Is it just me, or are most women now a days ruined by someone?

tripod

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For like the four time in 3 years I've now come across someone who's emotional baggage outweights who I actually am and what is happening between us. This latest one actually had me questioning my memory and sanity (Thank god my cell phone bill showed up as proof.) Are men (women) just screwing with women's minds so bad that we all are instantly assholes?

I guess the real question is, are there actually any good women left out there? (That's more of a retorical question.)

Oh go ahead... blame the women for all of the asshole men who have ruined them!!! Men flippin' SUCK!!!!!
 

HazelGod

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Oh go ahead... blame the women for all of the asshole men who have ruined them!!! Men flippin' SUCK!!!!!

Please locate your testicles and attempt to reinsert them into the atrophied flap of dessicated flesh beneath the space where your penis should be located. Traitor. :tongue:
 

whatireallywant

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This is the problem with growing older and dating. You have one or a few traumatic experiences with relationships and they can leave scars that last. Some people heal, learn from the experience and move on. Some become fearful, angry, bitter, insecure, and don't know how to stop the downward emotional spiral.

I've encountered this with men who were younger, older, or my age (37). Everyone has baggage. How much and what one does with it makes all the difference for the next relationship.

I think this is true. I probably have less baggage than most women my age but I also have less dating experience than most women my age. I do have some leftover baggage from the second guy I had sex with, but it isn't anything that is obvious to the guys I've been with since then, and it isn't something that really affects my ability to get along with guys since then or have a relationship or anything.
 

SoFla8

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I am consequently, rather insecure, wary & cautious. I hate being those things but it's necessary for self-preservation.

I hate being all those things also. It's the downward spiral to apathy that is the real problem.

I would say that men "give up" sooner than women do when it comes to relationships. It's accepted that women can have emotional baggage as a result of a bad relationship. Men, however, think it's better to hide it....What woman would be interested in a man that "let" another woman hurt him so deeply.

I said "Fuck it" years ago.
 

huw ginnit

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After the 1960's and with people becoming more aware of "the inner child" in all it's guises, we have each been taught the neccesity of verbalising the problems we have encountered, and though it is beneficial, some people unfortunatley don't know when enough is enough.

Scratch any "harmed" person and underneath you'll see that there is a caring (usually) person who had dealt with their issues.

However, when getting to know somebody, it seems that many people think that being upfront about the time their Daddy spanked them right out in front of the whole class at Sports day, and made them feel humiliated or; "my ex- what a controlling bastard he was" etc etc etc , is a good thing. Unfortunately, they are still in the "dealing with process" and although they are on the way to being well rounded, grounded human beings in touch with their feelings and the shit that got them where they are; they might need a bit longer yet.... Be kind, be nice, move on.

You need to keep looking, not everyone is damaged. But the right person is certainly out there, kissing frogs her/himself, waiting till they meet you.

Now be brave!
 

Aitch

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Scratch any "harmed" person and underneath you'll see that there is a caring (usually) person who had dealt with their issues.

However, when getting to know somebody, it seems that many people think that being upfront about the time their Daddy spanked them right out in front of the whole class at Sports day, and made them feel humiliated or; "my ex- what a controlling bastard he was" etc etc etc , is a good thing. Unfortunately, they are still in the "dealing with process" and although they are on the way to being well rounded, grounded human beings in touch with their feelings and the shit that got them where they are; they might need a bit longer yet.... Be kind, be nice, move on.

You need to keep looking, not everyone is damaged. But the right person is certainly out there, kissing frogs her/himself, waiting till they meet you.

Now be brave!

I dont think that I'm still 'dealing with it', it's more a case of 'in order for you to understand why I react the way I do, it may help you to know that this has happened to me' kinda thing.
Our experiences will naturally shape our personality & reactions. It's how we cope with what that that affects others.
Despite all that has happened to me, I still have faith/optimism that there's someone out there for me. They may have to climb a slightly higher wall, and knock a bit harder on the door, is all!
 

neils1153

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i dont think your going to find a woman period without emotional baggage... look at the society we live in... when you live in a broken society with all its priorities fucked up,,, what do you think its populace is going to be like??? i think the best you can hope is to find someone that compliments you, and that will build you up when you need it, and you do likewise to her... i dont mean you need to "settle", but you need to find a partner, and the be willing to either accept her downfalls/probelmes and work through them or move on...
 

headbang8

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At my age I expect men to have emotional baggage; but you need to be able to carry it yourself.
What an interesting way of putting it, NJQT. I think you're spot-on.

Everyone has emotional baggage. It's a sign of adulthood that one has the strength to carry it oneself.

Further, an adult has gained the wisdom to know the difference between intimate sharing and emotional dumping. The difference between I need to share this with someone I love and I expect our love to fix this for me.

