Is fantasizing about your ex harmful?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_New End, Nov 20, 2008.

  1. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2007
    Messages:
    3,029
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    Ever since I broke up with my ex, I have made it my goal never to fantasize about her. To try and forget her looks, and how she acted. I figured it was the healthiest thing to do. I thought it would help me heal, and I thought it would also open my mind and heart up more for someone else.

    Then, about 2 weeks ago, I just threw this caution to the wind, and went with it, and started to include her in my fantasies.

    Now I am here, because I am starting to feel a heaviness and sadness in my chest I have not felt since the early months of breaking up with her. But I am also feeling a confidence that I had early on, when I was much more driven, and found it much easier to get women. There is also a certain satisfaction of being able to tread where my mind has forbidden, a feeling of freedom, if you will, my body over my mind.

    Does it matter? Do you think it does more harm than good? Good than harm?
     
  2. Pendlum

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2008
    Messages:
    2,151
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Verified:
    Photo
    I think it depends on the kind of fantasies. If it is just sex, I don't really see the harm in it. It's basically just remembering the good times. Just be careful to not fall in the bad times, assuming there were.
     
  3. VRMan

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    345
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    Verified:
    Photo
    I would give it some more time and stick with the fantasies for now.
    • If it helps you, you will notice that the yearning feeling degrades, slowly, over time. Then it will help you to heal.
    • If you notice that the feeling does not go away, or gets even more severe (towards a obsession), you might be better off with your original approach of hiding the feeling somewhere.

    All in all, I believe that you can't tuck away an emotion completely. It takes a different path and comes out as someting else (anger, sadness, frustration, hate), so in most cases I believe it is better to live and feel through things until they are over.
    Easier said than done, I know.
     
  4. surferboy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2005
    Messages:
    3,182
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunrise, Florida
    i came in to post something along the lines of this post :smile:
     
  5. D_eeglefleegle

    D_eeglefleegle Account Disabled

    Joined:
    May 27, 2008
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    1
    It's fine just as long as you're not in a relationship with another woman. If you're still having fantasies about your ex after that, then you may need to re-evaluate the relationship. Just a question, are you still in love with her, and is there anyway of reconciliation?
     
  6. VRMan

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    345
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    Verified:
    Photo
    How could he not be? From what he tells us, they broke up even though being in love, and he can't forget her.
     
  7. D_eeglefleegle

    D_eeglefleegle Account Disabled

    Joined:
    May 27, 2008
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    1
    Well you can miss and reminisce about someone and not be in love with them, but it does sound like more in this case I agree.
     
  8. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2007
    Messages:
    3,029
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    Not in love with her at all anymore. One of the problems was I was expecting to fall in love with her over the years, and never really did. I miss the sex, and I miss sometimes the constant companionship. Reconciliation? We are still friends, and I might be attending her wedding, she seems to think her boyfriend is going to pop the question soon, and I like the guy.

    Even so, after 6 years of having a best friend, companion, and lover, you don't walk away unscathed. Even if it wasn't an "oh god I want you to have my children" kind of love
     
  9. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2007
    Messages:
    1,661
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Windsor, Ontario
    I don't think you will harm yourself in any way. Sounds like the negative emotions (sadness...) are healthy and normal and to be understood. I think those are just from mourning the lost relationship. I don't think fantasizing about her sexually will harm you, unless you do it at her wedding!!!:wink:
     
  10. ledroit

    ledroit New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2005
    Messages:
    854
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    I still fantasize about ex's now and then. You can't really help doing it sometimes. If you love somebody, unless the break-up was really nasty and turned into hatred, you always remember what you loved about them. That includes the body, how they looked and felt, how they made you feel.

    For me it's not a question of hiding feelings, just switching gears, or changing focus. It's not whether fantasies are good or bad, it's whether you have a hard time shifting gears and interacting with other people or not. Sometimes it takes a while to process why you broke up, or why you didn't fall in love. That takes thinking to figure out, not feeling, and it's good to have your thoughts clear.

