Is it normal?

[B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever]

Ever since I lost my virginity at 13 (to a girl...lost my virginity to a boy at 14), I've been a admitted slut. I've had relationships, yes, some better than others but very few were fulfilling. As I tried to seek love or a stable relationship, I began to realize my assets: I'm a smart, good looking young man with a great body who is also well-endowed. I used to it my advantage to make others submit to their lust...I've had trysts and affairs with taken boys, taken girls, married men, married women, older people (never older than 40), younger people (never younger than 16 after I passed 16), pregnant and single women/girls, pregnant and taken women/girls, married and pregnant women/girls, people with children...I've been paid for sex on a few occasions, but only a very few.

Basically, I began to grow used to feeling like not much more than a cheap sexual object to people. Even though I took pride in myself, at the same time, I had very little self worth and self esteem, if that makes any sense at all. This problem has gotten better and gotten worse at different periods in my life as I've tried, again and again, to find a successful relationship.

I think it's a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy...I enter a relationship, thinking I'm going to fuck it up and, without actually meaning to do so, I ruin it. Not necessarily from cheating - I've only cheated while in a relationship about two times - but from paranoia, guilt, trust issues, things like that. So I sort of gave up on serious relationships and the such and carried on with flings with people, both male and female.

I met a girl late last year named Elda, a gorgeous Albanian girl who I became instantly attracted to. We soon began a sexual fling - being fuck buddies, more or less - and it was great. Even her best friend, Vikela, joined us a few times. Eventually, I found myself falling for her...my feelings grew and grew and she confessed the same. Recently, we began dating.

Now all this leads to my question...is it normal that I still feel those insecurities? I'm so used to feeling...well, used and cheap, just for my body and what not, is it normal I still feel a bit unsafe? I really like this girl, she likes me, I don't want to fuck it up and it it going fine thus far...but...is it normal to feel like this? I know it's a problem, ya know...like...it's not really a "good thing", no duh...but...is it abnormal? Can anyone relate? Any advice?

I've included some pics of her, and one with her friend, too, so you can see.

 

[vince]

Rivas. Of course it's normal. You're going into unknown territory, so feeling unsafe is a normal defense mechanism. Any time there is a paradigm shift in life we feel unsafe, to greater or lesser degrees. you know what I mean?

But you should be ready to let go of it and go with the flows of a love relationship. It can happen.

Everytime I have fallen for a women. I get nervous and i'm not sure I want or can handle the change a relationship will intail. Fear is normal. You get over it or you walk away.

That's my 2 bits. Good luck!

ps. i've seen some of your posts and I'd said there's nothing 'cheap' about you.

 

[txquis]

You would be abnormal or a loser if you didn't care. All of this is part of growing up....Lots of us have been through similar things and it is all part of the crazy road to maturity. Eventually, as you are realizing...the attention and the sex grows stale when you don't have an emotional bond to back it all up....sounds like you are trying more for that now....Yes, yes, yes, it is all normal..I've lived it........all my best to you, bud.

 

[B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever]

Thanks for the kind and thoughtful words, guys. It means a lot. :smile:

 

[JustAsking]

Rivas,
I think it will take a while for you to get rid of your insecurities. If you were insecure for a long time previous, it is not abnormal to still have them at only 18 years old. Short of good counseling, it takes a lot of living to overcome the insecurities of youth.

For me it was moving away on my own, going to college, and then working and succeeding in my career that helped me overcome stuff like that. I think for many people this is true. Although the insecurities are irrational to begin with, at 18 there doesn't seem to be much to base one's self worth on until you get out into the world and compare yourself to life's challenges without the safety net of the people and institutions that raised you.

At over 50, I can tell you that I would not want to repeat the emotionally uncertainties of youth again. Growing up is just not easy, Rivas.

However, if your insecurities are really severe and crippling your relationships, you might think about finding a good counselor. Over the past 20 years or so, they have come to really understand the emotional problems of young adults especially in the area of self-esteem. Problems like this are at epidemic proportions among young women, but men are not immune from it either.

 

[lesmeljos]

Justasking... I am 56 and I could not agree with you more. Every point you make is valid and insightful.

It was an excellent response!

