In Closet, Dating boyfriend for 4 months. Advice?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by 7"24, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    Hey guys. *To update everyone my boyfriend is 18 senior in high school. *I'm 24 we have been dating for 4 months. *I am his longest relationship, and are each others first boyfriend. *We both lead two different lives when not with each other, we are both very straight acting. *We progressed very quickly in our relationship, saying I love you fast, slept together pretty quick, but only get to see each other once or twice a week. *I love him, I know it, I could go on defending how I know I am in LOVE but that's for another post, just believe me he is my love, and the only person I want forever. *

    Here's the problem, *he won't open up to me on an emotional level. *He will always say I love you. *But when it comes to deep emotions etc it's like talking to a brick wall. *It makes me question if he loves me. *He says he never wants to break up, he wants to spend his life with me. *But yet he can't express these things out loud. *I know his mom and dad are split up so I kind of feel like that has developed his idea of relationships.

    He won't talk to me about being gay, but says hes fine with liking guys, and knows what he wants. *The thing is I'm a person who lived to 24 thinking these feelings would go away and that it was just a block from a sexual experience I encountered at a very young age again topic for another post. *After being with him I know what REAL love is and who I want to spend my life with. *But I have had such a hard time accepting that, I have needed his support but can't get it.*

    *When we are together it's dynamite, but he can still have an occasional moment where it's like he's putting up a wall. *I don't want to question his love but how can I help move our relationship forward. *

    He does little things every now and then to show me he loves me, and it's not all about sex.

    I just have a hard time staying motivated feeling like he will never change and never want to open up to me or feel closer to me. *I feel like I need that. *How do I help myself relax about the situation I don't want to push him away. *

    Any advice or questions would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. aninnymouse

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    Some guys just AREN'T very open emotionally, and don't care to talk about their feelings, at all. Perhaps to him, his sexuality is not that big of a deal. Or at least, not big enough to talk about it like that. It just is.

    He sounds like one of those type of men who are not very demonstrative with their feelings, and doesn't SAY things much, but prefers to SHOW things.

    I do understand that you don't have a lot of outlets in your life, and there are a lot of other difficult situations surrounding your living situation and others surrounding you. That's what makes things the worst, 'cause I think you DO want someone to talk to about these things.

    However, being insecure and clingy will only push him away. He has six more months of high school left, and he's trying to get through that, and figure out what is next with his life. You know he loves you, as you've said he does little things when you're together that show that.

    I think for now, that's got to be enough. It's just going to take time. That's all.
     
  3. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    Delete
     
  4. martin60018

    martin60018 Member

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    but you also have a 20% chance of finding a female to fall in love with. maybe he knows that and is afraid that one day you will leave him for a female as you are closeted and need to conform to str8 life..... and split with him just like his parents did.
    and, if you cannot cope with the "differences" you both have, the both of you will not be able to "adjust" to each others lives.
    b/f and I are in a 14yr ltr and we figured out long long ago, like 1 month into it, that we were not not so compatible outside the home. So he does his thing and I do mine.
    At the end of the day we are in bed together everynight!
    maybe that is an option for the two of you.
    opening up emotionally takes a few years for somepeople
    for b/f and myself, we can read each other well enough to just know.
    just give it time to see what works for the two of you.
     
  5. sexplease

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    it take a long time to know yourself. What makes you think an 18 year old know him or herself? Stop worrying about what you're not getting and be thankful for what you are getting and find that you like.
    Enjoy the time you spend together.
     
  6. erratic

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    Dude: 1) He's closeted; 2) he's 18 (like sexplease pointed out); 3) he's a dude (like anninnymouse pointed out). How were you about opening up emotionally when you were 18? He's probably still working out a lot of that teenaged self-identity shit - which is totally normal - and may not be confident enough in his own skin to open up emotionally, especially when it comes to feelings of love and sexuality. When it comes down to it, how many grown men are able to open up about feelings of love and sexuality? That's not what we're taught to do. Actually, that's the opposite of what we're taught to do: We're taught to not have any emotions, and to act on sexuality instead of feeling it.

    If you need someone who can open up to you more, if you need someone who can give you that kind of closeness, tell your partner. If he can't give that to you, you may need to look elsewhere. I know you love him, and I'm sure you don't want to lose that love; but if he's not ready to give you what you want (and I don't mean to assign blame in saying that), then you have to consider how long you can wait for it.

    It sounds like what you want is an open, honest relationship. You sound like a man who appreciates people's honest opinions, so here's (more of) mine: In being closeted, you guys have the odds stacked against you. I'm not blaming you for being closeted or pushing you to come out - you may well have very appropriate reasons for it. But in being closeted you are enacting the very shame that the world is telling you you should live under. Add to that the difficulty that men (particularly teenaged men) have in accessing and articulating their emotions, and you have one seriously shitty deal that society at large has handed you. Again, I'm not blaming you or your man, and I'm not trying to tell you you should be any different.

