is gf being unreasonable?

[Incocknito]

So is she expecting you and everyone else to believe that she doesn't masturbate?

Doesn't see a guy and think "ooh he's hot" or maybe check out a bulge, look at those celeb photos in magazines (women's magazines are full of them), etc.

Seems a bit of a double standard. You need to put her in her place! Or just dump her, whichever. Although the two may go together.

 

[Serial Kisser]

so let me start off by sayin first time poster, long time lurker. Now, I love my gf very much, we've been together for a while but she is the jealous type, and I don't know why because she's beautiful. I have never ever cheated on a significant other in my life, and have only been with 3 women in my life. the first was a quick highschool fling, but the second was a 4yr committed relationship during highschool and college, and this third one is going on 3yrs fully committed. My current gf i think is going to be the one for me, we're both crazy for each other, however one day she found old porn on my computer. She got VERY mad and started saying that i cheated on her. she says that i shouldn't be looking at any thing other than her and theres no reason for me to have to look at that stuff. I defended it by saying I would never EVER even consider cheating with another peson and she beleives me. She knows i would never touch another girl, but even just looking at pictures online is a no no in her book. She also gets upset if she finds out i've jerked off because again she says the point of having a gf is to let her get me off. Now we have regular sex and its great, but sometimes i just want to get off on my own, is that so bad? I've begun to feel bad if i even just look at pictures of other girls. I feel she's being unreasonable, and it makes me upset because I've never even considered being with another girl, let alone having sex with another girl. I don't think i'm out of line by getting off on my own or looking at some porn here and there. I just figured its a good way to get off when I'm not with her. I don't know how to convince her that it's normal though. Am I the one who is out of line here?

From a woman's opinion, I think she's being completely unreasonable. It's totally normal, and I bet if she bothered to ask one of her girl friends, they would say the same.

None of my girl friends are that way with their men. I think it's completely natural and a given that a male, in a relationship or not, is going to look at porn. I don't think it's any big deal. Feel free to send her my way if she disagrees lol.

 

[AlteredEgo]

johan81, Masturbation and sexual fantasy are not only normal, they are important. Also, I tend not to trust anyone who lets their insecurities lead them to mistrust me for no reason. I advise others to do the same.

She is being completely unreasonable. One thing I know for sure is we should not seek to control the sexuality of others, nor should we allow anyone else to control our sexualities. You two need to have a long, hard talk.

 

[karldergrosse]

You're very much in line, Johan...your gf if very much out of line...!!! It's ingrained in the male's nature, gay or straight, to look at sexually attractive people--that does not in any way have to be equated with infidelity. It's also in men's nature, and I'd wager virtually universal practice, to occasionally masturbate in private even when in a steady relationship. Maybe your gf should do a little research on male sexuality--or maybe you should consult a sex counselor together. But in the final analysis, if she genuinely loves you, she will have more faith and trust in you--and get over her out-of-control, destructive jealousy. Otherwise, either your relationship is doomed or you yourself are doomed to a great deal of misery as long as the two of you are together.....

 

[petite]

Her attitude is actually quite common with a lot of women. Not women on LPSG of course, because those women would never join and talk about sex on a forum like this. I know for a fact that a lot of women don't masturbate or enjoy porn and they consider it cheating if a man looks at porn and it irritates them if he masturbates. Part of that is ignorance about what is normal sexual behavior for men and part of that is a combination of insecurity and prudishness and idealism, where they feel that a real gentleman would never objectify a woman solely for the purpose of a few minutes of sexual gratification, which may be the reason why she disapproves of porn in general.

It probably also makes her feel insecure if the women that you're objectifying are more attractive than her. If she wears a B-cup bra and you're enjoying looking at women with size DD breasts, then she probably feels the same way you would feel if you found out she was looking at photos of men whose cocks are two inches longer to get off. This could be the real reason why your girlfriend scowls when she sees you looking at a sexy woman bending over a car. Did that sexy woman look like your girlfriend?

One of the things that actually makes me feel confident and sexy about TheBF's porn and masturbating habits is the fact that when I catch him looking at porn, he's always watching porn where the actress bears an obvious resemblance to me. For example, if he's watching doggy style sex, her butt and back looks like mine, and her hair usually generally looks like mine. It makes me feel like he's making do with the best version of me he can enjoy if I'm not available, and that makes me feel really good about his attraction to me and his desire for me. Instead of making me feel insecure about whether I'm the woman he wants, say if he were watching tall Swedish looking blondes with giant boobs, he makes me feel like he really wants me and I'm the one he's really thinking about. Since your girlfriend has such a hangup about porn, I'm not sure if this would help, but it might, depending on how complicated her feelings are about it.

 

[Drifterwood]

As far as I'm concerned, you are normal and she is being unreasonable. If a boyfriend of mine behaved the way she is behaving, I'd dump him in a second. I couldn't be with someone who felt such an urge to control me.

johan81, Masturbation and sexual fantasy are not only normal, they are important. Also, I tend not to trust anyone who lets their insecurities lead them to mistrust me for no reason. I advise others to do the same.

She is being completely unreasonable. One thing I know for sure is we should not seek to control the sexuality of others, nor should we allow anyone else to control our sexualities. You two need to have a long, hard talk.

I couldn't agree more with these two fine ladies, Johan.

I can't honestly see a happy ending if you end up with a partner who thinks thay have any right to tell you the how when why and what of being horny.

PS - I would never trust a woman who doesn't flick the bean. Either she is a liar or she has issues. Neither are particularly attractive.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Wasn't this on Oprah?

Men who masturbate and watch porn are cheaters?

 

[secondbest69]

johan i don't know what has been told to her growing up or how guys in her pass has done to her.if you really care for her i think you should set and really have a good talk with her. everyone can tell you how they feel about how she is doing but she is really the only one who knows why she feels the way she does or do the things she is doing

 

[johan81]

I just want to say thanks for the responses, I was a bit afraid of posting but I'm glad i did! In our past fights shes said that she would try and relax and she apologizes, but she said in the past shes been cheated on and she said she could never imagine dealing with it again especially with me. She's told me time and time again that she knows i would never cheat, and I never would. A few minutes of pleasure from a stranger is not worth hurting someone you care so much about, but as far as looking at pictures online, a friend of mine put it best I think. he said 'its a way for you to see whats out there without actually breaking any rules'. I think that makes sense.

petite, i get what you're saying, and thegf actually wears a DD so she has nothing to worry about up there and i tell her all the time i love her body. I really want this to work out. It just made me feel really crummy when she said it was cheating, because that's one thing I don't want to be labeled as.

One thing that did surprise her is when she asked me what I would do if i knew she was doing the same. I told her i'd be fine with it because we both have needs, and as long as she's only looking I could honestly care less! she didn't like that answser and said that she would never do that and expects me to do the same.

 

[sexplease]

one way I've weeded out the needy, jealous, unreasonable types is - when I first date someone I have open, honest communication.
At some point, early on, I state: until I choose monogamy, I may be out having fun. Or, I may not.
The emotionally balanced and reasonable ones stick around - and it has always been fun, interesting and healthy.
The others, well they're out there somewhere, choking on their short-sighted, selfish "assumed love rules and regulations."

 

[Not_Punny]

The lady has grown up in a fairy tale, and has "scripts" in her head on how a Prince Charming should behave.

I'm not saying this to put her down; probably the majority of women have fairy tales in their heads about men and relationships.

Education is the only antidote. Even a few hours on LPSG is eye-opening. Maybe you can get her to spend a few hours here.

That said, there is one other factor that could be at play: insecurity. Many things can exaggerate the insecurity "button" in a girl -- an inattentive or abusive father, bad experiences with boyfriends, forced sex (especially while young).

If you love her, see to her education and help exorcise any ghosts. No need to throw away a perfectly good human being without at least trying.

 

[MrToolhung]

One thing that did surprise her is when she asked me what I would do if i knew she was doing the same. I told her i'd be fine with it because we both have needs, and as long as she's only looking I could honestly care less! she didn't like that answser and said that she would never do that and expects me to do the same.

Dude she is being unreasonable. I could not be with someone that tries to control me like that. If you marry her I can only imagine that things will get worse and she will find other ways to control your interactions with other people. I guess the saying the "old ball and chain" will become very fitting if you don't get this under control now.

 

[_Jonesy]

it makes me upset because I've never even considered being with another girl, let alone having sex with another girl

Have you told her that?

Yes it can be frustrating, but frankly it is nice you have someone who is so scared of losing you she'd tear her mind to pieces over it. It's sweet, and uncommon. Like you said, she's worth keeping.

 

[chesz001]

she's very unreasonable and i might say crazy..LoL.you're a guy and its normal for guys to look on porns and alike..she'd better be suspicious if you aint looking in it..hahaha..if she's aint comfortable just try not to be caught next time like trying to hide an affair..geezzz.:biggrin1:

 

[helgaleena]

Get her to read this thread. Or if you like that better, print all of our responses out and give the paper copy to her. Not Punny and Petite have very good advice in particular IMO.

She is controlling. Perhaps you find this hot, but it is wrong for her to expect your sex drive to be exactly the same level as hers and only her attention to satisfy you. As a remedy I recommend mutual masturbation. She needs to demonstrate how she pleasures herself when you are not available. If she says she never has to do so anymore, tell her that you might have a horrible auto accident or something and what would she do then? And also masturbate with her only watching, just to 'instruct' her.

Everyone needs to be in charge of their own pleasure before they take control of the pleasure of another. Doms and subs are ultimately their own masters, away from the bedroom. And porn is not always disgusting either. Once in a while a great milestone is found that changes our culture.
YouTube - The Internet is for porn avenue Q original - Video

 

[johan81]

Jonsey, I have told her that, and she says she believes it and trusts me 100% like I her yet it's the fact of me having to go off to the internet, she feels as though she's not enough, which isn't true, it's just that she can't always be around and as much as I like getting off with her, I also enjoy doing it on my own

not punny, I'm def not going to throw her away, because she is such a great person (i know i prob don't make her sound great here), and the insecurity, I think you hit it on the head. she's told me time and time again that she had been in an abusive relationship, however I am not one to cause abuse and I tell her that I'm sorry about her past, but I would never abuse her, however her trying to control me for the rest of my life is out of the question. I have no plans on ending our relationship and want to be with her for many years to come, but I don't find the controlling hot at all. if she would just come around and be able to finally come to terms that, guys look at girls, everything would be fine. I think next time it comes up i will def have a talk with her about everything

 

[CascadeMDG]

I told her i'd be fine with it because we both have needs, and as long as she's only looking I could honestly care less! she didn't like that answser and said that she would never do that and expects me to do the same.

Jonsey, I have told her that, and she says she believes it and trusts me 100% like I her yet it's the fact of me having to go off to the internet, she feels as though she's not enough

Johan, I think you've hit the nail right here. Irrespective of her past relationships or her apparent desire to control you, she seems to think that even when you're "just looking," it means that you're keeping your eyes peeled for something potentially "better." Even if she says she trusts you 100%, it's obvious that she's exaggerating.

If you really want the relationship to work out, you're going to have to establish (or perhaps re-convince) her that you're truly invested in her. Maybe you can work out some weird compromise where you agree not to look at porn more than once per week, and only then if you let her know when you're going to. It seems messed up and even kinda degrading, but maybe it'll appease her.

Don't give in to her being unreasonable, but educate her and show her (don't just tell her) that you're in it for the long haul. You're not trying to keep your options open, or even thinking about acting on anything, but you sometimes just want a little variety--and maybe you don't want to "burden" her with every fickle fancy.

 

[hud01]

Sorry no sympathy today. She is a controlling, insecure, idiot. Honestly I agree with those who say run away.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Jonsey, I have told her that, and she says she believes it and trusts me 100%

This is a lie. She does not trust you.

 

[SR_Dee_Zasther]

Johan, I can sympathize having been in the same situation before. There is no easy solution. As has been said in the numerous level headed posts here, it is going to take compromise and communication. You are not wrong for feeling what you do, and she is not wrong for having her feelings, but she is being unfair. Most of all I advise patience, and continuing communication if you want things to work; don't have a big thing about it now and then not talk about it again until the next time something triggers her. Good luck, and remember that compromise doesn't mean either of you should have to compromise who you are.