In love with a stranger hottie, what to do?

[zaynmlk1626]

there is a guy that drives me crazy, it's been over a year that i constantly bump into him in different places. i have no idea how to approach him.
the first time i met him he worked at a local bank, i used to visit that bank very often because of my work but i had never seen him, last year, when i was at that bank waiting at the queue i saw him, he is not tall or ripped or looks like a model but he is like the sexiest guy for me plus i also got a gay vibe from him. after that i tried going to the bank even more often to take a chance to talk to him. i managed to find his full name and searched him on facebook and instagram but apparently he had no social accounts! which surprised me because he is hot and younger than me, must me 24-25, and who doesn't use social media nowadays?
i asked my girl friend to go at the bank and try talking at him, at least try learning some info about him, the reason i sent her was that i had no idea if he's straight or gay and i thought that a girl's life is easier in these situations. my friend confirmed his name and he told her where he lives but didn't learn anything more, i realised he was straight though. after a while i learned he had a girlfriend in the past from people who knew him personally. i wasn't disappointed cause my ex bf had a gf before me.
the problem was i could not reach him, at the bank it was too busy to talk to him all i managed is saying a 'hello''. i could not stop thinking about him though, all i knew was his name and i had no phone number or social media to contact him.
some months passed and i when to a cafe where my friend started working when i realised this guy was also working there! i was so happy. i asked my friend to try to get his phone number. she did and after months of waiting i finally had his number. i had no idea what i should tell him. i just sent a ''hi'' and he of course was asking who am i. i said it's been months i am trying to reach you and i like you a lot. he said that he could see my photo on viber and that he is not gay and that i should stop texting him... i was deeply disappointed and embarrassed. embarrassed cause he obviously had seen me at the bank and the cafe multiple times and now he knew it was me texting him. i was trying to say i like him and then that i am a guy and then reveal my identity. i did not visit that cafe for moths and he didn't work at that bank anymore.
after a few months i did go again and he served me like nothing had happened, i could feel he felt weird serving me but he didn't say or do anything more than serving me. i was still feeling very embarrassed but also very happy seeing him again.
a few months later i still could not stop thinking about him and i decided to text him once more, i could see him online on viber and i sent a smiley. no reply. i was disappointed again...
this summer he works at another cafe and one i even was with my parents, he served us but again didn't say or do anything more... i am still thinking about him. i kinda feel he's angry when he sees me. i don't like that. i was thinking about texting him again which i know is a terrible idea, but i have no idea what to say...

what's your opinion?

 

[rd62624]

He told you that he was not interested in you. So you should stop texting him. If not you will or seem to come off as a stalker.

 

[englad]

It's a crush.

My advice is really straightforward. Delete the number, leave him alone and move on with your life.

He doesn't seem interested in the slightest and it does sound like he feels uncomfortable about the unwanted attention. That's understandable, unwanted attention is unpleasant. If you keep contacting him in that situation, it would frankly be a bit stalkerish.

Everyone gets crushes on people that aren't attracted to them from time to time. It's not a biggy, you just need to move on and look elsewhere.

 

[BillM]

 

[AlteredEgo]

I would be upset if I was him. You got his number from someone other than him, someone he didn't really know, who didn't even tell him it was for someone else. Thanks kind of bait-and-switch is creepy. It would have been smoother to have her just tell him that she had a gay friend who was interested in having his number. Then, armed with full knowledge, he could say yes or no, and end it there.

Then, you keep showing up where he works hoping to encounter him. Then you keep in touch even though he told you he was disinterested.

At this point, you jave left creepy and gone on to stalker. Let it go. Move on.

 

[zaynmlk1626]

I would be upset if I was him. You got his number from someone other than him, someone he didn't really know, who didn't even tell him it was for someone else. Thanks kind of bait-and-switch is creepy. It would have been smoother to have her just tell him that she had a gay friend who was interested in having his number. Then, armed with full knowledge, he could say yes or no, and end it there.

Then, you keep showing up where he works hoping to encounter him. Then you keep in touch even though he told you he was disinterested.

At this point, you jave left creepy and gone on to stalker. Let it go. Move on.

i think you're exaggerating a bit. i don't show up where he works, i used to go to that cafe with my friends even before he worked there. that friend doesn't know i'm gay so i had no choice. what if he is gay but in closet and got embarrassed because my friend got involved? what if all the ''i am not gay don't text me'' was because he knew i was friends with his co worker and was afraid he'd be outed? and i only texted him twice in almost 2 years! how is this creepy and stalker? i just still like him a lot and he serves me now and then that's all

 

[englad]

i think you're exaggerating a bit. i don't show up where he works, i used to go to that cafe with my friends even before he worked there. that friend doesn't know i'm gay so i had no choice. what if he is gay but in closet and got embarrassed because my friend got involved? what if all the ''i am not gay don't text me'' was because he knew i was friends with his co worker and was afraid he'd be outed? and i only texted him twice in almost 2 years! how is this creepy and stalker? i just still like him a lot and he serves me now and then that's all

Man, honestly it doesn't matter if he is being honest about his sexuality or not. It's kind of irrelevant to the situation. He doesn't sound interested at all. Even if he is gay, he's not interested in you personally.

