Is it considered racism?

[theplayerking]

It doesn’t matter what the settings are, 99 percent of gay men are not looking for friends on an app or website. If that’s your intention, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Also, most friendships after your teenage years are formed doing activities. If you want to make friends, find a group activity with gay men that share a common interest, like a book club, intramural sports, volunteering, etc.

 

[davepadillas]

It doesn’t matter what the settings are, 99 percent of gay men are not looking for friends on an app or website. If that’s your intention, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Also, most friendships after your teenage years are formed doing activities. If you want to make friends, find a group activity with gay men that share a common interest, like a book club, intramural sports, volunteering, etc.

Thanks for your advice.

Those activities are really not my things. Im interested in cooking (and baking), houseplants, jogging and weight training and reading. These activities involve minimal interactions with other. But book clubs? Idk if you can really make friends with other people from book clubs. I find reading (in my own) relaxing and soothing. But reading with other people??? ‍

In College, we formed a study group. I was kind of a geeky-nerdy type. I was put in charge of tutoring, but I got awkward and I found it hard to study with other people… like when we got together, we just didn’t study, we chatted and stuff. Then our time was wasted. So, I prefer studying (and reading) on my own.

 

[deleted1074483]

Wait! Isn’t tinder for straight people? Or you’re suggesting that I make friends with straight people on tinder?

I have been on (and off) Romeo since it was called gayromeo then planetromeo. But each time never lasted long because I had a bf (started out as platonic friends then he wanted to be my bf). It was myself to blame because I didn’t trust my intuition.

There are some certain point where straight people don’t get us gay. I talked to me psychiatrist, who is straight, and she didn’t quite get my gay way of life. I was asked if I really was sure I’m gay and if I might be asexual. So I was burdened with an identity crisis.

i mean I know I’m gay because I’ve never been attracted to girls sexually or intellectually. And I’m not asexual because I still want to have sex. But only with my bf’s. That’s why I started to question myself if I’m a sapiosexual and if sapiosexuality can even coexist with homosexuality.

I never said I would ignore your advice. I just became more and more interested in your advice and had more questions. That

nope gay people use tinder too as i understand it???!!! i'm not suggesting you go after straights at all

as to sapiosexual it doesn't mean you are gay or not it just means you are interested and find their brains/intelligence sexy - of course it can co-exist - you can be more than one thing at a time you know ;-)

 

[davepadillas]

So, this is the kind of profile text I would love to see. Although this guy doesn’t have anything in common with me e.g. being a naturist (FKK), going out (abends ausgehen) and not disclosing what he’s really looking for “date, sex, etc. (not seen in the screenshot).

It’s in German, so I’ll translate the part where I circled (in blue):

“Profile says “No answer, no interest”. = No manner!

Too bad this guy (aged 50) doesn’t have anything in common with me e.g. being a naturist (FKK), going out (abends ausgehen) and not disclosing what he’s really looking for “date, sex, etc. (not seen in the screenshot). Otherwise, I’d shoot him a message. He mentioned PrEP and bareback in his profile text though but still I don’t want sex and I don’t want bareback either.

 

[wadawada]

I am also Asian and INFJ. I think it is interesting to see your thread.

Is it considered racism? yes/no but irrelevant
Does race play a role in finding friends? Yes but it's more about looks and personalities(interests).
Really I think you are asking the wrong questions and being in the wrong app. You have some struggles and you are mixing them together. What I think you can do

1 Learn more about how psychology can help you
2 Keep working out and be honest to yourself
3 Just do some new things and meet some (new) people

1 Learn more about how psychology can help you
My condolences to us being INFJ lol INFJ are not common which means that most people including ourselves are not familiar with how our way of logic/thinking works. INFJ needs some guidelines from legit psychology/spirituality/buddhism... to help us understand ourselves more so that we can learn what we actually need and how we can express ourselves so that we can do and get what we need.
There is no need/way to try to "turn off" our feelings. INFJ will ALWAYS feel first before seeing things logically because we are INFJ, but we don't have to analyze every single thing. Allow feelings to come and also to go

2 Keep working out and be honest to yourself
In addition to being INFJ, I think you have some problems with self esteem and ways to deal with narcissism. You can watch some youtube videos about how to deal with narcissism and set boundaries. If you don't clearly know what narcissism is and how it can affect you, you will keep attracting these people and waste your time and energy.
Honestly I don't see how posting these profiles can help you. What can actually help you is to work out. Being fit is not the only way to be considered attractive, but being fit allow yourself to be confident enough, especially if you are visual. You don't have to be muscular or in a shape that others like, but stay at the shape that YOU are comfortable with allows you to ignore the people that ignore you. You can also work on clothing styles/skincare... think creative. You know how you like about yourself.

3 Just do some new things and meet some (new) people
Try to use Tinder/JackD/... Tinder has sexual orientation setting. Why don't you try new things and stay in Romeo when it does not work for you? What are the problems with making friends with Asians who are tourists? You already have no friends at the moment. What would you lose if you make some gay Asians friends for a few days. You can practice your social skills.
INFJ is capable of staying at home forever, but DON't do it. We like to imagine ideals but it's also healthy to do some practical things. You don't have to go out every single day, but go out and talk to people. Go visit and learn new things. Take a cooking class or something. Go see a movie with people. The idea of friends can be flexible. Talk to people without expectations. There are different levels of friendships, as long as it is relaxing to you. Don't limit yourself to just be INFJ. It is a label, and it can just be one of the many labels.

ps
My wild guess is that your venus is gemini, or you have gemini in some position in your natal chart
I just learn the term “INFJ door slam” from you today. Wow it definitely hits me.

 

[davepadillas]

I am also Asian and INFJ. I think it is interesting to see your thread.


1 Learn more about how psychology can help you
My condolences to us being INFJ lol INFJ are not common which means that most people including ourselves are not familiar with how our way of logic/thinking works. INFJ needs some guidelines from legit psychology/spirituality/buddhism... to help us understand ourselves more so that we can learn what we actually need and how we can express ourselves so that we can do and get what we need.
There is no need/way to try to "turn off" our feelings. INFJ will ALWAYS feel first before seeing things logically because we are INFJ, but we don't have to analyze every single thing. Allow feelings to come and also to go

Great to hear from my Asian fellow's perspective.
You're so right about this one! I went to a psychiatrist after breaking up with my exes to help get me through shit I'd been feeling. Since before the breakups, I hit rockbottom in terms of self-esteem -- I had been depressed and had binged eating stopped going to the gym. I had been in toxic relationships with narcissists (both overt and covert). So, that's why I don't know how to be around with people anymore. Again, I was never a super confident guy to begin with. I just used to be more confident when I was single 7-8 years ago than I was when I was in relationships and than I am now.

In addition to being INFJ, I think you have some problems with self esteem and ways to deal with narcissism. You can watch some youtube videos about how to deal with narcissism and set boundaries. If you don't clearly know what narcissism is and how it can affect you, you will keep attracting these people and waste your time and energy.
Honestly I don't see how posting these profiles can help you. What can actually help you is to work out. Being fit is not the only way to be considered attractive, but being fit allow yourself to be confident enough, especially if you are visual. You don't have to be muscular or in a shape that others like, but stay at the shape that YOU are comfortable with allows you to ignore the people that ignore you. You can also work on clothing styles/skincare... think creative. You know how you like about yourself.

You're right again about this point. This is what I've been doing recently. I've been working out religiously. Not to get jacked. Just to get fit and toned again. I watched YT videos about narcism quite a lot. I mean I kinda knew it from the beginning that my exes were narcissist. But I just never trusted my gut feelings. If I get to know a person "in person", I can tell what kind of person they are with my intuition. I'm quite good at that. But being a people pleaser, sometimes I simply let my guard down and and I go with my heart not my brain. That's how I got myself into shitty situations. For the appearance, I still pass as a mid 20's. But I don't if that's a good or a bad thing. I mean, I don't wanna took more mature than my age but looking too young could be a turn-off???? I don't know. Plus I can't grow a beard. It doesn't exist. So, that I can't that either. But I'm not on Romeo to find hookups or a (sex) partner or a bf. I'm there for FRIENDS.

3 Just do some new things and meet some (new) people
Try to use Tinder/JackD/... Tinder has sexual orientation setting. Why don't you try new things and stay in Romeo when it does not work for you? What are the problems with making friends with Asians who are tourists? You already have no friends at the moment. What would you lose if you make some gay Asians friends for a few days. You can practice your social skills.
INFJ is capable of staying at home forever, but DON't do it. We like to imagine ideals but it's also healthy to do some practical things. You don't have to go out every single day, but go out and talk to people. Go visit and learn new things. Take a cooking class or something. Go see a movie with people. The idea of friends can be flexible. Talk to people without expectations. There are different levels of friendships, as long as it is relaxing to you. Don't limit yourself to just be INFJ. It is a label, and it can just be one of the many labels.

ps
My wild guess is that your venus is gemini, or you have gemini in some position in your natal chart
I just learn the term “INFJ door slam” from you today. Wow it definitely hits me.

Jack'D and Grindr are worse, from my experience. Befriending with tourists isn't my thing because when I go traveling, I want to see the world, the city and I don't want to have my emotions locked into someone who I just know briefly. It's an emotional thing... If I get to know someone, I just want to learn more about that person deeply, get more invested emotionally. If you know what I mean. I don't use the word "friends" lightly. I'm glad that you totally understood INFJ's behaviors. Home is my sanctuary... It's my inner peace. I can escape everything just to be "alone". Hence, I collect houseplants and cook and bake so I can feel at peace. But, of course, I need to get out and meet friends (if I ever had one) once in a while.

Were you saying that I was looking for another INFJ as a friend? If so, I am not doing that. I just want to find at least a friend who shares common interests with me and understands me and I can physically hang out with or talk with sometimes.

I don't know about the gemini thing. I'm a taurus but I don't believe in horoscope. What is true about taurians where I actually fit in the box is I can be quite stubborn (but in my case it's more like decisive --> the "no" means "no" kinda thing). In contrast, the MBTI thing is more of a behavioral thing. It's observable and more "scientifically" proven.

Also, I'm glad I helped you figure out what INFJ door slam is. You got that, too, right? I recommend you watch YT videos of Clay Arnall's. He doesn't post much anymore but the more I watched his videos about INFJ, the more I feel related. I hadn't known about the INFJ door slam thing myself until I watched his videos. That's how I realized why I acted like a totally different person when I completely shut someone off of my life

I'm glad I found another INFJ on here. We're not the rarest anymore. I think more people wanted to join the "rarest" club.

 

[davepadillas]

@wadawada I forgot to link the Clay Arnall's channel in the comment.

https://www.youtube.com/c/ClayArnall/videos

 

[chrisrobin]

I didn’t know that! I was off the market for years! Coming back on Romeo again makes me feel totally awkward.

Great to hear from my Asian fellow's perspective.
You're so right about this one! I went to a psychiatrist after breaking up with my exes to help get me through shit I'd been feeling. Since before the breakups, I hit rockbottom in terms of self-esteem -- I had been depressed and had binged eating stopped going to the gym. I had been in toxic relationships with narcissists (both overt and covert). So, that's why I don't know how to be around with people anymore. Again, I was never a super confident guy to begin with. I just used to be more confident when I was single 7-8 years ago than I was when I was in relationships and than I am now.


You're right again about this point. This is what I've been doing recently. I've been working out religiously. Not to get jacked. Just to get fit and toned again. I watched YT videos about narcism quite a lot. I mean I kinda knew it from the beginning that my exes were narcissist. But I just never trusted my gut feelings. If I get to know a person "in person", I can tell what kind of person they are with my intuition. I'm quite good at that. But being a people pleaser, sometimes I simply let my guard down and and I go with my heart not my brain. That's how I got myself into shitty situations. For the appearance, I still pass as a mid 20's. But I don't if that's a good or a bad thing. I mean, I don't wanna took more mature than my age but looking too young could be a turn-off???? I don't know. Plus I can't grow a beard. It doesn't exist. So, that I can't that either. But I'm not on Romeo to find hookups or a (sex) partner or a bf. I'm there for FRIENDS.

Jack'D and Grindr are worse, from my experience. Befriending with tourists isn't my thing because when I go traveling, I want to see the world, the city and I don't want to have my emotions locked into someone who I just know briefly. It's an emotional thing... If I get to know someone, I just want to learn more about that person deeply, get more invested emotionally. If you know what I mean. I don't use the word "friends" lightly. I'm glad that you totally understood INFJ's behaviors. Home is my sanctuary... It's my inner peace. I can escape everything just to be "alone". Hence, I collect houseplants and cook and bake so I can feel at peace. But, of course, I need to get out and meet friends (if I ever had one) once in a while.

Were you saying that I was looking for another INFJ as a friend? If so, I am not doing that. I just want to find at least a friend who shares common interests with me and understands me and I can physically hang out with or talk with sometimes.

I don't know about the gemini thing. I'm a taurus but I don't believe in horoscope. What is true about taurians where I actually fit in the box is I can be quite stubborn (but in my case it's more like decisive --> the "no" means "no" kinda thing). In contrast, the MBTI thing is more of a behavioral thing. It's observable and more "scientifically" proven.

Also, I'm glad I helped you figure out what INFJ door slam is. You got that, too, right? I recommend you watch YT videos of Clay Arnall's. He doesn't post much anymore but the more I watched his videos about INFJ, the more I feel related. I hadn't known about the INFJ door slam thing myself until I watched his videos. That's how I realized why I acted like a totally different person when I completely shut someone off of my life

I'm glad I found another INFJ on here. We're not the rarest anymore. I think more people wanted to join the "rarest" club.

You won't find people who just want to be friends in pick-up sites, they're there for sex not sitting down over a cup of coffee and having a conversation.

 

[deleted18388141]

There is only one human race
The words used generally are just a heritage of a racist very racist era! So don t say my race their race…
You might just say ethnicity if you need to…
I don t think it s racism i think it s lies : i have been trying for years to make (only friends) on romeo instagram.. i am white and ginger overweight but attractive : they don t want friendship!
It s just that they don t want love relationship but they add friendship like that.
You are welcome to get in touch with me as am looking for friends

 

[wadawada]

Great to hear from my Asian fellow's perspective.
You're so right about this one! I went to a psychiatrist after breaking up with my exes to help get me through shit I'd been feeling. Since before the breakups, I hit rockbottom in terms of self-esteem -- I had been depressed and had binged eating stopped going to the gym. I had been in toxic relationships with narcissists (both overt and covert). So, that's why I don't know how to be around with people anymore. Again, I was never a super confident guy to begin with. I just used to be more confident when I was single 7-8 years ago than I was when I was in relationships and than I am now.


You're right again about this point. This is what I've been doing recently. I've been working out religiously. Not to get jacked. Just to get fit and toned again. I watched YT videos about narcism quite a lot. I mean I kinda knew it from the beginning that my exes were narcissist. But I just never trusted my gut feelings. If I get to know a person "in person", I can tell what kind of person they are with my intuition. I'm quite good at that. But being a people pleaser, sometimes I simply let my guard down and and I go with my heart not my brain. That's how I got myself into shitty situations. For the appearance, I still pass as a mid 20's. But I don't if that's a good or a bad thing. I mean, I don't wanna took more mature than my age but looking too young could be a turn-off???? I don't know. Plus I can't grow a beard. It doesn't exist. So, that I can't that either. But I'm not on Romeo to find hookups or a (sex) partner or a bf. I'm there for FRIENDS.

Jack'D and Grindr are worse, from my experience. Befriending with tourists isn't my thing because when I go traveling, I want to see the world, the city and I don't want to have my emotions locked into someone who I just know briefly. It's an emotional thing... If I get to know someone, I just want to learn more about that person deeply, get more invested emotionally. If you know what I mean. I don't use the word "friends" lightly. I'm glad that you totally understood INFJ's behaviors. Home is my sanctuary... It's my inner peace. I can escape everything just to be "alone". Hence, I collect houseplants and cook and bake so I can feel at peace. But, of course, I need to get out and meet friends (if I ever had one) once in a while.

Were you saying that I was looking for another INFJ as a friend? If so, I am not doing that. I just want to find at least a friend who shares common interests with me and understands me and I can physically hang out with or talk with sometimes.

I don't know about the gemini thing. I'm a taurus but I don't believe in horoscope. What is true about taurians where I actually fit in the box is I can be quite stubborn (but in my case it's more like decisive --> the "no" means "no" kinda thing). In contrast, the MBTI thing is more of a behavioral thing. It's observable and more "scientifically" proven.

Also, I'm glad I helped you figure out what INFJ door slam is. You got that, too, right? I recommend you watch YT videos of Clay Arnall's. He doesn't post much anymore but the more I watched his videos about INFJ, the more I feel related. I hadn't known about the INFJ door slam thing myself until I watched his videos. That's how I realized why I acted like a totally different person when I completely shut someone off of my life

I'm glad I found another INFJ on here. We're not the rarest anymore. I think more people wanted to join the "rarest" club.

I know you want a friend. You can also think about ways of how you made a friend. I didn't mean to say you were looking for INFJ. I just think that you need to be consciously honest with yourself and understand your intentions.

Romeo is not the place for friends. These friendship is built on sex. If you have the same intention, that's great. If you don't, it's easier to use other apps/methods. Tinder or apps like this may work better for you because both people need to swipe right before messaging so you don't waste your time. While having a gay friend is nice, but if you just want a friend, you don't have to limit the scope within gay people. It may be easier to meet people and make friends in person in some ways.

I do think that you need to work on your understanding as INFJ or ways that allow you to interact with the world. I know what you mean by "going all in when you meet a new person" and the feeling of "don't know how to be around with people anymore after being hurt"

There are things that INFJ have to learn eventually.
1 Learn how to love yourself with no conditions/requirements
2 Understand that people need to help themselves
3 Help others to help themselves

Being a people pleaser is not the root of the problem. You want to please because you want the sense of self worth that comes from people getting helped. However NOT EVERYONE worth our dedicated help.
This is called a boundary. All INFJ will have to learn this idea. You need to ask yourself... are you trying to help others or are you doing businesses? Are you trying to trade your kindness in exchange for validation from others? Is it actually about you or about them? If it is about them, it can't affect you emotionally.
Learn ways to seek validation from yourself. You feel emotional because you allow others to validate you randomly. I spent a lot of times working on myself. I am now no longer randomly affected by narcissism. Everyone need to find peace.

That is why I think spirituality is useful for INFJ. INFJ are not really logical. Feelings always come first. So learn different ways to process emotions.
I mentioned gemini because you talked about how you are sexually attracted to smart people. ( I do too) I think this can be a trait of gemini in some position in your chart.
In the theory of horoscope, we tend to behave differently according to different situations (sun, moon, rising, mars, venus... / how you deal with things in public vs how you deal with things in private vs other situations). Sun sign(Birth month) is only 30% of you. There are more than 12 types of people. Birth Chart/Natal Chart may help you learn better about yourself in different areas of life.

