I'm Totally Confused, Open Relationship. Need Your Opinion.

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Hey guys, I'm in an absolute emotional chaos right now. And need your advice.

Text becomes a little longer.

My boyfriend and I are together for almost 8 years now, he is my first boyfriend and man that i have sex with. Bevor him i only was with girls. I only know sex between Men with him.

Our everyday relationship is more than perfect, very harmonious. We never argue, our friends always say we are the perfect couple. He is the love of my life.

Now comes the point!

Sexually things have been bad for a long time, we hardly have sex anymore. With good luck, once a month, monotonous sex. I want to try a lot of things that he doesn't like.

In the past few months I've also felt a need, a desire.
A desire to gain sexual experience. Feeling an another man, suck and fuck another man, trying new things out, things that my boyfriend doesn't like. But I would never told my boyfriend about it, I'm more of someone who tries to suppress such thoughts. And dont want to hurt his feelings.

UNTIL 2 days ago.....

I caught him cheating, he told me he met with work colleagues. Later when he was back home, he got a Whats app message with the sentence "It was nice to fuck you hot boy". (His phone was on the table and the message pops up on the lock screen.)

Of course I was angry and hurt and besides myself, I also pounded him.

I thought why does he do this to me, doesn't he love me anymore?

We then argued for half the night, until it calmed down again and we both talked really openly with each other for the first time in our Relationship.

He explained to me that he loves me like on the first day, but this sexual situation between us is a burden for him.

I then told him that I feel the same way and that I need to gain experience and would like to feel another man.

We both came to the conclusion, we love each other, we want to get old together BUT we are sexually unhappy.

We both suggested an open relationship pretty much at the same time. We went through the rules and started the Open Relationship and downloaded Grindr.

Later when we were in bed, we fucked and it was really hot and good again in a long time. At the moment it turned me on that he had a different cock inside a few hours earlier.

But now I'm sitting here today, writing at Grindr with others and suddenly I'm unsure whether I really want this open relationship thing. I could have met someone today, but in the end I blocked it.

I'm torn inside. On the one hand it is what I had in my mind for a long time, the desire for something different sexually, on the other hand
i'm not sure if it's really what I want.

My boyfriend is suddenly totally balanced now, also shows me who he is writing with on Grindr.

What do you advise me?

Actually, I can only find out if I like it when I try it. Or what do you think?
 
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AVx22

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8 years in a relationship is quite a long time.

Based on what you wrote, things were going south long before the last few days. A soon as the sex started to dwindle to once a month, a conversation should have been started. Your desires to have sex with other men did not come out of the blue. It took him to cheat for you guys to have a whole argument; much too late.

Opening the relationship may work for you guys, but communication is missing in this relationship. You two could be drifting apart. Open relationships may lead to him or you finding a new partner. You really need to sit and discuss this. Do you really love each other? Any hesitation to the answer might indicate that the relationship is in peril. And if you are in love, do what you can to save it.

Personally, open relationships are not on the table for me. You two can have good sex without other people.
 

Sklar

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I am coming into this with a very biased attitude.

For me, an open relationship will never be on the table.

I am a strict monogamist.

I think, deep down, you are, too. Especially since you had the opportunity to have sex with someone, with your boyfriends blessing, and you turned it down and blocked the person.

In my view, and this is 100% my view, which I admitted is biased, the relationship you had is over. He was out fucking guys behind your back, probably since the sex with you went down to once a month.

I do agree with the previous poster that both of your lack of communication lead to your current situation.

You might as well downgrade your status from boyfriends to just friends with benefits.

You deserve better than that.

8 years is hard to let go off. But you should let it go and find someone that has the same morals that you do.

