Is an OPEN RELATIONSHIP a new standard for gays?

luka82

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LaFemme, glad you're interested in the issue and have experience with it, but the question was aimed at gay men, not straight women, and gay men ARE much more open to open relationships than straight women are.
As a gay man I`m more than interested in what every member of this site thinks about this matter.
I have never said that this is a GAY ONLY topic.
There are a lot of things one sexual category can learn from the other.
 

rtg

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As a gay man I`m more than interested in what every member of this site thinks about this matter.
I have never said that this is a GAY ONLY topic.
There are a lot of things one sexual category can learn from the other.
+1
We are all just people in the end :smile: I think everyone has differing views, whether gay, straight, bisexual, asexual...

I'm much like LaFemme, I'm a penguin. My nature is also much too jealous and possessive of my other hald to deal with sharing :redface:
 

freeballininnyc

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I've just never understood the point of open relationships. I think, and get ready to flame out on me, that it comes from someone being selfish, immature, and insecure. You can make all the arguments you want about "this is what works for us" blah blah blah. If you're really honest, one of the two people involved in the relationship exhibits one of the above characteristics and the other person isn't totally on board with the "openness" of the situation. In a relationship, I need to feel that you're giving something up to be with me and I want you to feel the same way. Sure, that's selfish too, but it's more along the lines of only sharing your deepest secrets with someone you love and less along the lines of sleeping with whomever you desire.
 

Countryguy63

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I've just never understood the point of open relationships. I think, and get ready to flame out on me, that it comes from someone being selfish, immature, and insecure. You can make all the arguments you want about "this is what works for us" blah blah blah. If you're really honest, one of the two people involved in the relationship exhibits one of the above characteristics and the other person isn't totally on board with the "openness" of the situation. In a relationship, I need to feel that you're giving something up to be with me and I want you to feel the same way. Sure, that's selfish too, but it's more along the lines of only sharing your deepest secrets with someone you love and less along the lines of sleeping with whomever you desire.

Ya know, when you say "You can make all the arguments you want.....", and then follow with "If you're honest....", you're bsaically saying "If you don't see it my way, you're lying" Hmmmm:cool:
 
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blazblue

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I've just never understood the point of open relationships. I think, and get ready to flame out on me, that it comes from someone being selfish, immature, and insecure. You can make all the arguments you want about "this is what works for us" blah blah blah. If you're really honest, one of the two people involved in the relationship exhibits one of the above characteristics and the other person isn't totally on board with the "openness" of the situation. In a relationship, I need to feel that you're giving something up to be with me and I want you to feel the same way. Sure, that's selfish too, but it's more along the lines of only sharing your deepest secrets with someone you love and less along the lines of sleeping with whomever you desire.

Sorry but the best relationships are those where that person fully embraces you for who you really are. One should not have to give anything up to be with someone. And open relationships being selfish, immature, and insecure? Not so. Open relationships take the drama out of relationships since jealously and possessiveness are taken out of the equation. Sharing is caring.

It seems to me that maybe you might have some jealousy and possessiveness issues.
 

LaFemme

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LaFemme, glad you're interested in the issue and have experience with it, but the question was aimed at gay men, not straight women, and gay men ARE much more open to open relationships than straight women are.

My apologies to you and every other gay man who was offended by my (mostly) hetero female presence in this thread! I hope no gays were harmed in the forming of my opinion! :tongue:

As a gay man I`m more than interested in what every member of this site thinks about this matter.
I have never said that this is a GAY ONLY topic.
There are a lot of things one sexual category can learn from the other.

Love you sweetie, and thank you for accepting what I have to say. :hug:
 
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Willifred

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It`s becoming really hard to find a guy who is looking for a monogamous relationship. Even my friends who are in LTR relationships in time have started being open.
Maybe it`s just an illusion, but that`s how I see it.

I would suggest that perhaps you are looking for a relationship that isn't suited to the circles you move in. Just where you find the guy who wants long term commitment is the hard part though.
 

TripHammer

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For better or worse, as I was growing up and having sex (quick, "forbidden", and often random sex (this WAS Alabama in the 80s and 90s after all), I seem to have wired myself to liking it that way.
For years, I HATED myself for the way I would enter into relationships with the best of intentions, only to find myself very quickly being NOT attracted to the guy, sexually. Which keeps me from "performing."
Do I WANT to want to be monogamous? Jebus, yes! But I'm not wired that way.
After years of being alone and not in a relationship at ALL, I've decided to make it work for me, and compromise by being in an open relationship. And that's all ANYone can do -- make their relationships work for THEM.
 

Infernal

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I've just never understood the point of open relationships. I think, and get ready to flame out on me, that it comes from someone being selfish, immature, and insecure. You can make all the arguments you want about "this is what works for us" blah blah blah. If you're really honest, one of the two people involved in the relationship exhibits one of the above characteristics and the other person isn't totally on board with the "openness" of the situation. In a relationship, I need to feel that you're giving something up to be with me and I want you to feel the same way. Sure, that's selfish too, but it's more along the lines of only sharing your deepest secrets with someone you love and less along the lines of sleeping with whomever you desire.

When I was in my 20's the idea of an open relationship offended me. Deeply. I had a few good relationships with some great people, and those relationships were monogamous. It worked for us. Then I had a relationship that fucked me over. I took some time to examine what is important to me. What I can compromise on and what I can't. Honesty is important to me. Very important. I have no tolerance for lies or deception of any kind, and I will not compromise on it.

My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. Due to some health issues, my sex drive has declined over the years and is pretty low. He's like a teenager who gets an erection every time the wind blows. I can go weeks without it, and after a few days, he's humping my leg like a dog. We discussed an open relationship as a way to satisfy that need. My requirement was complete honesty about it, 100% safe sex all the time, and no emotional entanglements. I don't want or need to know names, or what they did, just that it is happening. He asks if I mind if he goes out. I say yes, unless I'm in the mood myself. He requires the same for me. We communicate about it. If I feel it's happening too much, I speak up and we figure out where the communication breakdown is. If I want to go out, I ask. Our relationship is great in so many other ways. It isn't fair in the long run for either of us to deny that pleasure due to our drives not being in sync. All things considered, it's just sex. I know who he comes home to and looks forward to sleeping with each night.

While it may seem that this is a standard for gay men. I don't believe it is, but relationships take on many forms. An open relationship is just one of them. I think it appears as a standard because it is what you see. In chat forums, hookup sites, clubs, etc. What you don't see is the people who have long term monogamous. A far smaller number of them tend to be present online.
 

NYHoti

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In a short answer as to if an open relationship is a new standard for gay relationships. No. I have dated men and women and people always ask me if when I am with one sex do I want to fool around with the other sex. If that was the case, I wouldn't be in a relationship. When I give my heart to someone, they get everything and it is only for them. I was in a long relationship before (12 years) and it wasnt a good one for several years but I wouldnt have gone elsewhere for sex even though we only had sex 2-3 times a year. I am now in a new relationship and I couldnt imagine having sex with anyone else. He is younger than me and wants to have sex all the time. He makes me feel like a teenager again and I love it. But he is the only one I want to have sex with even when I get other offers.
So, again it is not the new standard for gays to be in open relationships.

I love you Paul - just a shout out.
 

erratic

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I am like La Femme. I can't do an open relationship. My two cents:

- People who like monogamous relationships are hard to find because they're not looking. That is, after all, the hallmark of monogamy: You stop going to the check-out once you've purchased. (It doesn't mean you don't go window shopping, of course.) So until a monogamous couple breaks up, those guys are off the market.

- People in non-monogamous relationships are easier to find because they're still going to the check-out.

- Lots of people say they want to be in non-monogamous relationships, but balk at the idea of the other partner sleeping with someone else. This renders many relationships effectively monogamous, even though one or both partners expresses the desire for non-monogamy. (My first boyfriend was this way. He loved the idea of him sleeping with other guys, but hated the idea of me sleeping with other guys.)

- Lots and lots of heterosexual couples are effectively non-monogamous, but they keep it on the DL or just cheat on each other.
 

CheeseBurgerNYC

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I absolutely hate the idea of an "Open Relationship". *They leave too much room for errors. You can only watch self and you'll never really know what your significant other is doing when you're not around to watch them. You're only forces to believe what they tell you.

I personally choose to NEVER have an open relationship and if the person I'm dating wants otherwise, I'll be forced to end the relationship.

In the famous words of Britney Spears "Monogamy Is the Way to Go" (Breathe on Me - 2003)* :tongue:
 

D_CountVonBhigBohner

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My gf and I are both bi and have been in an open relationship for 2 years now. We have periods of where it gets a little weird for the other person. However, we respect each others sexual preference and are mature enough to make it work.

It may not be for everyone, but it works for us.
 

freeballininnyc

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Quote:
Ya know, when you say "You can make all the arguments you want.....", and then follow with "If you're honest....", you're bsaically saying "If you don't see it my way, you're lying" Hmmmm

I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that in open relationships, at least one, if not both, are to some degree dissatisfied with the openness.

