Is it okay to hook up with someone in a relationship?

[firsttimecaller]

There is a surprising amount of apathy for the people getting fucked over by their significant other in here.

 

[KennF]

There is a surprising amount of apathy for the people getting fucked over by their significant other in here.

Not so. However, most people are able to compartmentalize the different issues.

If you read the posts about how the poster's S.O. was cheated on, the conversations are very different. There is a great deal of compassion in those circumstances.

And there are plenty of posts talking about the person in the middle. There are firm and clear delineated positions on those threads. Most of the time the discussion is on openness, communication, whether or not to leave the relationship (in lieu of sleeping around behind someone's back), and on how to talk to the S.O. on their needs/wants.

These threads, where the person is the third/outside person, those are the ones where things get mixed opinions.

 

[EllieP]

We do agree, on a lot.
We, also, disagree on what is "cheating"; who is "cheating"; and what should be the ramifications of "cheating".

I've heard a few definitions of cheating, but for me only two hold true.

The least common definition has a religious connotation that I don't necessarily prescribe to but it's having sex without your spouse. This includes self-satisfaction or even thinking about having sex outside of a relationship. That's a bit too onerous to me, so I feel that as long as he's OK with it then I'm in the clear.

The most common definition is having sex with anyone other than your spouse. In this definition it takes two to cheat. I'll add two or more. You cannot cheat without another person. And that other person is party to the cheating whether they admit that or not or take responsibility for the repercussions.

I'm going to go one step further and refine the definition to be having sex with anyone other than your spouse without their permission.

So, the test would be to see if his wife is OK with him having sex with a gay man. If he doesn't want her to know then it's cheating.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I'll never understand the "it's the married persons issue to deal with their relationship, it's not wrong to be the 3rd wheel" argument. Helping someone lie to their loved one, especially when physical health is involved is just wrong.

If I found out he was cheating and the other woman sincerely had no clue he was with me, I'd hold it against Him 100%. If I found out he was cheating and the other woman knew about his monogamous relationship with me, I'm not one to condone violence... but I won't say I'd be able to keep myself from fucking her up. I might snap.

 

[KennF]

I'm going to go one step further and refine the definition to be having sex with anyone other than your spouse without their permission.

I can certainly work with this one as a starting point.

Even this definition has issues...

First, whether you assume that permission is not granted unless it is, or vice versa. There are questions as to what was permitted... sleep with a woman, or a man, either, or both, or group sex... one time or multiple times... escorts... safe sex... etc...

Second, no where in this definition do you create an obligation on the third/outside person. So, if I sleep with a man, does the fact that he is married make me guilty? Does it matter (to this 'crime) whether I know he's married? Does it matter (to this 'crime') whether I'm told by him or find out independently? Does it matter (to this 'crime') that he's filed for divorce or is just separated?

*chuckle*

That's the reason why I learned, it is better just to discuss it, early in the relationship. It can be as easy as saying, "So, we're monogamous now?"

 

[KennF]

I'll never understand the "it's the married persons issue to deal with their relationship, it's not wrong to be the 3rd wheel" argument. Helping someone lie to their loved one, especially when physical health is involved is just wrong.

If I found out he was cheating and the other woman sincerely had no clue he was with me, I'd hold it against Him 100%. If I found out he was cheating and the other woman knew about his monogamous relationship with me, I'm not one to condone violence... but I won't say I'd be able to keep myself from fucking her up. I might snap.

*chuckle*

Do you also blame the first place winner in a contest where you came in 2nd, 3rd, or last place?

She has no obligation to you; never made a commitment to you; probably doesn't know you; or may only know a story about you. She doesn't even have an obligation to talk to you to let you know whether she knew or not.

You'd have every reason to be angry with him. HE made a commitment.
But... how would YOU feel if a strange woman came up to you, in anger, and started demanding you tell her about your current boyfriend/sex partner?

Me? I'd feel defensive and tell her to screw her and get out of my face.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

*chuckle*

Do you also blame the first place winner in a contest where you came in 2nd, 3rd, or last place?

She has no obligation to you; never made a commitment to you; probably doesn't know you; or may only know a story about you. She doesn't even have an obligation to talk to you to let you know whether she knew or not.