I also like Buddhism because it is logical and sensual. You can also learn about other spirituality stuff from bashar/darryl anka. His theory works for my depression when I had it. For example, he talked about how people confused the idea of doubt as a lack of trust.
Doubt is actually 100% trust in an undesirable or unpreferred situation. We are always trusting something 24/7. The question is... what we are trusting, and how we shift it to something that works better for us.

 

[davepadillas]

I know you want a friend. You can also think about ways of how you made a friend. I didn't mean to say you were looking for INFJ. I just think that you need to be consciously honest with yourself and understand your intentions.

Romeo is not the place for friends. These friendship is built on sex. If you have the same intention, that's great. If you don't, it's easier to use other apps/methods. Tinder or apps like this may work better for you because both people need to swipe right before messaging so you don't waste your time. While having a gay friend is nice, but if you just want a friend, you don't have to limit the scope within gay people. It may be easier to meet people and make friends in person in some ways.

I do think that you need to work on your understanding as INFJ or ways that allow you to interact with the world. I know what you mean by "going all in when you meet a new person" and the feeling of "don't know how to be around with people anymore after being hurt"

There are things that INFJ have to learn eventually.
1 Learn how to love yourself with no conditions/requirements
2 Understand that people need to help themselves
3 Help others to help themselves

Being a people pleaser is not the root of the problem. You want to please because you want the sense of self worth that comes from people getting helped. However NOT EVERYONE worth our dedicated help.
This is called a boundary. All INFJ will have to learn this idea. You need to ask yourself... are you trying to help others or are you doing businesses? Are you trying to trade your kindness in exchange for validation from others? Is it actually about you or about them? If it is about them, it can't affect you emotionally.
Learn ways to seek validation from yourself. You feel emotional because you allow others to validate you randomly. I spent a lot of times working on myself. I am now no longer randomly affected by narcissism. Everyone need to find peace.

That is why I think spirituality is useful for INFJ. INFJ are not really logical. Feelings always come first. So learn different ways to process emotions.
I mentioned gemini because you talked about how you are sexually attracted to smart people. ( I do too) I think this can be a trait of gemini in some position in your chart.
In the theory of horoscope, we tend to behave differently according to different situations (sun, moon, rising, mars, venus... / how you deal with things in public vs how you deal with things in private vs other situations). Sun sign(Birth month) is only 30% of you. There are more than 12 types of people. Birth Chart/Natal Chart may help you learn better about yourself in different areas of life.

I also like Buddhism because it is logical and sensual. You can also learn about other spirituality stuff from bashar/darryl anka. His theory works for my depression when I had it. For example, he talked about how people confused the idea of doubt as a lack of trust.
Doubt is actually 100% trust in an undesirable or unpreferred situation. We are always trusting something 24/7. The question is... what we are trusting, and how we shift it to something that works better for us.

I really really love your thought! I think you're a very smart and thoughtful person. Almost everything you mentioned just hit home for me. I am really enjoying reading your comments. It makes me feel smarter. It makes me realize things I never thought I might be or might have. It makes me understand more about myself and want to improve to be a better person.

I was raised Buddhist and had practiced Buddhism quite strictly until my college year. I didn't even want to kill a mosquito and I would go to temple with my parents. Then I converted to Christianity, in the process of finding myself and to please my crush. I think that counts as a "people pleaser". But when I learned more and more about the Bible, I found it stupid and nonsensical. So, I became atheist after 2 years. But it doesn't mean that I don't believe in the good and the bad. I just don't believe in doing good things will send you to Heaven or doing bad stuff will send you to Hell because "Heaven" and "Hell" only exist in your on thought/mind. You do good things, you feel good about it and that's Heaven for you. You do bad things, you feel bad about it and that's Hell for you. In this case, I don't need a religion to guide me to do good things. I follow the teaching of whichever religion I find practical and makes sense to me (mostly Buddhism).

This is the kind of thought I get from you is the thought I expect from guys who I reached out to on Romeo. Well, they don't have to ALWAYS be this deep. But just not shallow and talk about sex all the time. If you lived close, I'd definitely connect with you on a deeper level. I don't know you personally but I find you emotionally and intellectually SEXY If this doesn't affirm that I'm sapiosexual by now, I'm not sure what else will

 

[wadawada]

I really really love your thought! I think you're a very smart and thoughtful person. Almost everything you mentioned just hit home for me. I am really enjoying reading your comments. It makes me feel smarter. It makes me realize things I never thought I might be or might have. It makes me understand more about myself and want to improve to be a better person.

I was raised Buddhist and had practiced Buddhism quite strictly until my college year. I didn't even want to kill a mosquito and I would go to temple with my parents. Then I converted to Christianity, in the process of finding myself and to please my crush. I think that counts as a "people pleaser". But when I learned more and more about the Bible, I found it stupid and nonsensical. So, I became atheist after 2 years. But it doesn't mean that I don't believe in the good and the bad. I just don't believe in doing good things will send you to Heaven or doing bad stuff will send you to Hell because "Heaven" and "Hell" only exist in your on thought/mind. You do good things, you feel good about it and that's Heaven for you. You do bad things, you feel bad about it and that's Hell for you. In this case, I don't need a religion to guide me to do good things. I follow the teaching of whichever religion I find practical and makes sense to me (mostly Buddhism).

This is the kind of thought I get from you is the thought I expect from guys who I reached out to on Romeo. Well, they don't have to ALWAYS be this deep. But just not shallow and talk about sex all the time. If you lived close, I'd definitely connect with you on a deeper level. I don't know you personally but I find you emotionally and intellectually SEXY If this doesn't affirm that I'm sapiosexual by now, I'm not sure what else will

INFJ can have such high expectations. I don't know about you but most likely I would not write these on grindr or dating apps because I am not sure if this would bring people closer or push them away. Actually I was not planning to write these on LPSG either lol But I think it can be funny to write it here because we can have INFJ who like penises and also looking for some advice. The internet is interesting.

Although INFJ likes to analyze information, one thing to notice is that we like to create our own theories, rather than using "scientific logic". So we can act fast based on "feelings" but it may or may not be "effective". We feel before we think. That's why I said you need to be "consciously honest". I mean to check if your theory is somewhat connecting to the reality.

We are not TJ. We are not going to be "great thinkers", but we can be "great feelers". One way to do this is to clear the "antenna" by raising your consciousness/spirituality so that you can feel clearer.

From the spirituality standpoint, Buddhism or Christianity are just different ways to express the same idea, but in practice, many people misinterpret these ideas.
For example, Jesus wants people to follow him TO BE JESUS, instead of just being a sheep/follower. It's not about being a binary(good/bad) thinker, it's about trinity(choice between you and the world). Buddhism's teaching about being "selfless" is not about sacrificing yourself for others. The "removing of self" is under the premise of considering the entire world(including you and others) as one, so that you can create an easier world for YOU AND others.

So I hope these will refresh your antenna and you can learn all the new ways to make easier decisions to get what you need. I don't know what your new approaches of finding new friends will be. I look forward to seeing how you did it.

 

[davepadillas]

INFJ can have such high expectations. I don't know about you but most likely I would not write these on grindr or dating apps because I am not sure if this would bring people closer or push them away. Actually I was not planning to write these on LPSG either lol But I think it can be funny to write it here because we can have INFJ who like penises and also looking for some advice. The internet is interesting.

Although INFJ likes to analyze information, one thing to notice is that we like to create our own theories, rather than using "scientific logic". So we can act fast based on "feelings" but it may or may not be "effective". We feel before we think. That's why I said you need to be "consciously honest". I mean to check if your theory is somewhat connecting to the reality.

We are not TJ. We are not going to be "great thinkers", but we can be "great feelers". One way to do this is to clear the "antenna" by raising your consciousness/spirituality so that you can feel clearer.

From the spirituality standpoint, Buddhism or Christianity are just different ways to express the same idea, but in practice, many people misinterpret these ideas.
For example, Jesus wants people to follow him TO BE JESUS, instead of just being a sheep/follower. It's not about being a binary(good/bad) thinker, it's about trinity(choice between you and the world). Buddhism's teaching about being "selfless" is not about sacrificing yourself for others. The "removing of self" is under the premise of considering the entire world(including you and others) as one, so that you can create an easier world for YOU AND others.

So I hope these will refresh your antenna and you can learn all the new ways to make easier decisions to get what you need. I don't know what your new approaches of finding new friends will be. I look forward to seeing how you did it.

I'm really glad I got to talk to another INFJ on here. It's like I'm looking in the mirror into my other self. Perhaps, an upgrade version of myself. You sound like a very confident guy, while I am not... never have been (but was more confident 7-8 years ago). I bet you're a healthy INFJ -- unlike me.

My expectations toward myself is really high. Sky high. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself. But my expectations toward others aren't as high. There's catch though. I won't just use the word "friends" lightly. Some people might call their coworkers "work friends", but I rarely do. Only a couple of workers back in my home country are really my work friends, with whom I really hung out. They just have to meet certain criteria to be my "friends". They really have to earn the title

I really need to learn how to small talk too. That's what I'm lacking. Or maybe us INFJs are lacking lol

Quick question: Since I've never been on Tinder, is there an "About me" section? If so, is there a character limit? I just don't wanna download the app and try out just to be disappointed later that I can't have or won't get to read this section. My "About me" section on Romeo is rather lengthy and descriptive. I was trying to be an open book. I know nobody really cares about reading or writing it. They're there to hook up. But since my TRUE intention isn't for hooking up, I wrote about myself so everyone can read if they want to. I don't know how honest the others are when they write about themselves. But I am putting all of my effort into writing this section. I mean if they read my about me, they know me all my best, good, okay, not so good and worst qualities. i just want people to know me for who I really am without me wearing a "mask".

Quick update: I started exchanging with this one guy. He seemed nice. He read (part) of my profile text in the "About me" section. He's goofy but quite funny. We small talked about Heartstopper <3 NOTHING SEXUAL about our conversation. But let's see how it goes. Hope he doesn't turn our harmless and intellectual conversation into a sexual one too soon.

 

[wadawada]

I'm really glad I got to talk to another INFJ on here. It's like I'm looking in the mirror into my other self. Perhaps, an upgrade version of myself. You sound like a very confident guy, while I am not... never have been (but was more confident 7-8 years ago). I bet you're a healthy INFJ -- unlike me.

My expectations toward myself is really high. Sky high. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself. But my expectations toward others aren't as high. There's catch though. I won't just use the word "friends" lightly. Some people might call their coworkers "work friends", but I rarely do. Only a couple of workers back in my home country are really my work friends, with whom I really hung out. They just have to meet certain criteria to be my "friends". They really have to earn the title

I really need to learn how to small talk too. That's what I'm lacking. Or maybe us INFJs are lacking lol

Quick question: Since I've never been on Tinder, is there an "About me" section? If so, is there a character limit? I just don't wanna download the app and try out just to be disappointed later that I can't have or won't get to read this section. My "About me" section on Romeo is rather lengthy and descriptive. I was trying to be an open book. I know nobody really cares about reading or writing it. They're there to hook up. But since my TRUE intention isn't for hooking up, I wrote about myself so everyone can read if they want to. I don't know how honest the others are when they write about themselves. But I am putting all of my effort into writing this section. I mean if they read my about me, they know me all my best, good, okay, not so good and worst qualities. i just want people to know me for who I really am without me wearing a "mask".

Quick update: I started exchanging with this one guy. He seemed nice. He read (part) of my profile text in the "About me" section. He's goofy but quite funny. We small talked about Heartstopper <3 NOTHING SEXUAL about our conversation. But let's see how it goes. Hope he doesn't turn our harmless and intellectual conversation into a sexual one too soon.

I know. I feel like I am kinda talking to my older self. But I was "lazier". I was not even actively looking for solutions like you do now. I wish someone could magically talk to me and give me all the solutions when I had hard times lol.
My smartness/confidence/wisdom grows from the pain that I had when I had depression. Basically I was "dead" and reborn. I had the INFJ door slam during my depression and I only keep the essentials. It was hard but also I felt so much easier in some ways.
I keep basic respect for myself and others and I get rid of many expectations. Because who cares, I had my INFJ door slam already so people should leave if they don't like it lol. I feel so much lighter.
I understand you don't want to use the word friends lightly. I think it's
totally up to you. I don't think labels are important anymore. It's more about what you want do with what people.
I used to blame my gayness like how you think your asianness creates problems. Certainly different identities face different challenges but there are always solutions if you look for them. Even labels like INFJ are not meant to define you and stop you from trying. They are hints for you to redirect yourself to get you need.
So I don't think Tinder is going to disappoint you. If anything, it's your expectations that disappoint you. There is About Me in Tinder but I am not sure about the character limit. Tinder works by swiping and matching so it takes time. You may get messages after days, but not instantly.
And congrats. Maybe it's not about Romeo. Maybe It is just the matter of time and chances. I am not sure about your area but there are not many people on Romeo in my area. I guess it does not hurt if you try Tinder or other apps and see if you have more matches. It's always good for INFJ to try new things.

 

[heinz.friedrich]

hort info about me: ASIAN, average built (not muscular yet, but no longer fat), 5’8”.

I dont know. I talked about it in another thread, I saw a survey in another forum and there seem to be people in GErmany that find men from China the most attractive men, because it got more votes than other countries (Ok Germany also got voted but those were the men that voted themselves).

I dont know if it is women or who and straight men that took part on the survey. But there is definitely a market.

I dont know how most gay men choose but I think they could be biased in a different way.

Then I converted to Christianity, in the process of finding myself and to please my crush. I think that counts as a "people pleaser". But when I learned more and more about the Bible, I found it stupid and nonsensical. So, I became atheist after 2 years. But it doesn't mean that I don't believe in the good and the bad. I just don't believe in doing good things will send you to Heaven or doing bad stuff will send you to Hell because "Heaven" and "Hell" only exist in your on thought/mind. You do good things, you feel good about it and that's Heaven for you. You do bad things, you feel bad about it and that's Hell for you. In this case, I don't need a religion to guide me to do good things. I follow the teaching of whichever religion I find practical and makes sense to me (mostly Buddhism).

There are a lot of flaws in those books. But I think those beings exists but the religious books were written by humans, so they mixed the truth with with their own theories and partly wrong thoughts.

And it did not help that Jesus talked in riddles and metaphers, that can be misinterpreted very easily.

