantom time for phantom reasons. Dead end.

    3) The "Feminization" of the American man. This is both pseudo-science and my own personal sociological observations, but the gist of it, is that the characteristics of the Strong Man are being watered down by upbringing and societal influences. The bull maverick, pioneering spirit of masculinity that seems to be utterly devoid nowadays. The "strong man" would be done with such a tramp in a hurry, but most importantly EMBRACE the wonder of the good woman now before him and NEVER looks back. I enjoy the feeling like I am amongst the Last Battalion of "strong men". Better to die standing, than live on my knees...I guess.

    Some things I have pondered for you:

    A) If a 9 year old can perceive this woman to be a total skank...why can't he?

    B) Your final 2 lines are the TRUTH: He didn't love you enough to fight for "Us". And yes...you DESERVE someone who will.

    ...OB
     
  15. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Your not pathetic, 1 month isnt very long to get over someone you love.
    Give yourself time.

    :hug:
     
  16. SpoiledPrincess

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    You're not pathetic at all, you love him and this is quite hard to say and it's probably going to be hard to hear but he loves her more than he loves you otherwise he'd be with you. Don't pick up the phone, give yourself time to mourn your relationship, concentrate on your kids and yourself. It's difficult to date when your heart is broken, but the only way to get over him is to find someone else to fill the place in your heart that he has.
     
  17. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    Oh sweetheart...My heart breaks for you.
    I am stuck just as you are stuck four years down the track.
    Please be gentle with yourself.
    My thoughts are with you.
    Hugs and kisses,
    Dragonfly.
     
  18. dedrewm

    dedrewm New Member

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    I know how you feel. I moved to another country to escape my feelings from my ex and after 2 years, I still cant get him out of my mind, thinking about all I did wrong...
     
  19. SexandCandy

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    Thanks OB, you rock... i'm really really impressed at your ability to pull apart this situation and be a STRONG man. I agree with you, I want a real man... one who's not afraid of his feelings, or standing up for what's right...

    I managed to make it through yesterday, feeling as I did, without placing a phone call.... that's a good thing.
     
  20. SexandCandy

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    Thanks, my heart is with you too. It's not an easy place to be... but I do have to remember that he just didn't love me enough... or wasn't secure enough in himself to trust in what we had... and i have to remember it's HAD...

    Sigh... still sucks.
     
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