Insults thrown in anger...

Fenris11

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Hello All,
just wanted some advice as I feel I need an outside perspective on this.

I am a gay guy and I have a straight male friend living with me.
We have always got on well and he always seemed to have been comfortable with me, making jokes etc.

Yesterday he found out one of his best friends from school, he had not seen in years, sadly past away. This news hit him really had. Which I believe had a bearing on what happened next...

We were walking around a shopping area and his personality seemed to change instantly, seemingly out of no where. He said 'Fuck this, I need a drink' and stormed off.
I walked after him, trying to ask him what was wrong.
He become very angry with me saying 'Just get away from me, leave me the fuck alone'
Taken aback by this I let him walk off a bit, then walked after him. I attempted to grab his arm to slow him down, he recoiled, raised his fist and said 'Dont touch me you fat c**t. I am not gay stop trying to touch me, just get away from me'

I tried to ask him why he said that but he would not answer, I also tried to explain I know he is not gay and that I have never shown any signs of thinking he was or trying to be any more than friends.

It ended with his brother coming down and talking him down in the end.
All night last night and this morning there has been an atmosphere between us.
I am not sure if he said what he did purely out of anger and grief, or if there was something more to it.
I know this sounds conceited asking why he would say something like that to me, when I know he is upset.
Does anyone else agree that no matter how upset you are you would not say something so personal and hurtful to a friend or can people truely not help or control what they say in the heat of the moment out of anger....

Should I confront him and ask if he is uncomfortable with me or just let it go as he was upset and reacting to something else?

Thanks in advance
 

SR_Patdeescreet

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Hello All,
just wanted some advice as I feel I need an outside perspective on this.

I am a gay guy and I have a straight male friend living with me.
We have always got on well and he always seemed to have been comfortable with me, making jokes etc.

Yesterday he found out one of his best friends from school, he had not seen in years, sadly past away. This news hit him really had. Which I believe had a bearing on what happened next...

We were walking around a shopping area and his personality seemed to change instantly, seemingly out of no where. He said 'Fuck this, I need a drink' and stormed off.
I walked after him, trying to ask him what was wrong.
He become very angry with me saying 'Just get away from me, leave me the fuck alone'
Taken aback by this I let him walk off a bit, then walked after him. I attempted to grab his arm to slow him down, he recoiled, raised his fist and said 'Dont touch me you fat c**t. I am not gay stop trying to touch me, just get away from me'

I tried to ask him why he said that but he would not answer, I also tried to explain I know he is not gay and that I have never shown any signs of thinking he was or trying to be any more than friends.

It ended with his brother coming down and talking him down in the end.
All night last night and this morning there has been an atmosphere between us.
I am not sure if he said what he did purely out of anger and grief, or if there was something more to it.
I know this sounds conceited asking why he would say something like that to me, when I know he is upset.
Does anyone else agree that no matter how upset you are you would not say something so personal and hurtful to a friend or can people truely not help or control what they say in the heat of the moment out of anger....

Should I confront him and ask if he is uncomfortable with me or just let it go as he was upset and reacting to something else?

Thanks in advance

I think you need to look for another living situation.
 

cliftoncock

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Tough one, this.

Some people DO say hurtful, even viscious, things when they are stressed and under pressure. I know I have. And obviously we all deal with these things differently.

I wouldn't mention it again until he apologises and it's up to him to do that soon, surely he'll get sick of the 'atmosphere' eventually. If he is contrite and sincere in his apology I would accept that.

One other thing that puzzles me. It's surprising that the death of a schoolfriend he hasn't seen for years would evoke such anger. Perhaps they had a 'history' together?

Who knows, but good luck in resolving this and lets us know how it goes.
 

martin60018

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People say what is on their mind, now you know his true feelings.
The only other time something like this comes up is when they truly intended the words to hurt. (like a bully)
People just say things like "dont be such a drama queen", "just kidding", or "i'm joking", it was what they were thinking and it slipped out. I NEVER EVER FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN ERROR. You can call me a faggot to my face, but if you are two faced and a hypocrite I will not accept it.
Your roomie has had it on his mind and now it is out in the open.
 

elgarcon

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People do lash out when they are angry and upset and often times they go with what they think will hurt the most even if it's not how they truly feel. Nonetheless, what he said was pretty shitty.

I wouldn't write off a friendship over what he said, but I wouldn't shrug it off either. The ball is in his court to make it right with you. I recommend keeping some distance from him, or as much as you can given the fact that you live with him, and seeing how it plays out.
 

TaigaStar

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I know I'm not gay (and the rules technically exclude me from answering), but if he said this to you at a time of intense emotional turmoil, it was very likely not sent through the thought filter. That said, I think you should give him some time and some emotional space. I would even recommend giving him a bit of the cold shoulder once he comes back to normal while you look for a friendlier living situation.

Words said in anger might be accidental, but that doesn't mean they lack the true colors of the speaker.
 

Infernal

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I would give him time to process his grief and anger then ask him WTF ? Remind him that you've never shown any interest in him and while you understand he may have lashed out in anger or grief, it isn't cool. Give him a chance to make amends for what he said and if he won't, then someone needs to move on.
 

MisterSlave

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my 2 cents.

People deal with grief in a number of different ways. This last weekend. . . I went to a BBQ, and myself and some friends where sitting down at a coffee table with a sectional sofa. . my one friend says to the other:

(Hey I did not make it to Fairy Coffee. .Was Scott there. .David, responded by saying. . Oh honey, I don't think there is any good way to tell you. . you know there was a guy who jumped off the vista bridge. . and Benji's Jaw dropped.)

The whole rest of the BBQ,.. there was a somewhat somber Air, and one of our other friends was really depressed.

If you wish to make an issue of your conversation with your straight friend. . give it some time, and or talk to your friend's brother perhaps. . . but give him some time before you might dredge some things up about your other friend who has passed. as it is tied to your gay-str8 friendship.

just my thoughts

Mr. Slave
 

Fenris11

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We need to hear from the OP again on this one.

I'm on tenderhooks!

Sorry for the delay.
Thank you all for your comments and points of view. I really appreciate it.

I have since found out the guy did have some 'history' with the girl that had passed away, but it did not amount to much as they were young and he ended up moving away.

I gave it a day to let him process and cool off from the news and his outburst, and calmly explained to him that although he was upset I still felt the way he spoke to me was awful, and that it really upset me.

He became very sheepish and explained he was embarrassed about the whole event.

Things seem to be alright now. He did come and ask if he could talk to me last night as he said his mind was goind round in circles with the death of his friend. He was frustrated as he said it was unfair and he could not get his head around it. We had a little chat.
I think he felt worse as he had not been in contact for a few months, and his friends mother was trying to contact him to let him know and also to ask him to be a coffin bearer. So not only did he not know about her death, he did not attend the funeral or get the oppertunity to remember her with her family and have the oppertunity to carry her coffin.

I believe there is a sense of abandonment, confusion and frustraton as his birth mother passed away when he was very young, then when his was in his early teens his best friend at the time died suddenly from a dodgy batch of drugs.

He has since spoken to his friends parents and siblings, who told him how much he talked about him and missed him.
He is planning to go down to see his friends parents, visit her grave and talk about memories etc. I feel this is important as part of his grieving process.

Thanks again to all of you for your comments