    What I am saying is that it's time to do exactly what you're doing: It's time to think about what to do about this situation and when to do it. If you have access to counselling it might be a good idea for you. Having someone you trust to be discreet and helpful could be a great way to work this stuff out.
     
  7. D_Sal_Manilla

    D_Sal_Manilla Account Disabled

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    i didn't have to read the whole thing to write a response. I'm telling you that as the end one of you is gonna get hurt. I know this because I was in your exact same situation but i was the youngest one. At the end one of you will want something more emotionally and the other is unwilling to give it. Also the age difference is big, specially for a kid still in high school.

    I'm sorry and believe me when I say that i understand how you feel but this will be nothing but a waste of time and heart-ache.
    if you really want to get more in dept with this I would gladly explain what happened to me. I know your just a stranger but no one would go through what i went through.
     
  8. martin60018

    martin60018 Member

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    all gay men need to go thru the pain of one break up

    rules of gay people

    1. gay life ends at 27 (after that you are officially too old)
    2. the first one never works

    3. "THE" one question to ALWAYS ask yourself and honestly answer is (are you in love with the person) or? (in love with the IDEA of BEING in LOVE)?
    re-read #3 a hundred times and seriously think about it

    it is very important to know the difference of wanting the house with white picket fence
    then find someone to "fit" into the picture
    versus wanting to spend your life with the partner wanting you.
    the house comes later

    one loves the idea of being in love,
    the other,
    loves the person and they are in love.

    simple but difficult

    #3 is universal to all people gay or str8

    pigs/str8 men want a trophy wife (young, beautifu, big tits) to show off to other pigs
    bitches/str8 women want a bread winner (rich, money, money)to show off to other bitches

    str8s have the same hard time finding true love cause they want (see above)
     
  9. DQSundae

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    There is a lot of maturing that happens between 18 and 25. You two are in different stages in life. You had time to do the "finding out who you are" thing. He needs to be able to do the same thing. Perhaps you need to do some more self exploration too.
     
  10. Hoss

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    He's 18 you're 24 so he may still be putting together the emotional maturity and courage to let the world know he's into men.
    If he loves you and you love him accept him as he is. Not everybody is into easy expressing of how they feel.
     
  11. brinzaulsschwul

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    I hate to be the party pooper, he is 18, you might very well break up. I don't know any 18 year olds that want to commit.

    Enjoy the relationship for what it is now, if it lasts a lifetime and you're both happy excellent, if not accept it and move on

    Brinz
     
  12. august86

    august86 Member

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    Tend to agree with what some have said.
    I hear two differences here. The first being emotional maturity at age 18 as compared to 24, and the other being in your ways of expressing love and affection.

    I didn't want to talk about feelings at age 18, hell I don't even want to at my current age. If someone felt the constant need to get me to indulge in an "how much do you love me" conversation, I'd probably humour them the first time, so that they can satisfied that I feel the same. Any more than that and I'd probably want to explode.

    Many people don't see the need to profess their love over and over again, because they feel that being loved is something you feel and do not have to be told. If this was no longer the case, I would probably tell you.

    Of course you are not that type. You need to be told you're loved in order to believe that you're loved, which is all good and well, but you have to understand his perspective as well.

    Lighten up with the neediness and try not to construe his lack of outward expression as a sign that he doesn't feel the same way you do, as you might end pushing him away, which you said is not your intention at all.
     
  13. Russ311

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    I just came out in August at the age of 30 and have been involved in some way with one guy since we were 15. Over that time we did our own thing yet still went to each other at the end of the day. Even after all that time it was hard for me to tell him I loved him. We did do the dating thing after we came out, but in the end it didnt work out and were better right now as friends with benefits than being "together" not to say things may change in the future. There is a big diffrence between the age of 18 and 24, we mature a lot in that short time. Just remember that you are 6 years older and have experienced more in life, he may just want to see what else is out there. Let him go out and do his thing if he wants, and if he sees that you are the one then you will end up together. But trying to tie down someone at 18 isnt really fair to him or you, there is a lot he may regret not experiencing and may blame you for it. My advice is to let him do his thing, I can understand him not expressing himself at his age, not all of us are ready for a relationship like that at 18, especially since neither of you are out of the closet too. Good luck, hope it all turns out well.
     
  14. monel

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    You all know that they broke up, right?
     
  15. Stephenmass

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    I figured that out when he said the word delete in a post. At 18 years old, I don't know if I would want a deep commitment and maybe that is where he was coming from (the 18 y/o). 7 24 unfortunately wanted more, but the 18 y/o didn't want that, at least not at the point they were at in the relationship. Sorry to hear that 7 24! You never know, if it's meant to be, he will come back.
     
  16. prism

    prism Member

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    damn, must be that deleted post

    but really, that is an age gap that will ruin relationships. i don't think i could go with someone younger than 22 and even that would be a stretch for me.
     
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