I'm quite new to relationships and I'm pretty sure I'm in one...

[ennislivvy]

I'm just going to jump in feet first and over explain everything and hope, that maybe someone can empathize. I am quickly moving through my late thirties, and I’ve never really ever had a relationship with anyone, of any kind social, emotional physical. When I was a teenager I had gotten it into my head that all this physical intimacy stuff just seemed like something I wouldn’t have any proficiency for. Which I suspect is a reasonable assumption considering I have not shown any great physical proficiency for almost anything else in life. I’m not terribly strong, or robust, or agile, nimble or dexterous and my overall physical endurance wouldn’t be rated terribly high all things considered. So I rather just thought, ‘no point in pestering all those women (or anyone else) with myself, they get heartily harassed as it is’. So I never went to any dances, or had late night rendezvous, or tried to chase anyone down for a date, or have secret hand holds in the back of the class. And in college well that continued, I don’t tend to drink, and when I do I try to be responsible, and I never really found much excitement in parties or bars nor was I invited to many; I was a bit of a nerd and I suppose a loner, and easily forgotten, which was fine, I was always busy working at the library or studying anyways. My entire adulthood has been like that. More or less. I work a fairly nondescript job doing nondescript things that don’t factor much into any of this, and it’s always quite easy to avoid the more exciting parts of the company party by being the treasurer of the party planning committee, not to mention making your own sort of annoyed enemies in the process. I live alone, no pets, just a lawn and some bird feeders, it’s a hobby I guess, and I did join a hobbyist club, but the gulf of decades between myself and the typical women that are part of the membership is rather discouraging on that front, not that I was actually looking for anyone or hoping to be found by someone, I'd kind of resoundingly stopped bothering at this point. Until about two years ago. A woman about my age, joined the birding club. For lack of a better name I’ll call her Sarah.

Well Sarah and I sort of became quite friendly with each other. I found out she was single, and we’d go on the club outings and joke about the antique nature of the vast majority of our compatriots. Next thing we’re going on short hobbying jaunts and hikes, always back before dark. Then we started going to talks and shows, she works for a college that puts on lectures and theatrical shows, and we’d have lunch together when we could, and then COVID hit but we still socialized as best as possible with the restrictions in place. We got vaccinated, and then we started taking longer trips, always segregated rooms, nothing overtly romantic, always hobby related, you know friends doing friend things. And then about three months ago we were having a particularly exciting bit of adventure, chasing some rarity….thinking we’d missed it and all but giving up when we found it, and we’re cheering and laughing and she turns and grabs me and kisses me…which was a shocking experience. All that stuff going on, and then like a lightning bolt it was all quite intense, for however long it happened but after it had passed I couldn’t help but feel a hollow echo of sadness….this had been I think my first kiss ever….at least I can’t remember one of any renown coming before. After that our socializing because far less structured and formal, we’d go to minor functions and to the movies and random dinners and of course our trips continued but with a decidedly different feel. And I of course recognize that I’m dating this woman.

I’m trying to be a gentlemen I always escort her to her door make sure she gets safely home, I don’t really have any other reference to go by, and as this happens she begins this habit of giving me a kiss goodnight. Which I have no idea how to respond to but I bumble along trying to imagine what I’m supposed to do in response and undoubtedly fouling it up but she continues without much comment. Two weeks ago she asked if I wanted to come in, for a night cap…and I politely declined….because what possible good can come of that. Anyways, I excused myself. This last week she asked again, and I declined again, because well, again I'm not...sure.



Now I’m not a prude, I watch porn, I don’t mind a good natured flirting and a bit of ribald innuendo and wordplay….and I know a night cap doesn’t necessarily mean anything but…I’m a virgin not a child. And I’d be lying to say that I’m not terribly curious….but I’d also be lying if I said that this doesn’t unsettle me. I really enjoy spending time with Sarah. I enjoy her company immensely and I have a lot of complicated emotions that I have not allowed myself to have with anyone before, and have been trying very thoroughly to keep in check here. I just can’t shake this irritating feeling that nothing good can come of this, that my level of proficiency is not sufficient to make whatever would happen…be worthwhile for her, and that in realizing that she’ll want nothing to do with me anymore…which I suppose is the selfishness of fear. And I know I should talk to her about this, but it’s not exactly a topic that evolves naturally at a party or lunch or at the park…and I also am afraid of coming off as a, you know, weirdo. Which I know I am but not a creepy one, one hopes. I just don’t know how to continue….well I mean how to continue without making horrible mistakes of assumption…and without making me sound like a serial murderer…..

