Is bisexuality anywhere, everywhere or nowhere?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by durbantom, Oct 22, 2010.

  1. durbantom

    durbantom Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2006
    Messages:
    396
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Durban (ZN, ZA)
    Having read a post from a young person asking if their bisexual status should be announced openly. I replied with my opinion as follows, and would be interested in other people's observations and feelings on the subject.

    ==Quote:===

    Bisexuality seems to be unacceptable by both sides of the sexual continue-um. Most straights and most gays don't understand or accept bisexuality, and in my experience, both sides of the fence seem to feel threatened by it. I get the feeling that both gays and straights might even have a mistrust of bi people.

    I guess people might compare it to a "double agent" in a spy story.

    Bisexuals probably remain closeted and invisible to society, probably all society, gay, straight and even a bisexual society, presuming there is one.

    How do psychologists even get to study this lifestyle / orientation when this category is so difficult.

    With bisexuality being so mysterious, no one seems to know who the bisexuals are, not even the bisexuals. We don't know what percentage of the world is bi, we don't know their shopping habits, musical taste, job description. They seem to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Are they true to themselves? Can they be faithful?
     
  2. True_Blue

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2009
    Messages:
    106
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Denton, Texas
    Verified:
    Photo
    It seems to me that a lot of bi individuals I've met in the past have settled on one end or the other. I have one friend in a live-in relationship with her girlfriend and so she identifies herself as lesbian, but she has told me that she will sleep with the occasional guy to satisfy that urge for meat she sometimes gets. I, personally, just can't understand it. I'm bi, I like guys, I like girls. I have never cheated on any girl in my past, and, though I haven't been with a guy yet, I know that I wouldn't be unfaithful there either.

    Whenever I tell someone that I'm bi I always get the same response (from gay and straight alike). Everyone seems to think that bisexuality is just a stepping stone on the road to being gay. True enough I am more attracted to guys than gals but I do still love women deeply and I know they are going to remain a crucial part of my life. I see myself settling down and having kids but i have also considered the possibility of settling down with a man and adopting kids. I'm not opposed to either idea.

    I'm not going to be gay because someone says so, neither am I going to be straight because someone thinks I should be.
     
  3. rob_

    rob_ Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2009
    Messages:
    548
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    I admit, I don't understand bisexuality, not that I don't believe it exists and accept it.
    It's hard to imagine being attacted sexually and romantically to more than one sex, when one identifies as hetero- or homo-sexual.

    The best reason I can give as to why I would be threatened by bisexuality is that if I were to be in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual, I would feel inadequate. I would always consider myself not giving my partner everything they want or need. That's where the mistrust comes in as well- If I can't give my partner what they want, will they seek it from someone else?
     
  4. dandelion

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2009
    Messages:
    7,867
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    598
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK
    Verified:
    Photo
    I think a lot of gay guys meet a disproportionate number of men married to women/in relationships who are after sex with men. This naturally leads to a suspicion they are really gay but living with a woman for appearance sake. I dont regard that as a threat but there is an element of 'oh no, not another one!' All that is fine for casual sex but if you are interested in a relationship, then someone who feels the need to hide behind a woman is a bad start.
     
  5. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2010
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    6
    I know other people that have experienced similar responses to your own. I find that whole fear of dating a bisexual because OMG THEY MIGHT CHEAT is completely fucking baseless. Straight and gay people have just as much of an opportunity to cheat, it comes down to the integrity of the individual. Why is it so hard for people to believe that a person can fall in love/lust with a person without regard to their hardware?
     
  6. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2010
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    6
    My sister is a class example of this. She met and married a guy that was gay and in the closet. She loved him so much she blinded herself to everything that was wrong in their marriage (his unwillingness to have sex with her, refusal to sleep in the same bed, his denial when she found his collection of gay pornography) and it screwed with her head big time. She finally came to terms with it and got a divorce but it was hell for her. To this day my family feels resentful towards him over this; not because he is gay, but because he chose to hide behind my sister for 14 years with complete disregard for her as a human being.
     
  7. Joseph

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2006
    Messages:
    582
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    49
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Poland
    Verified:
    Photo
    Hey .... we're all different !
    Some bisexual are able to be faithful and some are not ...
    Kinda like ... heterosexuals and homosexuals! DAH!

    I do admit, bisexual MIGHT have higher risks, but there's a lot of variables there. What with what gender.... and the partner too! I do know there are some who are REALLY against bisexuals and that on both fronts.... although I do think there's a bit less hatred from homosexuals.... but still I guess it still works best if both people share the same sexuality.

