Insults thrown in Anger

Fenris11

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Hello All,
just wanted some advice as I feel I need an outside perspective on this.

I am a gay guy and I have a straight male friend living with me.
We have always got on well and he always seemed to have been comfortable with me, making jokes etc.

Yesterday he found out one of his best friends from school, he had not seen in years, sadly past away. This news hit him really had. Which I believe had a bearing on what happened next...

We were walking around a shopping area and his personality seemed to change instantly, seemingly out of no where. He said 'Fuck this, I need a drink' and stormed off.
I walked after him, trying to ask him what was wrong.
He become very angry with me saying 'Just get away from me, leave me the fuck alone'
Taken aback by this I let him walk off a bit, then walked after him. I attempted to grab his arm to slow him down, he recoiled, raised his fist and said 'Dont touch me you fat c**t. I am not gay stop trying to touch me, just get away from me'

I tried to ask him why he said that but he would not answer, I also tried to explain I know he is not gay and that I have never shown any signs of thinking he was or trying to be any more than friends.

It ended with his brother coming down and talking him down in the end.
All night last night and this morning there has been an atmosphere between us.
I am not sure if he said what he did purely out of anger and grief, or if there was something more to it.
I know this sounds conceited asking why he would say something like that to me, when I know he is upset.
Does anyone else agree that no matter how upset you are you would not say something so personal and hurtful to a friend or can people truely not help or control what they say in the heat of the moment out of anger....

Should I confront him and ask if he is uncomfortable with me or just let it go as he was upset and reacting to something else?

Thanks in advance
 

twoton

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Hard to figure. I've never been on either side of a situation like that. That being said, I tend to take a dim view of people who let their emotions get the better of them. Grieving or not, his reaction was inappropriate. Basically, he gave himself permission to be an asshole. Sorry, but I don't accept behavior like that.

I'd let it go because no doubt he feels justified.
 

pcghabsy

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It is very simple. He was shocked and upset. People in shock say and do things they don't mean to out loud, as their animal instincts take over. You know him much better than us on an internet forum do, but judging by what he's saying it's best to leave him alone. Once he's calmed down, might want to give him a call and find out how he's holding up. Then again, he might not like that, you know his personality better than us.

I am quite certain none of this has anything to do with sexual orientation. That was just a jab on top of his mind.
 

D_Ida_Ho

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Was going to say that you should talk to him. Maybe help him to understand that you aren't the right target for his aggression but after reading socalfreak's post i can see how that would escalate into a place where it never belonged.

I don't know him or what his reactions might be but i have experienced times when other dudes just couldn't control their emotions. Maybe you could wait until he calms down then let him know that you are in fact a friend and that what he said was not cool in the slightest. Afterwards be prepared to lose a friend. Sounds harsh but if he can't gather himself together enough to understand that you didn't mean him any harm, you're just going to lose him anyway.

When a person disrespects a loved one out of emotion, when that loved one has little or nothing to do with the cause of their emotion, then its a sure sign that their values are morphing. If those values stay the same then no harm done. But if the person loses respect for you then its just a matter of time before you yourself will encounter more negativity from it.
 

Fenris11

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Sorry for the delay.
Thank you all for your comments and points of view. I really appreciate it.

I have since found out the guy did have some 'history' with the girl that had passed away, but it did not amount to much as they were young and he ended up moving away.

I gave it a day to let him process and cool off from the news and his outburst, and calmly explained to him that although he was upset I still felt the way he spoke to me was awful, and that it really upset me.

He became very sheepish and explained he was embarrassed about the whole event.

Things seem to be alright now. He did come and ask if he could talk to me last night as he said his mind was goind round in circles with the death of his friend. He was frustrated as he said it was unfair and he could not get his head around it. We had a little chat.
I think he felt worse as he had not been in contact for a few months, and his friends mother was trying to contact him to let him know and also to ask him to be a coffin bearer. So not only did he not know about her death, he did not attend the funeral or get the oppertunity to remember her with her family and have the oppertunity to carry her coffin.

I believe there is a sense of abandonment, confusion and frustraton as his birth mother passed away when he was very young, then when his was in his early teens his best friend at the time died suddenly from a dodgy batch of drugs.

He has since spoken to his friends parents and siblings, who told him how much he talked about him and missed him.
He is planning to go down to see his friends parents, visit her grave and talk about memories etc. I feel this is important as part of his grieving process.
 

Dport

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If I'm in a mood where I'm already saying shit like "get away from me, leave me the fuck alone"...You might want to leave me the fuck alone.

If you grab my arm after I've made it perfectly clear I want to be alone..I might call you a cunt.
 

Fenris11

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Dport - I agree and accept my part in adding fuel to his fire. It would have been wise of me to leave him be and let him calm down in his own time, but there are some circumstances which meant I could not let him just wander off in town on his own.
He is bailed to my address from court, if he goes and gets himself in trouble he will go straight to prison...
I have a way of getting myself into these stupid situations.
 

Shepardson

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I don't know this guy, or your relationship with him, but somehow the second half of what he said (which seems to be emphasized here) bothers me a little less than the first half. I had known a couple girls in my younger days like that. People who, even under minor prodding or irritation, immediately go for something personal and emotionally hurtful, and seem like they can walk away and forget all about it two minutes later. If he's not anything like that to you or anyone else, I might cut him some slack due to circumstances, but if he is, I wouldn't fight all that hard to get any closer to him (figuratively speaking).

Take Care
 

Fenris11

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Cheers Shepardson,
I know where you are coming from.
I am starting to think the whole situation, although started with best intentions, is turning a little complicated and has the potential for manipulation...

I guess I will see what the next few days bring and go from there, but the more this goes on the more I am feeling I should walk away. But there is part of me that does not want to be another person who has let him down.
My little head is spinning...
 

D_Miranda_Wrights

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If he lives with you, jokes around with you, and is honestly comfortable, I really doubt he has some sort of secret internalized homophobia. I think he felt cornered so he lashed out with a hurtful thing. Honestly, as others are saying, this is not what seems troubling in this situation. I would put sexual orientation out of your mind -- dealing with someone with emotional trauma and a felony record (apparently) is really the issue at hand here.
 

OhWiseOne

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Dport - I agree and accept my part in adding fuel to his fire. It would have been wise of me to leave him be and let him calm down in his own time, but there are some circumstances which meant I could not let him just wander off in town on his own.
He is bailed to my address from court, if he goes and gets himself in trouble he will go straight to prison...
I have a way of getting myself into these stupid situations.
This might explain a few things. He has lost his mother, a close freind and not sure who else. He is tied to you physically because of the court issue and at that moment of the outburst he may have been thinking "fuck it I'll loose you too" it will be easier. Just another thought on the situation.

Regarding the initial incident, you should have given him space as he asked. Chasing him and trying to force a conversation is just adding fuel to the fire. But this has already been said in other posts.
 

donkeygeorge

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Hello All,
just wanted some advice as I feel I need an outside perspective on this.

I am a gay guy and I have a straight male friend living with me.
We have always got on well and he always seemed to have been comfortable with me, making jokes etc.

Yesterday he found out one of his best friends from school, he had not seen in years, sadly past away. This news hit him really had. Which I believe had a bearing on what happened next...

We were walking around a shopping area and his personality seemed to change instantly, seemingly out of no where. He said 'Fuck this, I need a drink' and stormed off.
I walked after him, trying to ask him what was wrong.
He become very angry with me saying 'Just get away from me, leave me the fuck alone'
Taken aback by this I let him walk off a bit, then walked after him. I attempted to grab his arm to slow him down, he recoiled, raised his fist and said 'Dont touch me you fat c**t. I am not gay stop trying to touch me, just get away from me'

I tried to ask him why he said that but he would not answer, I also tried to explain I know he is not gay and that I have never shown any signs of thinking he was or trying to be any more than friends.

It ended with his brother coming down and talking him down in the end.
All night last night and this morning there has been an atmosphere between us.
I am not sure if he said what he did purely out of anger and grief, or if there was something more to it.
I know this sounds conceited asking why he would say something like that to me, when I know he is upset.
Does anyone else agree that no matter how upset you are you would not say something so personal and hurtful to a friend or can people truely not help or control what they say in the heat of the moment out of anger....

Should I confront him and ask if he is uncomfortable with me or just let it go as he was upset and reacting to something else?

Thanks in advance
From my experience, in the heat of the moment and out of anger, ''basically most of the times anger is a reaction to fear'' a human can do things worse than to say something insulting, so from one point of view you was lucky.

The second and most important thing is that always on that moments, some suppressed feelings and thougths are emerging, so what he said it was what he thinks even if in normal situations doesn't want to admit or to express.
 
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Dport - I agree and accept my part in adding fuel to his fire. It would have been wise of me to leave him be and let him calm down in his own time, but there are some circumstances which meant I could not let him just wander off in town on his own.
He is bailed to my address from court, if he goes and gets himself in trouble he will go straight to prison...
I have a way of getting myself into these stupid situations.

The difference between friends and relatives. Relatives your connected to and somewhat obligated to by blood, friends on the other hand are a choice.

You may want to let him know and he can work it out with the parole officer or bailiff.