 

[deleted5199391]

This girl looks like someone you can be really honest with.
Since you like her, you could talk with her and make clear that you're not rejecting her. Declining more than once can be a bad message already, if not explained.

Don't overthink. What good can come? Well, I say what bad can come?
She (and any girl or guy around) has basically the same insecurity of anyone. You can take your time, from your story I think none is rushing.
She clearly likes you and your hobby. This is a real life situation, so don't bother about performance. Just focus on pleasure for both. Be generous but also do what you like, things will go naturally. No need to be scared, you're with a person, it's not an exam.

I hope anything will be good and I'll be happy to hear good news from you.

 

[long_uncut]

Don't waste any more time overthinking this situation! It might be a once in a lifetime opportunity. She seems perfect for you. You can't possibly be any more nerdy and insecure than I was with the first girl who ever showed any interest in me. And yes, she initiated the first kiss. I was a skinny weakling and had no idea how to interact with a woman....but I soon learned! We married and I gained the confidence to improve my social skills and also changed from the skinny weakling to a stronger and not-so-bad looking man. This woman changed me. I learned to step out of the safety zone and to take some risks. You need to step out and see where this opportunity takes you. You could quite possibly start a life together like we did..... one that has continued to evolve in fantastic ways over the past 50+ years.

 

[ennislivvy]

This girl looks like someone you can be really honest with.
Since you like her, you could talk with her and make clear that you're not rejecting her. Declining more than once can be a bad message already, if not explained.

Don't overthink. What good can come? Well, I say what bad can come?
She (and any girl or guy around) has basically the same insecurity of anyone. You can take your time, from your story I think none is rushing.
She clearly likes you and your hobby. This is a real life situation, so don't bother about performance. Just focus on pleasure for both. Be generous but also do what you like, things will go naturally. No need to be scared, you're with a person, it's not an exam.

I hope anything will be good and I'll be happy to hear good news from you.

I suppose. It's just very embarrassing thing to admit to someone that you know. I know it's not an examination but I always feel like there is this sense of 'judgment' that comes with this sort of thing. Was he good in bed or she good in bed...and honestly... I guess I've always gotten the feeling it's the guy's general responsibility. Which part of me knows that's just...you know, bunk, but it's hard to shake, and personally outside of her coming away from this with a good, positive experience I'm fairly nonplussed about it, I'm not really interested in or invested in 'enjoying it' in so far as that enjoyment would make her feel better about everything. I'm curious, for sure, but it's a weird sort of nonvisceral curiosity. It isn't lust or desire so much as academic intrigue at this point in my life. I guess I've reached an age where I was rather resigned to never indulging in it so that part of me just kinda withered away. I wouldn't even be worrying about it if it wasn't for knowing that I've hurt her feelings or something in declining... I just don't want to disappoint her, but rather unconcerned about the opposite.

I guess that's the part I find hard to explain. I mean if she's hinting at this desire, to be with me, but I'm not really technically interested....but willing to for her sake....sounds kind of weird and half-hearted. I just struggle to feel enthusiastic about it in any way that I've seen modeled in other relationships which admittedly my experience of are fairly limited and coated in the grease of 'the media'. I just don't know if I want it, really. I mean I would if she wanted me to, but you know not of my own desire to. The more I explain it the more I feel like I sound like a crazy person....

 

[ennislivvy]

I hope anything will be good and I'll be happy to hear good news from you.

I apologize if this is untoward behavior, or I apologize for not reporting the results in a more timely manner. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to share, and then I decided that we’re all strangers here so I guess it’s fine. TLDR it kinda went ok….until it didn’t….

So there was this work holiday party last weekend at her place of employment and she asked me to be her plus one. So we went, and we had a nice time, for being at a company holiday party. We ducked out early because the alcohol started to flow and we just weren’t about that scene. So I drove her home, walked her to her door and she asked if I wanted to come in, for a little bit….and so thinking about what you had said, I said yes because we needed to have a conversation. So we go in and we’re in her living room on the couch and I explain myself to her…and she’s very empathetic about that and grateful for me being honest, and states that she’s relieved it was just that and not some of the other things she thought was going on.

And then we talk for a little while about how things should go…and I told her I don’t know…because I don’t know. I explain that I want to learn how to make this a satisfying experience. And she smiles and kinda says something like ‘well there’s only one way to really learn’. And she asks if I want to stay a little longer, and I say that I have no reason to say no. I think that got a little laugh from her, and she kissed me, and I started kissing her back. Which as stated further up I’ve kissed her back before, well, I accepted that she kissed me and I tried to reciprocate, but it was always a bit of a hands off maneuver. This time though I allowed myself to hold her and it was a very pleasant feeling. And the kissing intensified, and she sorta took the lead and guided my hands to where she wanted them to be, and I guess the word is curated my actions, and before I knew it there were less clothes on, and I was…if I may share a little too much, quite erect. I was actually feeling a little bit of that hot desire that I hear people talk about. And that was the point where it all kinda went bad. She made the completely valid action of trying to heighten my arousal by taking grasp of the situation, and it was like someone had turned cold water on the whole thing. I went completely soft, and I reflexively pushed her away. It all happened so fast, it was going really well and the moment she touched my- dick I had this visceral negative reaction to it, like in the pit of my stomach like if you opened a refrigerator that had been shut off and all the food had rotted inside of it.

I was so embarrassed, and she looked confused, and all I know is somehow I had gotten dressed very quickly and….I’ve never felt so terrible in my life. I apologized a lot, and I don’t know my mind was racing and I just couldn’t get away from this feeling…and finally I think I told her that I needed to go….so I did….

She called me this afterwards. And we talked, and I apologized again, which she told me I didn’t need to apologize which only prompted me to apologize for apologizing. She asked if it we were going to see each other this week…and I said if she wanted to on Christmas Eve….

I honestly don’t know how to proceed…or if I can. I don’t know what happened, only that it was going perfectly fine until…it very much didn’t. Part of me wants to capture a little of what I felt that night but now I might be even more paranoid about it now than I was….

 

[deleted5199391]

I apologize if this is untoward behavior, or I apologize for not reporting the results in a more timely manner. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to share, and then I decided that we’re all strangers here so I guess it’s fine. TLDR it kinda went ok….until it didn’t….

So there was this work holiday party last weekend at her place of employment and she asked me to be her plus one. So we went, and we had a nice time, for being at a company holiday party. We ducked out early because the alcohol started to flow and we just weren’t about that scene. So I drove her home, walked her to her door and she asked if I wanted to come in, for a little bit….and so thinking about what you had said, I said yes because we needed to have a conversation. So we go in and we’re in her living room on the couch and I explain myself to her…and she’s very empathetic about that and grateful for me being honest, and states that she’s relieved it was just that and not some of the other things she thought was going on.

And then we talk for a little while about how things should go…and I told her I don’t know…because I don’t know. I explain that I want to learn how to make this a satisfying experience. And she smiles and kinda says something like ‘well there’s only one way to really learn’. And she asks if I want to stay a little longer, and I say that I have no reason to say no. I think that got a little laugh from her, and she kissed me, and I started kissing her back. Which as stated further up I’ve kissed her back before, well, I accepted that she kissed me and I tried to reciprocate, but it was always a bit of a hands off maneuver. This time though I allowed myself to hold her and it was a very pleasant feeling. And the kissing intensified, and she sorta took the lead and guided my hands to where she wanted them to be, and I guess the word is curated my actions, and before I knew it there were less clothes on, and I was…if I may share a little too much, quite erect. I was actually feeling a little bit of that hot desire that I hear people talk about. And that was the point where it all kinda went bad. She made the completely valid action of trying to heighten my arousal by taking grasp of the situation, and it was like someone had turned cold water on the whole thing. I went completely soft, and I reflexively pushed her away. It all happened so fast, it was going really well and the moment she touched my- dick I had this visceral negative reaction to it, like in the pit of my stomach like if you opened a refrigerator that had been shut off and all the food had rotted inside of it.

I was so embarrassed, and she looked confused, and all I know is somehow I had gotten dressed very quickly and….I’ve never felt so terrible in my life. I apologized a lot, and I don’t know my mind was racing and I just couldn’t get away from this feeling…and finally I think I told her that I needed to go….so I did….

She called me this afterwards. And we talked, and I apologized again, which she told me I didn’t need to apologize which only prompted me to apologize for apologizing. She asked if it we were going to see each other this week…and I said if she wanted to on Christmas Eve….

I honestly don’t know how to proceed…or if I can. I don’t know what happened, only that it was going perfectly fine until…it very much didn’t. Part of me wants to capture a little of what I felt that night but now I might be even more paranoid about it now than I was….

Since It seems you're suffering for this situation, i think you could try to ask help from a specialist.
You had a reaction that you could not explain, and you like her and like girls, so It shouldn't end like that. You need to discover more about yourself.
She knows you are having trouble and I guess she will be patient. I hope so.
Good luck again.

 

[ennislivvy]

Since It seems you're suffering for this situation, i think you could try to ask help from a specialist.
You had a reaction that you could not explain, and you like her and like girls, so It shouldn't end like that. You need to discover more about yourself.
She knows you are having trouble and I guess she will be patient. I hope so.
Good luck again.

I'm more concerned that I've hurt her feelings. I was hoping that all I needed to do was summon some resolve and just...be willing to learn and do....and I can't even seem to do that...apparently and in the process I've left a very wonderful woman presumably wondering what's wrong with her...

I was afraid something like this would happen...but I thought 'it's not that difficult...you can do it....' apparently I'm better at lying to myself than I thought....

 

[deleted14389051]

Sure you don't want to hurt her feelings, but your feelings are important too. She's said you've nothing to apologise for, she wants to see you again, so that's good. But if things went too fast for you then it's important you tell her, and if she cares about you she'll respect that. The way I've read this it seems to me like she does care about you and respects you

 

[Gj816]

Just my two cents worth here, and I certainly don't want to sound or come off as offensive. Dude, quit over thinking this situation.

She sounds like a really nice lady whose company you seem to enjoy. While it's regrettable that you felt the way you did. It's ok. Sometimes baby's steps are the way to go.

You're new to this. That burning fire you felt. You'll feel again. Be yourself. Let your guard down. Be open minded and just let things flow naturally. Don't over think it. If you lose your wood don't retreat. Just keep going and hopefully it'll stiffen back up. Turn your attention to her.
Let your fingers do the exploring. Before you know it he'll be standing at attention again and just keep going. Every guy loses his erection at some point. It's natural. It happens. It doesn't mean you have to stop.

If you keep going and doing things that she likes it'll come back. Just roll with the flow. Be confident that you can do it. Don't worry about what you'll do before hand. Just let things unfold naturally. Good luck man. You got this.

 

[ennislivvy]

Just my two cents worth here, and I certainly don't want to sound or come off as offensive. Dude, quit over thinking this situation.

She sounds like a really nice lady whose company you seem to enjoy. While it's regrettable that you felt the way you did. It's ok. Sometimes baby's steps are the way to go.

You're new to this. That burning fire you felt. You'll feel again. Be yourself. Let your guard down. Be open minded and just let things flow naturally. Don't over think it. If you lose your wood don't retreat. Just keep going and hopefully it'll stiffen back up. Turn your attention to her.
Let your fingers do the exploring. Before you know it he'll be standing at attention again and just keep going. Every guy loses his erection at some point. It's natural. It happens. It doesn't mean you have to stop.

If you keep going and doing things that she likes it'll come back. Just roll with the flow. Be confident that you can do it. Don't worry about what you'll do before hand. Just let things unfold naturally. Good luck man. You got this.

I guess I haven't been very good at making myself be vulnerable. Two decades of being by yourself I suppose does that. I don't think I've been disrobed in front of anyone other than like one medical professional....like ever, at least not since I was a very small child. Never mind not having anyone touch me in such a intimate fashion. Even normally I'm not used to people...you know touching me. I mean it's not a problem when they do but I guess I've grown a level of unease with it...

Ironically I didn't have problems when it came to stimulating her, or kissing her, barring my incompetence... I did actually enjoy holding her close and other parts the of experience I had with her, just I guess I felt weirded out that someone would actually want to touch me in that way, I guess that's the part I have trouble getting past, that she actually is attracted to me and wants to reciprocate my desires to satisfy and explore my person. I guess I'm just not used to having someone else to respond to me in that way, or someone else wanting to be with me, it's completely foreign, both the act and the idea of it. I've always more or less lived alone since I left my parents, and really have never solicited or been solicited by anyone else. And even in high school and college, I sort of intentionally and unintentionally walled myself off from people, with various justifications...and as an older adult I just sort of....continued with the idea that I was undesired in that fashion...which I guess I was always fine with...

I was kinda prepared for me not to be able to perform. Either because I was premature or the normal typical failure to launch that someone like me can have. I think it was the blind I guess panic that threw me off...a sort of just creeping dread or deep sense of internal displeasure that seemed to erupt from nowhere. I just have to learn to suppress that I guess....

 

[ohiorod]

Once again, explain what happened and thank her for her patience and take it slower if you need to. You are making good progress; don’t let it set you back. Good luck! And by the way, get her a small Christmas gift!!!

 

[Gj816]

I guess I haven't been very good at making myself be vulnerable. Two decades of being by yourself I suppose does that. I don't think I've been disrobed in front of anyone other than like one medical professional....like ever, at least not since I was a very small child. Never mind not having anyone touch me in such a intimate fashion. Even normally I'm not used to people...you know touching me. I mean it's not a problem when they do but I guess I've grown a level of unease with it...

Ironically I didn't have problems when it came to stimulating her, or kissing her, barring my incompetence... I did actually enjoy holding her close and other parts the of experience I had with her, just I guess I felt weirded out that someone would actually want to touch me in that way, I guess that's the part I have trouble getting past, that she actually is attracted to me and wants to reciprocate my desires to satisfy and explore my person. I guess I'm just not used to having someone else to respond to me in that way, or someone else wanting to be with me, it's completely foreign, both the act and the idea of it. I've always more or less lived alone since I left my parents, and really have never solicited or been solicited by anyone else. And even in high school and college, I sort of intentionally and unintentionally walled myself off from people, with various justifications...and as an older adult I just sort of....continued with the idea that I was undesired in that fashion...which I guess I was always fine with...

I was kinda prepared for me not to be able to perform. Either because I was premature or the normal typical failure to launch that someone like me can have. I think it was the blind I guess panic that threw me off...a sort of just creeping dread or deep sense of internal displeasure that seemed to erupt from nowhere. I just have to learn to suppress that I guess....

You're good man. It's all new to you just like you said. Just take your time. Communication is key.

Let her know you desire her. That you're thrilled she desires you., but it's all new to you. I'm guessing she knows you're a virgin. It's ok.

Remember that the end goal is to satisfy her. In doing so you'll get satisfied too. Trust me once you get down to the nitty gritty and you see and feel how she responds to you and you respond to her it'll be enlightening.

She sounds like a very nice lady that you enjoy being with. She definitely sounds interested in you, and you her. Take it slow. Enjoy yourself and each other.

I agree get her a little something for Christmas, just so she knows you're thinking about her. Doesn't need to be expensive. Spend time with her and always let her know you enjoy her company and being with her. Good luck. You got this man. Be confident in yourself.

 

[Sagittarius84]

OP, I don't think you're overthinking this situation at all...granted it really does seem like this woman is into you, and it sounds like you've been lucky enough to come across one that would probably grant you some grace in your relationship/sexual inexperience, and subsequent panicked reactions...but I don't think your story is uncommon nor unexpected. You(we really) are at an age when so many of our female contemporaries have wisened up and made significant changes in whom they'd date based upon a much more substantial standards pertaining to their lives henceforth, meaning the stability and consistency you probably offer now are a lot more realistically attractive than the prestige and flash you lacked as a youth...also your age and maturity are going to appeal to younger women, that might not look twice if you were their age.
You sound like you experienced some form of imposter syndrome and used a panic response to prevent her from reinforcing what reality has already taught you about your level of attractiveness...which really doesn't sound dissimilar from many other guy's experience but for it happening in such a delayed fashion.
My advice is to be honest with this woman...she may be understanding of your lack of experience, but she may not comprehend how her advances could trigger such a reaction, and may take it as a blow to her ego, which doesn't spell well for you, unfair as that may be.
The plus side in all of this is if you are able to retain her attention and presence, and are observant of your surroundings, you'll quickly start to notice other women seeing you as that more attractive, which does wonders for the self esteem, because few things about a man grabs women's attention more than a woman's attention.

