Is domestic violence a problem in the gay male community?

rayray

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At least in the United States I think it would be hard to track even if a police report was taken..With what life expierience I have and all of the friends I have had I have never seen much of a problem..The times I have see anything that involved violence was when there was alcohol involved.Aussieone is there anyway you can expand on the question ? Not to change your thread but I think drugs and alcohol to be more prevalent in our community.
 

hairynyc

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I used to volunteer at this LBGT place called The Anti-Violence Project and DV was one of the issues focused on.

From their website

According to available evidence, LGBTQ people are just as likely as heterosexuals to be involved in an abusive relationship. DV is estimated to occur in 25% of all relationships.
LGBTQ people who are victims of domestic violence have specific concerns including:

  • The threat of being "outed" - having one's sexual orientation, gender identity or HIV status disclosed to family, employers, police, religious institutions, the community, or child custody authorities.

  • The myth that abusive behavior is a normal part of LGBTQ relationships.

  • The lack of legal and social service protections and resources available to assist LGBTQ people affected by domestic violence.

  • The false idea that because LGBTQ people's relationships are not legally recognized, the abuse is not serious and the victim should easily be able to leave the relationship.

  • The reinforcement of victims' fears that no one will help because they are LGBTQ or they are "deserving" of the abuse because they are LGBTQ.

  • The myth that what is being experienced cannot be domestic violence because two people of the same sex are assumed to share equal social standing and not be able to abuse power and control.
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Otep

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Is it present in the LGBT community? Sure. Is it a problem? Yes. I wouldn't however necessarily suggest that its a greater problem in the LGBT community than in any other. The fear of reporting can apply as much to closeted individuals as it can to threatened women.

I do think there is a certain level of acceptability for non-recurring violence in LGBT relationships that isn't present in opposite sex relationships. If two male friends get drunk and fight or get into an argument that gets physical and then later make up, no one is going to really see that as a violent relationship. They're going to see it as two friends that got into a fight. If those two friends happen to be in a relationship with each other does that make it different? Should the friendship be looked at as being problematic? People tend to only see a problem when there is a recurring theme of violence.

I have a difficult time arguing with that because I have gotten into physical altercations with both friends and exes in the past but they've always been isolated incidents and I don't consider the relationships abusive. If it was something that was constantly happening or was part of some sort of dominating behavior then I would have a problem with the relationship as a whole. Without that aspect then they're just unfortunate arguments.
 

rbkwp

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known fact

Humans would not be content, if they could not assault / abuse fellow beings huh?
verbal or physical, blame someone else, then cry crocodile tears, poor me & my difficult upbringing .... fuckwits'
 

xmarksbreakdownx

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Starting off, this is a good question, and something I've never considered...

I think the the problem is ignored for a few different reasons. The first being, I don't think it even crosses people's minds that gay people could suffer domestic violence problems too. I for one have never even heard of it happening, and it's never even once crossed my mind.

Second, typically, in straight relationships, the man is abusing the woman. It's generally thought that there is no reason for a man to ever hit a woman, because of the "unfair advantage". Of course beating anyone is wrong, but I'm trying to stay simple here. As far a same sex relationships go, two men fighting seems... Ok. There's no "unfair advantage" like with a man and a woman. People generally think, "Men fight all the time, it's ok." or that "Men usually work out their problems with themselves much better than with women." As far as two women in a relationship go, again, people don't picture it happening. (And if they do, they picture it in a much different way than what's being discussed here...)

In general I don't think anyone pictures gay couples having problems that severe. I think the straight population (I'm going to include myself in this too.) think gay couples are happier in their relationships then straight people, and would never have such a problem. It's hard to explain, but I think people generally think to do something that "out of the norm" or "frowned upon", to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex, it would have to make you insanely happy.

Does that make any sense?

I could be very wrong, but that's just my two cents.
 

michael_3165

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Yes it is a problem... I work in an area where I need to know the demographics of the community and issues with all backgrounds and it's a big issue...

Saying that, in the UK we are very lucky that the police and courts are red hot on violence and particularly when it involves a minority. Gay community is generally more respected by authorities in the UK than some other countries ( U.S included from what I gather ) and we should remember it
 

erratic

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It is a problem, and sadly, due to the lingering stigma of being gay, an under-reported one.

Yes.

And xmarksbreakdownx's analysis of how people think if men fight it's normal is bang-on, too.

Thankfully, it's getting taken a lot more seriously around here these days.
 

Infernal

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I think in some ways men are expected to be physically aggressive, while women are expected to be more emotional. However it works out, violence just isn't acceptable EVER no matter what the gender or orientation is. It is an absolute deal breaker for me.
 

Beta4Alpha

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Physical abuse is one of my relationship-crash-and-burn offenses.

NCbear (who saw it enough as a child to know how damaging it can be in a wider realm than the home and in a broader way than just the physical pain)

This, times a thousand!

I was in a physically abusive relationship when first coming out, stayed in it because I believed I didn't deserve any better. Then when he inevitably tried to kill me, something snapped inside me, I broke things off and never saw him again and since then will not tolerate abuse of any kind.

So, like NCBear, abuse is an irrevocably relationship-ending offense for me.
 

Hydralisk

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Great topic, I’ve never ever considered this.
I’d never hit a women, it’s just the way I’ve been brought up I guess.. I would never be able to harm a woman physically, it’s just beyond me.

Now if you turn the table on the other hand, while I don’t promote violence, I can see how some of the ways a women can provoke me and drive me up the walls would cause me to react in a totally different way should I be arguing with a man.
 

Fenris11

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Domestic Violence is a problem in all walks of life.
Straight, Gay, Lesbian, Asian, Black, White,
Sometimes it is not reported due to it being common place or the 'norm' in some cultures. Sometimes it is manipulation - Children, finances etc involved which makes people feel the need to stay or just to scared to leave. Sometimes it is denial - You believe you deserve this, you believe you will not meet someone else who loves you or just that the person doing it needs help and you feel if you stay you can help them.

Eventually, usually but not all the time, something snaps and you have to get out. Whether this is almost being killed, the abuser turns on the kids or in my case I knew if I did not get out soon I would end up dead by his or by my own hands.
I waited at home one evening, he came in from work and I just knew it was about to start. He had a bad day at work. I had my bags packed and car keys in hand.
He came in screaming at me, he grabbed my neck, I took a knife to his arm and walked out.

I have never seen or heard from him since. But I know, from people that see him about, he has scars on his arm. He tells people it was self inflicted.

On reflection he did need help. People who commit domestic violence need help, counseling etc. But it is not always your responsibility, you need to get out and take care of yourself and any little ones that depend on you. End of
Sadly this is not always the case and some people live with it their entire lives, and some people end up dead due to some sense of needing that stand by the abuser.

Hope this sheds some light..
 

sixtwo190

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The two and only times I've entered into long-term relationships, I have expressed my two deal breakers:

1) If you ever hit me in anger, there will be no conversations, no second chances, so do-overs. we are finished.
2) If you do crystal meth, ditto.