In my experience (untypical as it is) I find women more likely to expect men to carry their emotional baggage (or at the very least, make it lighter) than the other way 'round. I supect that may be the thought lurking behind byteslip's original post.

It usually ends up with women saying the men in their lives are emotionally immmature, insensitive, or just plain jerks. Women often cite the following reason for ending a relationship: he was incapable of meeting my emotional needs.

Well, duh! There are certain emotional needs (self-esteem, confidence, serenity) that are met from the inside. Too much popular culture suggests that a woman can only find these keys to contentment through the love of a man.

No wonder she grows bitter and disappointed when she discovers it not to be true.

A mature woman like you, NJQT, has taken responsbility for the core of her own emotional life. And has more love to give others, because of it. NJQT, I would build on your sentence quoted above--at a certain age, one expects everyone to have some emotional baggage. And it's not just men who need to carry their own.

What happens when the shoe is on the other foot? When a man expects the love of a good woman to help carry the emotional Samsonite?

He's weak. He's childish. He's pathetic.

All true. And so are women who expect the same thing.

He is usually drunk, too, as Eva observes, when he makes such emotional demands. Let's drop another great big well, duh! onto that observation.

** (at the time, all I could think was "I can't possibly be dating a guy who is too stupid to run away from a one legged man.")

Now Eva. With the greatest respect and affection, I'm going to take you to task over some of what you wrote about your boyfriend, barely out of his teens.

Why didn't he just run away from the one-legged abuser? Stupidity? I think not.

When you're a kid, you put up with abuse because the alternative is abandonment. Why didn't the Jews "just run away" from the camps? Because inside, at least you're alive. Outside, who knows?

The abusive family like a concentration camp? You bet. With, perhaps, a different and more insidious psychological effect. The inmates grow to think that this environment is normal. ("The people who are supposed to love you are allowed to beat you up? Well, looks like it from here.")

So it doesn't surprise me that your young boyfriend very nearly became an abuser himself--let me correct that, he did become an abuser; by raising his hand he commited an assault. You were traumatised by it, and right to get out of the relationship.

Women often say they sense this undercurrent of violence from all men, not just the obvious cases like your boyfriend, Eva.

True.

Even comparatively healthy, well-adjusted men suffer abuse, violence and trauma in the normal course of growing up--in a way that most women are never subjected to. Believe me, there's a lot more male violence against males than against females.

I have to confess it irked me when you wrote--rather smugly, I thought--men should just Deal With Their ShitTM like women do. Because frankly, compared to the average man, the shit the average woman has to deal with is Shit LiteTM.

No matter how many emotional origami-tricks I learn, I would find it hard to show the "pretty side" of being beaten by your father's wooden leg

Sorry. Back to the subject.

The real problem, is that far too many people of both sexes try to get things from a lover that you can only get from a parent. If you didn't get it from a parent, that's a bag you have to carry--no one else can do it for you. It's not pretty. But it's true.
 

Jovial

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It usually ends up with women saying the men in their lives are emotionally immature, insensitive, or just plain jerks. Women often cite the following reason for ending a relationship: he was incapable of meeting my emotional needs.
Some men are emotionally immature. Some just got sick of dealing with women's excessive need for emotional support, so they become insensitive and don't want serious relationships anymore. That makes the women need more emotional support and it becomes a vicious cycle. I don't know the answer. I think there are still good men and women out there. I need emotional support, but I want it to be about equal each way.

I do think some women go out with certain types of guys (jerks) when they are younger, then they start to treat every new guy as if they were like the previous jerks, expecting the worst from them. That's a real turn-off for nice guys. The nice guys avoid these women. The women wonder where all the nice guys are. The women basically "type cast" themselves.
 

B_ScaredLittleBoy

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I have bad taste in women. Not all men are jerks and obnoxious but most are. eg I have a friend who just has the weirdest view of women. I won't repeat it here but its a very low opinion. Maybe its bravado or whatever. But I think that's the reason he's never had a relationship with a girl. He's had sex but I think the component/willingness/'ability' to create and maintain a meaningful relationship is there. So he would be to girls I think "a jerk" since he is quite the male chauvanist. But he isn't one of the ones getting the girls. And neither am I. And I'm nice.

I need to learn to disassociate from certain females who feel less for me than what I feel for them :tongue:

Reading what Jovial said...yes I would say my friend is "emotionally immature".

In time, as people become older and wiser they will learn to deal with their baggage. By emptying the big suitcases into smaller more manageable hand luggage. And then they will be allowed onto the plane of lurve :tongue: haha.

