Is excessive self-deprecation annoying?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SilverTrain, Dec 9, 2011.

  1. SilverTrain

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    It begs the question, what is "excessive". But taken as a general query, how annoying is it when people are (perhaps overly) critical of themselves?

    Does it make you question why they are so self-critical? Does it make you want to run (not walk) away from them?

    If there is a shrink in the house, and if so are you taking appointments? :wink:
     
  2. dolfette

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    it's a lamearse way of getting compliments.

    '''ooooohhh, i'm so faaat!!''

    cue 30 minutes of their friends pointing out how great they are.

    in small doses self depreciation can be adorable. in large doses it needs a pie in the face and to grow the fuck up.
     
    #2 dolfette, Dec 9, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2011
  3. MelbourneGirl

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    It is hard. I try and remember when somebody pays me a compliment to just say "Thank you", even if inside I'm thinking "Oh no, I'm not like that at all!".

    I hate it when people seemingly reject my compliments, by being overly self-deprecating, so I try and remember this when others are being generous to me.

    Edit: Thought I had a fly on my laptop screen and spent a while trying to remove it to take it outside - then realised it was dolfette's avatar. D'OH!
     
    #3 MelbourneGirl, Dec 9, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2011
  4. B_enzia35

    B_enzia35 New Member

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    Classic!

    And the answer is yes.
     
  5. Attila the Hung

    Attila the Hung Active Member

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    Anything done to excess gets annoying after awhile whatever it may be, so the answer is yes.
     
  6. petite

    petite New Member

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    Excessive deprecation can be too much and push people away. In general, I'm sort of a fan of self-deprecation, though.

    There's insincere self-deprecation, where a person is insincerely attempting to appear modest or fish for compliments. That's annoying, but sometimes people need compliments. It depends on how the person does it and how often. A person who constantly does it needs to find another way to interact with people and attain validation.

    There's also sincere self-deprecation, sad sacks who might be depressed or have a low self-opinion of themselves and who don't filter those thoughts out of their conversation. If someone is going through a difficult time and that person is feeling down or depressed, being there for that person might be what the person really needs, even if it means listening to that person put him/herself down. Of course, no one wants someone who is always a sad sack around, but people go through hard times sometimes. I rarely question why someone would be down on himself. Some people have had harder lives than others, been less lucky, and they're less forgiving of themselves than they should be.

    I have had friends who felt like they were pushing it too far. I have one friend in particular over the past 20 years who I suspect may be an emotional masochist. I suspect that in some way she experiences some kind of satisfaction from her trials and tribulations. I don't feel like she's returned the support I've provided her over the years, especially since any time I'm going through something she has gone through something worse so that I feel like the conversation turns back to her again and she's really a terrible listener, but I value her friendship for other reasons, including the longevity and the connection to my past, and when she's happy, her personality sparkles. She's a truly interesting person.

    There's also when someone is just being real with you. Is opening up and sharing one's insecurities considered self-deprecating? What's the difference? What's the difference between someone who is honest and self-aware about his or her shortcomings and someone who is self-deprecating? It can be annoying, I suppose if you think someone is always being too hard on his or herself or if someone is always down on himself, but it could be sincere, too, and that person really sees himself that way and he presents himself to the world without any filters.

    I'll say something like, "Oh, I cherry picked the photos in my gallery. I rejected sooo many." I'm just being honest and I'm not looking for someone to disagree with me. If I have a gallery of a dozen photos of myself where I think I look stunning, I really did comb through a couple hundred pictures to choose those. Those are the ones I like the best, but I don't want other people to think that I think I look that good all the time. I do own a mirror.

    I've always been attracted to people who use self-deprecating humor, but that can actually be an expression of confidence, ie, I'm so confident I can poke fun at myself instead of putting other people down. Even without humor, baring one's insecurities or sharing one's imperfections can also be an expression of confidence. It can say to other people that your'e so confident that you don't feel the need to hide all your flaws. I happen to really like people who can laugh at themselves and don't mind making themselves look silly. TheBF doesn't really do too much of that, just a little, but I fell in love with one man a long time ago whose humor was primarily self-deprecating. He was a comedian, too. Of course, it turned out in the end that he really did have a terrible self-esteem, so maybe he's not the best example to use... My point is that I've been drawn to several people specifically because they had a kind of self-deprecating humor that I like.
     
