Is it okay to hook up with someone in a relationship?

[malakos]

There it is. When the believer

Why so often do people on this site so often not take my word for it when I identify myself? I said in my post that I am not committed to the Judeo-Christian tradition. I.e. I'm not a believer.

wants his scriptures to be followed literally there's no compromise. When he doesn't they become "nuanced" and allegorical, subject to "qualification" and interpretation of their meaning at the time.

Pretty much the only portions of the Christian Scriptures I am inclined primarily to interpret literally are the core events of the Gospels, and even there there are still multiple layers of meaning that can be looked at in addition. Virtually everything else can easily be seen primarily in other senses (exs: moral, allegorical, mythical, mystical).

Your claim that there are some parts that I insist on following literally without compromise is not true. For example, one part of the Gospels that I believe the writers were most trying to present as a literal historical event was Jesus' resurrection. However, the way it was written was not in a plain or clearcut way. Even in those accounts there are nuanced aspects and elements of the story that are difficult to pin down.

As for contextual interpretation... you won't ever see me contradicting that principle for biblical interpretation. Trying to be aware of the ancient Greco-Roman mindset will always be relevant in any attempt to interpret the Christian Scriptures. And any claim that the meaning of a passage is plain and obvious is inevitably ignorant hubris.

You remind of the Jesuits who attempted and failed to indoctrinate me in their faith.

Am I supposed to care that they failed?

 

[halcyondays]

I'm not a believer.

Which god do you believe in?

 

[malakos]

Which god do you believe in?

Do I have to?

 

[halcyondays]

Do I have to?

You talk about "God" in your posts all the time. I'm just curious which one is yours.

 

[malakos]

You talk about "God" in your posts all the time. I'm just curious which one is yours.

None. I have appreciation for some, theoretically speaking. But as I said, "I'm not a believer." There was a period of several years in late adolescence when I fully believed all the contents of the Nicene-Constantinopolitan Creed, but all the time before that and since I've not been a believer in any gods.

I think if you take another look at my posts you should be able to see that all my references to "God" have been in explaining systems of thought, not expressing a personal creed. When I joined 5 years ago I'd already come out the other side of the crisis of faith that led to my lapsing out of the Church.

 

[Galloper]

If you started this thread, maybe is because is making noise to you. Is very likely that you can find a bacl up cock and move on.

 

[KennF]

So, there is a straight married guy from Honduras that I hook up with every once in a while. I knew about his wife but I just found out that he has 3 kids too.
Should I stop taking care of his fat cock or just continue on?

Well, there are lots of opinions, but I'll put it in my way...

A lot of people have VERY strong opinions about cheating. He may be violating his commitments to his wife, but that is his issue. His relationship and life are not your concern, unless you are looking for more than hook up.

If your moral compass suggests that you are trying to break up their life, then you should stop.

BTW - If you thought you were just enjoying the sex, then asking this question means you are starting to take it more seriously.

@EllieP I do respect your opinion, but you equated having sex to a crime when you called it "a victimless crime".

 

[Infernal]

What a horrible perspective to have.
Would getting in the middle of someones marriage/relationship not go against your morals and ethics?

It's not necessarily something I would do, but I'm sure a lot of us have had hookups where we didn't find out until later that the person is married, or has kids. Who is ultimately responsible ? If that person didn't provide me will all the info, it certainly doesn't make me responsible for his actions. If I choose to continue it, that's another story, but the other person is responsible for their relationship. For example, I met a guy who turned out to be married. We talked a few times in person, but he came on way too strong and I wasn't interested in having sex with him. He got really weird, and I told him to go away. Eight months go by, and I haven't spoken to him in ages. I get a phone call from his wife. She started screaming at me the instant I answered the phone. He had left her for a guy half his age. I didn't know he was married when we met. I didn't have sex with him. When she stopped screaming, I was finally able to have a civil conversation with her. She presumed that I was one of many, but I wasn't. Nothing about their relationship was any concern of mine.

 

[EllieP]

@EllieP I do respect your opinion, but you equated having sex to a crime when you called it "a victimless crime".

Purely my opinion. It may not be illegal in the government's eyes, but in mine cheating is criminal.

 

[KennF]

Purely my opinion. It may not be illegal in the government's eyes, but in mine cheating is criminal.

As I said, I respect your opinion. We both know we strongly disagree on this topic, but I understand your perspective.

It's not necessarily something I would do, but I'm sure a lot of us have had hookups where we didn't find out until later that the person is married, or has kids. Who is ultimately responsible ? If that person didn't provide me will all the info, it certainly doesn't make me responsible for his actions. If I choose to continue it, that's another story, but the other person is responsible for their relationship. For example, I met a guy who turned out to be married. We talked a few times in person, but he came on way too strong and I wasn't interested in having sex with him. He got really weird, and I told him to go away. Eight months go by, and I haven't spoken to him in ages. I get a phone call from his wife. She started screaming at me the instant I answered the phone. He had left her for a guy half his age. I didn't know he was married when we met. I didn't have sex with him. When she stopped screaming, I was finally able to have a civil conversation with her. She presumed that I was one of many, but I wasn't. Nothing about their relationship was any concern of mine.

From my point of view, the wife was misdirecting her anger at you. She felt betrayed by her husband. In that moment of hurt, she felt everyone owed her the respect that she had wanted from her husband. Anyone tangentially involved was to 'blame'.

Part of the fallacy there is that people think a marriage is permanent. It also suggests that once you are married, you don't have to work at your marriage. People 'rest their laurels' after obtaining the ring. Most people forget that marriage is a day-by-day commitment where the promise, of future tomorrows, makes it strong.

I know that reminder rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but *shrug* c'est la vie.

 

[EllieP]

As I said, I respect your opinion. We both know we strongly disagree on this topic, but I understand your perspective.



From my point of view, the wife was misdirecting her anger at you. She felt betrayed by her husband. In that moment of hurt, she felt everyone owed her the respect that she had wanted from her husband. Anyone tangentially involved was to 'blame'.

Part of the fallacy there is that people think a marriage is permanent. It also suggests that once you are married, you don't have to work at your marriage. People 'rest their laurels' after obtaining the ring. Most people forget that marriage is a day-by-day commitment where the promise, of future tomorrows, makes it strong.

I know that reminder rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but *shrug* c'est la vie.

See, we do see eye to eye on many things. Marriage is always a work in progress. It's when one partner becomes tired of putting forth more effort or being unrewarded or unappreciated for that effort that wandering eyes and minds begin to toy with ideas outside of the partnership.

And your reminder should be one of the first thing a married person should face each morning.

 

[killerb]

What would you do? LOL

WOW!!! I really don't know what I'd do...I'd probably be like the 2 guys...yeah, I'd probably just keep quiet.

 

[Infernal]

From my point of view, the wife was misdirecting her anger at you. She felt betrayed by her husband. In that moment of hurt, she felt everyone owed her the respect that she had wanted from her husband. Anyone tangentially involved was to 'blame'.

Part of the fallacy there is that people think a marriage is permanent. It also suggests that once you are married, you don't have to work at your marriage. People 'rest their laurels' after obtaining the ring. Most people forget that marriage is a day-by-day commitment where the promise, of future tomorrows, makes it strong.

I know that reminder rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but *shrug* c'est la vie.

Marriage is work, like a house plant, if you don't tend to it, eventually it dies. I was probably not the only person she called and screamed at. I did point out his flamboyant behavior to her, and the fact that maybe she was willfully ignorant of his sexuality, even if they did have a child together. I had a sexual fling with a married man many years ago. He said he was separated, turned out he wasn't. He said they got back together and we couldn't fuck anymore. Whatever. The true status of their relationship wasn't my problem. Was that flexible ethics on my part? Who cares? We were both adults in charge of our own decisions.

 

[Clean Cut and Hung]

I have no problem hooking up with "straight" married men.

However, I don't hook up with known partnered/married gay guys.

 

[AlteredEgo]

@EllieP I do respect your opinion, but you equated having sex to a crime when you called it "a victimless crime".

Actually, where I live it is a crime. It also is seen to be in violation of the cheated spouses civil rights and they can sue the other party.

 

[rtg]

As a matter of my own morals I think it's wrong. I've hooked up with guys in relationships in my early 20s but would never again. I don't want to be the home wrecker or to do that to another woman, even if I don't know her. If the partner knows about it and is fine with it then that's a different story though.

 

[gma26_4521]

Getting your thrills out of hooking up at some point is juvenile behavior. I see no justification for mature adults behaving in such a fashion. Who wants to be on the other end of that kick in the gut? I suppose if two people agree...whatever. But I am not down on that at all, and if your desire is to hook up "behind" your partners back-get the hell out of the relationship and let the partner free. And the person being "hooked" with is more than likely being used as an aside and nothing will ever develop in most cases. So two people lose actually.

 

[KennF]

Actually, where I live it is a crime. It also is seen to be in violation of the cheated spouses civil rights and they can sue the other party.

Well, if challenged, I cannot imagine such a law passing muster.
To charge someone with unknowingly having sex with a married person is a violation of basic mens rea (criminal intent). And every person would claim they didn't know the other person was married. The "law" that criminalizes it cannot expect that eery person will review all marriage records before engage in sexual relations.

I would be interested in seeing the actual statutes, or ordinances, you speak of and follow them (and their associated case law).

 

[KennF]

Marriage is work, like a house plant, if you don't tend to it, eventually it dies. I was probably not the only person she called and screamed at. I did point out his flamboyant behavior to her, and the fact that maybe she was willfully ignorant of his sexuality, even if they did have a child together. I had a sexual fling with a married man many years ago. He said he was separated, turned out he wasn't. He said they got back together and we couldn't fuck anymore. Whatever. The true status of their relationship wasn't my problem. Was that flexible ethics on my part? Who cares? We were both adults in charge of our own decisions.

What's ironic in your story is that in taking out her aggression towards you, she was committing her own crime of assault.

 

[KennF]

See, we do see eye to eye on many things. Marriage is always a work in progress. It's when one partner becomes tired of putting forth more effort or being unrewarded or unappreciated for that effort that wandering eyes and minds begin to toy with ideas outside of the partnership.

And your reminder should be one of the first thing a married person should face each morning.

We do agree, on a lot.
We, also, disagree on what is "cheating"; who is "cheating"; and what should be the ramifications of "cheating".

From my experience, relationships take a lot of work, and the majority of people I know assume many things when entering into and while in a relationship. My first experience of this was with back in the 80's with a boyfriend I had been dating for a long time. We were talking about moving in together and our future (marriage wasn't legal), I thought and assumed we were monogamous. He didn't.

We had been raised in two different cultures. I was raised by very traditional parents who hadn't known/accepted I was gay. He grew up by a drunken single mother who couldn't have cared less.

Many people talk about the victim and the harm to the other person... that was me. They would blame him for all the harm he did to me. But they would miss one simple truth... I never confirmed, never asked, never said, and never communicated that was my intention. I just assumed it, and so part of the fault was in MY expectation.