    Why not use those fantasies to motivate you to find someone with those qualities and more? You can never find a clone, and you can't use other people as substitutes, or as some tool to feed a fantasy. But those memories that help you focus on what you really do like, did like, will remind you of what you are likely to like again, in different circumstances, and with somebody who is really available.

    The trick is to pay attention to whether the fantasies wound you a little bit or not. Feeling wounded can make people withdraw a little bit into themselves, and isolate, until the wound is healed. But some wounds are only healed when your new interactions with other people (sex or no sex) are better than the old ones. That can open your eyes to someone whose looks, movements, body and personality you really will fall in love with.

    good luck.
     
  11. Skull Mason

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2006
    Messages:
    3,101
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dirty Jersey
    GO for it man. Part of what is great about doing something enjoyable (like all that sex with a girlfriend), is having the ability to look back on it when it is gone and still be able to experience it, and relish it. If not, then anything we did as a species wouldn't be worth much if we were never able to enjoy what we did. I look back on many sexual escapades in my life with glee. Do you ever look back on an awesome high school or college party you had with your boys and smile?

    Just because you aren't fucking a girl anymore, doesn't mean you shouldn't still enjoy the fruits of your labor. Reminiscing about a great piece of booty is human nature, who knows, maybe she thinks about you every now and then as well. However, because of your emotional response to your fantasizing about her, I would venture to say you really haven't been able to get a piece of booty quite like her (or maybe a companion quite like her). I'll guarantee that once you do your fantasies of her will drift from your mind, or even if you still do fantasize about her, it won't hurt as much because you will be enjoying another great piece of booty.

    The best way to get over a chick is to get under another.
     
  12. Nrets

    Nrets Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    587
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Only to the person you are currently with..
     
  13. B_mylipswet

    B_mylipswet New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2008
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In your mind until you meet me eye to eye if you d
    I have been an "Ex" to the man I love many times. I give him space and time to re-evaluate the relationship. Sometimes you need that time away to help you see it's what you really want. You need to be more in touch with yourself. It's clear to me your in denial. You love her. I only hope she loves you too. My advice is go back to her. This time lay down the rules yourself. Love doesn't come along many times in your life and sometimes love needs work. You have to be willing. I am always the happiest woman in the world to take my love back.
     
  14. goodwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2005
    Messages:
    1,804
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
    No worries New End.
    No harm in the fantasizing about her. No harm in remembering the good things.
    Acting on these fantasies now that she is with someone else would complicate things of course, but to enjoy a happy thought about someone you were once happy with i think is normal.
    About the feeling sad part - that will subside with time. It will.
     
  15. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2007
    Messages:
    3,029
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    We still love each other, more than friends, less than lovers. It is questionable whether we were ever in love.
     
  16. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Hmm, I don't like the sound of that. I do understand it though. You need to make a clean break.

    While fantasizing about her may not do you any harm. Given your most recent statement I don't see it being particularly helpful either.
     
  17. VRMan

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    345
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    Verified:
    Photo
    ok ok ok, I was wrong - sorry! :smile:
     
  18. VRMan

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    345
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    Verified:
    Photo
  19. B_mylipswet

    B_mylipswet New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2008
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In your mind until you meet me eye to eye if you d
    Then there is your answer as only you can know and up to you alone to find out. I think your being totally honest with yourself will be the key to your success. I wish you good-luck.
     
  20. vergax

    vergax Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2007
    Messages:
    301
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In many places, depending on schedule
    I fantasize about my exes many times, even after years, but it is only because those acts were real, so it is easier to picture it when having a sex fantasy. The other thing is I have been fortunate to not only love and feel loved with my real x's, but also incredibly attracted to them. They are beautiful no matter how i see them and having a thought on them makes no harm.

    So i don't think it makes any harm that you have thoughts about your ex as long as the more sentimental issues have been retionalized, already.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted