In Love With My Best Friend And Not Sure What To Do

Boston484

Cherished Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 5, 2017
Posts
192
Media
6
Likes
481
Points
233
Location
Boston (Massachusetts, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Here’s the deal:

  • I’m in a relationship of 5 years. I love him, but I don’t think I’m IN LOVE with him.
  • I have a crush on my best friend, whom I work with.
  • He has a boyfriend that he’s very committed to.
  • His boyfriend is insanely jealous, and told me that I’m the only other person he texts all the time.
  • My read is that he really values our friendship, but isn’t interested. He’s definitely sent mixed signals, but I don’t know how much of it is me reading into things.
  • I thought I could compartmentalize my feelings.
  • He and I are on a trip to Europe together, and it’s been WAY harder than I thought…to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to be able to just be his friend. I’m seriously considering telling him how I feel.
  • If I don’t tell him how I feel, I’ll always wonder “what if?” And maybe go crazy from the angst.
  • If I do tell him how I feel, he could tell his BF who may tell mine…I don’t know if he’d keep it from his BF.
  • If I do tell him it might also help me get over him, or at least put some space between us without him thinking I’m giving him the cold shoulder for some reason.
  • I don’t think he would be likely to end our friendship, but it would definitely change things…and maybe complicate work (but probably not, he’s super mature). We talked about a previous friend he had who had a crush on him that he wasn’t into, so I know he’s been okay with something similar before
This whole situation is torture. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
 

Boston484

Cherished Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 5, 2017
Posts
192
Media
6
Likes
481
Points
233
Location
Boston (Massachusetts, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Here’s the deal:
  • I’m in a relationship of 5 years. I love him, but I don’t think I’m IN LOVE with him.
  • I have a crush on my best friend, whom I work with.
  • He has a boyfriend that he’s very committed to.
  • His boyfriend is insanely jealous, and told me that I’m the only other person he texts all the time.
  • My read is that he really values our friendship, but isn’t interested. He’s definitely sent mixed signals, but I don’t know how much of it is me reading into things.
  • I thought I could compartmentalize my feelings.
  • He and I are on a trip to Europe together, and it’s been WAY harder than I thought…to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to be able to just be his friend. I’m seriously considering telling him how I feel.
  • If I don’t tell him how I feel, I’ll always wonder “what if?” And maybe go crazy from the angst.
  • If I do tell him how I feel, he could tell his BF who may tell mine…I don’t know if he’d keep it from his BF.
  • If I do tell him it might also help me get over him, or at least put some space between us without him thinking I’m giving him the cold shoulder for some reason.
  • I don’t think he would be likely to end our friendship, but it would definitely change things…and maybe complicate work (but probably not, he’s super mature). We talked about a previous friend he had who had a crush on him that he wasn’t into, so I know he’s been okay with something similar before
This whole situation is torture. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
 

french_toast

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Posts
1,487
Media
6
Likes
2,812
Points
258
Age
32
Location
France
Verification
View
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
I've never been in a similar situation, so my input doesn't come with real-life experience. It's just gonna be my thoughts after reading your message.
  1. I'm sure you've already given it a lot of thought, but REALLY take the time to weigh your "options" and consider what you might be giving up on if you tried to change anything in your relationships at the moment. This guy is your best friend, but would he also be a good boyfriend, a good partner, someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?
  2. Your boyfriend seems like an afterthought in this situation. You're only worried that he might learn about it after you discuss things with your best friend. So in a scenario where your bestie also loves you you'd dump your current partner, but if that scenario doesn't happen you'll keep him as a backup?
  3. If this is as serious as you think it is and you're really considering telling your friend about it, then you should first talk about it with your partner of 5 years. You owe him that much, and no one deserves to be kept around as a plan B just in case things don't go your way with plan A. But yeah, if it's that serious, then go for it. We only got one life, and we might as well try to live it to the fullest.
To sum it up, if you really think the potential gain outweighs the potential loss, do it. But be a good person and do it the right way.

Edit: by the way, why create the same topic 3 times in different forums?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Boston484

Boston484

Cherished Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 5, 2017
Posts
192
Media
6
Likes
481
Points
233
Location
Boston (Massachusetts, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I've never been in a similar situation, so my input doesn't come with real-life experience. It's just gonna be my thoughts after reading your message.
  1. I'm sure you've already given it a lot of thought, but REALLY take the time to weigh your "options" and consider what you might be giving up on if you tried to change anything in your relationships at the moment. This guy is your best friend, but would he also be a good boyfriend, a good partner, someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?
  2. Your boyfriend seems like an afterthought in this situation. You're only worried that he might learn about it after you discuss things with your best friend. So in a scenario where your bestie also loves you you'd dump your current partner, but if that scenario doesn't happen you'll keep him as a backup?
  3. If this is as serious as you think it is and you're really considering telling your friend about it, then you should first talk about it with your partner of 5 years. You owe him that much, and no one deserves to be kept around as a plan B just in case things don't go your way with plan A. But yeah, if it's that serious, then go for it. We only got one life, and we might as well try to live it to the fullest.
To sum it up, if you really think the potential gain outweighs the potential loss, do it. But be a good person and do it the right way.

Edit: by the way, why create the same topic 3 times in different forums?