Sklar
 

erpap

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Try over 25 years! An a good portion of that we did have sex! In all honesty I never cheated. I have been on here and porn sites! I recently saw he was a member on a dating app site. This has started a long discussion in this past week! He tells me he never cheated, I asked if he wanted to and he says that is not the type of relationship he wants. While I have been on here and made some very raunchy comments and made some very raunchy posts I would never cheat. We have been talking and things are moving in a good direction. But it still makes me hurt that he was on a hookup site and he tells me he never meet anyone. It’s not fun and while I believe him my mind still wonders and wonders. I know I am no angel I was here on LPSG and he was on his site. I guess what concerns me is where it said availability on his site you could choose not now, later, try me and other options his was try me. My head is spinning.
 

erpap

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Try over 25 years! An a good portion of that we did have sex! In all honesty I never cheated. I have been on here and porn sites! I recently saw he was a member on a dating app site. This has started a long discussion in this past week! He tells me he never cheated, I asked if he wanted to and he says that is not the type of relationship he wants. While I have been on here and made some very raunchy comments and made some very raunchy posts I would never cheat. We have been talking and things are moving in a good direction. But it still makes me hurt that he was on a hookup site and he tells me he never meet anyone. It’s not fun and while I believe him my mind still wonders and wonders. I know I am no angel I was here on LPSG and he was on his site. I guess what concerns me is where it said availability on his site you could choose not now, later, try me and other options his was try me. My head is spinning.
That should read did not have sex!
 

Gerrymi

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Would you be okay if you boyfriend leaves in the middle of the night to meet someone while you stay at home waiting for him? If you are okay with that you should do it. But anyway, you should see if you can have sex with someone else while in this relationship. Don't force yourself but try to see how it goes and if you are okay with that you have opened it.
 

Stratavos

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so things seem to be getting better simply because he's being honest in who he's off to see and play with. it's not like you two will never be having sex again, though this may have devolved into roommates with benefits.

Sometimes finding someone that you can both be with can help, though that does also cause "unicorn hunting" to happen (trying to find the person who's perfect for both of you two as you are, without being wiling to take said third person's desires into account properly)

Considering you can have a committed open relationship (it's been done for a long time through history, especially the unrecorded) i's more about being open and honest about your desires and needs. (they are not the same thing)
 
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Thanks for your answers so far. In our conversation we also noticed that we both should have talked about such things much earlier.

Apart from the sex situation, our relationship was always very harmonious. I think we never brought up difficult topics because we didn't want to hurt the other.

This, of course, was wrong.

We talked for an extremely long time, the question of whether we are only friends+ also came up.

We both agree that this is not the case.

We still feel the same for each other, he doesn't want to be without me and I don't want to be without him.

The fact that I've been thinking about sex with others for a long time doesn't come from nowhere that's true. But this is a problem I have with myself, he is the first man in my life. I'm just scared of missing out on something, of not having the opportunity to act out myself. These thoughts got stronger and stronger the older I get.

I think I'll just try it out, if I notice I can't, we have to talk again and find a solution.

The fact is we don't want to be without each other, but as it was it couldn't go on.

Maybe it works and we can do it, maybe not. The future will tell.
 

dreamer20

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my first boyfriend..almost 8 years now..He is the love of my life..Sexually things have been bad..once a month, monotonous sex... I want to..gain sexual experience..another man..trying new things out..that my boyfriend doesn't like.
2 days ago..
I caught him cheating, I was angry, hurt and ..pounded him...we talked openly with each other...this sexual situation between us is a burden.. I..told him that I ..would like to feel another man...We both suggested an open relationship... We went through the rules and started the Open Relationship and downloaded Grindr. Later when we were in bed, we fucked and it was really hot and good again in a long time.. now I'm..unsure whether I want this open relationship thing. I'm torn inside. On the one hand it is what I had in my mind for a long time. My boyfriend is suddenly totally balanced now, also shows me who he is writing with on Grindr.
What do you advise me?

I'm happy to learn your sex burden has eased thegoodboyx. Let your boyfriend know you enjoyed sex with him. He will be pleased to hear that. Before you pair up with (a) different partner(s) start experimenting with each other. What specific things do you want your boyfriend to do that he so dislikes? Ask if he would be willing to do those tasks to please you or not. Find out what he wants done, by you, to change the monotonous monthly routine. Once you two have sorted out your sexual likes and dislikes you may not need to seek another man at all. But if you do, consider having a threesome with one of your boyfriend's playmates. That way you'll experince something different as a couple with someone that already knows one of you.
 
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bellybama

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Microchip him in his sleep and sneak mass levels of estrogen into his food.

Problem solved.

I'm kidding. You can only do one of those two things before you get labeled "problematic" or "controlling"

I'm of the firm belief that once trust is broken, you should attempt to identify what went wrong, and learn from it... Whilst making them suffer in subtle ways for months as you plan an exit strategy(and selling their blurays on eBay). Like accidentally CC their boss in a sext, or get them on a global No Fly list. Just make sure it's subtle.
 

Nw2London

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Hey, I’ve been in a similar situation and hope this advice helps.

First of all, and you’ll hear this from every person you speak to and everything you read, they key is openness and honesty. He has hurt your feelings but if you’d been able to chat about things before he did this act things may have played out a little different.

My partner and I have been together 6 years and the sex has become less frequent (at the start it was most days and now it’s maybe once or twice a week) but it still is great when we do. We’ve decided to search for thirds to spice things up a bit. If that’s something you’re comfortable with it’s worked for us! If not, and you both can’t agree on how to move forward then it may be the end.

Don’t worry about conventional norms that heterosexual society enforced on us. Relationships with two men are often different. So figure out what works for you guys and if you love each other, you’ll find a common ground that works for you both.

Good luck!
 
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Thanks for your answers so far. In our conversation we also noticed that we both should have talked about such things much earlier.

Apart from the sex situation, our relationship was always very harmonious. I think we never brought up difficult topics because we didn't want to hurt the other.

This, of course, was wrong.

We talked for an extremely long time, the question of whether we are only friends+ also came up.

We both agree that this is not the case.

We still feel the same for each other, he doesn't want to be without me and I don't want to be without him.

The fact that I've been thinking about sex with others for a long time doesn't come from nowhere that's true. But this is a problem I have with myself, he is the first man in my life. I'm just scared of missing out on something, of not having the opportunity to act out myself. These thoughts got stronger and stronger the older I get.

I think I'll just try it out, if I notice I can't, we have to talk again and find a solution.

The fact is we don't want to be without each other, but as it was it couldn't go on.

Maybe it works and we can do it, maybe not. The future will tell.

Situations like yours are pretty complex. Overall, it sounds like you and your partner have far more in common than not. It just sounds like some sexual incompatibility is getting in the way. I think you should try giving the open relationship a trial run and see how you feel about it after giving it a few weeks or months. I imagine that your emotions are still a little raw from having caught him slipping around on you, but that can heal with time and communication. Once you give the open relationship a little time, you'll be able to make a more objective decision about whether it's working out. You may find you are perfect partners, but both prefer having sex with other people. You may find you're fine him having sex with other people, but you don't want to have sex with others. Or, you may decide you hate sharing your boyfriend with other people and the relationship isn't going to work out. Point being, only giving it a try and a bit of time will give you the chance to make the best decision.

The fact y'all have been together for eight years and still seem to have a lot of affection for each other would indicate to me that the relationship is worth trying to save. It takes a lot of things to make a good relationship, and in my experience sex should be the least important one. People have all sex of sexual hang-ups and interests, so it's really kind of a shame when people split up good relationships because they're not having their specific sexual interests scratched. Ultimately though, you have to make the decision of what's best for you. I hope everything turns out well.
 

EquusAZ

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First of all, congratulations for being honest with each other, and talking about your problems instead of just reacting to a situation.

I think the problem you had over the last 8 years wasn't that you were trapped and unhappy due to an unsatisfied sex-life. That was the symptom. The problem was that neither of you was talking to the other about how you were unhappy, what made you unhappy, and neither of you came up with a proper resolution.

What happened is that the problem boiled over and someone reacted. That resulted in party B (you) finding out about party A (your partner) cheating on you. Then, when confronted with an untenable situation, you began to try to come to a solution.

What you both need to do, is to openly communicate to each other about the problem. About the feelings you are both having. Honest conversations where you both listen to the other.