    #6 petite, Dec 9, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2011
  7. SilverTrain

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    Thank you, sweet lady, for taking the time to give such a comprehensive and thoughtful answer. And what insightful feedback it is. :kiss:
     
  8. TurkeyWithaSunburn

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    There does come a point when you start wishing they would find the tallest building and jump off of it since they are just such a horrible human being... just listen to them they'll tell you how horrible they are
     
  9. curious_angel

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    I'm a Brit. We are connoisseurs of this art! As with any art, there's a fine balance that's personal and difficult to define.

    Apparently it is a high risk strategy, but channeling Hugh Grant can't be all bad. Can it?
    Self-deprecation the key to the art of seduction - Telegraph


    I love quirks and eccentricities. Open expression and recognition of such is endearing -- at times the tipping point to friend; to pure lust-worthiness in a potential partner, even long-term love-ability.


    When does it become "excessive"? For me it comes down to motivation. When used as part of a self fulfilling prophecy with a view to justifying failure: too much. As constant manipulation to induce counterarguments and compliments: too much.
     
  10. tallguypns

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    I can tell you from personal experience that it can be incredibly annoying. I've turned off quite a few people here with my constant self-deprecating humor.
     
  11. rob_just_rob

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    It's a useful psychological exercise sometimes.
     
  12. D_Herman_Smellville

    D_Herman_Smellville New Member

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    I find it annoying but I also think about what that person must've been through to feel that bad about themselves
     
  13. sexplease

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    Perhaps a Pavlovian response to poor child rearing. Some people are habituated into getting attention by being the Camp Self-Abuse Director.
     
  14. Drifterwood

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    I was going to defer to Hugh Grant! :frown1:

    Now I have to defer to you as well, which is only right of course :smile:.
     
  15. straightdave10

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    Great topic.

    If there are degrees of self-deprecation, what constitutes as extreme or excessive. Is a little self-deprecation just humility. I don't see the Dalai being overt in his self estimation of his own worth or seeking unwarranted attention, praise and adulation for his actions.

    Being understated, is that self-deprecation, humility is a great human virtue.
    Is self deprecation based on a great human virtue ?? I dont know but its a good question. Great topic.
     
  16. Endued

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    In a word: yes.

    Kind of sort of also a little related, but it always kinda annoys me when people act undeserving of a gift that cost a lot of time or money, say. It seems a little patronising to the gift-giver, that they couldn't judge an appropriate gift would be or something.
     
    #16 Endued, Dec 10, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2011
  17. straightdave10

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    Great topic.

    If there are degrees of self-deprecation, what constitutes as extreme or excessive. Is a little self-deprecation just humility. I don't see the Dalai Lama being overt in his self estimation of his own worth or seeking unwarranted attention, praise and adulation for his actions.

    Being understated, is that self-deprecation, humility is a great human virtue.
    Is self deprecation based on a great human virtue ?? I don't know but its a good question. Great topic.
     
  18. petite

    petite New Member

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    Thank you. :smile:

    I was hoping that you would elaborate about what kind of situation that motivated you to create the thread. False modesty? A person with very low self-esteem? Someone who needs endless compliments? Someone who needlessly points out his own faults?

    I walked away and thought some more about your post.

    There are cultural differences that probably make a difference. The kind of self-deprecation that is common in the UK is difficult to find in the US, where it's a lot more common to be self-promoting than modest. My mother's culture confused me so that I always felt like the ground was shifting under me, and I might still be a bit confused regarding how other people will interpret certain actions when it comes to modesty, pride, and handling compliments.

    Take Endued's example about gift giving. I see where he is coming from regarding the implied criticism about choosing appropriate gifts, but to the person who claimed to be undeserving of such a gift, that person probably believes that he or she is paying the gift-giver a compliment and would make the gift-giver feel good about his or her own admirable generosity and thoughtfulness, and that any hyperbole uttered will be harmlessly dismissed or regarded as humorously over-the-top. It's complicated. I usually fall back on trying to understand what the person's intentions were. If I didn't think that someone who receives a gift was actually trying to tell me that he thinks I don't know how to give appropriate gifts, then I won't take that message away, even if his words could be interpreted that way. I hope that other people are as charitable towards me when they come to the crossroads where semantics and intentions meet.
     
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