 

[biguy2738]

Rivas,

Firstly I applaud you for the great risk you have taken by laying yourself bare in this thread. You really ought to be proud of yourself. The thing that I admire even more, is the level of self knowledge and self honesty with which you approach yourself. There are many people that are even double your age and haven't yet come to the place within themselves, where you found yourself when you started this thread. I really hope that though you find yourself being confused and concerned, you also approach yourself with a sense of pride. You have much to be proud of.

I came to this thread not long after you had first posted it...I have spent much time reflecting over the things that you you have shared ...and I still ask myself if I even dare try to respond to it.

You have raised a lot of things in my mind and I really don't think that such a public platform would be the right place to mention them...I don't even think that raising them to you privately would be of any benefit to you. You see my friend, the reason why I say this, is though you have shared so much, there too is so much that you haven't shared - and I feel there needs to be an awareness of this (for you and for me)...nor do I think it wise to share even more of yourself than you already have. You see, I really don't know you and we need to be aware that even if you were to share more, much of what I would draw my conclusions from would be based on my perception of you and not who you truly are. I do not have body language or even actual face to face experience to work with. Our histories play a huge role in forming our psyche and making us who we are and behave in the ways we do.

There is the biography called "The Flock" (I forget who the author is, though she was the person in question's psycho analyst) and it's about a person suffering from multiple personality disorder. Now, please in no way am I alluding to the fact that you suffer from it, to the contrary I have no doubt in my mind that you don't...nor am I even trying to imply that you are "psycho". The point that I am trying to make is that this book reinforces the fact that our personalities and behaviours are most expecially formed and influenced when we are babies and toddlers.

There are three points that I am trying to make by sharing this with you.

1) You cannot take things at face value. You have lived a very sexual
life since puberty and you are also acutely aware that you have self
esteem issues which impact your relationships. Being aware of that
only solves part of the problem. The other part is to get to the root
of it. That can only be done by questioning your history. Why do I
I suffer from low self esteem? What has happened to cause this? etc.

2) I second JustAsking when he said:

However, if your insecurities are really severe and crippling your relationships, you might think about finding a good counselor. Over the past 20 years or so, they have come to really understand the emotional problems of young adults especially in the area of self-esteem. Problems like this are at epidemic proportions among young women, but men are not immune from it either.

I also feel that you ought to consider going for counselling - there are stigmas attached to it, but I wouldn't rely on them. I had a very destructive childhood and faced a great deal of abuse as a child...and as an adult decided to go for therapy. It was the best decision that I have ever made. Sometimes we need an outsider with the necessary experience and an unbiased approach to our wounded history to make us aware of things that we cannot possibly identify for ourselves. Going for therapy is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength because you are willing to face all odds and make sacrifices to bring healing and wholeness to your life.

3) Above all else, Rivas, if you truly want to find healing, to become a
better you and to be able to enter into relationships without fear of
sabotaging them, you NEED to do it for YOURSELF and not for another
person. Do it because you find enough value in yourself that you
want to be the best person for YOURSELF - you cannot give what you
do not have. Charity really does begin at home! Don't do it because
you love her so much and you want to make her happy. So you
embark on this journey and in a month's time and (God forbid) she
breaks up with you, she moves to another state etc. What then?
Where does it leave you? If you do it for yourself and from a place of
conviction, no person and no situation will be able to prevent you from
finding the self esteem and confidence that you so rightfully ought to
claim for yourself.

I wish you all of the very the best! :wink:

 

[B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever]

Those are some very insightful words, biguy...thank you. As JustAsking said, I have considered seeking professional help. I used to see someone when I was 16 when my older brother, Luis, died and I began to act out on it, and we discussed some of my self worth/self esteem troubles. I think it's possible that it's because I became sexual at a young age and then became extremely sexual afterwards that I feel this way - used, cheap, only wanted for sexual reasons: my looks, my body, my dick. Although this relationship with Elda is not only sexually fulfilling, it's intellectually fulfilling and spiritually fulfilling, all the good things...I really like her, although my insecurities are still creeping about.

Maybe I should see a counselor, a pyschologist. Perhaps going back to some therapy - albeit, for different reasons...although this problem was somewhat touched upon back then as well - would help.

Thank you guys for not judging me and responding in a mature matter. It's great of you, really.

 

[biguy2738]

Thank you guys for not judging me and responding in a mature matter. It's great of you, really.

How could we judge you? You are already paying a high price by "judging" yourself - self esteem issues...too high a price if you ask me.

I think that people a mirrors, they reflect who we are to us...i.e. their attitudes and behaviour when they approach us are an indication of how our attitudes and behaviour affect them. Take our non judgemental and mature approach as a reflection of how you approached such a great self revelation. If there is anyone to thank, it really is yourself.

I really don't think you could possible imagine the amount of respect that I have for you, like I've mentioned before....there are people so much older than you that haven't even begun to reach the place within themselves that you have...that comment makes me feel old.

I really do wish you all the best and offer my support in any way if it's something that you may need, and in any way you deem fit....well, almost any way :wink: !

 

[dreamer20]

I'm a smart, good looking young man with a great body who is also well-endowed. I use to it my advantage to make others submit to their lust...I've had trysts and affairs with taken boys, taken girls, married men, married women, older people (never older than 40),

I'm ready to be taken! :love: :087::hitit:

I'm sorry. What was the question?:biggrin1:



Ah, yes. You feel that you are worthless, in your own eyes, as you have been naught but a pretty plaything for the sexually depraved. However you have developed feelings for your fuck buddy. Are you both considering an exclusive realtionship or an open one? You are not worthless. You are someone that she can love and be naked and intimate with. Enjoy life and love with each other.

 

[B_andyo]

I am more than welcome to take care of her for you..

 

[B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever]

I'm ready to be taken! :love: :087::hitit:

I'm sorry. What was the question?:biggrin1:



Ah, yes. You feel that you are worthless, in your own eyes, as you have been naught but a pretty plaything for the sexually depraved. However you have developed feelings for your fuck buddy. Are you both considering an exclusive realtionship or an open one? You are not worthless. You are someone that she can love and be naked and intimate with. Enjoy life and love with each other.

It's an exclusive relationship, just me and her.

 

[hung]

Hello:

You have raised some very dynamic and viable questions. You have run the gamet of experiences. You have explored most every sexual activity that is possible.

To me it sounds as if you may be ready to settle down. You are still a learning person. We all should be.

You have this background of plenty of experience and fun. Should you fall for this girl and become involved in a relationship you will have to give up all others. That is just the way it should be.

If you are not ready to give up all others, then you are not ready for a special, unique relationship for the balance of your life.

Do not feel bad. I know of plenty of people in their 40s, 50s and even 60s who have not figured out the answers to the questions you raise. You are young, yet so insightful.

When you come upon the special, unique, dynamic girl you will know it. In the mean time, if you have not already started, practice safe sex. By that I mean a condom. You have such a potential for a happy long life that you should not screw it up. Take care and I hope this post helps you.

As with any support group, take what is useful to you and applies to you and discard the rest. Most everyone here has been where you are today and they have endured and even lived beyond the trials that you are going thorugh right now.

Be Safe and Enjoy life.

 

[aw50]

I am more than welcome to take care of her for you..

How mature of you....

 

[B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever]

I am more than welcome to take care of her for you..

You're an ass.

 

[atlas23]

I don't think that there is anything abnormal on your insecurities. But I do think that you should put them to the side and start living the present. Of what I read, this girl likes you and you like her back; you have fun together and that is all that matters. Everyone is afraid of fucking it up when they start a relationship, so just put those insecurities to the side. This girl likes you for what you are, I'm pretty sure that she thinks you are a really special person and also that you have bring feelings to her that she hasn't feel before. Good luck. Peace.

 

[hung]

I would certainly support the statement made by Atlas 23 just above this reply.

 

[RedScrotum]

Just enjoy it....... and don't try too hard

 

[B_Rivas_Boricua4Ever]

Thanks, guys. :smile:

 

[kewger]

Rivas,

You are indeed fortunate to have met a girl you seem to really like. But to get to a deeper level, I think it will just take time. If its meant to be, your feelings for her, and hers for you, will strengthen to a level that will make your insecurities become less significant. As trust and understanding develop between you, you will feel more secure in each other's daily thoughts and actions. And you will also be more accepting of each other's shortcomings as well as each others desires. Love is accepting your partner's faults as well as their positive side.

If its not meant to be, you will still grow in that you will be better able to judge what you really want in life, as well as being able to handle a relationship that was not in your best interests.

Whether you stay with each other or not, you will ultimately be a stronger person.

My advice is to relax and enjoy the ride. Take one day at a time and before you realize it, you will arrive at that station in life that will bring you the contentment you desire.