Quote:
Sorry but the best relationships are those where that person fully embraces you for who you really are. One should not have to give anything up to be with someone. And open relationships being selfish, immature, and insecure? Not so. Open relationships take the drama out of relationships since jealously and possessiveness are taken out of the equation. Sharing is caring.

It seems to me that maybe you might have some jealousy and possessiveness issues.

I'm calling bullshit. If you're not giving up anything, for example, dating other people, then you're not in a relationship. I also find it hard to believe, as you seem to indicate, that because of the freedom to sleep with whomever you choose, there is no drama. Of course there. There's always drama of some kind -it's called life. I still go back to it being a child's mentality of "but this is what I waaaaannnntttt". And just because I don't happen to agree with you doesn't mean I have jealousy or possessiveness any more than the next person. I just want someone who is loyal and to me that means, for as long as we're together, we're only sleeping with each other.
 

FuzzyKen

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I am in a committed monogamous relationship and have been in this relationship for well over a dozen years now.

There are a number of reasons that the monogamous relationships are not seen. Those in this kind of relationship tend to be less social and do not frequent clubs, bars, baths or other social gatherings in the same way as do those who are interested in multiple partners or variety. They set up life with their partners and stay in that life unless they are separated by something.

I know of many 30 and 40 year plus relationships in the gay community and this is not only gay men but gay women as well. There was a couple that lived next to one of my best friends in Palm Springs that were absolutely amazing. They were women and both had been together for over 50 years. One was losing her eyesight and nearing her 80's, the other had developed Alzheimer's but could see perfectly. The one with Alzheimer's did the driving and was constantly coached by the blind one on where she was going and that went on for well over a decade. They have both passed on now and I think very fondly of both and how hard they fought to maintain their own independence.

The orientation really doesn't matter in this question, it is how the brains of the individuals are wired. Open relationships require a large number of compromises in both partners. Some people can live with these compromises very well and prosper under them, others cannot and the relationship or relationships fail. If that is understood from the beginning and there is good communication it is a great deal better.

My other-half and I discussed a number of options and neither one of us were comfortable with the compromises necessary to make an open relationship work.

The next thing is that there are multiple definitions of "open". In some cases individuals perceive this as bringing home single or multiple additional partners and both partners participate in group sex with the outside sex partners but always do it together. In other cases, the open partners do not want knowledge at all of what is going on and say, "OK, you can have a great time, but, don't tell me and I don't want to know about it.

My main concern these days with open would be STD's. My partner and I were both tested many years ago before choosing the monogamous route we did. Because we are monogamous and because we have chosen this route we are able to prevent the introduction of illness into our relationship.

I am not bigoted towards mixed relationships where one partner is sero-positive and the other is negative as long as these individuals know where everything is at from the beginning. They are then making an informed choice. Before meeting my partner I had dates with many sero-positive men and to this day still call many of them friends.

One of the compromises that one has to make with open is that one has to adhere to all the rules of having sex with a total stranger and apply them to their partner. To me this may add spice, but it would also take away the romance that builds over the years together.

It is a personal choice that does work for some people.

It has been said by another poster that he felt that this type of relationship was multiplying. I do not feel that to be the case at all. I was in Palm Springs which was for a time "the gay mecca" and based on social circles found a very high percentage of gay men who lived very quiet or what some would call "picket fence" lives and simply abandoned the gay scene when they found the form of love and romance they wanted with the individual they loved.

The other thing I found was that many would talk of open relationships and when they actually fell in love with the person they met all thoughts of open absolutely positively died right on the spot. Things can change in this one if the chemistry is right.
 

ladsonbehr49

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relationships are no relationships in my eyes. I would rather be alone than be with someone in that relationship. I find it amusing that a man will say he has the greatest partner alive and if that is true, why are you in a open relationship if he is the greatest thing in the world? At least you are not alone and have someone to share expenses and have dinner with at least.
 

VernalTiger

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I'm calling bullshit. If you're not giving up anything, for example, dating other people, then you're not in a relationship.

So relationships are all about sacrifice, deprivation and denial? Sounds healthy.
 

D_CountVonBhigBohner

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Originally Posted by freeballininnyc [URL]http://www.lpsg.org/images/buttons/viewpost.gif[/URL]
I'm calling bullshit. If you're not giving up anything, for example, dating other people, then you're not in a relationship.


Good for you!!!

That's your opinion and perspective. What may not work for you, may work for others. Stop confusing fact with opinion.