I'm scared; who can I tell

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dotball, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. dotball

    dotball Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    62
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    narrabri, nsw
    Just a quick one and I'm sure there's a ton of backyard psychiatrists out there ...
    I'm married. I like guys. Have a best mate I stay over withnow and thenand we sleep together, as well as an obliging good friend who mutually enjoys kissing and BJs.
    I keep this a monster secret ... To protect my family. If it wasn't for the kids I'd be my true self.
    It busts me some times having to pretend. I have a really good Neighbour and have thought about telling him. For the sole reason to have some one I can talk to and be myself around.
    But I'm scared - what if he hates gays, what if he hates me doing this to my family (I take care of them first, not my urges), what if he then avoids me and I'm stuck living next door to a stranger who stares blazingly at me.
    Any opinions?
    How have others handled it?
    Confirming to a hetro society is hard!
     
  2. nudeyorker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    42,918
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NYC/Honolulu
    Keep it to yourself. If you want to talk with someone go to a group that caters to the issues of married men who lead double lives. Telling your next door neighbor sounds like a recipe for disaster.
     
  3. Charles Finn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2006
    Messages:
    2,538
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toledo Ohio
    yes talk to me I will help you through it
    I was always the other man
    so I know how it can be to be with a married man and you are the one on the side
    have fun play safe and try to make sure no one gets hurt
     
  4. SeeDickRun

    SeeDickRun New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2005
    Messages:
    235
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Indianapolis, IN
    Been there, done that. I can understand completely your need to feel like you have to tell someone. It took me a long time to "come out to myself", and when that happened, I too felt like I had to tell someone.

    I took another route though. I call a friend I used to work with, took him to lunch and told him. We weren't closely connected. That seemed to be the best way to do it. He laughed and told me that after his divorce, and before his next marriage, he had an older male lover for 5 years. I think that you might talk with a trusted person who isn't connected with your neighborhood or family in any way.

    But, your feeling that you have to tell someone is normal, and there are ways to pull it off.
     
  5. silvertriumph2

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    5,507
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    2,084
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Eastcoast USA (NYC-Manhattan)
    Verified:
    Photo

    Hey dotball...
    You are not the first one that has felt this way...so join the gang!

    First, I would say...forget telling your neighbor anything...keep it to yourself.

    If you must talk with someone, then find someone who understands, and with whom you will be comfortable opening up to and taking.

    Almost everywhere in the world today, there are LGBT services available and I just checked for NSW and found the following website.....

    http://www.glcsnsw.org.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=49&Itemid=205

    Please check with them, for I am sure you can get much needed help, counsel, and directions from their expert counsellors.

    Yes, confirming to a hetero society is difficult, but so is being a BI...and that I have experienced first hand....:biggrin:

    Take care and good luck. If you ever feel the need to vent...I'm here, just PM me.
     
  6. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2008
    Messages:
    474
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    61
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    So. Calif, Sicily
    Keep it to yourself!!! You already have your special friend that you talk to and he knows your secret.
     
  7. MrToolhung

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Keep it to yourself! Do not tell a neighbor about what is taking place in your bedroom or someone else's for that matter.
     
  8. dotball

    dotball Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    62
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    narrabri, nsw
    Wow. I'm impressed. Thank u all. You pretty much just confirmed my thoughts.
    I agree, I have a special mate to share this with and am lucky there, but when u live in the bush and your closest confidante is 100k away, u feel so constricted.
    Thanks guys - guess this really is a community.
     
  9. secondbest69

    secondbest69 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2011
    Messages:
    533
    Albums:
    10
    Likes Received:
    393
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    fl
    i think SILVERTRIUMPH2.......
     
  10. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    You have told your wife, right? Right? If anyone deserves to be the first to know it's her. Tell nobody else until you have managed to tell her. If it takes years, then it takes years.
     
  11. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,102
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    47
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    I think you should tell your wife, not your neighbor.
     
  12. dotball

    dotball Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    62
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    narrabri, nsw
    Ok. There's a change in tac; telling my wife is destructive, telling my neighbour (somebody) is looking for support. I think something in line with talking and friendship would be much more productive than fighting, family busting and self righteous selfishness.
     
  13. dad4you

    dad4you Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Messages:
    872
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boise, Idaho
    DO NOT tell your wife or any of your family until you are damned well and sure that you are willing to give up all your family and personal possessions.. including the love of your children. Depending on what happens there, the potential for disaster is enormous. Get to a LBGT group, or get some other sort of counseling on how to live with this in the most non-destructive way.
     
  14. dotball

    dotball Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    62
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    narrabri, nsw
    Dad4u - sounds like a man of experience. I hear ya mate.
     
  15. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,102
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    47
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Verified:
    Photo

    Well I don't know your wife, but I do know that for some women, this would not be a dealbreaker & they would appreciate the honesty. I've actually had this conversation with some female friends and they have told me that this is how they feel. Two of them have actually had husbands who cheated on them & they stayed together and worked it out.
     
  16. dotball

    dotball Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2009
    Messages:
    62
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    narrabri, nsw
    I think when it comes to telling my wife, staying and working it out is not an option. The best I could hope for is to remain friends and continue seeing my kids.
    For sanity's sake, I'm just looking for understanding mates right now.
     
  17. voodoo2

    voodoo2 Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2008
    Messages:
    47
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    Dont say a thing.
     
  18. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Why is telling your wife destructive? She's your wife! You made vows! If you can't tell her, tell no one at all.

    A dishonest marriage is doomed anyway. you can put it off until the kids are grown, but it will go down. And unless you ask, you will never know if your wife would be just fine with you playing with men.
     
  19. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    Don't tell your neighbor. What kind of "support" are you looking for, from that neighbor, that you aren't already getting from your BJ-buddies?

    As a part-time swinger and a mom, I have an iron-clad policy: DO NOT MUDDY THE WATER THAT YOU DRINK. In other words, my "alter ego" is NEVER, EVER around my house or my children.

    Why the hell would I tell a neighbor anything about my sex life???
     
  20. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2008
    Messages:
    474
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    61
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    So. Calif, Sicily
    You are fortunate that you have several understanding mates, Us !!!
    Do not tell ANYONE, unless you plan on seeking professional help to deal with what you are going thru, and I suspect it's a bit of guilt !

    I have a "special friend" from my childhood that we had the same type of relationship you have. He finally married, had kids, and now says he regrets doing what we did. Imagine if he had told his wife back then. Their marriage certainly would have been over. It's been years since we last messed around, however to this day we remain best friends.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted