Inability to ejaculate... with a partner

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by Poivre89, Dec 1, 2010.

  1. Poivre89

    Poivre89 Member

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    I don't post often, but I have a problem and the anonymity and openness of the site, I suppose I finally feel comfortable asking for advice.
    I'm an other wise healthy, young, gay male and have many sexual encounters with quite a few men.

    I have been sexually active for about five years now and I have the problem that topping, bottoming, oral or otherwise I can't ejaculate when I am with someone. It isn't that I'm not turned on or attracted to my partners, it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I can get to a point where it feels like I should come at any moment but it just doesn't happen. It has happened maybe three or four times total and always by hand jobs with lube.

    My sexual partners have never really complained because other than perhaps a little bit of a scar to their ego (if they are invested enough into the situation to care one way or the other) they get off and all that, I make sure of it. However, it is troublesome to me, I mentioned it to my doctor and she said it was probably just psychological and I should work through it with my partners but that just doesn't seem to help. She assures me everything is fine since I can get off when masturbating and therefore it is strictly psychological.

    Does anybody else have, or as has anybody else had this problem? Are there any suggestions? It is very embarrassing for me and there is nothing that I would love more than to get off from a blowjob or from fucking somebody.
     
  2. D_Edwin Eatser

    D_Edwin Eatser New Member

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    I wouldn't worry about it, it happens to me occasionally. i just say to who I'm with "sorry, I can't cum at the moment" then concentrate on making her or him cum, or take a break, then try again. That often works for me.
     
  3. Joll

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    It's probably due to anxiety - and now you're expecting it to happen, so you worry. Not sure what to do about it tho - maybe lower the stakes a little, and just enjoy the sex with no pressure of ejaculating for the moment (if possible?); cos when the pressure's off, and it no longer matters if you cum or not, it'll probably happen automatically.

    Only other thing I can think of, is if you're on any meds. Anti-depressants make it really hard to cum.
     
  4. TheDeTour

    TheDeTour Member

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    This type of problem is a vicious circle. you worry about not ejaculating and this results in no ejaculation!! Try to relax and attemp to break the circle, I have had similar problems in the past when having sex with a new female partner, you want to give your best and by feeling tense it just doesn,t happen.
     
  5. erratic

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    The vicious cycle that joll and dave mention is absolutely a real phenomenon, OP. You ejaculate fine on your own, but not with others. Unless everyone else is doing it wrong, that suggests (heavily) that it's a mental thing. Try taking the pressure off. Tell guys you just don't cum that often and let it go. Eventually, like freyasfolk said, that may break the cycle.

    Some questions to consider:

    Can you get yourself off with other guys present? If so, perhaps you're one of those people who has trained themselves to only cum a specific way - like upside down, or with kung fu grip. Switch things up on yourself.

    Do you use kung fu grip? I've been with a couple of guys who practically tear their skin off while masturbating, and they have great trouble ejaculating - probably because they've been rough on their dicks for way too long. If this is you, lighten up. Train yourself to cum without literally choking the poor thing.

    Are you just taking the first guy who comes along? I'm concerned about your statement "if they are invested enough into the situation to care one way or the other". Please don't have sex with guys who don't care if you're happy, too. Also, there's a difference between being physically attracted to a guy, and being hot for a guy - the whole package, from his goofy smile, to his brain, to his washboard abs (or whatever floats your boat). You know - the guys who make you feel a spark between you. Are you sleeping with that kind of guy?

    Also, are these all one-nighters, or do you have longer relationships? If you're a one-nighter kind of guy, perhaps all this is your brain's way of holding something back, of keeping the sex just casual. Perhaps in a long term relationship you're built to open up to a guy by opening up on him?

    Regardless, good luck.
     
  6. MC1000

    MC1000 Member

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    There is a rare condition were young men become so accustomed to masturbation that they only associate ejaculating with masturbation. We all start out masturbating then start adding other experiences. We associate ejaculation with masturbation and the new experiences. For a rare few, they don't make the leap. Their bodies "learn" that masturbation is the only stimulation that makes them cum. (Some guys can only cum from masturbation while in certain positions. Their bodies learn to cum while only laying down for example.) Fortunately, most learned behaviors can be unlearned. I have read of two ways to learn the new behavior (behavior modification). One is to cut back on masturbastion as much as possible and increase all other types sexual activity. In other words, if you don't cum for several days, you'll be so honry when you have sex it will make it easier to cum. Your body will associate cumming with the new experience. The second is to masturbate to just before the point of no return, then insert yourself into your partner to finish off. Then you gradually start spending less time masturbating and more time in your partner. Again, your body will learn to associate cumming with being in a partner rather than your hand.
    Like I said this is a pretty rare condition, but some of the behavior modifications may help you. Good luck.
     
  7. MoonDoggy

    MoonDoggy Member

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    I have had the same problem. I'm young, relatively fit and used to wank a huge amount. My doctor said it was all in my head as well, though I'd be interested to get my enzymes and hormones checked just to confirm that. With my latest girlfriend I've been able to cum quite a few times. I laid off the masturbation for a while and when I went back to it tried to use a very light grip and use lube. To cum during sex I have to speed up a lot and get sore arms etc to cum, basically when I finish I'm worn out. It's either that or I go for 20 to 40 minutes and don't cum. Women don't like that, it takes too long, gets boring and they begin to get dry again. Right now it's happening again, not being able to cum, so I've cut off all masturbation and am trying to think happy thoughts. A cliche I know, but it helps. Try to just enjoy the situation whether you are going to cum or not.
     
