Iraqi

Northland

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Northland,
This is a very interesting story. I can't blame you for first sending a canary into the mine. Don't beat yourself up about not self-identifying as an Iraqi-American. Everyone here is under a pseudonym, anyway. We all show only as much as we want to to the Internet. That's the beauty of the medium. Instead of anonymously watching TV, we can anonymously converse with each other.

Have you been back to Iraq since you left? Do you identify with Iraqi culture in any way, or have you become completely culturally an American?
Thank you, JustAsking. Yes, past encounters left me wary of entering here as I realize I should have. Although I speak against prejudice, I still have difficulty saying at the start who I am. I had never before; however, stooped to such a level of denial as claiming to be 'whiter than white'. My ancestors must have died again at that moment! My personal regret for this error will stay with me eternally, no matter how many variables I try to apply.

To your questions now: I returned to Iraq three times. The first in 1965, the second in 1972 and the last time was in 1995- at a time when the danger was lurking everywhere. Najaf was not one of Saddam's favored towns, and when I returned there I could see his handiwork everywhere. It was my longest stay, and I remained for 4 full months. I have not been back since, and truly have no desire to go back again. It is a land which means little to me- it could just as well be Jakarta as far as the hold it has upon me. There is no real family there for me- those who are not dead, are grouped into two distinct sections: Those who want me to get them into the U.S. (or at least away from there), they dislike me for having been raised with 'wealth'- if only they knew (free lunch programs, surplus food, donated clothes from other families, etc. etc.) and those who despise me for having left- um, hello- I was a baby, I didn't make the choice! Only one ever sends correspondence- which is a drag since I then need to get it translated. He is kind in his own way; but always wants something- and money is not an easy thing to send there.

One of my biggest regrets has been not being at all connected to my own culture- that is, the culture of my native land. Being brought to the U.S. as a baby, before I even began to speak or crawl, I was essentially removed from that heritage. My mother for whatever reason, spoke rarely of her homeland or of family still there. My father, disappeared from our home for several years, and then died under strange circumstances shortly after his return- I was 14 at the time.

My mother raised me as much as an American as was possible- given the last name, it was always in close proximity. We attended Christian Churches- Methodist, Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic, Seventh Day Adventists- she seemed to be running from the past herself. She wore American clothes from my earliest recollections, although never pants. Always dresses which always had a high collar-line and a length to below the knees. My siblings- 2 sisters, 2 brothers- were older than myself and none of them expressed interest in the homeland either. Citizenship was encouraged in our new land and I became a citizen when I was 24- which angered my mother, since I could have done it earlier.

Lastly, although one brother and both sisters speak the native tongue, my other brother is like me and does not. He is an odd one since he was nearly 5 years of age when we left; but he swears he cannot speak the language. Our mother forbade it being uttered in our many homes- so I never got a good ear for it. As to the food of the land- I have disgustingly American tastes- burgers, fries, steaks, ice cream- most foods which are considered health hazards! My mother cooked American foods- many from cans or pre-frozen. Bread was from Pepperidge Farm (a bland tasting white bread that nearly cut the tongue it was so hard).


Clearly, I have trouble silencing my fingers and mind and since this board does have limitations, I would perhaps be best to do it elsewhere.