I'm threatened and totally turn off when Im around attractive people

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by woogexx, Dec 24, 2010.

  1. woogexx

    woogexx New Member

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    Im a gay male and Ive had this problem for awhile and it only seems to be getting worse. I figure a female might be able to relate a little better to my problem then another guy.

    I just feel really threatened and nervous when Im around an attractive guy (someone new, who I just met, gay or straight). I pretty much shut down, I go out of my way to ignore them. I even sometimes give them an attitude, all because I find them attractive. Can anyone relate to this problem? Is there anything I can do to make it go away or control it a little better? I feel like I need to go see a shrink but I have no insurance and im broke, so Im pretty much on my own.

    It really sucks cause I feel like im cheating myself out of alot of good times, whos to say this person I think is cute doesnt think Im cute back? Youd never know though because I dont give them the chance.

    All it causes is a vicious cycle, of course if you ignore someone or give them a little atitude they do the same back. Im I insane? I dont know what to do its really bothering me.

    Its a mixture of my fear of rejection and thinking I wouldnt be good enough for them. I just dont know how to fix it or at least work on it.


    Can anyone relate?
     
  2. D_Mona Samore

    D_Mona Samore Account Disabled

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    Wow!! You are actually off to a good start in turning this around. I mean, you have identified your problem, the reasons why you think you have this problem, and why you want to change. Good job! To tackle those behaviors that you want to change, take baby steps. When you are around a man that you think is attractive, and you start to feel the anxiety build, make yourself take a few deep breaths and concentrate on performing a behavior that you want, such as a smile. Slowly build your positive behaviors, replacing those negative ones that you want to change. Good luck, and you CAN take control and do this!
     
  3. B_prettyswinggirl

    B_prettyswinggirl New Member

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    Great advise! I'd also add a few other behavior modifications that helped me... An elastic band around your wrist, when you feel yourself going to a negative place snap it hard enough to sting. It helps remind you to take those deep breaths and smile! Also helps take your mind off your anxiety. Another thing I still do is force myself to make eye contact with anyone I felt nervous around and smile. You'd be suprised how many people smile right back! Good luck and hope this helps!
     
  4. woogexx

    woogexx New Member

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    Good advice, thanks girls...

    I just hate when I come across an asshole, they always take me back to square one, where i started. I wish I could block out and ignore the negative responses but for some reason its all i focus on when it happens.

    btw my "fear of rejection" is an incredibly large issue in my life, I feel like I might have downplayed it a little.

    However I am writing down your ideas and will try to bring them into play for sure ill take any help :)
     
  5. B_prettyswinggirl

    B_prettyswinggirl New Member

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    You also have to remember that the assholes in this world were created by something that skewed their thinking too. I always tell myself that something was wrong with them way before I met them and will probably be wrong with them way after I'm thankfully away from them!

    I put a mental image in my head of the asshole as a child around 3 or 4 year old and then I find myself pitying them and my anger level automatically comes down. It creates a lot less emotional termoil to me and helps to minimize their negative impact on me as well. Try it next time it happens and let us know if it helps!
     
  6. rob_

    rob_ Active Member

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    I agree with the above poster.
    The people who mistreat you because they are more attractive than you are skewed.
    They are less attractive than you.

    Outer looks, although we find it humble to say they are not important, are at least somewhat important. But they do not create the whole picture.

    If you think these people are better than you because they are more outwardly attractive, then you are wrong. We are all equals.

    Best of luck overcoming this situation!
    Merry Christmas.

    Robertt
     
  7. woogexx

    woogexx New Member

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    more great advice, thanks guys
     
  8. MoneyForNothing

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    Stop caring about what people think. I can't relate at all.
     
  9. redbear52

    redbear52 New Member

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    I think this is a common problem. I am a heterosexual male, and when I was younger, I became very intimidated, awkward, and tongue-tied around very attractive females, and was very reluctant to approach one through a fear, or even near-certainty of being rejected.

    When I was a little older I had some sexual relationships with some pretty beautiful women. These usually developed over a period of time when they were friends of friends, and often after they had approached me. I was surprised to hear a couple of them say that they had had a hard time finding dates when they were younger. The guys they were really interested in would never approach them, and those guys who would approach them they generally considered arrogant assholes.
     
  10. Pierced1953

    Pierced1953 New Member

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    Just wanted to say hi and Merry X-Mas.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    Take it in baby steps. Just because you think somebody is hot does not mean instant sexual magic is going to happen one way or the other. Concentrate on becoming friends with people you find attractive, if that's possible. By that I mean if they act friendly to you, encourage that, and don't worry about the rest. It's always better to have sex with a friend.

    Having an automatic negative response like that is frustrating, and the cultivation of calmness helps very much. But you can get over that with the deep breaths. Just sit back and enjoy the view of those lovely people. Your smile can be one of simple appreciation, no matter what happens next.

    We are surrounded by human beings every day, and each and every one has some redeeming quality, even if it's not readily available to view. You will keep meeting new ones your entire life. That's a lot of pretty humans to see. And those who are friendly types will enjoy your admiration enough to take a second look at you, never fear.
     
  12. B_ILIW

    B_ILIW New Member

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    I think it's a confidence issue. Do you feel inferior to attractive people? if so, why?
     
  13. sexplease

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    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

    Buddha

    Consider putting the 420 down for a while.
    One possible side affect of pot smoking is - it may arrest emotional growth or effect an already underlying problem.
    Health aspects of cannabis.

    With your self image and self esteem challenges, I'm guessing you started smoking during middle school.
    At a time (early teen years) when heterosexuals have questions and opportunities to explore interpersonal relationships, homosexuals often are shoved into a closet and sometimes retreat and withdraw emotionally and physically.
    You're going through what in human nature is explored during middle and high schools.

    Seek counsel through your local LGBT center. They will have a sliding scale to meet the needs of your budget.
    And don't be too hard on yourself. Opening up, as you are, shows a healthy amount of emotional questioning and, opens you up to positive growth.
     
  14. woogexx

    woogexx New Member

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    I started casually smoking around 19. became more of a pothead around 21-22. So I didn't start at too young of an age. It has crossed my mind before that this is an immature response.

    I do feel inferior to them. I don't know, I have a major complex about my skin (I'm a ginger so i'm not the darkest of the bunch :) ) and that makes me feel unattractive, so when I'm around a hot person I turn them away before they can turn me away.

    As you can see Ive been analyzing myself for awhile lol and I try to control and maintain myself but it just always comes back and bites me on the ass at some point or another.

    I haven't always been like this, it's developed within the last few years. I feel like the normal (for a lack of a better word) self is still holding on trying to break through. no such luck....

    Ive never thought about going to my local GLBT community center, you think they could offer advice? Willing to try...

    love all the 2 cents, thanks so much
     
  15. avg_joe

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    Asking help from a therapist or a psychologist would be your best option.
     
  16. Charles Finn

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    I will never give up my pot but bills come first
    I do care what others think to a point but yes i love me and I come first.
    just relax and be yourself
     
  17. Bbucko

    Gold Member

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    Disclosing that you're a Ginger actually helps (me at least) understand part of what's eating at you. There's rarely if ever been any kind of societal approval for your kind of look: we live in a Tall, Dark & Handsome (TDH) universe. Does the expression "treated like the red-headed step-child" mean anything to you, even subconsciously?

    With so few Ginger role-models, it's small wonder most end up with inferiority complexes, though that doesn't condone it. Very few of us actually resemble the TDH paradigm; the trick is to work your positives as hard as you can while acknowledging and accepting (not attempting to disguise) your negatives.

    I, for instance, am 5'6 in stocking feet. At any given social function or evening out at a bar, I'm as likely as not to be one of the shortest guys in the room. When I was a teenager this bugged the hell out of me, as I found it unattractive but worried that I'd overcompensate and morph into a Napoleon-complex. In the end, I figured out subtle tricks of body language and ways of dressing that, while not making me any taller, left people with the impression that I'm not as short as I actually am.

    Without any pix, I have no way of being able to assess your strengths, but I can guess at a few: you probably have beautiful eyes and great teeth, and by your writing style are obviously intelligent and (when comfortable) reasonably articulate. These are positives you can use today: this minute.

    If you find your hair unattractive, keep it cut very short (this will also give you a younger look). Work on your posture, which is a dead-giveaway as to self-esteem. If you're dissatisfied with your physique, try going to the gym or yoga; either method of self-improvement will maximize the best of what you were born with and give you greater confidence regarding your general appearance.

    Fit is the single most important element of being well-dressed. Lots of guys with low self-esteem hide under layers of clothing that's much too large. Make sure everything you put on fits you correctly: it will also make you feel more comfortable, which helps with confidence, too.

    Make and maintain eye contact, and unless utterly serious, smile more :biggrin1:

    LGBT centers are great social outlets for those who'd prefer to not have their social life be centered on alcohol, and most sponsor groups for any number of things, from movies to book clubs to what we used to call "consciousness-raising" and "rapping" before it became synonymous with Hip Hop. And not to get preachy (because I'm hardly a prohibitionist), but weed just fucks with my head, making me paranoid and very awkward socially. If it has the same effect on you, you might consider refraining from using it in social situations.

    Good luck!
     
  18. helgaleena

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    I , and many others, have a secret weakness for ginger. And freckles. Too bad you aren't lesbian.
     
  19. rbkwp

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    Stay COOL,
    we are all attractive in Many Many Ways
    those who dont recognize & acknowledge, are often the losers
    in all ways
    being defensive gets a bit boring, after a while

    as the signature says, we will all suffer a banquet of consequences'
    eventually, be it at Judgement day ..
    GLBT, you may well know when yr ready to attend, i feel.
    enz
    btw a hip youth radio station in NZ has a 'hug a ging,a day' once a year
    Many folk complain re it, especially parents of children who can be placed under sufferance at school etc.. my take, it enhances the cause of just getting on with life,
    accepting & loving one and other.............
     
  20. airc3

    airc3 New Member

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    I can totally relate, since I feel the same way. To start with, I'm only 5'7". Second, I used to be huge -- 270 lbs. I also have kind of bad skin, although it's not as bad as it used to be. I'm nearly 27, and thus far I've lived a basically asexual life because I never thought anyone could find me attractive. I don't go out (bars, social events, etc) because I always think those places are filled with attractive people and I would stick out so badly people will laugh at me. I just don't think I'd be welcome.

    As for being a ginger, I don't see what that has to do with anything. I'm Italian and have naturally dark skin (one hot girl actually said it was "perfect") yet I still can't get a date and am a virgin. So it's done jack shit for me.

    Over the past year I've lost 85 lbs. More than one person has said I am now "handsome." I don't see it yet, but I am starting to feel better about myself. Are you overweight? Hit the gym and diet.

    If you still think you're ugly, go to IHOP. It always has the fattest, ugliest people around. Confidence boost!

    Not sure if I really contribute anything, but just want you to know you're not along in having these thoughts.
     
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