Just let it go, you will feel happier. It also generally is never a good idea to text someone you're attracted to by getting the number off a third party. If you're attracted to someone, get the number yourself. If they say no, move on.

 

[zaynmlk1626]

ok i know i'm being stupid. maybe cause i'm single 4 years and i like him a lot. and i might be gay but i rarely like guys.

 

[AlteredEgo]

i think you're exaggerating a bit. i don't show up where he works, i used to go to that cafe with my friends even before he worked there. that friend doesn't know i'm gay so i had no choice. what if he is gay but in closet and got embarrassed because my friend got involved? what if all the ''i am not gay don't text me'' was because he knew i was friends with his co worker and was afraid he'd be outed? and i only texted him twice in almost 2 years! how is this creepy and stalker? i just still like him a lot and he serves me now and then that's all

I can see you are unable to empathize with him. That is most unfortunate.

Putting myself in his shoes, I would be very upset and uncomfortable being contacted on my cell phone by a stranger in the first place. Once I start it isn't even a conversation I want to have, and clearly express that I'm not to be contacted further, I expect to be respected. Any further contact is not only unwanted, but starting to feel like I have a stalker. If I'm civilized enough to remain professional whenever I encounter this person, the LEAST they could do would be to not contact me ever. As soon as I have said no, and further contact is made, I am being harassed at best, stalked at worst. If the person keeps showing up at my job, deliberately or not, AND they reach out to me after I have said not to, I am going to assume I have a stalker. I would print out a screen cap of the person's face, and our messages, and give them to my employer with a request for a ban or at least absolution from having to serve this person.

You are not entitled to anything from him, but you are acting like you are. Cut it out.

 

[328982]

ok i know i'm being stupid. maybe cause i'm single 4 years and i like him a lot. and i might be gay but i rarely like guys.

This is actually stalking. If you have no empathy at least exercise self control. You are also abusing the professional position he's in of having to be polite to you as a customer (in the bank/cafe) which makes it worse. He'd probably be a lot blunter in a social situation.

We've all done it probably. I was at a family wedding party a while ago, there was a guy there serving drinks who I fancied like mad. I kept catching his eye and getting vibes, I felt, and was getting up courage to ask for his number. Suddenly my sister was at my side. Stop it, she said. Just stop it. But he's giving me eye contact, I said. No, she said, he's just doing double takes because you're staring at him so hard. You're making him uncomfortable and making yourself look like an idiot. I wasn't happy to be told that but she was quite right.

 

[MisterB]

@zaynmlk1626 -- You started this thread. You specifically asked for advice; it's in your thread title "what to do". You've gotten some excellent advice. From people who don't know you. They gave you sage advice based on the info YOU provided. Period. I will second what advice you've been given. It's spot on.

The guy tells you he's not gay. That he's not interested. In YOU. When someone tells you that he/she does not wish to hear further from you, believe him. Your refusal to believe he is straight isn't the real issue here. The issue here is YOU. Someone you are interested made it very clear the attraction is not mutual. At all. That should be enough. Simply put: No means No. Time to move on.

In subsequent post #8, you state "and i might be gay but i rarely like guys." You need to seriously figure yourself out before trying to speculate about someone else's sexuality.

Oh, one more thing please. Your OP was tedious to read. Paragraphs are your friend.

 

[zaynmlk1626]

i did not expect that i would get such harsh comments by posting my story. ok i get your point, i should leave him alone, some kindness in your replies wouldn't hurt. i already knew i should leave him alone, i just wanted to share my story and listen to your opinions, i respect your opinions but maybe you should try be nicer to some stranger who shares his story with you. you guys made me felt like i am a criminal or something.

@Mister B this might sock you but some people are not born in The States and also some people's mother language is not english, if my post is ''tedious'' don't read it and don't reply.

thanks

 

[328982]

i did not expect that i would get such harsh comments by posting my story. ok i get your point, i should leave him alone, some kindness in your replies wouldn't hurt. i already knew i should leave him alone, i just wanted to share my story and listen to your opinions, i respect your opinions but maybe you should try be nicer to some stranger who shares his story with you. you guys made me felt like i am a criminal or something.

