One person completely rocked my world without meaning to and I completely admit to having been something beyond infatuated. Time though, has changed my perspective. I can't say it wasn't painful. When you've been a castaway of love for so long that you're turning Fleshlights into Wilsons, any twinkling light on the horizon causes your heart to fill with hope far beyond normal.
What I hadn't expected was that the whole situation would force me to find my own separate peace and begin an entire process of confronting and controlling my demons. Now nearly two years on, I'm finding a whole world; a life I enjoy, an out and open sexuality, hope for real, mature love, new and fulfilling friendships, self esteem, self respect, and a greater sense of independence. Even more unexpected, perhaps shocking, is that the person who lifted me up, my ama, was the man I was infatuated with. Despite all the shit I put him through, he's stayed behind me, encouraging me, and tolerating my bullshit. As I've come to know him better and the relationship has more parity, time, and depth, I have come to know this person is special and really has the qualities I admired in the first place. I wasn't wrong. He's pretty extraordinary.
And were that all love needed to thrive, I'd still be there -- reaching out to cling to somebody better than I yearning for the sustenance of his attention-- a vampire. I knew that's what I was and in a rather surprisingly Machiavellian realization, I knew that I couldn't feed off of him forever not because it would harm him, but because it would never make me independent and worthy of the love I was originally seeking. And even thinking in that manner was alien to me. I would have eventually surrendered him and crawled away in dispair of ever finding love again and that would be horrible because I'd have to become a goth and nobody thinks a 40 year old goth is terribly interesting or attractive. :lame:
Remember when you took off the training wheels and the grown-up said, "Go ahead, keep pedalling, I'll be right behind you holding on," and so you'd look straight ahead and keep pedalling and you'd be going so fast you kinda wondered how fast the grown-up behind you was running and when you turned around you were astonished to see them yards away smiling and shouting, "Keep pedalling! I knew you could do it!" ? That's him.
Now that I'm pedalling on my own, I need him behind and above me less frequently. I can go exploring on my own, find my own trails, rise to meet my own path. That doesn't mean I don't run back to him sometimes for support or just to shout my frustrations, I do. It just happens less. And that's a good thing because it means he's become not an object of affection but a subject of affection. It's like that moment when you become an adult by suddenly seeing, usually with great sadness, that your parents are merely just two people trying to make their way in the world, with all their faults, shortcomings, and mistakes. They become not so strong, not so monolithic and yet a respectful empathy for them is born within that you could not have had as a child. I respect him more that humanity.
The budensome mantle of acolyte gets in the way of so much. He once said, "You don't have to be anyone else with me. You're OK in my book." My problem is just being myself, neither overcompensating nor being aloof. A small part of me worries that if I say or do even the smallest thing wrong that he'll think less of me even though I know empirically he won't. That urge comes from a lifetime spent pretending to be someone I'm not in order to please various people with power over me; parents included. Laugh all you will, but dispelled of the starring roles whom I cast in my circus of inner demons, I actually like the guy. We share common interests and think alike in many ways, but differently enough in others to keep it interesting. I'd love to just PM him one day and say, "Let's hang out and go bowling," without having to duck all my emotional baloney hanging from the ceiling. Friendships built on emotional crises don't tend to survive long. I want to avoid that seeing as I've already run him over with my mid-life crisis :drive: and the better a man I become, the better friend I can be to him...... to others....... the better brother, son, uncle, cousin, even boyfriend, maybe husbear to the right bear of quality who is seeking the same in a partner. And yes, hopeagainsthope, father.
Things will balance in time. I'm patient, if not omniscient, though I do know the further he gets from that damned pedestal I put him on, the closer he gets to being on my bowling team. And that's a far better place for both of us. :beerchug2: