Internet Relationship Problems....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_Think_Kink, May 10, 2007.

  1. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    A good friend of mine Kyle(beautiful gay guy) is having a delema. I really didn't know how to help him cause I've never been in the situation so help me out everyone....

    For the last 8 months or so, Kyle has been online dating this guy that he met on the internet. Kyle lives in Canada with me and his online bf Shawn lives in Florida(crazy americans..). They met in some chatroom...whatever, not the point.

    What IS important is that fact that at the beginning of this internet relationship, they were really close and lovey dovey. They were on MSN alllll the time, even spoke on the phone(I'd hate to see that bill), and sent each other emails 5 times a week. Everytime they spoke, they talked about how great it would be to meet up and Shawn was constantly talking about coming up to meet officially for a week or two this summer.

    About a month ago Kyle noticed that whole days would go by without a word from Shawn. Once they spoke again, everything was fine. Then Shawn would disappear for another day or two.

    Now over the last 2 weeks Kyle and Shawn have talked four times. Kyle is kinda upset about it and everytime I try to tell him that Shawn is probably not interested anymore, Kyle gets upset(cause I hate being the bad guy). Yesterday, he finally told me that he got this really sweet email last week about how much Shawn loved the idea of being with him.

    What advice can I offer Kyle to make him feel better. I think he is confused and really upset at how quiet Shawn has been. Any help?:confused:
     
  2. ruffboy

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    everyone goes through the initial lust/puppy love/fascination/can't get you out of my head phase. but everyone also is entirely human, and the pressures and realities of life more often than not insidiously creep in and slowly erode away that undying forever-and-ever affection and attention we all love so much. the story is as old as me ;-) its a normal ebb and flow though the timelines are never the same for any relationship as to when that flow will ebb, the next stage is finding out if its actually something more real than just the initial fascination. if he's still emailing, chances are (and you should try to always give people benifit of the doubt, especially if you want it yourself) he's still interested, he just is a seperate human being so he operates on a different clock than kyle. he could only call/write/communicate a perfect amount if he was kyle's clone, or if he could read kyle's mind. both highly unlikely. learning to love is often learning to focus on the good and forgive the bad.

    and now i'm rambling... so what are you wearing...
     
  3. darkone

    darkone New Member

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    I think if there is more time than a day or two between communication then he is maybe loosing interest and stringing him along to keep his options open. It really depends on the relationship they are trying to build. If they want to stay true too just each other then there might be a problem. But if they can do whatever then I wouldn't worry too much about it right now.
     
  4. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    That's really sad to hear. Of course, it's very difficult to keep long-distance ties going because, at the end of the day, you don't have the physical proximity to back up your status. Your friend sounds like a good guy who just happens to be lonely and needs some companionship in his life. Maybe you should hold off on the "bad guy" routine and give him some space to process what's really going on, not just with this boyfriend but what he's lacking in his own life.
     
  5. GoneA

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    I'm not convinced there is a lot of advice you can offer Kyle -- well, at least not any advice than can cheer him up...from the looks of it, though, I'm not sure he even needs any uplifting.

    Taking into account that their relationship is in its nascent stages, I think it's more prudent to let them work-out issues of this nature on their own. However, I do understand that since you’re Kyle's friend, you have a keen desire to offer your opinion -- no doubt, an opinion that will keep him in sync with reality.


    Be that as it may, I think it’s a premature decision to suggest to Kyle that Shawn isn’t interested in him, anymore. While that may be a very viable possibility, there are still several factors that should be considered; a few of them are:
    • Perhaps Shawn has a full-time job that’s preventing him continuing this ongoing communication.
    • Shawn could be trying to courteously withdraw himself so that Kyle doesn’t feel smothered by him.
    • He [Shawn] could have recently gone through some traumatic/dramatic event(s) that’s consuming the majority of his time.
    • Is Shawn a student? If he is, that can be a full-time job within itself.
    [FONT=&quot]o[/FONT]Is he a student and a working adult?
    • How stable is his internet (or phone) connection? (This one might be reaching a bit, but it’s worth a shot.)
    Finally, in view of the fact that Shawn managed to send Kyle a “sweet” e-mail, says a lot about his perspective on things. Simply put, if he was trying to bring this relationship to an end, I’m sure the e-mail would have read differently.

    I would tell Kyle to continue to look on the bright-side of things, until he has a more significant reason to look elsewhere.
     
  6. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    There is the possibility that Shawn is not the persona that he has portrayed online. He might have got carried away and suddenly thought " this is getting a bit heavy and I'm going to get found out". I'm not sure that I would be that blunt and suggest this to your pal though TK.
     
  7. AlteredEgo

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    I'm with Gonnie and sk_bum.
     
  8. davidjh7

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    Ok, here is my take, based on some very painful personal experience on JUST this kind of situation. First, nothing you can say or do will really help Kyle right now--just be his friend, and make sure he knows you are there for him no matter what. You can't stop him from getting hurt, only be seen as a cop in a domestic dispute,so stay out of the middle, just be his friend. Second, it has been my personal experience, and personal observation of MANY other gay men involvd in this kind of situation, so take it for what it is worth: Long distance relationships can only survive, if there is a time table, and a plan of how to be together, and constant communication, and working towards that time. If those aren't in place, then the relationship will fade, and eventually die, because it lacks all the components necessary to maintain a relationship. I wish there was an easy answer to this---and it makes it MUCH harder when there is a country, with all the legal ramifications involved, between them. Good luck--Kyle is going to need his friends, I suspect, in a short while....
     
  9. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I made myself sound so mean in all this.... sheesh. It's not as bad as that sounds, I'm just flustered in all this too. All I ever hear is about this, day in and day out.
     
  10. videoondeugd

    videoondeugd New Member

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    A relationsship cannot sustain through a computer screen or the sound through a telephone. Love and a relationship needs LIVE communication. If not, it wil die. It is as simple as that
     
  11. Principessa

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    He is definetely distancing himself, I think Shawn may be what is called a, "bad breaker upper." Yes, that is a Seinfeld term but it's accurate. It is not indigenous to men either, women can also be bad breaker uppers.

    The good thing about the internet, no rules; the bad thing, no rules.

    I have wished a few times for a peek at the Internet Dating Manual. I know there isn't one but there should be. Something along the lines of the normal phases and time periods one can expect.

    For instance, people should e-mail and/or IM for 3 weeks, then proceed to webcam or phone chat. Depending on the distance between the people in question, webcam and phone chat can go from 1-4 months. After that you need to meet in person to see if there is any real chemistry and compatibility. If there is no chemistry then you stop the whole charade. If there is chemistry than congratulations.
     
  12. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Hey Kink,

    I am sorry to hear that your friend is having such a rough time emotionally. I don't think you made yourself sound like a bad guy in the situation. You are probably just concerned because of how confused Kyle is. Good friends try to help out when they can.

    I do have one peice of advice. If you find that kyle complains too much, politely tell him that you want to help but don't really know how and ask him if he has told Shawn how he feels... it might be all you can do.
     
  13. Blocko

    Blocko Member

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    The reality of the internet relationship is that eventually distance kicks in, unless you do something about it. When you can't touch someone's face, it's harder to remember why you want to.
     
  14. GoneA

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    Nice. :cool:
     
  15. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    It was, wasn't it?
     
  16. B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever

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    My advice is that he drops the relationship completely and pursues a real one. In my opinion, online relationships are...well, to put it bluntly, pretty pathetic and for people either very desperate and/or lacking any social skills. What's the point in being in a romantic, emotional relationship when you can't even be with that person? Can't kiss them, can't hug them, can't cuddle with them, can't make love, can't go on dates...I mean, really, what's the point? It's rather redundant.
     
  17. SoFla8

    SoFla8 New Member

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    Yes, but when does it kick in? I've had an internet relationship for 2 years. I'm in Florida, she's in TX. 1000 miles! The distance doesn't make me feel foolish like the fact that she's in a failed marriage! What am I thinking! It wasnt what I was looking for! I just wanted to be friends and so did she. We fucked it up with all this emotional crap. I guess when real relationships terrify you the internet is there :mad:

    I dont know. We've connected in so many ways on other levels. I mean a physical relationship would be better(i'd like to believe anyways). I think I use the distance to my advantage. I mean...like a safety net. I dont think I can get hurt as bad from such a long way away, and after 7 years without anything at all the emotional connection is better than nothing.

    I dont want to meet her...it would ruin everything. She's never going to leave him for me and I'd be crazy to think so. There's always that little voice of possibility that keeps you like dreaming it might happen. I feel like such a fool for it all, but I dont want to lose a hopeless/impossible relationship. If that makes sense:confused:
     
  18. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I suppose the first thing I should do, is set you straight. While you may have never met anyone online that was worth talking to, many, MANY others have. If you happen to fall for a person's personality, that doesn't make you pathetic or desperate/lacking social skills. Just using the internet could make you a person who has poor social skills as you are spending time on a computer, when you could be interacting with people outside.

    The internet is just another medium for meeting people, no different than going to a bar, or meeting someone at a grocery store. Your argument could easily apply to these two places. I would say that going to a bar, in hopes to "pick up" (like so many people 18-25 do) is just as pathetic as meeting someone on the internet. You still put on a front at the beginning, showing all your best qualities. IF the person you met is worth being with, they will slowly figure out your good qualities.

    It's hardly redundant as the people in the relationship could/will meet up at some point in the future. Maybe there is MORE to a relationship than just fucking? Have you considered that? There is an emotional/intellectual component to a relationship as well. Feel free to think.
     
  19. B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever

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    I never said there was anything wrong with talking to people online, straw man. I talk to many people online and I suppose it's normal for some people to find another Internet buddy's personality attractive and, perhaps, begin to develop a crush. But to date them online? That's ridiculous, in my opinion. You can't see the person, you can't spend real time with them, there's no physical development. Also, I never said that relationships were SOLELY based on sex, straw man -- but whether you admit it or not, the sexual/physical side of a relationship, a romantic one, is just as important as the emotional/intellectual one. It's okay to meet somebody online and then, maybe, meet up with them, but to carry on a relationship online, completely? A bit lame to me, but to each their own.
     
  20. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Ok, we've heard enough out of you.. back to the question at hand.. which didn't include the optional answer of whatever you said...
     
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