@Mister B this might sock you but some people are not born in The States and also some people's mother language is not english, if my post is ''tedious'' don't read it and don't reply.

thanks

Yeah, sorry. If I was harsh I guess it's because I recognise the same tendency in myself and it's something that can easily take hold if you don't ‘snap out' of it.

 

[englad]

i did not expect that i would get such harsh comments by posting my story. ok i get your point, i should leave him alone, some kindness in your replies wouldn't hurt. i already knew i should leave him alone, i just wanted to share my story and listen to your opinions, i respect your opinions but maybe you should try be nicer to some stranger who shares his story with you. you guys made me felt like i am a criminal or something.

@Mister B this might sock you but some people are not born in The States and also some people's mother language is not english, if my post is ''tedious'' don't read it and don't reply.

thanks

I don't consider any of our responses to have been nasty, and that certainly wasn't the intent at least. We're being frank in this situation. Essentially that it isn't a healthy crush, you need to respect someone's wishes when they say they aren't interested and try to see it from his perspective. Just treat the responses like a bucket of cold water to the face, perhaps a bit uncomfortable initially but it is bringing you back to your senses. Because it can't go anywhere positive for you either.

And honestly the quickest way to forget about someone is to get back out there and start talking to new guys that have some potential for you where the attraction is mutual.

Btw, I do speak a few languages and I do post in more than one language online, including ones that are not my mother tongue. I always try to break up longer posts into paragraphs, it simply makes posts easier to read. That's what @MisterB was getting at. Your English skills are clearly very good, there's absolutely no issue there.

 

[tnecvolfan2001]

ok I love being positive about situations like this-I have met people before who I've crushed on early-and if I wanted a friendship out of it I would be a friend -either they would just not ever catch on and I would move on-or they would be grateful someone would want to be their friend and respond in kind. Obviously that's how you should have handled the situation from the beginning but you did not and even tho you may not have intended to come on too strong you did and there's nothing you can do except next time you meet someone that you know will be at least an acquaintance - approach them with the intent on being a friend -everybody loves a friend

 

[MisterB]

@Mister B this might sock you but some people are not born in The States and also some people's mother language is not english, if my post is ''tedious'' don't read it and don't reply.

@englad explained it perfectly. I had no issues whatsoever with the words you typed. I followed your story and understood what you wrote. Your English is fine. My reply was based on what you wrote in your post. Not how.

English is my first language, and I can assure you I don't always get my mother tongue right!

Your OP was tedious to read. Paragraphs are your friend.

Context of my comment is important. What I found tedious was reading through one continued long paragraph. This is the how. You are not the first person here to be called out on that. Breaking up posts of more than a few lines into separate paragraphs makes it easier for the reader.

i respect your opinions but maybe you should try be nicer to some stranger who shares his story with you. you guys made me felt like i am a criminal or something.

And I respect that you put yourself out there; it takes quite a man to be so vulnerable, especially among a bunch of unknown Internet chatters. Don't forget--You asked what to do; I, along with several others, gave you an opinion. How you choose to feel is just that, how YOU feel.

Regardless of this, I wish you nothing but happiness in your quest for love. You'll likely kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince. Don't give up--he's out there!

 

[rtg]

I can see you are unable to empathize with him. That is most unfortunate.

Putting myself in his shoes, I would be very upset and uncomfortable being contacted on my cell phone by a stranger in the first place. Once I start it isn't even a conversation I want to have, and clearly express that I'm not to be contacted further, I expect to be respected. Any further contact is not only unwanted, but starting to feel like I have a stalker. If I'm civilized enough to remain professional whenever I encounter this person, the LEAST they could do would be to not contact me ever. As soon as I have said no, and further contact is made, I am being harassed at best, stalked at worst. If the person keeps showing up at my job, deliberately or not, AND they reach out to me after I have said not to, I am going to assume I have a stalker. I would print out a screen cap of the person's face, and our messages, and give them to my employer with a request for a ban or at least absolution from having to serve this person.

You are not entitled to anything from him, but you are acting like you are. Cut it out.

As usual, AE said this better than what I could have.

What you are doing and have done is creepy. I remember doing that shit when I was still in high school because I didn’t know better and cringe now thinking about it.

When I was 19/20 and used to work in retail in a bottle shop this guy always came in chatting me up and one day asked for my number (I said no) and it was so uncomfortable. I hated seeing him. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I saw him at other places he knew I’d be and then pulled a sly move to get my number. What you’re doing is next level creepy and borderline stalking.

Furthermore, not everyone uses social media. I rarely use it and also don’t use my full name as I don’t want people I don’t know trying to find me.

You don’t love this guy. You don’t even know him. My advice is to grow up, move on and focus your energy into something healthy.

 

[nailz]

Gay man hires a woman to get a straight man's phone number so that he can try to seduce him.
How could that possibly go wrong?