    #7 MoonDoggy, Dec 2, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2010
  8. uberhund

    uberhund Member

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    I used to have this same problem, and perhaps it is related to associating orgasm with masturbation, but I was told the standard cure was to have your partner hold you while you masturbated yourself to orgasm. Once you've done that once or twice you can make 'finishing yourself off' part of sex play, and after that orgasms generally come easier: I now frequently come during oral and occasionally during anal (topping), or I get so far then pull out and do a pornstar finish!
     
  9. Poivre89

    Poivre89 Member

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    Thanks for all the feed back and not making me feel ostracized. To answer some questions I do masturbate a lot and it is with a rather tight grip. I've decided to try to not beat off for awhile, which is hard considering I am in a bit of a drought when it comes to finding partners at the moment.
    Also, I have had very few long term relationships so a large number of the men I have been with have been one night stands or casual flings. My longest relationship gave me all of the circumstances that I was able to cum. He would jack me off with lube and we would in fact be touching the whole time.
    As for other men many of them haven't complained because I have been able to fuck them, change positions, and do different things without cumming and most of them enjoyed the fact that things were able to last so long.

    Once again thanks for all the support, this is a very good message board with a lot of great honest people.
     
  10. erratic

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    Good luck trying to sort things out!
     
  11. JMBII

    JMBII New Member

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    Ive been having the same problem with my boyfriend. This has been helpful.
     
  12. B_Lightkeeper

    B_Lightkeeper New Member

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    I guess you are too young for Flomax?
     
  13. B_jeepguy2

    B_jeepguy2 New Member

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    I have the exact same problem dude. The only way a partner can make me cum is if he fucks me in the ass or massages my prostate with his finger while giving me a blowjob.
     
  14. dubbs95

    dubbs95 Member

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    wow this is just the topic ive been looking for! gonna lay out all the facts

    im 23, first time i had sex was about 2 years ago and it was with a bit of a older women, i was able to get hard, have sex for abit but i wasnt able to cum( i had been drinking so i assumed it was that).

    Last year i started seeing a girl, and i couldnt keep it hard for her every time we went to have sex(relationship didnt lasst long).

    girl i just started seeing( this happend tonight) im very attracted to her and we really hit it off, went back to her place and things got hot and heavy so she started giving me a hand job, i was able to get wood no issue( she actully couldnt get over the size of my penis, which is only 7inchs so that was pretty hot) she jerked me off for about 45min and i couldnt come... she then proceeded to give me head which was amazing it felt crazy good, but after about 30min of that i started getting fustrated and i didnt want her to feel bad that she couldnt make me cum, she was doing such an amazing job.

    when it comes to me just jerking off i usually dont have an issue, sometimes it takes me about 5min, sometimes 40min if im trying to hold out or how horny i am. oh and i use like a firm grip, no lub usually. tonight when she started it was with lub then we tried with none also

    so bottom line, im no that experienced but i have never been able to cum with a partner! this is starting to worry me now as i really like this one, and i know shes sexually agressive and i want to meet her needs.

    please help
     
    #14 dubbs95, Dec 6, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2010
  15. SpeedoMike

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    let me ask what might not be obvious... are you taking any medications? med side effects can cause these problems, especially if they are psych drugs. if this is a possibility, talk with your doctor or pharmacist.
     
  16. erratic

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    What SpeedoMike said, and:

    A firm grip with no lube provides a LOT more friction than a vagina or a mouth. (And, my personal opinion, it's gotta do a number on those nerve endings...) Perhaps loosen up and use lube? You may also be used to coming in exactly the way you give yourself a hand job - think Pavlov - so maybe switch up your own routine, too?
     
  17. oacliffbuddy

    oacliffbuddy New Member

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    It's psychological. That's not a bad thing. Just something lingering in the background that's creating a stumbling block.

    Overall our first sexual experiences start off as very private and personal events, never talked about, not shared with others. When we become sexually active with others, sometimes it can be hard to let our guard down and allow them to see us in the throes of one. It might take some therapy to get at the root cause or perhaps just a trusted FB that would be willing to let you explore what it would take to allow you to relax and get to the point of an orgasm.

    With my former partner I've had several experiences where I couldn't cum and eventually came to the conclusion that it was because the passion was no longer there. While I loved him, I was no longer "in love" with him and it was affecting me. I've never had problems with "no strings attached" activity so it sometimes leaves me wondering if it's related to a "risk" of emotional involvement that might be at the root of my occasional inability to complete the task.

    I've had guys that could not cum with me. One time I was with a guy and I had cum but he hadn't and he was trying with all his might by hand to do so. I finally had to reach out and literally stop him from beating his meat so hard and tell him it was really OK if he couldn't cum. It ebbs and flows for all of us.

    It's nothing to be alarmed about but if it persists, when the time is right for you, check into it.
     
  18. dubbs95

    dubbs95 Member

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    i think im just going to stop masterbating?? maybee if i just let it build up it will be a lot easier?
     
  19. JMBII

    JMBII New Member

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    This is exactly what I fear. I know this is why I cannot when I'm with my boyfriend that I adore but it just doesn't get me going like NSA would.
     
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