Thanks for taking the time to reply French toast. I won’t reply to each bullet, but suffice it to say your advice is solid and much appreciated. Regarding your final question, did that because I wanted to increase my chances of getting a response. My trip continues tomorrow (he’s leaving France but I’m staying for a few more days before going on to London) and I’ve been debating whether or not to say something before he goes. That probably wont happen based on your advice though.
 

cantaloupe

Expert Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2016
Posts
135
Media
0
Likes
210
Points
133
Location
Germany
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I would tell him after the trip. Don't ruin the trip or make it weird if possible. You have to get it out of your system. It doesn't have to have a dramatic ending even if he doesn't feel the same. You can ask him to be discrete about such a delicate matter. You have been faithful and just developed feelings for someone else, which can be cultivated or not. You're not impulsive. So while it's a hard situation, you are doing everything right.

Your feelings can eventually cool off and then you can be good friends again. Or maybe this is the start of something new. I hope it goes well, however you decide to proceed.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Boston484
D

deleted1386282

Guest
It sucks to be in this kind of situation, I feel for you. Here are some things I think you need to consider.

If you aren't in love with your current boyfriend, you should probably end it regardless of what happens with your best friend. It's not fair to keep him around as a fail safe, you won't be happy and you're ultimately lying to him by not being honest about your feelings surrounding the state of your relationship.

If your friend is as comitted to his boyfriend as you believe, is telling him going to actually achieve anything? I understand your desire to tell him how you feel just to find out, but realistically you have to weigh the odds. Perhaps speak with him and see if you can find out if he is happy with his current relationship before you consider telling him about your feelings. If he is, I would steer clear.

If you do tell him, and it doesn't go your way, you need to be prepared for some fall out. Could you deal with that? He may well tell his bf, and that in itself could put strain on your relationship with him even if it's indirectly if he feels the need to reassure his bf that he is still comitted to him, he may put some distance between you for a while. Or, he may resent having to keep it from his boyfriend..He might not thank you for telling him. You may also need to consider that this COULD seriously impact your professional life. (Hopefully not, but it is something to bear in mind)

Ultimately I agree with French Toast. I'm sure you've spent A LOT of your time thinking about this, and if you really feel it's something you need closure on, have that conversation. Make it clear that you understand the dynamics of the situation and pick your moment wisely. If he is as good a friend as he appears, even if it doesn't go your way, hopefully it won't change things too much.

It's an awful situation to be in, I hope that whatever you decide, it works out for you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Boston484

purepilot73

Admired Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 26, 2017
Posts
270
Media
1
Likes
999
Points
313
Location
Enterprise (Alabama, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
That’s a tough one. Have you tried steering the conversation to talk about his relationship with his bf? It may be a good way to tell how committed he is. Maybe share that you love your boyfriend but sometimes wonder if he is actually the one.
I think that would be better than dropping the bombshell of how you feel on him.
 

halcyondays

Worshipped Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Posts
6,359
Media
2
Likes
10,358
Points
158
Location
US
Sexuality
80% Straight, 20% Gay
Gender
Male
How long have you been crushing on him? A few months? Just this trip? If it's recent I'd say let it go. Give yourself time to see if the short term intensity dies down.

If it's a long-term crush it's your call. You understand the risks.

I keep best friends and close friends platonic. No matter how excruciating it may be it's more important for me not to change the dynamic. The intensity of my crush usually dies down.

I have lost close friends who crushed on me and drifted away when I didn't reciprocate. I understood their need to separate themselves but it made me sad. Made me feel bad, too, to be the object of unrequited love. I don't want anyone to suffer that kind of torture on my account but there's nothing I could do. Cupid's arrow struck them not me.

Good luck! :)
 

Boston484

Cherished Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 5, 2017
Posts
192
Media
6
Likes
481
Points
233
Location
Boston (Massachusetts, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
When did I start crushing on him? The day I set eyes on him 2 years ago (though that was superficial. It’s since gotten much deeper as we’ve gotten to know each other.)

We had long conversation tonight that was both VERY candid and also somewhat veiled. I was able to say to him what I needed to say without actually saying it…if that made sense. And I heard from him what I needed to hear to get closure. Based on the content of our conversation it DEFINITELY seems like it brought us closer together as friends…more than friends, just not romantically…but I won’t know until tomorrow when we both wake up sober. Assuming all is well in the morning, I think I’ll be in a place where I can keep him in my life as my best friend—non-romantically—without living in a constant state of angst. Thanks for all the advice and feedback guys
 
  • Like
Reactions: cantaloupe
D

deleted1386282

Guest
We had long conversation tonight that was both VERY candid and also somewhat veiled. I was able to say to him what I needed to say without actually saying it…if that made sense. And I heard from him what I needed to hear to get closure. Based on the content of our conversation it DEFINITELY seems like it brought us closer together as friends…more than friends, just not romantically…but I won’t know until tomorrow when we both wake up sober. Assuming all is well in the morning, I think I’ll be in a place where I can keep him in my life as my best friend—non-romantically—without living in a constant state of angst. Thanks for all the advice and feedback guys

That's good to hear. I'm glad you got what you needed from the conversation. Kudos to you for diving in, can't have been easy! Hope all continues to go well for you both, it seems like you handled it well!