In love with best friend...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by italiana_69, May 31, 2008.

  1. italiana_69

    italiana_69 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2008
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi let me just introduce myself

    Contrary to what my name might seem I am actually a guy and not a girl! I don't know why I chose this name it just kinda popped into my head lol. Anyway i'm 18/m/uk and have basically just about fallen in love with one of my best friends of 5 years. We've been at high school together and now in our last year i've started to get emotions and feelings about him that i've never had before. I wouldn't say i'm bi/gay/whatever I kinda just follow what i'm attracted to most of the time its girls....I have been attracted to guys before but I kinda just let it pass because I can't really be bothred to 'come out' or anything especially at this age and especially being at high school.


    Anyway as far as my friend is concerned...i've always thought he was reli attractive but only in a kind of objective way - now obviously its different. Its pretty hard because at school we kinda move in different circles because we do different stuff but we are reli good friends nonetheless which makes these emotions harder. Since we move in different circles I get reli jealous and when we're in bg groups of people he starts really pissing me off coz he's got quite a 'lad' attitude and I usually just randomly insult him or try to humiliate him infront of large groups of people, which usually results in him, at the end of the day, being really fed up with me and complaining that i am in a bad mood and then a general argument starts.
    Also generally people at my school are quite homoerotic and its not a weird thing for friends just to like lie on top of you or with you on a sofa or something in the common room (lol i guess that sounds weird but it reli isn't) and now if he does something like that I get reli frigid and usually get up and leave so he probably thinks I am a complete dick.
    But then there are other times (one comes to mind when he was showing me his calf muscles which he did by taking off his trousers and hoising his boxers so they just covered his cock) where I have no idea which way to look! I really don't know what to do I'm kinda new to this love thing especially to a guy and especially to a best friend! We'll be leaving school in a few weeks time and he, like myself isn't going off to uni straight away and is taking a gap year -- also like me he doesn't have any plans yet and I did say something like we should go travelling together (albeit in a text) but he never replied and I don't want to ask him in person incase he says no or that he's got other plans -- I was hoping if we went travelling together something might happen lol!

    I don't really know that much about his sexuality. All I know is that he is rediculously good looking but has had hardly any action and is one of the last guys in the school to loose his virginity but I put this down to his shyness rather than anything else. He once complained to me about not being turned on by his girlf and I said (jokingly) 'hah maybe ur gay!' and he said (jokingly) 'yea maybe!'.

    I don't really know what to do, he has been known to randomly make out with boys when rediculously drunk (but again that isn't that much of a weird thing in our circles) and i've seen him in such situations were it would've been a possibility but felt too guilty to use him like that. I think our friendship is too good a thing to lose if I were to suddenly come clean to him, and besides I don't know what he would do with the information he could really humilliate me (though obviously he wouldn't).
     
  2. unabear09

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2007
    Messages:
    7,083
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Little Rock, AR
    welcome to the site!
     
  3. italiana_69

    italiana_69 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2008
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    lol thanks
     
  4. Rubenesque

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,708
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Unrequited love is the worst thing about being young.

    It's really tough, but I think you should just try and get on with being his friend. And by the way, it's great that you chose not to take advantage when he was drunk, that would almost definitely have ruined your friendship.

    Try not to be different around him, he's your friend and he liked the you you were before you noticed your changing feelings.

    Perhaps, one day, when he's moaning about not getting any action, you can tell him you're not either, and that if the drought continues you might have to resort to shagging him... say it as a joke, you just never know what he might say.

    Regardless of what happens though.. don't let it eat away at you.

    Good luck xxxxx
     
  5. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,031
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Easier said than done!
     
  6. sykray

    sykray Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2005
    Messages:
    732
    Likes Received:
    104
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chon Buri (TH)
    I really do know the feeling and having to keep someone at a distance in case I lose control and say or do something that I may later regret.
    First of all, it is normal to love the guy - to want to be close to him, hold him, show affection. I assume that you are wanting more of a sexual relationship with him.
    Your negative and rejecting behaviour may have already damaged your relationship. You are not behaving as a best friend to him. He is not going to feel comfortable about spending a long time in your company travelling. He is likely to think that you will insult him or be grumpy with him.
    If you really are best friends then I would suggest that you are honest with him. You could tell him that you love him so much that it is scary for you. If you don't already know you could indirectly ask him about his views on gays. Like, what he thinks of gay marriage or how he would feel if a guy told him that he was in love with him.
    It seems to me that you can't continue to play it cool and just remain friends. In which case, you are likely to lose his friendship anyway. Don't become clingy and needy but just talk about the way you feel.
     
