Is it me or what?

[legacy84]

Hey everyone,

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend (probably future wife) for about 4 years now. Things have ebbed and flowed in our relationship and I can say that for most parts of our relationship, I have ridiculously happy that I found her.

But, there is one area that we are having problems dealing with and that is our intimacy/sexuality. For the purpose of candor, I am in my late 20's and have only been sexually active and in a relationship with my current girlfriend, meaning I was a virgin before her and was never in a relationship with anyone, she is also in her late 20's but has a lot more sexual and relationship experience, she's stated that she's been sexually intimate with more than 25 men and then others in which she's only been with less completely (e.g. blowjobs/handjobs). So, there's a bit of a sexual and relationship difference between the two of us but I still love her and am perfectly fine with having only been with her. One of her previous lovers even requested that she participate in threesomes with other men and even set-up sexual encounters between herself and other men that her previous lover would then watch. That previous lover eventually killed himself and she has told me that it was a very mentally disastrous occasion for her but, that she has been able to move on.

The situation is that, I would like to be sexually intimate with my g/f on a more regular/frequent basis, which at the moment is at most once a week and there have been periods of time in which we've gone weeks without being physically intimate) and there are some sex acts (particularly blowjobs) that I would like her to try with me that, from our conversations, she has done with others in the past frequently. But, her reactions toward my statements of wanting to be sexually intimate or to try something new (to me) aren't even consider and when we are intimate with one another she rarely seems to be mentally into the act and I have to do most of the work initiating and being physical. When we are sexually intimate we both orgasm (which she tells me is something that she had extreme difficult achieving in all of her prior relationships except for the one time she had a threesome experience with her prior lover who later killed himself.) and I particularly enjoy being sexually intimate with her because, to me, it is one of the most together, pleasurable, and enjoyable experiences that she and I can experience together.

So, is it me or is there something else that is going on?

In advance, I appreciate anyone/everyone's ideas on the topic.

 

[grower_60]

She says she's been able to move on. But, to me it doesn't seem she has moved on. The tragedy lingers and is quite troublesome for he mentally.
This is not psychological advise, just an observation.

 

[Bbucko]

Four years is a long time to be in a relationship for some people. It's my average.

I find it fascinating that you're not getting blowjobs from someone who has so much experience delivering them previously. Is there some reason for this? Is your penis challenging to her, either because of size or circumcision issues? I'm not being nosy, I just really don't understand.

I know from personal experience that some relationships become asexual over time, especially when stresses like work or money get bad. Relationships are a lot of work to keep from becoming stale, and this one sounds (by your description) stuck in neutral. Again: four years is a long time to "go out". You mention that you intend to marry her (not a great idea until and unless you get this intimacy thing straightened out, IMO), why hasn't the relationship progressed to that level already? What are you and/or she waiting for?

 

[legacy84]

Four years is a long time to be in a relationship for some people. It's my average.

I find it fascinating that you're not getting blowjobs from someone who has so much experience delivering them previously. Is there some reason for this? Is your penis challenging to her, either because of size or circumcision issues? I'm not being nosy, I just really don't understand.

I know from personal experience that some relationships become asexual over time, especially when stresses like work or money get bad. Relationships are a lot of work to keep from becoming stale, and this one sounds (by your description) stuck in neutral. Again: four years is a long time to "go out". You mention that you intend to marry her (not a great idea until and unless you get this intimacy thing straightened out, IMO), why hasn't the relationship progressed to that level already? What are you and/or she waiting for?

I've asked her what the issue is regarding blowjobs and her answer has ranged from not liking the taste to stating that she doesn't like to do it because it doesn't do anything for her. She has given me blowjobs during our relationship and the few times that she has done so, for me, they've been earth-shattering-total body numbness-loss of hearing-amazing. I am uncircumcised, but she hasn't said that this is an issue. I'm not LPSG "huge" but somewhere around an average 6" (unsure of girth).

We have been together for four years and have been living together for about 3 of those years. We both plan on getting married and I've brought up the issue of wanting to iron-out our intimacy/sexuality situation before we make that next step and everytime we talk about it she states that she's going to make an effort to at least change her dismissiveness about being more freely intimate and also to take a more active role in our love making sessions. The reason that we haven't taken that next step is that at the moment we are both pursuing graduate level degrees and don't have the money to have the wedding that we both would like to have (e.g. at a nice place with friends and family, etc.)

I'm just not sure if I'm overly sex-addicted and shouldn't desire being intimate with my girlfriend more than once a week or doing other intimate things together. Or that perhaps its something else.

Thanks to both of you for your input.

***EDIT***
Also, before it's brought up, I do regularly give oral sex to her and she's said that she enjoys when I do go down on her. I personally love going down on her because...well I'm not sure I just do.

 

[Bbucko]

I've asked her what the issue is regarding blowjobs and her answer has ranged from not liking the taste to stating that she doesn't like to do it because it doesn't do anything for her. She has given me blowjobs during our relationship and the few times that she has done so, for me, they've been earth-shattering-total body numbness-loss of hearing-amazing. I am uncircumcised, but she hasn't said that this is an issue. I'm not LPSG "huge" but somewhere around an average 6" (unsure of girth).

We have been together for four years and have been living together for about 3 of those years. We both plan on getting married and I've brought up the issue of wanting to iron-out our intimacy/sexuality situation before we make that next step and everytime we talk about it she states that she's going to make an effort to at least change her dismissiveness about being more freely intimate and also to take a more active role in our love making sessions. The reason that we haven't taken that next step is that at the moment we are both pursuing graduate level degrees and don't have the money to have the wedding that we both would like to have (e.g. at a nice place with friends and family, etc.)

I'm just not sure if I'm overly sex-addicted and shouldn't desire being intimate with my girlfriend more than once a week or doing other intimate things together. Or that perhaps its something else.

Thanks to both of you for your input.

***EDIT***
Also, before it's brought up, I do regularly give oral sex to her and she's said that she enjoys when I do go down on her. I personally love going down on her because...well I'm not sure I just do.

Requesting sex more than once a week hardly makes you a sex "addict"

Thanks for clarifying regarding your circumcision status. If she's your standard American girl, she's probably not had a ton of experience with uncut cocks. As you've undoubtedly discovered here on LPSG, many people have strong preferences both for and against circumcisions, and this could well figure into the picture; not that I think you should get cut to satisfy her: I don't.

But I do think that it's naive to discount it entirely, even if she is on record as saying that it's not an issue. It sounds like communication is a huge underlying factor in this relationship; in my experience it's rare to find a woman who finds it so difficult to make her point clearly. That's usually a guy thing :wink:

The education thing is a big deal, I'm sure. But honestly I'm unclear on how differently you'd live if you were married, seeing as how you're cohabiting now. This is probably a gay/straight thing, because if I loved someone enough to have that person move in and stay together three years later, marriage would just be a formalization of the commitment we'd already established.

Honestly, from where I'm sitting, it looks like she's got cold feet.

 

[DeepDish]

If your sex life is sporadic now, it is only going to get worst. Getting married is not going to magically make it better.

I also find it troubling that she is so willing to tell you about all the guys she gave blow jobs to, while refusing to have oral sex with you.

I am with Bbucko. sounds like she has cold feet.

Honestly it may be for the best.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I cannot speak for your girlfriend I can only tell you how I feel. First of all I don't really care about the cut/ uncut part. I've never seen an uncut guy IRL, but I think it looks interesting and different. Plus I would like the fact that it's natural.

Sex once a week isn't often, but it's more often than some members get.

As for blow-jobs, whomever I'm with if I'm into him, I WANT to do whatever I can to make him feel good. It doesn't mean I will not ever have my off days, but for the most part I want him to be happy and the more I know he likes something the more I'm going to want to do it and enjoy doing it. It makes me happy that he's happy. When he feels pleasure, I feel pleasure in pleasuring him.

When sex becomes sporadic, it only gets worse in my experience. I'm sure that you love her after four years, it would be hard not to have feelings for someone after that length of time. You need to get this worked out before you take a step towards marriage.

That's just my opinion. Maybe she's just not that into sex. Some people aren't. It doesn't mean that she loves you anymore or any less.

 

[arthur]

I'm going to go with the rest on this... Soooooo many alarm bells are ringing. It sounds desperately like your lady has a lot of issues. Cut or not cut? Like giving blow jobs or not? If your that into someone to marry them you want to make them happy regardless!? Sorry to be blunt, but in my humble opinion I think you need to reconsider the wedding thing till you know what 'all this' actually means... For I think their is far too much sub text as to why she is behaving in this manner... Why is she telling you about all the men she has given blow jobs to and not proffering one to you?!?

I am with Bbucko on this one...after four years of co-habiting, a wedding should really be a good excuse for a party... And... and this is a big AND... if I was that disturbed about my future partner to be I would be very dismayed if I was voicing my concerns on an internet forum and not to them directly... It doesn't bode well for a future relationship?!? You two need to do some face to face talking... and que sera, sera...what don't kill ya makes you stronger...

 

[SpeedoMike]

the expression "bottom line result" fits here. after all is said and done, you two have significant differences and that isn't going to get any better. bottom line result: it's time to move on

 

[helgaleena]

You are absolutely right that you should not rush into marriage without resolving these issues.

How do you feel about getting more experience of others before going further with her?

OkCupid: Take The What's your sexual style? Test Go take some tests for free and find out how you stack up against many other humans.

If she thinks you don't taste good, there is also a basic pheromone difference in your chemistries. I long ago gave up on trying to get sexy with partners who smell or taste bad to me. She may be staying with you for convenience to get through grad school, which is perfectly valid in itself. I've been there and it is not to be dismissed lightly. You need to taste and smell many more women before you settle down with someone who is now simply convenient.

But once you both have your degrees, prepare for something new.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I find it very strange that she has been sexually active in the past but seems to be less so with you. This would send out warning signals to me.

I think you need to decide how important sex is to you. Relationships rarely work well if you have unmatched sex drives, but if you think you can live with getting less sex than you want for the rest of your life, go for it. If you stay, you need to do it KNOWING and ACCEPTING that you won't be getting the sex you want.

My ex had a very low sex drive (compared to my very high one). I'm thankful that I didn't end up marrying him, and to be honest, wish I'd gotten out earlier. Eventually our sexual differences edged their way into every aspect of our lives. I'm convinced it contributed to the depression I experienced when I was with him. I've also seen other people's relationships fail because of the same problem.

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

I agree with the others here, especially on the re-evaluation of your compatibility. Sexually incompatible relationships never end well and you are better off dodging that bullet, to be honest.

Also, I can honestly say that I don't think your g/f has moved on from the suicide. The man I planned on marrying committed suicide when I was 18 years old and it fucked up how I related intimately for a lot of years. The death of someone you love intimately is traumatic in and of itself. Add suicide to that picture and your talking a different level of hell altogether. She may not realize it but she has some deep issues going on. This is not something you can help her with and you may want to reconsider whether this relationship is a good fit for you. Not judging here, speaking from experience....

As far as the sex itself goes, her telling you that your taste is an issue is unacceptable. The taste of what, your sperm? Skin? I don't understand. If she didn't like it the first time and refuses to give you head because of it, why did she decide to continue a relationship with you? Anyone that is sexually experienced knows that newly deflowered lovers are going to want to have sex all the time. I understand the pressures of grad school, but I don't believe that's the issue here. I honestly think she was more traumatized by that suicide than she's letting on. No matter what it is, you need to talk to her. Sex is new for you, you should be enjoying it. Good luck!

 

[legacy84]

Thank you everyone, again, for your responses.

To address a few of the issues brought up.

She and I have had numerous face to face discussions about the issue of intimacy and sexual desires and we have discussed most of these issues and whenever we do we seem to come to somewhat of an understanding but I'm not sure of the reasons why but the "agreements" or "resolutions" that we come to aren't typically held up for anything for than a week or two. So, to the commenter who found that a person would be dismayed over the subject because we were not talking face to face, I say that we have talked face to face and I only came here to see what other people thought and because after reading several of these "relationship" posts from other users and the constructive comments that many had I felt that if anything I could obtain from others their points of view on this issue so that I would feel that the thoughts in my own head were not completely off.

Also, as to the issue of marriage. This isn't an issue that I have taken lightly and we have discussed this issue in great depth. At the moment we haven't gotten married because of finances and for no other reason, that I'm aware of.

Regarding the issue of intimacy and sex, for she and I this is a deeply complicated issue. When we first started our relationship we would have sex practically on a nightly basis and we would make love in different places and she would do all sorts of different sexual acts, like bj's, swallowing, deepthroating, etc. Then after several months, around 3-4, it just stopped with frequency and type of intimate action. Then it started to pick back up again but frequency and willingness to do different things changed and haven't ever since. So, like I said our intimacy and our relationship has ebbed and flowed with the times and this is something that I thought I should expect in a relationship but maybe that's naive of me because a lot of you are saying that I should get out now if our sexual preferences don't match. It's not like I would like to be intimate with her on a nightly basis because we are both extremely busy in our professional studies and sometimes we don't have the time or desire to do so. But, more often than not it is myself who is making the intimate advances while she could care less.

She's stated that in her prior sexual history she did a lot of the things that she did because she wanted the person she was with to love her and she thought that doing different sex acts and being more intimate more regularly would make that person love them. Now, with me, she's stated that she knows that I love her deeply and that she doesn't have to feel like she has to be intimate with me for her to love me. With this I agree and have related to her that while I enjoy being intimate with her to no end, I love her deeply and never want her to feel that she's being MADE/forced to be intimate with me. Is it that I'm not aggressive enough?

Finally, on the issue of oral sex on me, she's stated that she doesn't enjoy the taste of giving a blowjob which is despite the fact that I don't just outright ask for a blowjob after I've come back from a sweaty gym session and I go out of my way that if there's a chance that she may that I am freshly showered and cleaned up. Also, regarding the issue is that she's said outright that she doesn't like it when I ask her for oral sex because it takes the romance out of the situation and therefore, despite my desire for her to pleasure me orally, I am un-allowed to express myself for fear of her getting upset with me.

Ughh...I don't know why but I thought maybe I'd get some ideas. But, it seems, as subgirl, stated that maybe my lady just isn't into sex.

Again, thank you to everyone!

 

[deleted356736]

A woman giving me a blowjob doesn't do anything for me at all, because it seems so one-sided and selfish. Beyond that, your language and the term 'sexual intimacy' causes me concern. The sexual treats you are after are a privilege, not a right, and you should look at it that way. Also, being totally inexperienced with a very experienced partner is always going to cause problems, and there's no doubt that you are both sexually incompatible. I suspect your girlfriend likes you or loves you, but you don't sexually turn her on. It's possible that, even if you separated, that you may have difficulties with other women.

There are a couple of important prerequisites to be a good lover, and they include a good imagination, the willingness to give more than receive (and you will recieve in turn), and CONFIDENCE. The latter's probably the most important of all. How sexually confident are you? Could you tell your girlfriend that tonight's going to be different, and you're going to fuck her like she's never been fucked before? Do you have the confidence to say that? Do you have the confidence to do it?

 

[badgirl22]

Here's my $.02 for what it's worth...

First, I give you a lot of credit for being able to communicate your wants/desires/needs to your GF and even more for realizing how important sexual intimacy is in a long term relationship (be it marriage or just partners).

Having been in a sexless marriage for years and years, I can tell you it only adds to the stresses of life. It was bad before we got married but I thought it would get better - kids quickly made that resolve all but disappear and I found myself 11 years late leaving because I just could not live without that part. What happens is the person wanting the sex but not reveiving it will begin to feel like something is wrong with them and it takes a huge toll on the ego. The intimacy in other parts of your life will also begin to suffer and you will find yourself living with a roommate as opposed to lover and partner. Resentment sets in and it's downhill from there. Certainly, sex is not the most important part of a relationship as it's likely to wane in the twilight years anyway but...it IS important.

I took a class from a store called Good Vibrations called Petting the Kitty. It was all about a females sexual parts. It was an amazing class and I learned a lot. It was half couples, half singles. They also offered a class on blow jobs. They were open, fun, and informative. Maybe you could look for a class like this near you and take it together. Go to dinner first, make an evening out of it. Truly was a hot class.

While I don't know how you are, I find playful sex more enjoyable than *serious* sex. Perhaps you can be playful about the blowjobs - no need for start to finish but just start off with small bits and keep it light so there is no pressure on her? Maybe you could put chocolate sauce, peanut butter...on you and she could just start by licking it off? Can't help but to giggle over that - would probably be fun for both???

While I happen to love giving and receiving oral sex and a sweaty man is not a turn off to me, I understand why it might be to many women. My current BF and I shower always before climbing in bed - both of us fresh and clean. Just one less thing to cause any hesitation or worry in bed.

One more thing...once a week is minimal and you're not strange for wanting more. I hope you're able to work this out with her. You sound like a caring and really nice guy.

Best wishes

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

Do NOT get married unless these issues are resolved in advance. If you both are committed to making things better, it'll take work but you can both do it together, otherwise its doomed to end in divorce. Sex is a critical part of marriage. I was in a marriage with a boring sex life...I'm not going thru divorce, just not because of the sex, because of many many many other issues. But without the intimacy, there's little to no glue to hold things together in the stressful, challenging time of life.

Sex isn't everything...but it is important. It keeps the connection alive. After marriage, you get financial stress and strain, kids, you're tired, impatient, and the sex really goes out the window then. Marriages need a strong foundation of friendship, love, partnership and sex. It takes work on a daily basis. Don't go into marriage with having the ingredients to be successful.

Divorce sucks.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I wish I could give you more advice mate, but I've given you what I have.