In the Friend Zone?

mppc19

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Sorry for this long ass post, but I feel like all the details will help and I'm trying to sort through this situation...

I'm a 31 y/o gay male and went on this date about a month ago with this lovely guy. I don't really put any expectations on dates. It keeps the pressure off and I think I'm more myself when I go in with an open mind without hoping anything in particular will happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with someone new, as I usually am. I picked him up, we went out for a few drinks, and really started to hit it off. About 20 minutes into sitting at this bar, he started to rub my arm and said "I'm sorry, you're just really cute." I put my hand on his knee and said "It's okay, you're so cute too." The conversation was great and we were clearly both really enjoying ourselves. I'm sitting there thinking to myself "Wow, this guy is delightful. I didn't expect this."

We left to go to a bar closer to his place, had one drink and he invited me back to his apartment. We stopped to pick up some drinks and went back. Once we got there, we took his dog outside and he kissed me. After going back upstairs we kissed a little bit more and eventually sat down with our drinks and started a movie. We made out a little and he cuddled up on me with his head on my lap. We both eventually fell asleep, him with his head in my lap. He woke me up around 4 in the morning and said "Let's go to bed". We went to his bed and he immediately cuddled up right onto me. Like, he was GLUED to me. We laid there for a few minutes and eventually started making out pretty hot and heavy. We didn't have sex, but we slept together in our underwear and felt each other up quite a bit. Throughout the night, we'd wake up occasionally and we made out every time this happened. He'd keep putting my hand on his butt and we seriously cuddled the entire time we were in bed. There was never even a break.

The next morning, he asked me to go for a walk with him and his dog. Then we got coffee and hung at his place for a bit on the couch, and he laid on me again. When we finally agreed it was time to move on with the day, we kissed and of course ended up making out for another 5-10 minutes before I actually left. He said "Please let's hang out again" and I agreed we should.

I texted him a few days later saying what a great time I had and would love to do it again. He said he wanted to also. We agreed we'd try to figure out a time to get together in the next couple weeks as he was traveling a bit. It seemed like we were finally honing in on a time to get together. He suggested we go out to a bar near his place during the upcoming week. I texted him that week and when he texted back he said he had a really great time getting to know me and that he thought we would be "better off" as friends. I asked what changed and he said "I'm still hung up on some guy to be honest". I told him I could understand that, and it's always hard and that I was open to friends too, if he really wanted to be friends. He told me he really did want to be friends and said "I don't have time to waste on people I don't like". I told him I would be happy continuing to get to know him with whatever boundaries he felt he needed.

I was really confused because it seemed like we were on the same page, especially since he was the one making all the moves on me (at least at first). I talked to a couple of my good gay friends about the situation and one of them said he thought it sounded like it was going well and when I said "You do?" he told me "This guy is communicating that he's interested." There's a part of me that thinks that, but I'm not sure, and I don't know how to move forward with getting to know him after a date like that, but I do want to get to know him more. I'd like to hang out with him again, but is it too soon to ask him to hang out as friends? How do I even do that? I don't plan on sitting around waiting for him to decide if he wants to go on another date, but he seems like a really good, genuine guy and I'm happy to continue getting to know him. And I would definitely go on another date if he wanted to and I wasn't seeing anyone. I'm just really confused about this situation, especially with how quickly it seemed to change. It really seemed like we were both so into each other. I'd love to hear some thoughts/advice! Sorry again for this long post!
 

halcyondays

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Sounds like he's interested in you but doesn't want to date again. That's a boundary he set because he's not over his last love. It's good that he was honest about that.

I agree you've been put in his friend zone. If you're going to hang out and do stuff together it's not going to be romantic.

Question is are you okay with just being friends or do you want/need more? What are your boundaries? Are you willing to repeat the intimacy of your first date as friends? While he's dating others or trying to recover his last boyfriend?