  7. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    10,576
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Warwick, NY, USA
    Agree with this. Time to step-up and take a risk. Just talk to him about everything and see what he says. It will be scary but you'll feel a lot better afterwards.
     
  8. sam_solo26

    sam_solo26 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2008
    Messages:
    494
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    267
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Far Corner of the Universe
    I swear to god, this sounds like some kinda teen movie (not that there's anything wrong with that). From the information you've selected for us, it sounds like you haven't been a very good friend. If you don't want to lose him as a friend (which is what might happen after HS as is the case with many friendships), you have to at least apologize for your behavior. If he asks why, then you'll have to choose whether or not you want to tell him about your man-crush. Honestly though, from what you've stated (which is limited, mind you), he sounds a little bi-curious at least. With that in mind, it sounds like you wouldn't lose him as a friend if you told about how you feel. I'd just get it over with, but that's me. You may want to wait until after HS. Hope you choose the best path for you and your friend. Peace.
     
  9. chrisj428

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2004
    Messages:
    735
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    27
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Vernon Hills, IL
    Verified:
    Photo
    Hoo boy.

    Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (it didn't end well).

    I understand completely the passive aggressive flirty-flirty bits -- you want to be with him, but you want to maintain the upper hand so, should it come to it, he isn't the one who hurts you (and/or maybe create a self-fulfilling prophecy).

    The only advice I can give is this -- if you're completely prepared for him to tell you he's not interested in you, then you should go ahead & tell him of your feelings.

    One of three things will happen: he'll respond in kind and then it's "waahey!", he'll tell you he's not interested but still wants to be your friend and then it's time for you to go buy some more porn and find another object for your desire whilst keeping him as a friend, or he'll react negatively in which case he really wasn't a friend to begin with.

    It's not easy, mate...not at all. I always seem to attract the confused ones, personally -- I'm sure it's some personality flaw on my part which keeps me from going with the "sure thing" because I'm scared somewhere to be true to myself. All I can do is wish you the best of luck.
     
  10. streetdoc

    streetdoc New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2008
    Messages:
    27
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    You're 18 and just becoming an adult. If you are the typical 18 y/o (Don't worry. It's ok. The rest of us were too at one time) then what lies ahead in life seems very remote. Let me tell you how this present situation will affect you in the future. You said this is the first time you've felt this way. This may or may not be the only time in your life that you experience this strong feeling for another guy. That may seem irrelevent to your present situation, but I and many others on this site can tell you it is in fact very relevent to your future happiness. In order for us to live happy, fullfilled lives, it is very important for us to be true to ourselves. Live as you are; not as you think others would have you. If you choose not to act on what you're feeling right now, you will have initiated a pattern of self denial that may cause you a lot of pain in the future. But conversely, if you act on it now, it may cause you a lot of joy and love in the present. If nothing else it will answer your questions and relieve that knott in your stomach. My advice to you is the same as previous posts. You need to share what you're feeling with your friend. How to do that is up to you. I sense a lot of fear in your post as to how he will react. That's very legit. But trust me and the others here. If you don't take a chance, you'll still be regretting it years from now, and you will have established that pattern I mentioned. I suggest that you pick a time when you and he are alone with absolutely no chance of being disturbed. Keep your emotions in check while talking with him. No gushing about how totally in love with him you are and you can't live without him. Just give him the facts. If he has similar feelings he may respond favorably immediately. If he does not have those feelings for you, he will tell you. You must be prepared for that possibility. A third possibility is that he may need some time to consider what you've told him and assess his own feelings. If so, then give him that time without any hounding from you. If you feel that you can't keep a rein on your emotions while you are telling him how you feel, then my suggestion would be for you to let him read your post here, while you sit quietly or busy yourself with something else until he has read it once or twice. Then you can ask him how he feels about it and let things develop from there. Your post says it all and will give him all the info he needs. One final thought. As a previous post stated. If he is a true friend now; he will still be a true friend after. Irregardless of whether he shares the same feelings for you. Good luck!!
     
    #10 streetdoc, Jun 1, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2008
  11. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    If you fall in love with a best friend, would you be able to feel great about him seriously disappointing you? OR the other way around, you disappointing him?

    I couldn't fall in love with a best friend. When you love someone as a best friend and a lover, you set yourself up to be vulnerable to disappointment.
    I don't think that I could handle falling in love with a best friend.
     
  12. 8060

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2008
    Messages:
    1,363
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1,026
    Location:
    The Midwest
    Verified:
    Photo
    Hey, guy,

    Where do you go to high school that you get to lay all over each other on the grounds of the school in homoerotic positions and everything? My high school wasn’t anything like that. I would’ve loved to have to school where you do.
    What was the same about the kind of high school that I attended was the mentality about homosexuality. I felt it was less stressful not come out until I was out of school unless I was dealing with a real mature mind about myself then that was cool. If you’ve been best friends with this ridiculously gorgeous guy for 5 years, now in love with him, you need to apologize to him about trippin’ on him when you do & don’t care about when he trips on you. That’s your friend. You both know how each other is. Use that to your advantage. If you move in different circles, then do that. Don’t let blendin’ together with everybody else fuck up the ways you are with each other. Maintain your friendship. Find a way a schedule some alone time with him and get inside of his head and find out what he would think about you loving him and vice versa. Have you braced yourself losing your friend if his feelings aren’t returned? That’s just a worst case scenario.

    I wasn’t really in love with anybody in high school. I mean I had a million friends from kindergarten and all the way up. So many of those people go fall out of your life as it goes on. It’s like the not being bothered thing that you mentioned. Some were cute. Some were fine and beautiful…but in love with. Unh uh. That’s so sad, LOL. I’m happy that you’re in love with your best friend. I think sometimes how awesome it would have been to have had a boyfriend back when I was in high school even if not in broad daylight and it makes me smile. Ahh, well. I say if you’re in love, then go after him. Approach him with your words and your actions wrapped in kindness and sincerity and your story will either have a happy ending or be the greatest intro the world has ever read. Peace.
     
  13. _Auron_

    _Auron_ Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2008
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas, TX
    I fell in love with my best friend in high school, and he's homophobic. He already knew I was gay before I told him I was in love with him, but what I did was stupid, and tried to tell him that he was gay too. (I had a lot of basis for saying that, and I wasn't the only want to think he's gay, but I cracked out friendship). We had our ups and downs, we had the periods of 5-6 months where he refused to talk to me. 2 years later, we watched a movie the other day and he's borrowing my playstation portable; go figure.

    Honestly though I think I'm just lucky. We both did and said stupid shit to each other, and in the end we ended up forgiving each other and moved on. The same might not happen to you though, so just.. be careful. Right now my friendship with him is a secret to his parents and a secret to his girlfriend, and from what I know he currently just hates his girlfriend. Which is funny, considering a year ago he kept telling me all the things they've done, which as a gay guy I don't really have interest in.. heh.

    Just be careful, and for god's sake be respectful. He's your best friend, don't ruin that.
     
  14. quintin

    quintin New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2006
    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    0
    there's a difference between loving your best friend, and being in love with your best friend. if it's the latter, then you know what to do.
    he's been your friend for 5 years so something this minute probably wouldn't end that. besides, you'll drive yourself crazy if you keep this bottled up inside, always wondering, "what could have been..."
     
  15. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2007
    Messages:
    5,008
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles, California
    Well I know this one can be rough because I've been in love with my best male friend since we were both 14. We both feel the same about each other but have been involved with girls also. For us it's worked out in that we don't need to be around each other 24/7. I know I'm still working on these issues so it hasn't been resolved yet. I can't see myself having him for a partner though because I want to have a family with a woman. All the best to you.
     
  16. distillers<3222

    distillers<3222 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2007
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Arixona
    I really really relate, I've been in love with one of my friends for a good two years now. She moved and now has a girlfriend and it drives me crazy. I just want to find someone who will love me like I love them
     
Draft saved Draft deleted