    I do realize the risks that I might end up with a guy cause no girl will want me, but ... hell, I wouldn't want to deny my likeness for boobies either!
     
  8. Freddie36

    Freddie36 Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2010
    Messages:
    207
    Albums:
    6
    Likes Received:
    27
    Location:
    Netherlands, London, Paris
    It's hard to imagine being attacted sexually and romantically to more than one sex, when one identifies as hetero- or homo-sexual.
    ----
    Some people are not quite romantic...Some people are just "hole diggers" who look for sex and fuck quite indiscriminately as long as they fancy the receiving end.
     
  9. R Lee Shucker

    R Lee Shucker New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2007
    Messages:
    26
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    It is quite likely that every thing in this thread is true, i.e., every form of sexual set up, desire, pattern of desire, predominant preference, living in denial, wanting sometimes one thing and then another - hell, it's all true. There are so many people coming from so many places that just because one thing is true, it doesn't make something else false.
     
  10. B_willy5904

    B_willy5904 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2008
    Messages:
    261
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia - Home in the States visiti
    I have been having sex with both men and women for about 35 years. I clearly identify myself as bi-sexual with the group I run with. But I have a bit of an unusual situation. I am married to a bi woman and we are swingers. We have been swinging with the same group of couples since college and we are all bi. Outside our group of swingers I presume people would think I am heterosexual.

    To the outside world I am a successful businessman, with a beautiful wife and loving children. I do not advertise my sexuality. I do not openly identify myself as bi because of the prejudices and expectations that people unfamiliar with bi-sexuality have.

    When this topic comes up in this forum I have to laugh. There is always a significant amount of discussion around bi-sexuals and cheating. Well I have never been monogamous and I never plan to be. Two of the couples we swing with live with us, and we often have other swinging couples staying at our home for extended periods. I can't think of the last time I only had sex with my wife in a day. It is the norm to wake up in the morning with at least 1 other person besides my wife and I in our bed from sharing the night before. So being unfaithful I probably reinforce the stereotype, but me not having monogamous relationships is a result of my swinging, not necessarily me being bi.

    When we were in college we had several college friends come out of the closet and announce to the world they were gay. I understand it was a huge deal for these friends. They were finally admitting to themselves, as well as everyone they knew, what they were as humans, homosexuals. My bi friends and I always gave these friends lots of love and support, but at the same time we questioned did they need to make such a big deal about it. Some of my bi friends would say look at us we have sex with everyone and we do not make a big deal about it.

    But what my bi friends did not really understand, and I did not for a long time, is the act of coming out is all about acceptance of who you are after years of denying the physical facts. And this starts to get us to the root of the controversy. If a person is heterosexual or homosexual because of who they are physically at birth then what are bi-sexuals?

    And trust me this conversation has been hashed and re-hashed many times over the years in our group.

    For me and my close friends that are bi and swingers, we view ourselves as heterosexuals that participate in homosexual behavior. I do not think that there is anything physiologically that makes me bi. But I do believe that there is something physiologically that makes my gay friends homosexuals.

    Now this is where I have gotten into heated discussions with some of my gay friends that know that I am bi. My gay friends feel that bi-sexuality plays into the hands of the political and religious right. The right say that homosexuality is behavior and is therefore it can be changed. And that is opposed to the more accepted view that homosexuality is physiologically, and therefore bi-sexual behavior weakens that argument.

    I have also been accused by gay friends of denying my homosexuality. Which is completely false. At the same time, I would expect the straight guys that I know to think that I was gay if they knew I was bi. They would think, he has sex with guys he is gay. And life is just not that black and white.

    From a physiological stand point I believe that people are either born heterosexual or homosexual. But from a behavior stand point there is a continuous spectrum of behavior from straight to gay. As a bi-sexual my behavior puts me smack dab in the middle of that behavior spectrum, and that is why I identify myself on LPSG as 50% Straight, 50% Gay because that is what my behavior suggests.

    Now that leads to another question, is sexual orientation physiological or behavioral?
    I believe it is physiological and therefore being bi-sexual is not a sexual orientation.
     
  11. LGX

    LGX Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    St Louis (MO, US)
    I think even psycs are biased towards it. It's always your straight or gay. Sometimes they thrown in you might be bi, but never really go deep into it. A few years back I was trying to find if it was normal to have attractions to both sexes and I never really got a clear answer. Most people would say you're just gay (even gays said it).:confused:
     
  12. LGX

    LGX Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    St Louis (MO, US)
    Not everyone is attracted sexually AND romatically. I happen to be attracted like this: for a woman, it's 70%emotion/30%physical. For a man, it's 100% physical.
     
