In need of advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Cannibal Lecter, Jun 10, 2006.

  1. Cannibal Lecter

    Joined:
    May 10, 2006
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    So this is going to be a long one and I'll sum it up as quickly as possible, but here goes.

    About two years ago my best friend at the time (I had known the guy for over ten years, we first met when we were 10) came on to me. I had known he was bisexual and had no problem with it whatsoever, then one day I get this e-mail from him basically saying he is attracted to me and so on. I was not interested whatsoever, I'm just not into guys, and I was diplomatic about the whole thing, just wanted to forget about it and ignore the elephant in the living room so to speak. A few days later he and I were hanging out and apparently it was still on his mind and he starts begging me to let him suck my dick and how he'll make me cum and how much he loves my big dick and so on. I was completely horrified. I am a very prudish person in general and frankly it was bad form what he did. I didn't know how to react, I wasn't going to call him a faggot and kick his ass, I just don't think like that. I just got up, left the house and got in my car and drove away, all the while he is begging me to fuck him and let him suck me off.

    Well it was pretty much impossible to not hang out with him. We shared a lot of the same friends, went to a lot of the same restaurants/clubs etc and it was impossible for me not to run into him. I still thought of him as a "friend", but I felt very betrayed. I've known him since I was 10, how long was he thinking about sleeping with me? It creeped me out. So we still hung out, none of our friends in common had any idea what had happened between us.

    I eventually joined the military less than a year later, I just had to get away from all the bullshit, and I never really said "bye" to him. Basically I told all my friends that I was leaving a few weeks later than when I actually was, in effect I just vanished. I've been gone from home now for a couple of years and haven't spoken with this person since I've been gone. When I was home on leave before I kept running into people that the both of us knew and they were all like, "yeah he's really been wondering about you, you should give him a call and hang out, or we're having a party you should come by, so and so will be there" and basically I have to blow all of them off because they don't know what happened between us.

    Now I'm going home on leave very soon and I don't really know what I should do. I really miss hanging out with some of these people but I can't really hang out with them without seeing my "friend". Then at the same time I really miss the friendship I had with this person, but I also felt very, very hurt by what he did and very betrayed. The chances of me running into him or other people we have in common is very good when I'm home on leave, I just don't know what I should do. I really do miss hanging out with a lot of them, also I ask myself if my feelings towards the actions of my "friend" are unreasonable. I really don't know. Any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated, I need some different perspectives on this. Thanks.
     
  2. yhtang

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2006
    Messages:
    1,565
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    170
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    South East Asia
    Hmm, this is not a pretty situation to be in.

    Perhaps you might wish to go meet up with all your friends when you are back home on leave. It is possible that you might bump into your childhood friend. It is also possible that, after this period of separation, your childhood friend had come to his senses and would respect your sexuality.

    I accept the fact that you felt betrayed (or perhaps used) by your childhood friend. I can't help but wonder if your childhood friend thought you were the one he could trust to reveal his sexual inclination.

    Just my two cents. Hope everything works out for you.
     
  3. SomeGuyOverThere

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2004
    Messages:
    1,496
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Tough one.

    I think that you should try and see them all again, but it sounds like it's probably best if you see them all together, maybe at a party or something? And try to avoid seeing this guy on his own - as it sounds very much like he wouldn't start coming on to you infront of everyone else.

    I don't think you've done the right thing in this matter, but from what I can see, it was perhaps the "least wrong" to just vanish off to the military, and probably the best for you.

    However, it also sounds like now is the time to confront the monsters under the bed, or you'll forever be on the run from your own friends. Also I think you should see them all including this particular guy, and I would hazard a guess that this period of separation has given him a cooldown time, perhaps he is over it, or perhaps he can control himself a bit better, but if he starts it again, I think you'll need to let him know how you feel about the situation - if he can't handle that, you may well have to sevre the friendship, but in doing so you would have tolet other people know what happened, or you may end up the villan of the story rather than the victim.
     
  4. rhino_horn

    rhino_horn New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2006
    Messages:
    350
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast-usa
    first off, u shud understand what adult sexual urges are like. i gotta give ur friend props for approaching u the way he did, and not just raping u. if he's ur best friend, u shud make clear to him that ur not interested in sex and that these feelings may ruin a friendship that ud prefer to keep.

    also, secrets are annoying and rarely do any good, u shud make it open for everyone to see...ur friends may be able to help u on a more intimate level.
     
  5. SomeGuyOverThere

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2004
    Messages:
    1,496
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Or it may destroy the guy socially.
     
  6. rhino_horn

    rhino_horn New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2006
    Messages:
    350
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    east coast-usa
    better now than later...
     
  7. allmale

    allmale Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2005
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't envy your situation. Of course you feel betrayed, I would imagine most
    of us would feel the same. DON'T go blabbing to all of your friends what happened, it's really none of their business, and most probably would not want to know. Initimate details are only between the very closest of confidants, and the
    web!! Avoid him if possible, if you are in a situation where you can't then don't
    talk to him much.....your friends will surmise that something happened on their own or will surmise that you guys just grew apart (and that can happen). Keep your dignity and rise above the grease.
    I'd lay real low while on leave, two years is really not too long. The situation needs
    more time and it will all work itself out.
    Best of luck to you.
     
  8. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    161
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Cannibal, I understand how you felt betrayed by him. The way he approached you sounds pretty aggressive and unrelenting. Obviously he'll need to get over that and change his behavior completely. It's one thing to tell someone you're attracted to them, and another to pursue it after someone says 'no thanks'.

    But his actions aside, I agree with rhino horn that in terms of the feelings that he has, you'll have to get over that part. When you're attracted to somebody, you just are. You can lie or keep it hidden if you want to, for whatever good that does. But he chose to be honest. I'm sure you've been attracted to women who weren't interested in you, maybe even some friends. You wouldn't want them to freak out just because they found out how you felt.

    Sounds like you can't avoid him forever, and you may want to tell him directly that nothing's ever going to happen and he can't try again. I think he'll accept that, but if he doesn't, write back and we'll give you some more advice, ha ha.

    BTW - your profile says 10% gay. Your post makes it sound like that's not true?
     
  9. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    This is a key point. Attraction can be as controlled as orientation--it just IS (that is, it can NOT bve controlled). People either like someone/something or they don't.

    Be clear that he can be attracted to you and that is okay (as long as he does not continue to pursue you). Be extremely firm and clear that nothing will happen (from your end) and for YOU to be comfortable, you need him to understand and be okay with that fact.

    Reassure him that you are not rejecting him as much as his advances which , for you, would be unwelcome from any man. It is important that he not walk away from your friendship feeling as if he should have never lot you know he is bi/gay--this is not about that trust level. It is something different.
     
  10. Cannibal Lecter

    Joined:
    May 10, 2006
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Well, I pretty much can avoid him forever if I really wanted to, being in the military I move around constantly. I really go back home only because I have so much love for my home state, city and I like to visit my family and various friends that weren't really involved in this whole debacle. Its just that I do miss the friendship of all of these people from time to time, even him really. Like I said he was my best friend since I was 10 years old.

    I think all of my old friends have more or less figured out that something transpired between us to alter our friendship. He and I were always hanging out together then all of a sudden I leave unexpectedly and don't really talk to him anymore? I think they put two and two together though they have no idea what happened.

    As to whether or not I really give a damn what any of these people think about me, I don't care. Frankly I've started a new life for myself in the military and to be honest I don't really care much about the opinion of civilans. If you're not in my chain of command, a co-worker or a superior I really don't care what people think about me.

    It does get lonely in the military though, especially since you move around constantly no one really knows you. I miss the familiarity of old friends and this whole episode has put several friendships I've had on hold. To make things worse this person's brother was a very, very good friend of mine, a really good friend and I especially miss hanging out with him. They are all good people really, even my old buddy who came onto me.

    By the way, the 10% gay thing. I can appreciate a good looking guy and am pretty comfortable with the fact that people are going to be attracted to whomever they are (unlike the vast majority of rednecks who wish the world was "queer" free) plus I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that I get hit on by lots of gay guys and feel a little flattered by it. Plus whenver I look at porn I like to see really big dicks on good looking guys, so that's what the whole 10% thing is about.
     
  11. kurios

    kurios Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2003
    Messages:
    978
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    You are avoiding dealing with an uncomfortable issue at the cost of missing out on interaction with your friends and this guy.
    Why not go and see him and tell him exactly how you feel and the extent that you have needed to go to avoid a repeat suck-fuck plea.
    You miss him as a friend and though you appreciate his honesty you were very hurt by his pressure to do what is of no interest to you. You would like to remain friends and hang out but that there must never be a repeat of the incident that upset you so much.
    You can also mention that it has meant sacrificing your other friends.

    He may already understand more than you know and be very remorse.
    Give yourselves a chance to get past an unfortunate lack of sensitivity and re-open the interaction with your other friends.
    If he is still on the suck-fuck campaign then tell him you cant be friends but dont cut off your other buddies.
     
  12. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2006
    Messages:
    1,222
    Likes Received:
    374
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Penisland
    Send him an email (create a yahoo account or something for this purpose) and try and explain how you feel (as you have here) before you put yourself in a situation where you might meet him. Tell him you love him in your own way and still miss the friendship when things were good. I'd give him that one chance to see how he handles things. He may feel remorseful and need your forgiveness. He may have been going through a bad patch and been obsessing about you to avoid dealing with real life, for whatever reason. Gay friends are fun and special, disrespectful people need to be told the truth about how you feel. He may need your support to handle issues in his life.

    If he is still disrespectful to you then that friendship is gone. Don't end up regretting not making an effort. Try and be compassionate to him but don't put yourself in a dangerous position in the process. I wish you well.
     
  13. CUBE

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2005
    Messages:
    7,331
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,175
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The OC
    If this is a person you value and want in your life then get together face to face and work it out. I don't think he betrayed you...I think he fell in love/crushed on a person he cared for and cared for him. Good grief, the guy didn't steal from you. He lost sleep his entire adult life before you left wrestling with the guilt of not knowing how to define you. OK he threw himself on you and you weren't interested. It is possible he isn't in that place anymore?

    I don't think you need to discuss this with anyone. Supporting each other in finding the right person as a partner is important for straight and gay friendships. He shouldn't have to grovel in apology either...let it go.

    I think you really want to know this person because it has been on your mind for some time. The potential for greatness is in your hands. I actually find this situation rather heartbreaking. I hope it works out for both of you.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted