Is asking "Do you cheat" inappropriate?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by DV8, Jul 16, 2010.

  1. DV8

    DV8
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    I'm just curious about the input of others on this site. If a man tells that he's bi and married, is it inappropriate to ask him if he cheats? Personally, I feel that it isn't. He brought the topic of his marriage up, and considering that he's on a big dick site, it makes me curious.
     
  2. Pendlum

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    Do you really expect an honest answer most of the time? If they cheat, why would they be above lying about it? At best I'd say you will get a "I have cheated in the past, but there were certain circumstances" or something like that. I'd also say the question itself makes you sound jealous and possessive from the get.
     
  3. DV8

    DV8
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    I'm not jealous by any means, I was just curious. Some bi men do, some bi men don't.
     
  4. Lex

    Lex
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    Hmmm... I think it's more inappropriate to assume that someone is cheating because they are under those circumstances. I was married and coming out (at one time) and was in a mixed-orientation marriage where I had permission to have encounters with men. I know other men and women in similar situations.

    Do you have an interest in this guy? Why do you care otherwise? I'm curious.
     
  5. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I think the most appropriate way would be to ask if he has an open relationship.
     
  6. Pendlum

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    It stems from the chat, Lex.

    Frankly, some people cheat, some people don't. It's unfair to pick on bi people with that statement imo.
     
  7. DV8

    DV8
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    I didn't assume. I just asked. I wasn't judging him for it. There are no harsh words, just asked. And no interest in him- just asked. Didn't really care either way. The only reason I started this thread was just to input to know if it was socially acceptable or not on this site.

    Agreed, Ms. Agreed.
     
  8. Lex

    Lex
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    Thanks for the clarification and I agree with your second point.

    I think that question is a very personal one and that asking about the open relationship is a better way to get at that question. Even then, in the chat room, I would probably have asked in private.
     
  9. DV8

    DV8
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    I respect that and you're right. Thank you :)
     
  10. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    I never asked that question because it never seemed appropriate. MY first love and I were both new to the world of sex. My college roommate and my housemate when Iwas a teacher in Seattle were sexual innocents when I met them . In all three cases we bonded as friends, loving friends, before we ever had sex. We all took these loving sexual relationships to be temporary, but the partings were difficult. One thing I can say about these relatonshiips is that the love that prompted them in the first place and mad the sex so wonderful has remained to this day. I loved them then and I love them still. And, yes, they remain sexually attractive to me to this day.

    When love is the binder cheating is simply not a problem. IMHO.
     
  11. DV8

    DV8
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    ooooook.
     
  12. dolfette

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    you're asking him just because he happens to be bi and here?

    that's just plain rude!

    to someone who takes their vows seriously, who believes that cheating is morally abhorrent, you may as well ask if they're a rapist or an animal abuser.

    you're calling his morals into question.
     
  13. petite

    petite New Member

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    I'm on the side of "it's an offensive question" myself. You would be offending me if you asked me that question after I get married, regardless if I'm looking at penises on cam or not. I don't think that gives anyone "reasonable doubt" to assume that cheating behavior is going on.

    Lots of men have assumed that since I'm in a relationship and in video chat that I must be cheating and it's put me off considerably.

    Just my presence here, even though I'm in a relationship doesn't mean that I'm a cheater and I'd be offended by the assumption, since I don't cheat and I find cheating morally reprehensible.

    A safer question would be, "Is your spouse comfortable with you being here?" which assumes that the spouse knows and that the person you are talking to isn't engaged in any wrongdoing, but brings up the issue of how that person's spouse feels about his/her camming activities.
     
  14. dolfette

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    watching cams is just like going to a strip club.
     
  15. petite

    petite New Member

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    Well, watching cams would be like going to a strip club if strippers never actually touched the men. Sometimes things can actually get physical in a strip club.

    And camming can get much more personal and emotional than in a strip club, since both people can be home alone and begin sharing very personal information. Looking at boobs or a penis is less dangerous IMO than talking about one's personal problems and sharing things you wouldn't share with just anyone with someone that you find physically attractive. I think you can cross a line on cam without ever taking any of your clothes off that you can't cross if you just look at someone jack off and you never share anything personal with them. But that also depends on your definition of "cheating" and what would fit into that definition. Some people would be more bothered by sexual activity than an emotional connection, and others vice versa.

    Strip clubs are something some women are fine with and others aren't. A had a friend who went went to the club with her husband. Some guys do it as a social activity together, but they would never go alone. TheBF has gone to strip clubs with his co-workers while on business trips, but he calls me first and I've always said, "Have fun! Tell me what happens!" because that doesn't bother me at all because of who he is and the relationship we have together. TheBF's co-worker said that we have to keep it a secret because his girlfriend would be very angry (which is ridiculous, he would never cheat on her) so it's obviously different in every relationship.

    What I'm saying is that you really can't assume that what one person is doing violates that person's mate's trust and making that assumption is offensive.
     
  16. exwhyzee

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    I would think a more interesting question would be "How do you express your bisexuality in your heterosexual marriage?" Maybe he simply looks at porn, maybe he imagines his wife as Brad Pitt. Perhaps he cybers with guys. Maybe he just puts those feeling on a shelf in the closet and ignores them. There are so many shades in this circumstance, but I would be interested to see how he articulates his self acknowledged attraction to men.
     
  17. DV8

    DV8
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    Okay, everyone calm down- I get it- it was rude. I've already acknowledged that. But I will go ahead and say that with this site, you can't really blame me. And no, I wasn't picking on someone because they're bi- because again- on this site- when it comes to a lot of men, the only difference between a bisexual one and a straight one is the fact that one of them is lying. There are other men here, who are married that I've never asked that question to- I think I asked him because he sent me pictures of his dick at one point and said a few things. I just don't really recall too much about him... but anyway- yeah. I get and understand that the question can be quite curt- but do you straight up ask someone their penis size? No, and yet it's done everyday. People message me all the time with off the wall shit, so I guess after a while, I'm somewhat like "Okay, lets skip the formalities. Are you or are you not a douchebag who's about to ask me something that's effing ridiculous?" It's not fair to hold everyone to the same standards. So you're right.

    And to those who are gay and were married, or married and gay, or what have you- please, don't tell me about how hard it is deal in that situation. My dad was gay- believe me- I know exactly how hurtful it can be, and I can assure you, it was a lot more painful for me.
     
    #17 DV8, Jul 17, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2010
  18. Riven650

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    Hetro, bi, gay... doesn't make any difference to me. We're all people. But I know what it's like to be very badly hurt by someone cheating on me. I don't think it unlikely that I might ask a future lover if they believe in fidelity. I think that's as much as you can ask. It probably isn't realistic to expect guarantees.
     
  19. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I think that's a reasonable question to ask someone you are entering a relationship with. Personally, I believe in monogamy. A FB of mine has a ridiculously bad track record with fidelity, so I know we would never work well together.

    It's all a question of WHEN, HOW and WHY the person is asking IMO.
     
  20. Riven650

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    Bloody right mate.
     
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