intimidation from the past

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Gregg_Ghorian, Feb 14, 2008.

  1. D_Gregg_Ghorian

    D_Gregg_Ghorian Account Disabled

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    has anyone ever felt intimadated or jealous of your lovers past sexual experience/partners. I often get this way if we have conversations pertaining to this. I begin to feel insecure and jealous and I know it isn't fair to my wife. I know she feels like she can't talk to me about it because it makes me feel bad. She loves me. She loves our sex life. I just don't know the best steps to take to overcome the insecure and intimidating emotions I get.

    Any advice??
    Much appreciated.
     
  2. sandiasky9

    sandiasky9 Member

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    You are lucky in that you have a HUGE penis. So, it is just something lodged secure in your head. Might not ever go away. I might be reading into it but you want to "possess" your wife. I mean that in a good way, not an ownership way. About all I can think of to say is that without her past experiences she would not have grown to be the person she is AND would not be able to fully appreciate you. So, since she had past experiences there was love given that you can't have, no one can. But she grew spiritually, et al, so that what you get from her is more than you would be able to get if she was a virgin when you meant. Like if a virgin you would have gotten 1 of 1, 100% - with past experiences and resulting personal growth, depth of ability to love having "practiced" in preparation of meeting her rest of life lover, you, you get just 90% but that is 9 of 10. So, you get 9 "points" versus "1 point". This was probably stupid. My bf says I usually don't make sense to him anyway.
     
  3. ZOS23xy

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    No, my wife's past numbers don't bother me. Some of them were for a few days. A few weeks. I'm been humping her for for more than two decades, and no one will top that unknown, in the thousands number, ever.

    We have our memories. We've been good to each other.

    So you have the chance of getting good memories together, and please do so. After seeing your photos I'd only have to wonder why you are feeling insecure about anything.

    Is it because you weren't the first?
     
  4. Maia

    Maia New Member

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    I think that most people in every culture feel this to some degree. Some people more than others, of course. I have only been with my husband, but my husband has been with a number of women before me. It used to bother me a lot.
    For the first two years of our marriage I was the most jealous bitch imaginable, checking the time stamped on his train tickets, seeing if he took a comb with him to work (to look good for the women he was having affairs with at the office,) smelling him for perfume when I met him at the door, insisting we change tables if our waitress gave him too much attention, etc.. Most of this behaviour came from my insecurity that he knew how bad I was in bed since he had been with so many other women.
    My best friend listened to me rant at him one day at her house, and told me if I kept it up he was going to do exactly what I feared most: stop loving me and start loving someone else. I really tried to cool it down after that, but my husband was really wary about anything having to do with women; didn't like going to films with me (sex scenes used to set me off), didn't want to attend my friends birthday parties, didn't want to go to night clubs. I realized how much I had damaged the relationship, and saw that I was making my life worse rather than better.
    Ultimately what put all of the insecurity to rest was when he told me "I loved you enough to marry you without having had sex with you, those other women in the past... I had sex with them but didn't like them enough to get married, so that should tell you something about how I feel about you." The things that always worried me were that I knew he could have other women easily, because he had, and that I might not measure up to the women in the past. So when he said all that to me, it really dispelled a lot of my irrational fears. I also felt really ashamed. He married me because he thought I was the best woman he knew, and then for two years I was acting like a complete idiot. I felt like I had really let him down.
    Since then, my trust in him has grown and grown, and the thoughts of his past women don't really bother me. Occasionally they do pop up, but then I just tell myself "he dumped that bitch 'cause I am too damned sexy" or something silly like that ;) We now have another couple that we play with sometimes, so I think I have really conquered my insecurities. However, I still have limits; the other couple is pretty deep sub. and I get to switch dom. when we play with them. That way, I get to keep things within my comfort zone. I'm very happy now :)
     
  5. D_Percival Puddleford Pukehorn

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    she better! I mean with that big cock of urs she shouldn't even compare you to her past lovers :cool:
     
  6. D_Roland_D_Hay

    D_Roland_D_Hay Account Disabled

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    The way I look at it, the past is the past...plus you get to benefit from all of the experience!
     
  7. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I think everyone has some insecurities about their relationships. I feel it all goes back to the fact that each of us is afraid of being unloved or left alone in the world. This is especially true if we love the other person so much that we can't imagine life without them. This may sound like a cliche but I think it's a good thing to be able to talk with her about your feelings, and ask her to help you with your jealousy. Also if a person is too jealous or insecure, it may drive the partner a way. I hope things work out for you and her.
     
  8. vince

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    I think it comes down to trust. Trust in your partner's love for you. Trust in your love for them. For many years I never doubted my wife's love for me. We were good friends with both our ex's. Her longtime BF rented a basement suite from us for 10 years and our daughters are best friends to this day.

    But once our relationship hit the rocks and we separated, those jealous thoughts did start to rise in my mind. Not with anyone in specific, but in my imagination. I don't feel that way now that time has passed. I wish she would fall in love again for her sake. She is quite lonely now.

    I don't really have advice for you thx55, but if as you say, she loves you and your life together, then believe her. She must love you if she is comfortable talking about past lovers. it means she doesn't want to hide anything from you.
     
  9. D_Gregg_Ghorian

    D_Gregg_Ghorian Account Disabled

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    thank you all for your expert responses. I appreciate it.
     
  10. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    I like to a partners full sexual history, good and bad. But if they have done something i haven't then i think of that as a learning experience they get to teach me. I dont really see the point of being jealousy of something that obviously wasn't good otherwise he'd still be there
     
  11. widenine

    widenine New Member

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    How does she handle knowing that you've penetrated other women in the past? Probably, you had more women than she had men?

    I do understand the problem and use to feel some of that years ago. Then I took a good look at myself. The root of my pain was me. What would I do If I were left alone, or if she were somehow taken away from me. Or even worse, if she left after I had given all that I had to give. What if my all was still not good enough for her? If she thought there was something better.... someone better?

    We separated eventually for about four months. Contact was regular, but the day to day interaction was gone. Over time, I began to see that I'm just fine living all alone... and that I wouldn't fall apart without her. The love remained and I gained more confidence and became less clingy in a real sense. She became more attracted to me again. Then the big news came.
    I realized that I didn't NEED to be with her anymore. And that I would invite her back into my life only because I wanted her there. What a relief! I felt free! We've been back for six years and the insecurity issues have disappeared. She can talk about whatever she likes......... and now so can I. :_)
     
  12. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Honestly, do you really want to know the details of your present partner's sexual history? For me sex is personal and very private; what happens between two persons, I believe, is best viewed as sacredly private. I like to maintain the aura of mystery about sex and the partner's life before the two met. My partners were free to draw their own conclusions as was I; what was and remains important to the two of us will always be the depth of the relationship which we had of which the sex was but the glorious expression. That way, I have found, former partners can remain friends. I am sure that the thoughts that run through our minds when we do meet again are similar. Casual sex is forgetable; sex in the close bonds of friendship and love is the stuff of precious memory.
     
  13. SpoiledPrincess

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    They're in the past, if they were that great they'd be in the present.
     
  14. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Look at it this way, spoiled princess: whether you like it or not the past is a vital part of your present. If, in retrospect, it all seems empty of meaning you have serious work to do to experience the newness of life fully as you were meant to. Once that happens you acquire a usable past which allow you to rejoice in the journey of life.
    The friends of the past are not absent from the life of today. Love has an abiding quality that defies the passing of time. Maybe you should elaborate on your approach to the question raised. How you live your life will influence the way you feel about it in later times. My journey has been a happy one; that happiness is part of my happy present.
     
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