  13. closetbi

    closetbi New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2009
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NJ, USA

    This.

    Bisexuals exist, get over it. There's like 500 different vesions of this thread. Try to explain to a bisexual person that they aren't, and see how far that gets. Threads like this are about as good as the old ones asking how to change a gay person back to straight. I hate this shit.
     
  14. LGX

    LGX Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2007
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    St Louis (MO, US)
    You took the words out of my mouth. Seems like people don't like bis because it simply kills their argument.
     
  15. MagicJohnsonFan

    MagicJohnsonFan New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2008
    Messages:
    237
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    I've identified as bisexual for almost 30 years and have meet a large number of people - both straight and gay - who are completely confused by bisexuality. Some feel that I'm just in denial about being a lesbian, some think I generally prefer long-term relationships with men because I'm taking the "easy way out", others have just referred to it as "greedy". Whatever. Some people get downright ugly about the whole thing.

    While I believe Willy made some excellent points and articulated them well, I disagree on his point that bisexuals aren't genetically predispositioned like gays are. I honestly believe I was born this way and, while I have the power to control my behavior, I have no control over my inborn desires.

    I don't think bisexuals are any more apt to cheat in relationships than anyone else - I believe that's something in each individual. I've only once been in a relationship with a man in which he didn't like the idea of me having sex with women as well, so I've been fortunate in that. However, in the serious relationships I've had with women, they've been very clear about their expectations of monogamy (one of several reasons I prefer relationships with men). I can completely understand and respect their need for that, but I'm honest enough with myself at this point to know that wouldn't work for me in the long term. I've gone years at a time without being with a woman, but after about 6 months or so I start obsessing until I get a "fix".

    Also, like Willy, my husband and I are swingers. I've been in the lifestyle for many years and have experienced full-swap, although it's been a very long time since then. In our case, we've only been with one other couple during the course of our relationship. All four of us will be on in the room or on the bed, but it's only the women who play and the men either watch or join in with their respective partners. Not everyone understands it, but it works for us.

    I don't go shouting my sexuality from the rooftops, but I "came out" many years ago and can't think of any of my family or friends who are unaware - or at least would be surprised. I wish bisexuality had the same kind of support homosexuality is starting to get, but am lucky to be female since it seems to be more acceptable for at least some semi-erotic behavior between women in mainstream.
     
  16. DavidXL

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    764
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    230
    Gender:
    Male
    Verified:
    Photo
    I think that's very well-said. I'm primarily attracted to women, and am married to one. But, I have always had an interest in men, too. I tend to be attracted to the person, without a lot of regard to gender and I guess anyone is potentially fair game for me. While I have been more interested in women over the course of my life, I have had a number of crushes on guys, a few of which surprised me with their intensity. And I like looking at cocks, though I'm usually less interested in doing something with any one's other than my own. I firmly believe that this is how my brain is hard-wired.

    I have often felt very alone being this way and the pervasive attitude that people with bisexual feelings are in denial and that bisexuality doesn't exist can be pretty damaging to people who know who they are and what they feel, no matter how much other people try to tell them who they are and what they feel.

    I remember when I was in grad school and living in the South. I had just broken up with a girl friend and was unhappy with that, and was dealing with the pressures of school, and impending graduation and a cross country move to start a new job. I was already feeling temporarily overwhelmed, and then a friend made a pass at me while on spring break, catching me completely off guard. We were drunk, but I still wanted to do what I did and actually wanted to explore it more when we got back. My friend, however, layed into me that we had done was wrong, that he was drunk, that he wasn't like this, that it wasn't going to happen again, etc. It made me feel like shit, and I was crushed. Not so much about him particularly, but the feeling that I thought I finally had found someone who was like me, that I was not alone. Except I was wrong.

    I usually am someone who has it all together, but this really rattled me, and I really wanted to talk to someone. I saw a flyer posted at the campus center for a hotline to call if you were troubled by GLBT issues. I know it sounds quaint, but I called the number. I remember hearing in the guy's voice that he was rolling his eyes, that he thought I was in denial about being gay, etc. He just didn't get it. I remember hanging up pretty quickly and felt even worse and more alone than I did before I called. I really wish I had had someone to reach out to instead of internalizing and deal with it all by myself. This was in the early 90s, and pretty much pre-internet era, and I just didn't feel like I had anywhere else to go. One of the reasons I like this site is that it makes me feel less alone and, surprisingly, more normal.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted