Is it normal?

[TripodMillenium]

I wouldn't say your situation is abnormal at all. It may be a bit uncommon, but you're not just an average guy, are you?


Given some deeper thought, have we not all learned from the need for such a forum as this that the people who most think "have it made" are actually suffering, too? We are endowed, yet we face discrimination, jealousy, and we are even used for our sizes. You have that issue, plus you are certainly an attractive and even articulate young man. This likely compounds the matter significantly. You also seem to have somehow kept a very healthy amount of self confidence and strength despite your self esteem problems. Confidence is also a strong attractive factor to people.


For people, our first drives are our primal ones... From an early age people found you attractive and their wants went right to sex... from that early age you were naturally willing to accept that attention. You just got swept up in an unfortunate tide.


There seem to be more paradoxes, like attractive individuals having low self esteem, in the world than we ever come to realize. I, for one, would have to say many of these seem to verge on being the rule instead of the exception.





anyways... back to the central issue... ((sorry... ADHD... :redface: ))


I've felt like you have... but a little different. All my sexual encounters have been either struck off by someone knowing my size and wanting to see/touch it and such, or by me wanting to be with them and using myself as far as my size to play off their curiosity and get attention. There were times I've seriously thought of myself as perhaps less than a common slut or whore... I've gone so far as believing that my cock is the only reason someone would want me, though. It wasn't an abnormal pattern that lead me to this... just an unhealthy one.



I have since started making changes... opening my heart... and find myself similarly looking for something meaningful, instead, now.


Since I first got back from being away from here for so long... You were one of the people whom I have noticed among the sea of people here -- and that was well before I saw your great pictures. There was something in your posts and the way you conducted yourself that stood out... a strong, intelligent, dynamic quality. You're certainly worth so much more than what you've been settling for for so long. Try to remember that.

When there are so many choices... so many people out there that desire you... then what you should be doing is NOT thinking about them. It is up to you to CHOOSE, not to settle.

((I always think of others all the time in life... and even in these things, I would settle for who wanted me just because they wanted me.... but now I realize that I am even hurting them by settling... because I am allowing them to rope me into a situation where not only do they not love me truly, but I am depriving them of someone who can return the feelings they deserve... I realized I was leading people on who were mindlessly buying into the illusion of me that they created in their minds. When you settle, you're doing both you and the other person an injustice.))


*hits himself* again I must digress...


You say you like this girl very much and that she likes you... If this is the case then you should stop worrying about it. BOTH of you deserve better than all the worries, since you have something good there. You are now looking for something serious... for love and affection... You are in a new era of your life now, and the old era is dead. With the death of the old era in your life, you can let those old worries die. You are ready for more.








p.s. The only other advice I can give on the matter at hand is this: If you are concerned about the sexual part of your life and relationships, then let that take a back-burner. Focus, instead, on the emotional part of your relationship and on the bonding. Focus on what matters and, as far as sex goes, let what happens happen as a secondary item in the relationship.

Sound good?

 

[mr obd]

Ever since I lost my virginity at 13 (to a girl...lost my virginity to a boy at 14), I've been a admitted slut. I've had relationships, yes, some better than others but very few were fulfilling. As I tried to seek love or a stable relationship, I began to realize my assets: I'm a smart, good looking young man with a great body who is also well-endowed. I used to it my advantage to make others submit to their lust...I've had trysts and affairs with taken boys, taken girls, married men, married women, older people (never older than 40), younger people (never younger than 16 after I passed 16), pregnant and single women/girls, pregnant and taken women/girls, married and pregnant women/girls, people with children...I've been paid for sex on a few occasions, but only a very few.

Basically, I began to grow used to feeling like not much more than a cheap sexual object to people. Even though I took pride in myself, at the same time, I had very little self worth and self esteem, if that makes any sense at all. This problem has gotten better and gotten worse at different periods in my life as I've tried, again and again, to find a successful relationship.

I think it's a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy...I enter a relationship, thinking I'm going to fuck it up and, without actually meaning to do so, I ruin it. Not necessarily from cheating - I've only cheated while in a relationship about two times - but from paranoia, guilt, trust issues, things like that. So I sort of gave up on serious relationships and the such and carried on with flings with people, both male and female.

I met a girl late last year named Elda, a gorgeous Albanian girl who I became instantly attracted to. We soon began a sexual fling - being fuck buddies, more or less - and it was great. Even her best friend, Vikela, joined us a few times. Eventually, I found myself falling for her...my feelings grew and grew and she confessed the same. Recently, we began dating.

Now all this leads to my question...is it normal that I still feel those insecurities? I'm so used to feeling...well, used and cheap, just for my body and what not, is it normal I still feel a bit unsafe? I really like this girl, she likes me, I don't want to fuck it up and it it going fine thus far...but...is it normal to feel like this? I know it's a problem, ya know...like...it's not really a "good thing", no duh...but...is it abnormal? Can anyone relate? Any advice?

I've included some pics of her, and one with her friend, too, so you can see.

From all you've said & all the replies you've received, it seems you know within yourself what areas you're havin difficulty in, with regard to how u see yourself, which a lot of people dont even realise are problems (So you've started sorting things out already dude)

From reading this initial post though, I'd say yes it is normal to feel the insecurities you feel. Seems you & everyone you've met along the way has put more value on your body then anything deeper, if you're wanting to get into relationships, superficial things -like looks, body etc- are nowhere near as important as who you are, where u are going, what you want to achieve.

Relationships are about everything else other then looks -looks only get the initial spark going- from then on in, it's compromise & connecting in other ways, you're a good lookin intelligent guy, who i'm sure has a lot to say on many different topics. The insecurities you still feel are only because in most of your other relationships, they were only physical & didnt let u open up in any other way.

Like someone pointed out further into this thread, your insecurities now come back because this is new territory for u, a loving, caring, balanced relationship, where u can support each other thru college, careers, ambitions & basically having fun without just the need for it to be a physical thing. (if that is what you're wanting from it obviously)

It's not abnormal at all feeling unsafe & insecure in new relationships, especially if u both really like each other & want to try a make it work, your past is your past, you cant change it but it's good to learn from. Every relationship u have is new ground, new starts, new experiences, life itself just carries on, you're always going to be you, in every relationship -obviously- but everything around is constantly changing & letting go of its past, so maybe u can too dude


Hope everything goes well for you

speak soon

Rob D

 

[hung]

You have certainly received much support. Now adopt what applies to you and proceed forward with your life.

 

[DadsAreUs]

Those are some very insightful words, biguy...thank you. As JustAsking said, I have considered seeking professional help. I used to see someone when I was 16 when my older brother, Luis, died and I began to act out on it, and we discussed some of my self worth/self esteem troubles. I think it's possible that it's because I became sexual at a young age and then became extremely sexual afterwards that I feel this way - used, cheap, only wanted for sexual reasons: my looks, my body, my dick. Although this relationship with Elda is not only sexually fulfilling, it's intellectually fulfilling and spiritually fulfilling, all the good things...I really like her, although my insecurities are still creeping about.

Maybe I should see a counselor, a pyschologist. Perhaps going back to some therapy - albeit, for different reasons...although this problem was somewhat touched upon back then as well - would help.

Thank you guys for not judging me and responding in a mature matter. It's great of you, really.

Adam,

I think seeking out some counseling is an excellent idea. It's great to come here and get some encouragement and advice but for serious issues like the ones you are talking about nothing can take the place of the real thing, a therapist who knows what questions to ask and has professional experience with the sort of issues you are dealing with. You are a smart, articulate, good-looking guy but you knew that already. Obviously what you are feeling goes deeper than that.

 

[frizzle]

You just seem like an attention whore to me. But don't listen to me, I'm just a cunt.