I'm just going to jump in feet first and over explain everything and hope, that maybe someone can empathize. I am quickly moving through my late thirties, and I’ve never really ever had a relationship with anyone, of any kind social, emotional physical. When I was a teenager I had gotten it into my head that all this physical intimacy stuff just seemed like something I wouldn’t have any proficiency for. Which I suspect is a reasonable assumption considering I have not shown any great physical proficiency for almost anything else in life. I’m not terribly strong, or robust, or agile, nimble or dexterous and my overall physical endurance wouldn’t be rated terribly high all things considered. So I rather just thought, ‘no point in pestering all those women (or anyone else) with myself, they get heartily harassed as it is’. So I never went to any dances, or had late night rendezvous, or tried to chase anyone down for a date, or have secret hand holds in the back of the class. And in college well that continued, I don’t tend to drink, and when I do I try to be responsible, and I never really found much excitement in parties or bars nor was I invited to many; I was a bit of a nerd and I suppose a loner, and easily forgotten, which was fine, I was always busy working at the library or studying anyways. My entire adulthood has been like that. More or less. I work a fairly nondescript job doing nondescript things that don’t factor much into any of this, and it’s always quite easy to avoid the more exciting parts of the company party by being the treasurer of the party planning committee, not to mention making your own sort of annoyed enemies in the process. I live alone, no pets, just a lawn and some bird feeders, it’s a hobby I guess, and I did join a hobbyist club, but the gulf of decades between myself and the typical women that are part of the membership is rather discouraging on that front, not that I was actually looking for anyone or hoping to be found by someone, I'd kind of resoundingly stopped bothering at this point. Until about two years ago. A woman about my age, joined the birding club. For lack of a better name I’ll call her Sarah.
Well Sarah and I sort of became quite friendly with each other. I found out she was single, and we’d go on the club outings and joke about the antique nature of the vast majority of our compatriots. Next thing we’re going on short hobbying jaunts and hikes, always back before dark. Then we started going to talks and shows, she works for a college that puts on lectures and theatrical shows, and we’d have lunch together when we could, and then COVID hit but we still socialized as best as possible with the restrictions in place. We got vaccinated, and then we started taking longer trips, always segregated rooms, nothing overtly romantic, always hobby related, you know friends doing friend things. And then about three months ago we were having a particularly exciting bit of adventure, chasing some rarity….thinking we’d missed it and all but giving up when we found it, and we’re cheering and laughing and she turns and grabs me and kisses me…which was a shocking experience. All that stuff going on, and then like a lightning bolt it was all quite intense, for however long it happened but after it had passed I couldn’t help but feel a hollow echo of sadness….this had been I think my first kiss ever….at least I can’t remember one of any renown coming before. After that our socializing because far less structured and formal, we’d go to minor functions and to the movies and random dinners and of course our trips continued but with a decidedly different feel. And I of course recognize that I’m dating this woman.
I’m trying to be a gentlemen I always escort her to her door make sure she gets safely home, I don’t really have any other reference to go by, and as this happens she begins this habit of giving me a kiss goodnight. Which I have no idea how to respond to but I bumble along trying to imagine what I’m supposed to do in response and undoubtedly fouling it up but she continues without much comment. Two weeks ago she asked if I wanted to come in, for a night cap…and I politely declined….because what possible good can come of that. Anyways, I excused myself. This last week she asked again, and I declined again, because well, again I'm not...sure.
Now I’m not a prude, I watch porn, I don’t mind a good natured flirting and a bit of ribald innuendo and wordplay….and I know a night cap doesn’t necessarily mean anything but…I’m a virgin not a child. And I’d be lying to say that I’m not terribly curious….but I’d also be lying if I said that this doesn’t unsettle me. I really enjoy spending time with Sarah. I enjoy her company immensely and I have a lot of complicated emotions that I have not allowed myself to have with anyone before, and have been trying very thoroughly to keep in check here. I just can’t shake this irritating feeling that nothing good can come of this, that my level of proficiency is not sufficient to make whatever would happen…be worthwhile for her, and that in realizing that she’ll want nothing to do with me anymore…which I suppose is the selfishness of fear. And I know I should talk to her about this, but it’s not exactly a topic that evolves naturally at a party or lunch or at the park…and I also am afraid of coming off as a, you know, weirdo. Which I know I am but not a creepy one, one hopes. I just don’t know how to continue….well I mean how to continue without making horrible mistakes of assumption…and without making me sound like a serial murderer…..
Well Sarah and I sort of became quite friendly with each other. I found out she was single, and we’d go on the club outings and joke about the antique nature of the vast majority of our compatriots. Next thing we’re going on short hobbying jaunts and hikes, always back before dark. Then we started going to talks and shows, she works for a college that puts on lectures and theatrical shows, and we’d have lunch together when we could, and then COVID hit but we still socialized as best as possible with the restrictions in place. We got vaccinated, and then we started taking longer trips, always segregated rooms, nothing overtly romantic, always hobby related, you know friends doing friend things. And then about three months ago we were having a particularly exciting bit of adventure, chasing some rarity….thinking we’d missed it and all but giving up when we found it, and we’re cheering and laughing and she turns and grabs me and kisses me…which was a shocking experience. All that stuff going on, and then like a lightning bolt it was all quite intense, for however long it happened but after it had passed I couldn’t help but feel a hollow echo of sadness….this had been I think my first kiss ever….at least I can’t remember one of any renown coming before. After that our socializing because far less structured and formal, we’d go to minor functions and to the movies and random dinners and of course our trips continued but with a decidedly different feel. And I of course recognize that I’m dating this woman.
I’m trying to be a gentlemen I always escort her to her door make sure she gets safely home, I don’t really have any other reference to go by, and as this happens she begins this habit of giving me a kiss goodnight. Which I have no idea how to respond to but I bumble along trying to imagine what I’m supposed to do in response and undoubtedly fouling it up but she continues without much comment. Two weeks ago she asked if I wanted to come in, for a night cap…and I politely declined….because what possible good can come of that. Anyways, I excused myself. This last week she asked again, and I declined again, because well, again I'm not...sure.
Now I’m not a prude, I watch porn, I don’t mind a good natured flirting and a bit of ribald innuendo and wordplay….and I know a night cap doesn’t necessarily mean anything but…I’m a virgin not a child. And I’d be lying to say that I’m not terribly curious….but I’d also be lying if I said that this doesn’t unsettle me. I really enjoy spending time with Sarah. I enjoy her company immensely and I have a lot of complicated emotions that I have not allowed myself to have with anyone before, and have been trying very thoroughly to keep in check here. I just can’t shake this irritating feeling that nothing good can come of this, that my level of proficiency is not sufficient to make whatever would happen…be worthwhile for her, and that in realizing that she’ll want nothing to do with me anymore…which I suppose is the selfishness of fear. And I know I should talk to her about this, but it’s not exactly a topic that evolves naturally at a party or lunch or at the park…and I also am afraid of coming off as a, you know, weirdo. Which I know I am but not a creepy one, one hopes. I just don’t know how to continue….well I mean how to continue without making horrible mistakes of assumption…and without making me sound like a serial murderer…..