is it me or him?

[Beanie]

sorry but this is a long post but it all needs to be said, i left a lot out already.

ok, so i recently turned 20 y/o and went out on the town as you do with some friends to celebrate. well i got absolutely trashed and had to be carried to where we were being picked up to go home etc. while we were waiting there was a guy there, and he helped my friends out while i was being ill and stuff and he found out from one of my friends that i was gay, and some how we got together and he come home with me (still cant remember how this happened and dont really understand since i was really trashed).

when we got home me and him slept together, it was my first time and i dont remember a lot (i know i feel like shit about it too) but the thing is i dont remember using any protection. i know that my condoms where still there but that doesnt mean that we didnt use his and i am the type of person that would ALWAYS use protection but i cant for the life of me remember.

the morning after was perfect, we were all kissy and cuddly etc. we exchanged numbers and he went home. ever since then we have had random little chats on the phone and texts and then suddenly it stopped, now i cant get hold of him at all and hes not answering my text etc.

im really looking for a lot of advice here starting with:
1. is it me or him with the problem?
2. do you think he knew he had something and passed it on to me and now he wants nothing to do with me.

im a really paranoid person, and i have never had any relationship/boyfriend and i think the worst of every situation. i am going to get tested ASAP since i never have done and this has scared me, you can ask any questions you want and i will try to answer them, and again sorry for the long post... =]

 

[B_Think_Kink]

Your story bothers me in the fact that he basically took advantage of you. He knew you were in no state of mind to say no.

I wouldn't be so worried as to what he might have given you, even though you should still get tested. I'm disapointed that your so called friends whom had to carry you would let that boy go home with you. Tell them that next time that comes around.. not to let that happen.

 

[Beanie]

well the thing is he didnt really take advantage of me, from what they have told me he expressed interest in me and i wanted him to come home and i wanted all of it to happen and i was quite adamant about it. i do remember him asking me constantly if i was sure about this and kept telling me that i would regret it in the morning which of course i said i wouldn't and i didnt and i still dont, i just regret not having much of a memory of it =(

 

[Smartalk]

Hi Beanie,

Really sorry to hear about your present situation.

Personally I think the guy took advantage of your vulnerability, due to you being drunk and probably didn't expect more than a one night stand. Having said that, it does not answer how you feel about the situation and what you should do. You have already made the most important decision and that is to get yourself tested. Not only will it let you know if he has passed anything on to you, hopefully not. But will put your mind at ease one way or another.

The other matter to consider is what were your friends doing, knowing you were in such a state. What was there reason for telling a complete stranger that you are gay and then letting him take you home, when you were obviously in no rational state to know what you were doing.

Unfortunately, as much as we would like, we can't turn the clock back. I certainly would not blame yourself for this situation, get yourself tested asap and forget the guy, unless he has knowingly passed some STI on to you. It that case you should consider reporting him to the police. I would also question the loyalty and support of your so called friends.

Hope all goes well

Regards

Smartalk

 

[brinzaulsschwul]

Right Beanie

Here's the deal, you need to get hold of PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis) if this sexual abuse happened within the last 72 hours.

PEP are high dose anti retroviral drugs that help stop HIV taking hold in your body. Anti retroviral drugs are the drugs given to people with HIV to control it.

They are about 80% successful if taken within the first 2 hours. This reduces to about 40% at 72 hours (3 days)

If you are still within time or just over, I want you to go to your A&E department NOW and request it, tell them an online sexual health adviser has told you what you need to do - there you have outed me.

Brinz

 

[Beanie]

ok well, i dont know about the "only looking for a one night stand" thing because why would he give me his number? why would he be so close cuddly etc. in the morning after? before he left he said he would kiss me but there were people around?

i dont believe my friends would have done this out of malice, my friends are my world at the moment and i dont believe that they would do this to me. as to how i feel about the situation, i like the guy even though i have only really seen him for a couple of hours and i thought that maybe we could have a relationship, like i said i have never had that before and i am desperate to have it, i think its the one thing that is needed in my life. i thought everything was going fine until for no reason he just stopped all communication and i have no other way of talking to him other than though his phone which i cant get hold of him on so i have no idea whats going on.

to brinz - i dont think i would count this as sexual abuse. and this actually happen a month ago today so i dont think the PEP's are going to work.

 

[B_New End]

I wouldn't worry about it (disease) too much honestly, might want to get a screening, but taking anti-hiv drug cocktails is a bit extreme for a one night stand.... and he isn't calling because he isn't interested anymore.

 

[ikke_g]

It's unfair of him to have sex with you while you're not able to think clearly. But the past can't be changed. A test is never bad and that way you're sure.

ps: the fact that you brought him home means you came out to your parents and they were cool with it?