Your call.
 

mppc19

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Sounds like he's interested in you but doesn't want to date again. That's a boundary he set because he's not over his last love. It's good that he was honest about that.

I agree you've been put in his friend zone. If you're going to hang out and do stuff together it's not going to be romantic.

Question is are you okay with just being friends or do you want/need more? What are your boundaries? Are you willing to repeat the intimacy of your first date as friends? While he's dating others or trying to recover his last boyfriend?

Your call.
I do agree that it was good he was honest about how he was feeling about his last boyfriend, and this probably sounds a bit childish, but if he were dating after telling me he wasn't over the last guy, I would almost feel like his reasoning to not have another date was a lie? I'd be okay with being friends or just hooking up, if it went in that direction. The situation was just so confusing because he was clearly so into it all when we went out and pretty much was the one to initiate everything, including suggesting a second date.
 
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deleted10500801

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There's no such thing as the 'friend zone'. True friendship is a relationship between equals and it's mutually beneficial and fulfilling and both people see each other the same way. Unrequited attraction always creates unequal friendships and only fools remain friends with someone who isn't interested in them the same way they are towards that person.
 
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cantaloupe

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He really likes you but isn't ready for anything serious yet. I am a bit heartbroken just reading this, it had such a beatiful beginning and it's something that happened to me twice. A ton of affection and great chemistry that developed into nothing because the other person wasn't ready...
 
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AllDixNeedLuv69

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Sorry for this long ass post, but I feel like all the details will help and I'm trying to sort through this situation...

I'm a 31 y/o gay male and went on this date about a month ago with this lovely guy. I don't really put any expectations on dates. It keeps the pressure off and I think I'm more myself when I go in with an open mind without hoping anything in particular will happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with someone new, as I usually am. I picked him up, we went out for a few drinks, and really started to hit it off. About 20 minutes into sitting at this bar, he started to rub my arm and said "I'm sorry, you're just really cute." I put my hand on his knee and said "It's okay, you're so cute too." The conversation was great and we were clearly both really enjoying ourselves. I'm sitting there thinking to myself "Wow, this guy is delightful. I didn't expect this."

We left to go to a bar closer to his place, had one drink and he invited me back to his apartment. We stopped to pick up some drinks and went back. Once we got there, we took his dog outside and he kissed me. After going back upstairs we kissed a little bit more and eventually sat down with our drinks and started a movie. We made out a little and he cuddled up on me with his head on my lap. We both eventually fell asleep, him with his head in my lap. He woke me up around 4 in the morning and said "Let's go to bed". We went to his bed and he immediately cuddled up right onto me. Like, he was GLUED to me. We laid there for a few minutes and eventually started making out pretty hot and heavy. We didn't have sex, but we slept together in our underwear and felt each other up quite a bit. Throughout the night, we'd wake up occasionally and we made out every time this happened. He'd keep putting my hand on his butt and we seriously cuddled the entire time we were in bed. There was never even a break.

The next morning, he asked me to go for a walk with him and his dog. Then we got coffee and hung at his place for a bit on the couch, and he laid on me again. When we finally agreed it was time to move on with the day, we kissed and of course ended up making out for another 5-10 minutes before I actually left. He said "Please let's hang out again" and I agreed we should.

I texted him a few days later saying what a great time I had and would love to do it again. He said he wanted to also. We agreed we'd try to figure out a time to get together in the next couple weeks as he was traveling a bit. It seemed like we were finally honing in on a time to get together. He suggested we go out to a bar near his place during the upcoming week. I texted him that week and when he texted back he said he had a really great time getting to know me and that he thought we would be "better off" as friends. I asked what changed and he said "I'm still hung up on some guy to be honest". I told him I could understand that, and it's always hard and that I was open to friends too, if he really wanted to be friends. He told me he really did want to be friends and said "I don't have time to waste on people I don't like". I told him I would be happy continuing to get to know him with whatever boundaries he felt he needed.

I was really confused because it seemed like we were on the same page, especially since he was the one making all the moves on me (at least at first). I talked to a couple of my good gay friends about the situation and one of them said he thought it sounded like it was going well and when I said "You do?" he told me "This guy is communicating that he's interested." There's a part of me that thinks that, but I'm not sure, and I don't know how to move forward with getting to know him after a date like that, but I do want to get to know him more. I'd like to hang out with him again, but is it too soon to ask him to hang out as friends? How do I even do that? I don't plan on sitting around waiting for him to decide if he wants to go on another date, but he seems like a really good, genuine guy and I'm happy to continue getting to know him. And I would definitely go on another date if he wanted to and I wasn't seeing anyone. I'm just really confused about this situation, especially with how quickly it seemed to change. It really seemed like we were both so into each other. I'd love to hear some thoughts/advice! Sorry again for this long post!
dont wait on him--if he is hooked on someone else still then if or when he breaks up with the guy-- you will be the fall guy that he needs to help him through it all--then he will use you for few weeks until he gets over it and then find someone else--trust me--it sucks being the fall guy when someone breaks up with someone---
 

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Most men both crave intimacy and are terrified by it. A stark pulling back after a moment of connection is actually the most likely scenario, not the least. So try not to take it personally. I realize that does not make this situation any less painful, and my heart goes out to you. In all likelihood, your date has little, if any, understanding of his own needs underlying his attraction to you, or his own fears that caused him to “run away” after you connected. His “excuse” about ostensibly still being preoccupied with someone else is just noise. It doesn’t even matter if it’s true or not, because that’s not the real reason he pulled back. He pulled back because he’s afraid of the vulnerability he experienced with you. Sadly, self-awareness is in short supply in this world, my friend.
 

ohiorod

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It is my thought that he may have been startled by how well the two of you bonded and he may have felt a relationship starting. That can shock you into reality if you are not ready. If he was not ready for that due to still having feelings for someone, he did you a favor by telling you. Now, if you want to be casual friends and you can turn off your attraction to him, fine. But I would think you will be better off letting him get this guy out of his system. If you are available when he is ready, good for both of you, but I’d advise you not to sit around and wait. If you pursue him now, I think he will break your heart because he still loves someone else.
 

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I've heard this situation play out an infinite # of times in heterosexual situations, usually when a woman wants to maintain the attentions of a guy in lieu of a romantic connection with a different guy they yearn for. I think the guy was being as perfectly honest as he could be, that he likes and is attracted to OP, but his desire is for someone else. It's a way to maintain multiple opportunities simultaneously without having to commit to any, thus possibly driving others away. My guess is "the other guy" would be a non starter if OP is chosen, but in the case "other guy" decides to exercise his selectivity, OP as a friend is ready and waiting. My guess is he'll cool on a friendship or change his tune if OP accepts the arrangement as is but seeks other romantic options.
 
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Does sound a bit like he's trying to keep his options open so as @halcyondays said what are your boundaries, what is acceptable to you?

if you decide to try be friends then don't try push it, don't think of him with this other guy(s) but get on with your life too and looking for your own connection - just go into it the same way you went into your first date, open minded and no big expectations.

good luck
 
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yearites

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To be completely honest, the other guy probably has him on a hook like a fish and vice cersa they broke up mutually but the other guy is very much still in his life(and vice versa). He can't get over him because they still talk. When they're arent so many of us out there, youll see it makes sense that we stay friends after we date, but as far as making a clean slate and moving on from past loves, it doesn't work out very well and I think we think of our past loves a lot more than heterosexual people because of that.
 

yearites

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But I also agree with what BMWphoto said I thought he made a good point.

And let me go on a little rant while I'm at it.
Never, ever, ever let a person have any intimacy on the first date. A strong as fuck handshake and eye fucking is the most I'll allow on the first date. The third date you'll get some of the goods but I never let the chance for suspense building be wasted. If they can't wait till the third date to put their head in your lap they are way to trusting of strangers and most likely have some fucked up baggage going on in their life where they really just need to be held like their five years old again. Pathetic. Have some class, manners, and etiquette when you go on a date and for god's sake never just give everything you have to give on the first round. That's like also solid gambling advice.
 

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I've heard this situation play out an infinite # of times in heterosexual situations, usually when a woman wants to maintain the attentions of a guy in lieu of a romantic connection with a different guy they yearn for. I think the guy was being as perfectly honest as he could be, that he likes and is attracted to OP, but his desire is for someone else. It's a way to maintain multiple opportunities simultaneously without having to commit to any, thus possibly driving others away. My guess is "the other guy" would be a non starter if OP is chosen, but in the case "other guy" decides to exercise his selectivity, OP as a friend is ready and waiting. My guess is he'll cool on a friendship or change his tune if OP accepts the arrangement as is but seeks other romantic options.


Pretty much read my mind. This is why I never put all my eggs in one basket with a particular woman until its locked in. Always have options, because odds are. they are keeping their options open also. I know OP is talking about a man but the general principle still applies. "One-itis" (fixating on one person romantically when they havent shown the same) as its called, can be a bitch.
 

blooeyz

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Wow that’s a long post. Didn’t read a word.
The issue is that you never set up the sexual tension. Look if you want to remain friends maintain the status quo.
If you want something more and are willing to walk away from the friend, just f***ing start the process of getting to think of you differently.

I’d recommend subtle but clear advances. Compliment their physicality. That’s a clear signal. ‘Damn, you’re looking very (sexy, hot, scrumptious, yummy, you fill in the blank). What are you doing later?’

It’ll be clear. They will probably let the comment slide or maybe they’ll say we’re friends, but that’s your opening. Be up front. Tell them you’ve been thinking about them differently lately. A slow build is my suggestion. Create the sexual tension and get them thinking about you. Are you top or bottom? You’ll need to play to their unmet needs through your strengthens. Talk about a hook up in a way that they’ll see how you want what they want but from the other position. However you may not know what they want.

if they say it’s not gonna work, you can let it go, keep chipping away or stop hanging out with them.
They’ll show their true selves. Either you’re someone they’ve thought about too (probably) or not.

so many gay men hook up with friends it shouldn’t be a big deal. But what if during sex you see there’s no spark? What if you start up something but it ends badly?

If it’s a hard NO be prepared for that rejection from someone you respect and care about. a friend of mine once advised you have to bet big to win big.

There’s lots of guys to have sex with but not many who are great friends. Choose wisely.
 
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To be quite honest from the start it seems like you did really like this person. However, the night all of the romance went on you guys both had a lot to drink from what it seems. Drinks can sometimes lead people to loosen up and do things they would normally not do if they were sober. I would move on and see it as a good memory/adventure you had with this guy. Don’t look for him or insist especially if he’s hitting at he likes someone else and isn’t that much into you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to have a sexual encounter with someone you might catch feelings for and might not have a future with. I’m sure you will meet someone else that will spark that fire you’re looking for soon.
 

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Bail. Too many mixed signals. Don’t waste your time. Don’t waste your heart. Trust me on this.
Agreed. He sounds like the guy who's gonna want to fool around when hes feeling lonely, then push you away when shit gets serious. And him being "honest" and saying he's still hung up on someone else is just paving the path so he can keep doing this shit in the future.

Run!!!
 
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deleted18388141

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mistake number 1 : let's be friends
mistake number 2 : i am ok with whatever you want...WHY??????

You are selling your self short, if you like the man, act on it...
that simple
stop all this melodramatic bad comedy because it's going to be costy for you

what to do?
tell him you like him... kiss him again
go back into dating phase
his emotions about his ex... aren"t yours to handle, it s his inner story.. you got luggage too...

now start this over quickly
or accept being just a simple friend and move on