Don't worry about whether or not anyone on here thinks you are right, or he was right, or anything else. We don't also have the full story, but from what I can see / hear in your post, you both need to communicate with each other. If you keep the relationship open that's fine. If you close it, that's fine. If its open on one side and closed on the other, that's fine. But those are answers you both much come to as a couple. You both have to agree on them. Love, honor, and support each other!
 

Stephenmass

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I'm finding with the Covid virus around, a lot of us are staying in not going out the way we used to. Not anywhere near it. Anyway, lots of guys and straight couples are running into relationship problems right now. It's sad how many of my friends are breaking up, separating, divorcing, etc. There is nowhere to go to "date" your significant other and concluding a night the way you used to sexually. Money problems are common as well. It's possible that this is getting in the way also. Give it time at least until this hopefully gets by us all. You may find your relationship will recharge when things get better. Unless of course, it's deeper than that. I read your original post and I can see why you feel that way. A couple of guys I know actually left their boyfriends/partners only to regret it later. They thought it would be better. Sometimes it is if you guys have grown apart, but I find for a lot both caring enough to work together to bring it closer together often works, but only if it's what BOTH of you want.
 
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laser90

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First of all, congratulations for being honest with each other, and talking about your problems instead of just reacting to a situation.


Don't worry about whether or not anyone on here thinks you are right, or he was right, or anything else. We don't also have the full story, but from what I can see / hear in your post, you both need to communicate with each other. If you keep the relationship open that's fine. If you close it, that's fine. If its open on one side and closed on the other, that's fine. But those are answers you both much come to as a couple. You both have to agree on them. Love, honor, and support each other!

I have to agree with EquusAZ on this part. I know many couples that are very happy being in an open relationship and I know many couples that are not. All the ones that stay together have set rules and expectations and then follow them. You must do the same. What right is what right for the two of you.

You asked.....should you try it? I don't see much of a downside to trying it now since your other half now has a green light to play.

Hope that helps... and good luck!
 

titan1968

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I agree. In an open relationship, both partners should get tested every 3-6 months for sexually transmitted diseases and adopt healthy behaviours to prevent the spread of STDs (e.g. use of condoms). For more information, both parties should make an appointment with a doctor or sex therapist.

I have to agree with EquusAZ on this part. I know many couples that are very happy being in an open relationship and I know many couples that are not. All the ones that stay together have set rules and expectations and then follow them. You must do the same. What right is what right for the two of you.

You asked.....should you try it? I don't see much of a downside to trying it now since your other half now has a green light to play.

Hope that helps... and good luck!
 

MancmanMatt

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I'll add to this that when I was with my ex we opened the relationship. He didn't want sex and I'm a horny bugger, opening things was his idea and it actually improved our relationship significantly.

The fact you couldn't go through with meeting up is perfectly normal. When I first arranged to meet with a guy my ex was with me in bed and I was like are you really absolutely sure that you're okay with me going? I needed his complete reassurance that this is what he wanted. I wanted it, hell I needed it.

So off I go and meet with this guy. We start doing sexy things and I'm loving it, finally a dick in my mouth again, but I start thinking of my boyfriend and have to stop. I felt so guilty, I apologised and left. Immediately I call my man, as I'm walking home, and he ended up coming out the house and walking to meet with me before we both walked home together. I was an emotional wreck and he ended up consoling me for the rest of the evening.

If you're anything like me the first time will be difficult. But after I'd got my head around what had happened I tried again and it was wonderful.

You don't need to feel guilty about this as you have your boyfriends explicit permission that this is okay. Exploring your sexuality, which is essentially what I did once we went open, will be a fantastic experience and very fulfilling. Until you get comfortable with it, it will play with your emotions a little but that just means there's genuine love left for your man in you.
 

seventiesdemon

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Open
134809.jpg


Closed
old-wooden-gate-fence-ivy-vegetation-surrounding-timber-gate-latch-woods-195526850.jpg


If you wish to jump the fence, or crawl under it then it's on you. Not hard to work out. If it's not open, then don't trespass.
 
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