You may be right. I am a well adjusted, relatively intelligent professional woman with all my own teeth. Attractive too... but men do not respond to me. Old men do seem to like me but...
Is Being Too Intelligent a Drawback to Finding a Mate?
- Thread starter earllogjam
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Principessa
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Seems like the smarter you are, the smaller the number of people who won't bore you with their stupidity which greatly reduces prospects for any fulfilling relationship.
Does being too smart or educated reduce your chances of having a happy long term relationship because there is less chance of you finding an equal? It would seem so.
Some extremely smart people I know are lonely souls or have short lived relationships and I always wondered why. They are nice people, attractive, and social; why are they alone? I find that a lot of well educated people especially scientists, mathematecians, and engineers lack social skills. Some genuinely have Asperger's while others often border on the savant. That is not meant to be a criticism just an observation.
Perhaps the smart people here would like to comment...
1) There are so many terrible, sexless relationships/marriages. Maybe the intelligent people are just the ones smart enough to not get stuck in them.
I dunno about that.
2) Don't the Playboy models always say they love intelligent guys? LOL:biggrin1: I thought they all liked kittens, crocheting and baking apple pies in the nude.
3) There are two ways to look at it. Is being intelligent less attractive to others? Or does being intelligent mean you will be less attracted to most people?
I think most people would be attracted to someone intelligent as long as they were not a snob about it and willing to accept their partner's intelligence level, so I don't think the problem is finding a potential mate for a long-term relationship. Unless, of course, the intelligence and education has retarded their social skills. BINGO! I think this is a bigger problem than many people realize.
Yes, I'm less attracted to less intelligent women. I know guys that say they don't care if a woman is as smart as them, but I like smarter women. So I agree with the original poster for the most part. If you're intelligent and want to meet someone intelligent you have to work harder to find a mate you like.
I don't know why the smart people have short lived relationships. Did you ever ask them why the relationships didn't work out? Intelligence aside it is often the little things that will break up a relationship. Things like toothpaste squeezed in the middle, wet towels on the floor, putting olive oil in the refrigerator. That is what will end a relationship.
I think a lot of 'intelligent' people use their intelligence like a weapon, they're not content to just enjoy a good conversation, they have to prove in every conversation that they know best, in that case intelligence is a drawback to finding a mate, but even without that intelligence that person might not find a mate because of their competetive nature.
Principessa
Expert Member
Well those people are arrogant assholes and I would not be attracted to them anyway. :tongue:
I'd say the same thing. Asshole-ness knows no IQ. :wink:
The kind of intelligence I like to see doesn't need to be demonstrated. It'll reveal itself more and more through regular conversation. No stilted, manufactured "debating" necessary.
It would seem from reading the responses here that if one were to be so unfortunate to be cursed with a higher than average 'intellect', one had better hope not to be a gay male!
Apparently the women do admire intelligent (straight) men, so they are okay. Almost all men like to think they are smarter than their girlfriends, which is okay because most women are smart enough to hide their intellects if they have one, or smart enough to find an intelligent boyfriend.
The problem seems to be only a gay male thing. Because gay males are still males, they like to think they are smarter than their boyfriend, which is NOT okay for smart boyfriends.
And two smart guys together is bound to cause a fair bit of friction (since gay males are still males and therefore subject to testosterone), so these relationships tend to be stormy when they do occur.
So that's my take on the issue.
Apparently the women do admire intelligent (straight) men, so they are okay. Almost all men like to think they are smarter than their girlfriends, which is okay because most women are smart enough to hide their intellects if they have one, or smart enough to find an intelligent boyfriend.
The problem seems to be only a gay male thing. Because gay males are still males, they like to think they are smarter than their boyfriend, which is NOT okay for smart boyfriends.
And two smart guys together is bound to cause a fair bit of friction (since gay males are still males and therefore subject to testosterone), so these relationships tend to be stormy when they do occur.
So that's my take on the issue.
Not_Punny
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My ex (who's gay and a very dear friend) has way above average intellect. However, he chooses sig/others who are less intelligent than him. Charming and highly creative people, but not particularly smart at all.
So I wonder -- GASP!! -- does that mean that I'm not as smart as I thought...? (I mean, he did pick me once!)
Anyone know any brain exercises?? (Just kidding!) :biggrin1:
So I wonder -- GASP!! -- does that mean that I'm not as smart as I thought...? (I mean, he did pick me once!)
Anyone know any brain exercises?? (Just kidding!) :biggrin1:
I am an engineer and a published author and a bit of a subject matter expert on sexual topics and an exhibitionist (strange mix, but not for this site) and I am very successful and respected in all these circles. I find intelligence terribly attractive, and I know from experience that my intellect is one of the key facets that compelled my wife’s attention.
I can recall years ago, when we were in college, first dating, and I began showing her some of my designs, and she became flustered and needed to leave my place. She later told me that she was afraid of what she might do, or let me do, if she’d stayed. My intelligence, my ability to show her things that she’d not seen and considered before was overwhelmingly sexy.
And who says nerds aren’t sexy?
So, no I don’t find my intellect to be a problem. True, I don’t have many friends because a lot of people do bore me. People like me will go very long periods of time without finding another person of the same intellect, but when they do (like with my wife and I) it’s very exciting. I’m not a competitive intellectual, I’m very comfortable in my own intelligence and don’t feel I need to be bothered competing, what I know speaks for itself. My wife is a competitive intellectual, so sometimes I get on her nerves, because she’s always trying to outdo me, and this is a very difficult thing to do.
I can see where a male\male relationship would be more prone to the competition, but it’s all about personality. I’m sure there are brilliant gay male couples out there who get along just fine.
A last thought, we intellectuals need to learn to speak plain English if we want to have more friends, sometimes it’s our own fault we are bored in various circles, no one is making us seek out such elevated conversation that no one else in the room can speak at that level. We need to speak to the audience if we want to have an audience, because when you speak above the audience they are just as bored listening as we become watching the glazed looks of confusion. Just something I’ve learned over the years.
I can recall years ago, when we were in college, first dating, and I began showing her some of my designs, and she became flustered and needed to leave my place. She later told me that she was afraid of what she might do, or let me do, if she’d stayed. My intelligence, my ability to show her things that she’d not seen and considered before was overwhelmingly sexy.
And who says nerds aren’t sexy?
So, no I don’t find my intellect to be a problem. True, I don’t have many friends because a lot of people do bore me. People like me will go very long periods of time without finding another person of the same intellect, but when they do (like with my wife and I) it’s very exciting. I’m not a competitive intellectual, I’m very comfortable in my own intelligence and don’t feel I need to be bothered competing, what I know speaks for itself. My wife is a competitive intellectual, so sometimes I get on her nerves, because she’s always trying to outdo me, and this is a very difficult thing to do.
I can see where a male\male relationship would be more prone to the competition, but it’s all about personality. I’m sure there are brilliant gay male couples out there who get along just fine.
A last thought, we intellectuals need to learn to speak plain English if we want to have more friends, sometimes it’s our own fault we are bored in various circles, no one is making us seek out such elevated conversation that no one else in the room can speak at that level. We need to speak to the audience if we want to have an audience, because when you speak above the audience they are just as bored listening as we become watching the glazed looks of confusion. Just something I’ve learned over the years.
- sdbg,
There are so many dynamics to attraction. Intelligence is one of them. I like people with whom I can have a meaningful discussion every now and then. I like to talk about various subjects from finance to cars to working out to geology to life after death, etc. I used to work as a waiter while going to college. It seemed like all my coworkers ever talked about was sex, getting high, sex, getting drunk, sex, music, sex . . .
. . . you get the drift. I'm glad to have a job that uses a different part of my intellect than waiting tables. Most of the time it was a glorified track meet. I made good money, though.
. . . you get the drift. I'm glad to have a job that uses a different part of my intellect than waiting tables. Most of the time it was a glorified track meet. I made good money, though.
I know a lot of scientist types. They seem to interact with each other fairly well. Maybe they don't really enloy the company of non-scientist types so don't put much effort into interacting with them.I find that a lot of well educated people especially scientists, mathematecians, and engineers lack social skills. Some genuinely have Asperger's while others often border on the savant. That is not meant to be a criticism just an observation.
Maybe a very small percentage genuinely have Asperger's, but I think people cry "Asperger's" too much. It seems like a vague diagnosis. I mean couldn't we could come up with a set of traits that a lot of the dumbest people have and call it a disorder also?
I usually like it and respect someone that stands up to me if I ever act like that. So perhaps they are just challenging people, and they want someone to stand up to them intellectually. In that way they are weeding out the people they don't want to mate with, leading to loneliness in the short-term with the hope of finding a great long-term relationship.
I love non-scientist types though! I want to hang with people who are not like me! That's what a niche is for. I think that yeah, some science types aren't social, from personal experience of working alongside, but not WITH some. People vary as within groups some people blend amazingly well!
Anyway, I'm "odd" by any scientist's standards. I'm a right and left brainer and it clashes in strange ways, maybe I need a US TV sitcom!
I do agree with Spoiled Princess, some people do use IQ as a weapon. I don't like those kinds of individuals, but then again, they lack social skills and abilities and so it probably cripples them in more important ways.
Anyway, I'm "odd" by any scientist's standards. I'm a right and left brainer and it clashes in strange ways, maybe I need a US TV sitcom!
I do agree with Spoiled Princess, some people do use IQ as a weapon. I don't like those kinds of individuals, but then again, they lack social skills and abilities and so it probably cripples them in more important ways.
DeepCurve
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There are a lot of good thoughts that get aired in this thread. Way too many to attempt to respond to in any rigorous way. It's clear that there are quite a number of persons in this group, of both sexes, who fall into the category of above-average intelligence and ability to articulate their ideas.
But the original question was about whether intelligence causes problems generally in love relationships. To which I would respond that I believe it can, but due not to the intelligence itself per se, but rather to a characteristic which frequently accompanies intelligence: the need to be right.
It has been my observation that highly intelligent people often fall in love with their own intellectual abilities, and that this makes them invest a great deal in being correct. Which is fine if the subject matter is something purely objective, where a right or wrong answer is readily determinable. The trouble is that in any close relationship between humans, a lot of the "truths" are actually quite subjective. And the fact of the matter is that the more firmly you commit to being right, the more vitally important that becomes to you, the more alone you will find yourself.
It can be difficult to listen to what you consider to be error, without anger. (Just try watching the evening news, lol.) But when you're dealing with someone you love, there are times when you have to choose whether the heart or the brain is going to be allowed to speak. In my experience very bright people will choose the brain all too often, to the injury of the heart.
-DC
But the original question was about whether intelligence causes problems generally in love relationships. To which I would respond that I believe it can, but due not to the intelligence itself per se, but rather to a characteristic which frequently accompanies intelligence: the need to be right.
It has been my observation that highly intelligent people often fall in love with their own intellectual abilities, and that this makes them invest a great deal in being correct. Which is fine if the subject matter is something purely objective, where a right or wrong answer is readily determinable. The trouble is that in any close relationship between humans, a lot of the "truths" are actually quite subjective. And the fact of the matter is that the more firmly you commit to being right, the more vitally important that becomes to you, the more alone you will find yourself.
It can be difficult to listen to what you consider to be error, without anger. (Just try watching the evening news, lol.) But when you're dealing with someone you love, there are times when you have to choose whether the heart or the brain is going to be allowed to speak. In my experience very bright people will choose the brain all too often, to the injury of the heart.
-DC
I think what we generally think of as High I.Q. hurts with romance. I don't understand why High I.Q would mean low Emotional Intelligence.
Everyone konws the strotype thay a dumb jock is seens as a better lover. I know in one study Two popular athletics slept with more women (at an university) in one quarter , that the all the grads students in the math dept...did in a year. I'll send the ref if I can find it.
Everyone konws the strotype thay a dumb jock is seens as a better lover. I know in one study Two popular athletics slept with more women (at an university) in one quarter , that the all the grads students in the math dept...did in a year. I'll send the ref if I can find it.
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