But I wouldn't worry about it, just keep trying as has been said.
 

huw ginnit

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I dont think that I'm still 'dealing with it', it's more a case of 'in order for you to understand why I react the way I do, it may help you to know that this has happened to me' kinda thing.
Our experiences will naturally shape our personality & reactions. It's how we cope with what that that affects others.
Despite all that has happened to me, I still have faith/optimism that there's someone out there for me. They may have to climb a slightly higher wall, and knock a bit harder on the door, is all!


I respect what you say, but think you might have misunderstood me...I was merely trying to point out that some people don't have much self awareness of when too much is more than enough, especially when it makes people like the Original Poster in the thread, wary of encountering new people, as they will lay all their "shit" out on the table is such overwhelming quantities, that the getting to know somebody phase becomes more a counselling service. Yes you deal with situations in a certain way because of past experience, but don't labour the explanations, and don't feel that every situation needs to be ratified, in such a way.

A new relationship should be about learning about somebody, let them learn at their own pace, don't ram every unsuccessful encounter you ever had in my face and not expect me think you have certain issues

Yes tell me where you've come from, the path you travelled and how you got here today, but don't bore the shit out of me with all the problems you've encountered...(I want you to want me, not NEED me)

Your optimism is a wonderful quality, I hope that you find whoever it is you need to find, when the time is right for you...
 

SyddyKitty

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I am consequently, rather insecure, wary & cautious. I hate being those things but it's necessary for self-preservation.
I'm a bit late, but that' oh so familiar. :/ Was just an internet relationship but my trust was dashed across the windsheild like so many insects. It's hard to fully trust anyone's intentions after.
 

wldhoney

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For like the four time in 3 years I've now come across someone who's emotional baggage outweights who I actually am and what is happening between us. This latest one actually had me questioning my memory and sanity (Thank god my cell phone bill showed up as proof.) Are men (women) just screwing with women's minds so bad that we all are instantly assholes?

I guess the real question is, are there actually any good women left out there? (That's more of a retorical question.)

Unfortunately matters of the heart can leave many emotionally wounded or damaged, whether you are male or female. Especially when it is a matter of broken trust. Not only do you begin to question the honor and intentions of others, but you question your own judgement.

The same is to be said for communication in a relationship. I have several rules when it comes to discussions, disagreements, and fights. One is, I NEVER, EVER, resort to name-calling or belittling. In both my marriage and my LTR, not once did I ever call them an "asshole", tell them they were stupid, tell them to "fuck off", or any such remarks. And, yes, I can have a temper. :rolleyes: Both of them were the same way. As a result, when the fight was over and apologies made, we never had to deal with the aftermath of hurt feelings and questioning how the other really felt about us.

I once witnessed a heated arguement between a friend and her husband. At one point, he shouted that he had never loved her and had only married her to have kids. He later apologized and admitted he was just trying to hurt her, but a year later when they separated, she confided that she had never been able to forget that one comment, and it had made her doubt him in a way she could not get past.

I have had my own experience with broken trust, and afterwards I noticed a subtle change in myself. A kind of reserve that wasn't there before, and a part of me resented that a part of my "innocence" was taken away.
 

TheRob

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I try, very hard to never hurt peoples feelings
especially the people that matter to me
I don't know how I do at it but I try
 

wonderland

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I hate being all those things also. It's the downward spiral to apathy that is the real problem.

I would say that men "give up" sooner than women do when it comes to relationships. It's accepted that women can have emotional baggage as a result of a bad relationship. Men, however, think it's better to hide it....What woman would be interested in a man that "let" another woman hurt him so deeply.

I said "Fuck it" years ago.

Women seem more resilient when it comes to relationships. There are many men I know who have given up years ago. One really nice guy I am friends with has been unable to let himself get into a serious relationship after his divorce nearly 10 years ago. It is sad to see people disillusioned and bitter.
 

EagleCowboy

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Jovial: That last statement is pretty accurate. I try to always deal with my shit and get rid of it as a continuously ongoing process in my life. It ain't easy either. I can't tell you the number of women that will try to insist on making me pay for all the shit that someone did to them. I just won't have any part of it anymore. When I let them know that, it never fails, they shoot me that look as if to say "how dare you!! we're playing by MY rules!!". To which I shoot them that look of "it ain't happening". Then usually one of two things happens. They either leave in a huff, or they start dealing with their shit and start seeing me for me and not the guys that hurt them.





After years of not dating anyone, we finally got my mom to go out with a guy from her church group that she really liked. I thought things were going well until we didn't see him come around anymore. So one morning at breakfast I was asking her about it. She said he had *way* too much baggage for his age and didn't want to be bothered by it. (they're both pushing 60) My little bro proceeded to tell my mom that hers wasn't exactly carry on luggage. I popped off with the statement that she needed a semi-truck for hers.

I thought my little bro was going to bust a gut laughing so hard. Mom did get the hint, though.