 

[chip59]

and he isn't calling because he isn't interested anymore.

If it was your first time, it is completely understandable that you want to see more of him. The first time is a big deal and becoming emotionally invested is just a natural part of it.
Don't try to pursue him and maybe he'll get back to you. If he doesn't, then you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will make the same investment in YOU.

 

[D_Ed69s girl]

im really looking for a lot of advice here starting with:
1. is it me or him with the problem?
2. do you think he knew he had something and passed it on to me and now he wants nothing to do with me.

im a really paranoid person, and i have never had any relationship/boyfriend and i think the worst of every situation. i am going to get tested ASAP since i never have done and this has scared me, you can ask any questions you want and i will try to answer them, and again sorry for the long post... =]

Okay First think you were trashed and that concerns me because you can't remember all the nights events. That is a very scary thing.

As far as questions
number one it is him, he was looking for a one nighter and the reason he kept in contact with you was because he didn't want you to feel it was you. But when he realized you weren't what he wanted he drops you for someone else.

number two If you are unsure of if you used protection or not. GO DOWN AND GET TESTED FOR STD. That way you know and don't have to worry about what he has or doesn't have. You are responsible for your body and you need to get answers.

There is no shame in what happened. People do it all the time, get trashed, meet up with a stranger, have sex and the next morning go oh shit what happen last night. Take care of yourself and be careful next time your out with your buddies.

 

[Beanie]

ok, well i thought taking anti-retrovirals was a little extreme but then again it only takes once so brinz was looking out for me and im very thank full of that =]

i didnt really think of it like it was my first time and i would get a little attached, i guess its just normal but i think its still more than just not wanting to hurt me etc. it seemed like he was interested you know or do you think that is just wishful thinking? i know it must be hard for you guys because you dont really know they whole story so you have to kinda just wing it on what i tell you but i dont know if it really was more or hes just being an ass!

right now i am trying not to contact him in anyway possible which is hard for me but i havent yet and i dont really want to so... i just keep thinking what if hes lost my number or what if this and what if that which i know is stupid in one way but completely possible in the next. i really am trying to keep telling myself that its really his lose, hes being the ass and if hes that type of person then i dont want to be with him way, and that i will find some one eventually (lol) but at the moment im very negative on myself and i just cant see good things happening to me so its like im clinging to him because hes shown interest...

another thing that makes me think about if he just wanted a one night stand or not is why he would tell me things about himself, i mean if he didnt want me for more than that then why would he tell me his last name and where he lives and about his family etc. you know? but then i think about the "im not what he wanted" kinda thing which baffles me because he doesnt really know me so why should he make that assumption/decision?

AS far as being tested, i have already set things in motion and i shall know more on friday. thank you all so much for what has been said so far and i welcome as much help as can still be put my way as this is still on going.

and thank you very much chip59 for your kind words ("If he doesn't, then you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will make the same investment in YOU.) that really touched me =]]

P.S. sorry about the long post lol and ikke_g: i took him back to a mates house because he had a spare room, just thought if i just left it at "took him home" it would uncomplicate an already very complicated subjected.

 

[Beanie]

just tried to talk to him over the net, completely ignored me, i know i shouldn't of bothered but i had to try and he completely ignored me so i know he hates me, oh well his problem, doesn't stop it making me feel like shit though =(

 

[ikke_g]

I'm sure you'll meet someone else soon.

 

[Stephenmass]

Beanie,

Once you get tested, and it all comes back clean (99% sure it will, least I hope so for you anyway) shitcan this guy. For him it seems like it was just a hookup. Now for some that is OK and I don't judge those that do at all, but it seems you want more from him and he only looked at it as "another night". At the very least, you have learned.

Even when you get to trust someone, they may use you for a quick score. That's OK if that is what you want tooo kinda thing, but not OK if you tend to get too involved or want the friendship afterwards (even if no sex at that point).

Sorting out the trash from the treasure is hard to accomplish, even for someone that has been around the block a few times. You may get better at it, but every now and then, someone you really have a fancy for, will use you and let you go. It's a sad but true part of life.

If both parties go in knowing it's just sex and a one night or every now and then, that's cool too.

Something tells me you are not like that.

 

[Beanie]

but the thing is i dont want to be all possessive and shit, i know that the first guy is VERY unlikely to be MR. right or the second or the third etc. but that doesn't stop me from wanting that companionship and that makes me look deeper into things than others do, hence what has happen here. is it ok that i want to go from nothing to a relationship because i crave that companionship etc. or should i "play the field" a little first? im totally new to all this guys, i didnt even have a girl friend when i was a "straight" little boy...

