Is BDSM a type of sexual expression? Could my partner be asking for this lifestyle?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by galaxus, Feb 19, 2012.

  1. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    My partner last night had a couple of drinks, tripped, and scrapped her knee. She was having a great time up until that point. She thought she embarrassed me, when she really didn't at all. She told me to punish her.... she told me that it was ok to hit her..... to have my way with her....

    Of course I didn't...... I love her. I never want to hurt her. But it seems like that's what she wants me to do..... even when she has nothing to drink.... I was disturbed that she asked me to hit her..... I thought it was insulting to even ask me to do that....... I'm not that type of man.....But I do want to give her what she wants.... We do have rough sex frequently because she likes that and asks for it...... but its never out of anger....

    Do you believe this is unhealthy? Have you experienced other men or women like this? Is this part of some sort of sexual fixation or something that needs counseling?
     
  2. ClawdineKitten

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    BDSM is a lifestyle for some people, and many people enjoy on the side also. The bdsm community has many rules and guidelines that they wish their members to live by also.

    As to being unhealthy, I don't believe it is. But this is just my opinion I think it can be take to an unhealthy point if it goes to far though.
     
  3. hunkydory

    hunkydory Member

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    It's not unhealthy - I think in fact, there is something positive about knowing what you like and sharing that with your partner. It is just awkward if one person is not comfortable with it. Talk to her about what her fantasy is, and what she would like specifically - is it a rape fantasy, you talking dirty to her or whatever and maybe go as far as you can. You may find it turns you on too. Slapping someone during sex - when they are asking for it - can be exciting. (It is no reflection on loving her, it's not the same thing as slapping someone in anger at all). Just my 2 cents.
     
  4. hud01

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    spanking, yes, light slap on the face, maybe, out and out hit...no
     
  5. hunkydory

    hunkydory Member

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    ps I know lots of people into bdsm and it is not necessarily a lifestyle for most of them. Lifestyle is a 24/7 thing, for most of my friends (gay and straight) it stays in the bedroom. From what you have said counseling is not in order, try and be a little playful with it and don't get weirded out by it. It is kind of awesome she feels comfortable letting you in on her fantasies. A lot couples don't share that stuff with each other, which is why sex with strangers has so much appeal for a lot of people. (Now thats 4 cents worth).
     
  6. hunkydory

    hunkydory Member

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    yeah, agree with that! (I wasn't talking about anything hard, and certainly not punching, lol)
     
  7. D_Phil_Doneafew

    D_Phil_Doneafew Account Disabled

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    My bf and I were having sex once and I got a bit to into it. I told him to really get rough that I was not going to break. He kinda wierded out on me. It did not kill the mood but it sure dampened it. Too bad when he does get rough it is amazing. Love getting my ass slapped, makes me cum everytime.
     
  8. ClawdineKitten

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    I love that too, I'm pretty heavy into bdsm, and I'm slowly getting my boyfriend into it more all the time.
     
  9. D_22

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    I got my ex girl into it. She was heavily weirded out by it initially but I created a monster.
     
  10. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    One person's trash is another person's treasure when it comes to kinks. Just try it out, take it slow, talk about it along the way. Keep the communication level high. Be willing to make sacrifices and negotiate things the other partner enjoys as a part of the entire agreement to please one another when you are going out of your way like this so all parties get something out of it.

    She might get her way in the bedroom while you, say for example, get your way with chores or something else. Sometimes these things are bartered out in a beautiful way. If you want to talk about it privately, by all means you know where to find me.
     
  11. erratic

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    I think there's much wisdom in here.

    Of course neither of you is doing anything inherently unhealthy, galaxus. She likes a bit of punishment, and you're uncomfortable hitting someone. Nothing weird there at all. Her asking you sounds like a sign that she trusts you, and you accommodating is a sign that you're a giving partner.

    The key for both of you, though, is to establish rules about it. Do this when you're not horny at all (though talking about it may make you horny). What is allowed? How far is too far? What will be the universal signal for both of you to be able to back out? What does she want? What are you uncomfortable doing? How do you renegotiate this agreement (people change, after all)?

    Your partner has every right to ask you to help her express her kinks, without hard feelings; however, you have every right to say "this is too far for me," again without hard feelings. And seeing as she's looking for some physical power play, I strongly recommend you talk safety.
     
  12. sizequeenNY

    sizequeenNY New Member

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    You should discuss this with her out of the bedroom in a non sexual setting. If it is something she wants to explore as a sexual interest and you are open to the same thing then go for it. If she wanted to be punished as a form of abuse then it is very unhealthy. There are different reasons why people get into this type of play and it has the potential to be amazing. If her perspective is from abuse then be careful
     
  13. MickeyLee

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    the OP's relationship is a shaking one.
    a lil post history search might be wise before encouraging folks down a certain path.

    considering ya recent relationship history?
    BDSM is the very last kink y'all should explore.
    the chance for real abuse is too great.

    i'm not saying anything to be snarky, this is genuine concern here.

    eta: the abuse could go either way, not just toward Ms. Galaxus. the chance of him finding himself in a bad place/manipulated/obligated etc is there.

    she sounds exhausted, sorta burnt down.
    both of you.
    as an outsider i can see a touch of desperation for a resolution/finality.
     
    #13 MickeyLee, Feb 20, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2012
  14. Infernal

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    It's just another shade in the whole spectrum of human sexuality. I have some passing interest in it, but I'm just not sure how to go about exploring it. I don't want to explore it with my partner because I'm afraid he will take it to someplace disrespectful. I think as long as everything is consensual, it's fine.
     
  15. ClawdineKitten

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    I got a few books off Amazon that are wonderful. I have the bdsm bible too. If you are interested in it like I was at the time, I recommend picking up a book or two. It is a fascinating whole new world.
     
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