From the spirituality standpoint, Buddhism or Christianity are just different ways to express the same idea, but in practice, many people misinterpret these ideas.
For example, Jesus wants people to follow him TO BE JESUS, instead of just being a sheep/follower. It's not about being a binary(good/bad) thinker, it's about trinity(choice between you and the world). Buddhism's teaching about being "selfless" is not about sacrificing yourself for others. The "removing of self" is under the premise of considering the entire world(including you and others) as one, so that you can create an easier world for YOU AND others.

Yes, but hardly anybody reaches enlightenment, so all religions could explain spirituality better, in my opinion. There are stories about people in China that reached ascension (Padmasambahva and a whole city in Tibet) but there are not much people worldwide.

Paramahansa Yogananda said Jesus came to him or his Gurus ( I dont remember) and he said he should bring the teachings of Kriya Yoga to the WEst, because you have to practice spirituality. According to him Kriya Yoga is what JEsus taught.

Krya Yoga is basically the teaching of balance of all chakra and energy centers, so this is character development.

In that case the WEstern and Eastern systems are the same.

 

[heinz.friedrich]

We are not TJ. We are not going to be "great thinkers", but we can be "great feelers". One way to do this is to clear the "antenna" by raising your consciousness/spirituality so that you can feel clearer.

You're right again about this point. This is what I've been doing recently. I've been working out religiously. Not to get jacked. Just to get fit and toned again. I watched YT videos about narcism quite a lot. I mean I kinda knew it from the beginning that my exes were narcissist. But I just never trusted my gut feelings. If I get to know a person "in person", I can tell what kind of person they are with my intuition. I'm quite good at that. But being a people pleaser, sometimes I simply let my guard down and and I go with my heart not my brain. T

As far as I understood it, If you practice the right kind of spirituality, you will become unbiased and also abolish addictions, bad habits and things like PTSD.

18 Science-Backed Reasons to Try Loving-Kindness Meditation

But spirituality has more effects: When you are racist and practice loving-kindness. You abolish your racial bias:
https://www.researchgate.net/public...mediated_by_positive_other-regarding_emotions

In my experience that works with all biases so the end result is that you are less biased or even unbiased regarding your partner.

IF you become unbiased and your partner become unbiased. It does not matter anymore, how the person looks like. So you have to get a spiritual person that also practices improvement of the character traits.

 

[davepadillas]

IF you become unbiased and your partner become unbiased. It does not matter anymore, how the person looks like. So you have to get a spiritual person that also practices improvement of the character traits.

@heinz.friedrich Thanks for the links. I'll give them a read.

I'd also like to mention when it comes to find a partner, I really don'y have a specific type at all and looks never really play a role either. I know that I'm just an average looking asian guy in Germany and I don't stand out in any way, not that I want to be in any spotlight anyway. For me, you're earning an average income and can only yourself an affordable car not a Ferrari or a Lamborghini. So, there is no bias when it come to looks. The bar is even lower when it comes to friends. What I want is just someone, who I can hang out with from time to time so that I don't have to spend my time all alone.

So, my experience on Romeo so far hasn't been that great.

• If someone ever hits me up, they're just looking for sex. Just SEX. That's all. They don't even care reading my short headline "NO HOOKUP". Yup, I got quite a few of those people, whom I had to reject based on this ground.
• Otherwise, the guys who I initiate the conversation, just never write me back or simply reject. Except this one guy, who I've been chatting with for almost 2 weeks now. Just one. Highly educated. Funny and goofy. I just hope that he doesn't get bored with me yet. We're nothing more than just a platonic chat friends.

@wadawada I gave Tinder a try, it is really intimidating. I can't find any match. Well, I only swipe left so far based on what they're really looking for. It's totally for people to hookup and fast sex and I'm not in such demographic.

Have you guys ever wished that you were straight? I sometimes do. I guess my life wouldn't be this hard if I were straight. What worse is sometimes I wish human didn't sexually reproduce and we only reproduced asexually -- like virus or something. So, there wouldn't be sexual preference or sexual selection because everyone would look exactly the same. We would all just be platonic. Maybe my thought went too far... idk

 

[heinz.friedrich]

I know that I'm just an average looking asian guy in Germany and I don't stand out in any way, not that I want to be in any spotlight anyway.

Your location on LPSG is Paris. So you live in GErmany?

For me, you're earning an average income and can only yourself an affordable car not a Ferrari or a Lamborghini. So, there is no bias when it come to looks. The bar is even lower when it comes to friends. What I want is just someone, who I can hang out with from time to time so that I don't have to spend my time all alone.

Yes. I think this is only changeable if the society changes and that is only possible with a new form of spirituality, because the status quo does not offer solutions.

If you get less messages than other people, there are definitely biases on specific looks. I can find everybody attractive with the right meditation practice, but I am not necessarily aroused by everyone. So I dont know how the sexuality works.

Thanks for the links. I'll give them a read.

You can practice the stuff of loving-kindness everytime you get bored. Practice is more important than intellectual knowledge. You learn which meditation practice works for what problem.