 

[ennislivvy]

The plus side in all of this is if you are able to retain her attention and presence, and are observant of your surroundings, you'll quickly start to notice other women seeing you as that more attractive, which does wonders for the self esteem, because few things about a man grabs women's attention more than a woman's attention.

That honestly sounds...terrible to my ears. 'Sarah's attentions are overwhelming enough....and that's after months of acclimating to her.

I was quite naively happy with the life I had before. More or less. These last however many months have been really enjoyable and fun, yes...but I'd lie if I said the last couple of weeks haven't been incredibly nerve wracking and this weekend was a kind of stress and concern I haven't felt in a long time. The idea that I may experience more of this from strangers is...kinda intimidating.... I never have liked being 'noticed', or celebrated or lauded. I'm the sort of person that flinches when they get an email that addresses me specifically. I just like doing my work, and going home, and kinda being left be, with a few caveats....of which Sarah is one.

 

[Sagittarius84]

That honestly sounds...terrible to my ears. 'Sarah's attentions are overwhelming enough....and that's after months of acclimating to her.

I was quite naively happy with the life I had before. More or less. These last however many months have been really enjoyable and fun, yes...but I'd lie if I said the last couple of weeks haven't been incredibly nerve wracking and this weekend was a kind of stress and concern I haven't felt in a long time. The idea that I may experience more of this from strangers is...kinda intimidating.... I never have liked being 'noticed', or celebrated or lauded. I'm the sort of person that flinches when they get an email that addresses me specifically. I just like doing my work, and going home, and kinda being left be, with a few caveats....of which Sarah is one.

So you're just generally averse to attention from all others, not necessarily in a romantic function? Is that something that has limited your life in any significant way, or do the pros outweigh the cons as far as your approach? Or does this very thread answer the question as Sarah's presence seems to make you yearn for more at some level? Or that if perhaps another "Sarah" archetype were to come along in conjunction with some other aspect of your life that you too wouldn't think this was a bad thing?
I think given your situation now is the time to overthink and seriously analyze what level of fulfillment you think you want as far as sex or romance. Not contingent upon how it may affect other comforts and boundaries you've set up, but just upon its own urgency...because I unfortunately agree, if you just suck it up now, don't think about it and just dive in headfirst, I do think you're going to be pretty successful in getting her back, rekindling something, and maybe a full fledged relationship complete with sexual benefits..only for your penis to fail you a couple yrs in when those doubts and feelings you suppressed rise back up and spiral you right back down.
First determine if you feel like a future sexually intimate relationship is worth present help/therapy for, and seek it if so. Then contact Sarah and tell her you're seeking help and would love if she'd like to be a part of that journey. If so rejoice, and go forth into healing, if not rejoice and go forth into healing to be ready for(or to seek out) the next "Sarah".

 

[ennislivvy]

So you're just generally averse to attention from all others, not necessarily in a romantic function? Is that something that has limited your life in any significant way, or do the pros outweigh the cons as far as your approach? Or does this very thread answer the question as Sarah's presence seems to make you yearn for more at some level? Or that if perhaps another "Sarah" archetype were to come along in conjunction with some other aspect of your life that you too wouldn't think this was a bad thing?
I think given your situation now is the time to overthink and seriously analyze what level of fulfillment you think you want as far as sex or romance. Not contingent upon how it may affect other comforts and boundaries you've set up, but just upon its own urgency...because I unfortunately agree, if you just suck it up now, don't think about it and just dive in headfirst, I do think you're going to be pretty successful in getting her back, rekindling something, and maybe a full fledged relationship complete with sexual benefits..only for your penis to fail you a couple yrs in when those doubts and feelings you suppressed rise back up and spiral you right back down.
First determine if you feel like a future sexually intimate relationship is worth present help/therapy for, and seek it if so. Then contact Sarah and tell her you're seeking help and would love if she'd like to be a part of that journey. If so rejoice, and go forth into healing, if not rejoice and go forth into healing to be ready for(or to seek out) the next "Sarah".