 

[brinzaulsschwul]

Beanie

Sadly in life we meet men who are shits! They just want one thing - sex and don't really care how they get it. These men will say whatever it takes to get the goal - sex. The tough thing is that it happened to you on your first time - this guy took advantage. I understand what you have said above about "wanting it too" but you were drunk and not as in control as you should have been, hence the worry about potential unprotected sex.
Beanie, put this down to experience and move on as soon as you can, delete his number and remove his profile from your favourites.

The following are websites for young people which are strictly monitored for grooming and abuse. If you sign up, don't use the name Beanie choose something else as it will anonymize you from LPSG.

Cardiff Mardi Gra :: GTR :: The Voice and Choice

LGBT Youth Wales | Gay Youth Group | Queer Youth Network - National UK LGBT Youth Organisation for gay youth, forums, groups, teens run by, for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Young People. GLBT, LGBTI, Intersex, Gay Youth Groups, bullying,

On queeryouth you will be able to chat with other young gay people about their experiences and also find a gay youth group near you. Youth groups will help you develop skills (assertiveness) for negotiating the sex that YOU want. They will also be able to help you with self esteem and strategies for telling your family that you are gay as in your other thread.

Good luck
Brinz

 

[Beanie]

i know that you are telling me the truth but that doesnt mean that i want to hear it but its what i NEED to hear =] i know now that he only wanted one thing and in the end he got it, but the good thing i suppose is that i dont really regret it and dont feel used or anything so thats something right?

and dont worry i have already deleted him from everything that would put me in contact with him (number, profile etc.) but thanks for the advice =]

 

[hockeyguy741]

sounds to me like he pretty much raped you because you were shit faced drunk, as for the calls that ended he lost interest because all he wants is a drunk easy fuck and you were unfortunatly that for him that night...get yourself tested and stop thinking about this shit head

 

[Stephenmass]

[is it ok that i want to go from nothing to a relationship because i crave that companionship etc./QUOTE]

No Beanie, there is nothing wrong in that at all. I think it's healthy to want something like that, companionship, stability, etc., in your life.

It sounds as if even though you were very drunk, you were with it enough to know you wanted it based on later postings. I can relate a bit because the first guy I ever was with I got wasted before I went to meet him because I was PETRIFIED. I don't remember the night at all myself with the exception of when he first opened his door, he was a tall, dark brown hair, blue-eyed hunk of a guy. I was literally WOW!!

I don't regret it either but I also knew after a while of being with him that I had to let him go as he wasn't "the one" for me.

We are alike in that way.

 

[FRE]

I wouldn't worry about it (disease) too much honestly, might want to get a screening, but taking anti-hiv drug cocktails is a bit extreme for a one night stand.... and he isn't calling because he isn't interested anymore.

I don't for one minute believe that taking anti-retroviral drugs is extreme for a one-night stand. That's the time they are most needed. Just when would you recommend taking them, if ever?

It seems to me that anyone who is sexually active and not with a permanent partner who has been tested, should have provision to get anti-retriviral drugs almost instantly in case they are needed. Thus, if one is so unwise as not to use a condom with high-risk sex or if the condom breaks, he should be on anti-retroviral drugs within the hour.

This raises the question of how to get on anti-retroviral drugs immediately. Hospital emergency rooms often require waiting for hours unless a person is in almost critical condition. Also, I don't know whether they would have anti-retrovirals immediately available, or if there would be a person on the staff who is even familiar with them and knows how to instruct the patient to use them, or who even recognizes the importance of taking them immediately.

Regarding what is risky, there is not total agreement. Some would say that oral sex is low risk for HIV, even though it is high risk for other STDs. On the other hand, although it is lower risk than anal sex, there is evidence indicating that HIV can be transmitted via oral sex.

Regarding the thread starter, one of the reasons that I decided at age 17 never to use ethanol is that I saw what it did to people. I saw kids getting drunk and vomiting. I also saw them acting like fools. I saw people ruin their lives. Of course many people can have one drink ocassionally and never experience problems with it, but I figure why take the risk? Also, I don't like anything that interfers with my ability to think clearly or is potentially addictive. There is social pressure to drink, but I figure that anyone who would try to pressure me into doing something that I really don't want to do is not a friend.

Drinking ethanol is a major vector in the transmission of HIV. Probably over half of those infected with HIV became infected while under the influence of ethanol since being under the influence reduces the ability to make rational decisions. I lived through the most dangerous period or HIV infection without becoming HIV+, probably because I was always totally sober, although a certain amount of luck was involved too.