To be terribly honest, if Sarah had come up to me and hit on me, or made a pass at me or had done anything other than let this slowly unfurl....I'd have undoubtedly turned her down, and ran away from her. I'd have found such a forward provocation so...incredulous as I would've undoubtedly disbelieved its sincerity. Honestly I might have even been slightly offended believing that it was some kind of cruel prank. Even now, part of my unease is because she's cast this desire onto me, which isn't because she herself is undesirable or unattractive...quite the opposite in honesty.

As to my generalized comfort with attention. I am fine socializing with others, and going to a party, or telling jokes, or having a discourse. I don't feel terribly comfortable being applauded, or commemorated, or rewarded or personally praised, or shouted out, or gifted. I don't want to be the raised nail waiting for the hammer. In my experience people only notice you to put a target on your back....I don't want to be the fastest gunshooter in the west, because I don't want people shooting at me. I don't want to be the example or the illustration or the aspiration. I don't want to be renowned or even nowned...I just want to be good enough, competent enough for people to say 'well, he's nothing fancy but he gets the job done', and even then I don't want to hear it....I just want it to be this unspoken acceptance that doesn't need to be exposited. I'm the person that declines award nominations, or declines promotions and resists attempts to be toasted upon. I don't want to be special, being 'special' or 'exceptional' or 'good' brings expectations and obligations of success....

Sarah's presence makes me regret not having shared a portion of myself with someone else earlier. Makes me regret all the affections that I suppressed, and ignored, and never bothered to even consider. I've known her for a little over two years, and despite everything I have grown to have a very intense affection for her, if I was braver I'd probably even say I love her; but I am not...so the former will have to suffice and the latter will have to stand in the queue.

It's part of the reason this worries me so much. I'm afraid that my feelings aren't real. That this is just some long con my brain is playing because my horniness has slipped its cage and some semblance of me is struggling to hold it in place so it doesn't....ruin everything. Which sounds insane. I know how insane it sounds, I've re-written this response about fifteen times trying to make it sound less and less like a serial murderer on the prowl. I'm afraid that once we start having sex, it will quickly become a lot about the sex, that I won't be able to curtail my desires...and I'll become a gross pervy...16 year old in a nearly 40 year old body. I guess her wanting to, or having a desire to do it with me scares me so much because it just affirms the libido I've been sidelining for two and a half decades and I'm afraid I don't know what to do with that once it's allowed to exist free and walking around in the world interacting with other people....

I apologize if that came off...as overly confrontational, it wasn't the desired interpretation.

 

[Lolitagkekdn]

Interesting read… you’re puttin a lot of thoughts on what’s going on and questioning everything. You both seem to enjoy each other, my advice would be to take it slow and day by day and try to no overthink it. Maybe a little glass of wine could help you loosen up and relax when it comes to her touching you. You’re basically psychic yourself out and almost finding excuses for whatever it is not to work out given your past decades of being a loner (which is fine). But then again, if you feel like you’re not ready to take it further you’re not ready and that’s it for now. Baby steps is all I’m saying

 

[ennislivvy]

Interesting read… you’re puttin a lot of thoughts on what’s going on and questioning everything. You both seem to enjoy each other, my advice would be to take it slow and day by day and try to no overthink it. Maybe a little glass of wine could help you loosen up and relax when it comes to her touching you. You’re basically psychic yourself out and almost finding excuses for whatever it is not to work out given your past decades of being a loner (which is fine). But then again, if you feel like you’re not ready to take it further you’re not ready and that’s it for now. Baby steps is all I’m saying

Well, that...isn't what happened.

Last week really had me quite frustrated, but also fairly determined. Some of it was due to what people here said, and some of it was due to people elsewhere. So I kind of flatly decided that I was being quite silly in all of this. So on Christmas Eve I had already planned to spend the day with Sarah and so we did. Which isn't as intense as it sounds most of the day was spend birdwatching. But we talked, about everything and came to some acceptance that what happened the previous weekend was just stupid nerves acting up. But I did invite her to my home where I made supper, which was....a passable thing, I am not a great cook. Then we exchanged gifts, and well, at that point I was feeling quite comfortable with myself...

I own this piano, I don't really 'know how to play it' but I can kind of play it if I watch enough 'this is how you play X' videos, and had been over the last couple of months trying to brute force learn this one song from me and Sarah's younger days....(it had cropped up months ago). And well, apparently that proverbially hit the nail on the head.

I won't say it went off without a hitch, but I didn't have a panic attack this time. I was nervous and I will admit that initially the train didn't even leave the point of departure before blowing its steam....but Sarah was very kind about it and after resuming making out, and me being guided by her in going down on her, I feel like I was able to acquit myself adequately.... At least Sarah seemed to be satisfied which in my book is the only thing I truly care about, there are still parts of me that feel like I don't want to actually cum I just want to be able to facilitate her, but I'm trying my best to ignore them.

....Well, I say that. Maybe I'm doing things wrong, but I found the main thrust of the thing rather....tedious. By which I mean I really quite enjoyed all the preamble, the kissing, the touching and petting and despite my worries I rather enjoyed doing the oral which again other than the weekend before I had no experience of, so it was kind of a just do what feels right and wait for her to correct me sort of thing (I did kinda refuse to allow her to go down on me though [is that ok?], because it felt unfair to her considering my lack of experience and stuff...) but the actual coitus...was not as engaging as I expected it to be, and yes I wore a condom but even then.... Again I'm probably doing it wrong. But is that a thing? I mean it all felt; I guess good, I don't really have context to compare it to other than masturbation but it felt different but not necessarily better....it just after a bit felt kinda...there...and we didn't do a lot of gymnastics or a lot of position changes...which is undoubtedly my fault...she rode me for a little bit and then we sort of swapped positions...but it felt so much less...intimate than I expected it to feel, and do feel bad to admit that my mind kinda wandered for a bit in the middle...which feels really horrible for me to say....but it did.... The oral and the kissing and the caressing all felt way more intimate and enjoyable....which sounds weird considering I was literally within her...maybe I'm just a really bad fuck...I don't know....

Post Christmas we've been busy mostly. I got today off, and she was away for family stuff...which I declined to join her in largely because I took Christmas week off so had to work. I feel better about potentially doing this more with her...but part of me still kinda....feels vaguely unenthusiastic about it. I mean I would love to spend the night cuddling and petting and kissing but I'm not sure how excited I am about the actual sex....

 

[Lolitagkekdn]

Bear in mind that between sex with and without condom there’s a galaxy between them. I’m not encouraging you to drop the protection (know your status and your partners by all means) but personally fucking with a condom on feels like nothing. Some will agree some won’t but you take away most the sensation of it and it feels…mechanical. Maybe that’s why you prefered the foreplay and the kissing and the eating because you could feel her entirely and there wasn’t a plastic cover between you and her. I think getting head, for the first time I presume, would be a life altering experience before the actual fucking as long as she’s got decent skills… as a gay man most men I’ve met know how to navigate the water. I don’t know about the other sex. Anyways I’m happy you got to go through this first experience even though it wasn’t exactly what you expected.

 

[ennislivvy]

Bear in mind that between sex with and without condom there’s a galaxy between them. I’m not encouraging you to drop the protection (know your status and your partners by all means) but personally fucking with a condom on feels like nothing. Some will agree some won’t but you take away most the sensation of it and it feels…mechanical. Maybe that’s why you prefered the foreplay and the kissing and the eating because you could feel her entirely and there wasn’t a plastic cover between you and her. I think getting head, for the first time I presume, would be a life altering experience before the actual fucking as long as she’s got decent skills… as a gay man most men I’ve met know how to navigate the water. I don’t know about the other sex. Anyways I’m happy you got to go through this first experience even though it wasn’t exactly what you expected.

I don't think I'm up for her giving me head...

That feels weird to say. There's just something about that image in my mind that doesn't sit right with me.

I mean she asked if I wanted her to, she's game to do it, actually while we were making out she started going in that general direction, before I, I guess, physically changed the subject...would be the polite way of saying it. Just something about the idea of it makes me feel a little queasy...and uncomfortable...it feels...unearned, and I don't know if I ever would feel like I've earned it....I guess that's where my new block is....