You'd have every reason to be angry with him. HE made a commitment.
But... how would YOU feel if a strange woman came up to you, in anger, and started demanding you tell her about your current boyfriend/sex partner?

Me? I'd feel defensive and tell her to screw her and get out of my face.

I'm not talking about sports. I'm talking about relationships. They're a lot more complex than a game with winners and losers.

If "she" knows he's in a monogamous relationship and she's willingly helping him cheat, even tho she's made no commitment, she helped break one. Knowingly. Fuck that.

A person who knowingly fucks someone in a monogamous relationship behind the back of that person's partner is a piece of shit in my eyes. It's low life as fuck.

Some may think I'm close minded. I'm fine with that.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Well, if challenged, I cannot imagine such a law passing muster.
To charge someone with unknowingly having sex with a married person is a violation of basic mens rea (criminal intent). And every person would claim they didn't know the other person was married. The "law" that criminalizes it cannot expect that eery person will review all marriage records before engage in sexual relations.

I would be interested in seeing the actual statutes, or ordinances, you speak of and follow them (and their associated case law).

Unknowingly? We're not talking about unknowingly, are we? If we were, I apologise.

Anyway, look up divorce laws in VA whenever you like.

 

[MisterB]

I've been a monogamous relationship for almost 40 years. We are just both wired that way. We both had been cheated on, and monogamy was the "deal-breaker" for us.

Prior to meeting him, I had two live-in, what I thought to be monogamous relationships. I was wrong. Upon verifying their extra curricular activities, both found themselves newly single to pursue said extra curricular activities. There was no second chance. That's because we discussed early on, after each pledging everlasting love to the other, that we would not see other people sexually. Period.

As to the OP's situation, I am not privy to the circumstances of his paramour's marriage. However, I would hazard to guess that should this affair be discovered, the wife may be as if not more surprised/upset by the fact that her husband's mistress is a man. Who knows?

But seriously here, three innocent children are involved. That for me, IF I were wired to be a third wheel in someone' relationship, would be more than enough to break things off immediately upon learning of that fact.

Now, to the OP's question. No for ME, it is not okay to hook up with someone in a relationship. Especially when children are involved that could be adversely affected by said hooking up. Kids have it tough enough in today's world.

But then again, we all know some folks have no qualms about much these days. For some, getting their nut is all that matters.

 

[Beanie]

So, there is a straight married guy from Honduras that I hook up with every once in a while. I knew about his wife but I just found out that he has 3 kids too.
Should I stop taking care of his fat cock or just continue on?

I completely disagree with cheating in any way, shape or form. If you can be comfortable seeing a man that you know has a partner and who I am assuming doesn’t know about you two so you are going behind their back I just don’t see how kids changes the situation.

You do you, but I disagree

 

[Beanie]

I never quite understood the whole concept of "cheating" and why it upsets people so much. I wouldn't like it if my partner lied to me, but if he or she wanted to have some playtime outdoors, by all means indulge yourself. If you don't tell me, I have nothing to be upset about. I have been far more jealous when partners decided to ignore me, prefer quality time with others and especially when they shared their deepest feelings with others instead of me. I find that kind of 'betrayal' far more upsetting than any sexual escapades.

Back to the OP; why should he feel guilty about something he plays no part in. It's not the OP who's hurting the wife, he probably doesn't even know her. Nor does he know if she's hurt at all. You don't serve a drink to an alcoholic, because it hurts HIM but can't I serve a drink to someone who promised his wife not to drink?

You’ve clearly never been cheated on by someone you’ve had a deep and meanifull relationship and someone you love and spent years with. You view makes no sense to me.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I never quite understood the whole concept of "cheating" and why it upsets people so much. I wouldn't like it if my partner lied to me, but if he or she wanted to have some playtime outdoors, by all means indulge yourself. If you don't tell me, I have nothing to be upset about.

For the sake of perspective, I'll share why I'd be devastated if he cheated:

We share bodies, and we have unprotected sex. I don't think I need to go into detail as to why it matters whether or not he's having sex with other people. My health is involved.

Also, I won't deny the jealousy and where it comes from. I don't want him being with other women because I want to feel like I'm Satisfying him the way he does me. I genuinely don't want sex from anyone other than him. I'm not attracted to any other person alive the way I'm attracted to him. If he told me he wanted an open relationship it'd break my heart because to me, there is no one else to waste my time with. I wouldn't want other partners. I admit, I want to be with someone who sees me the same way.

One last reason, I wouldn't want to risk having another woman getting pregnant with his kid. It'd just tear me apart.

As shallow as all that may seem to some, it's my truth, and I share for the sake of helping others to see why they're actions cause so much harm. Honestly, words do not do the pain cheating causes justice.

 

[Beanie]

Well, there are lots of opinions, but I'll put it in my way...

A lot of people have VERY strong opinions about cheating. He may be violating his commitments to his wife, but that is his issue. His relationship and life are not your concern, unless you are looking for more than hook up.

If your moral compass suggests that you are trying to break up their life, then you should stop.

BTW - If you thought you were just enjoying the sex, then asking this question means you are starting to take it more seriously.

@EllieP I do respect your opinion, but you equated having sex to a crime when you called it "a victimless crime".

I disagree if you are aware of the partner then you are a party to cheating.

 

[Beanie]

There is a surprising amount of apathy for the people getting fucked over by their significant other in here.

Because maybe there’s a lot of people in this thread who have been fucked over!

 

[deleted1058283]

I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts on this.
I know that his wife knows about us.
That being said, when I am in a relationship, I am EXTREMELY monogamous and cheating is not something that I tolerate.
I don't know what their agreement is but I have told him that I will no longer participate in any sexual relations with him because I have no desire to be associated with ANY reason to separate or destroy his family and his marriage.
I have learned my lesson completely!!!
While I have no issue with being with a straight man, I do not want to be with one that is in a committed relationship or with one that has a family that would suffer because of my actions.

 

[Lee_M]

It's not necessarily something I would do, but I'm sure a lot of us have had hookups where we didn't find out until later that the person is married, or has kids. Who is ultimately responsible ? If that person didn't provide me will all the info, it certainly doesn't make me responsible for his actions. If I choose to continue it, that's another story, but the other person is responsible for their relationship. For example, I met a guy who turned out to be married. We talked a few times in person, but he came on way too strong and I wasn't interested in having sex with him. He got really weird, and I told him to go away. Eight months go by, and I haven't spoken to him in ages. I get a phone call from his wife. She started screaming at me the instant I answered the phone. He had left her for a guy half his age. I didn't know he was married when we met. I didn't have sex with him. When she stopped screaming, I was finally able to have a civil conversation with her. She presumed that I was one of many, but I wasn't. Nothing about their relationship was any concern of mine.

You can only make decisions based on what you now, so if you genuinely dont know the person is in a relationship, then its a whole different ball gam. But if you do know they are in a relationship, and you still chose to pursue under the pretense of it not being your problem, well that shows a whole lot about a persons character.

 

[malakos]

Actually, where I live it is a crime. It also is seen to be in violation of the cheated spouses civil rights and they can sue the other party.

Wow! I had no idea that adultery laws were still around!

 

[cdog204]

Going back to the OP, I don't think having an 'affair' is really that big of a deal. If you want to have sex with somebody and they want to have sex with you, do it. What difference does it make if the other participant is 'married?' What the hell is that? A piece of paper. Have fun.

 

[KennF]

I disagree if you are aware of the partner then you are a party to cheating.

You are welcome to disagree, and that's your opinion. However, under your hypothetical, my knowledge of their relationship still doesn't bind me to it.

When I go car shopping, if someone else has their eyes on a particular car, and I know of it, it doesn't stop me from asking for it and attempting to buy it.

The salesperson should not sell it to me, and, if the do they, are liable for damages to the other person.

 

[KennF]

Unknowingly? We're not talking about unknowingly, are we? If we were, I apologise.

Anyway, look up divorce laws in VA whenever you like.

VA Statutes define adultery as a "married person voluntarily engaging in sexual intercourse with a person not his or her spouse". So, the third/outside person is not engaged in adultery.

However, VA also criminalizes ALL non-married sex. "§ 18.2-344. Fornication. Any person, not being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any other person, shall be guilty of fornication, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor."

The one side effect is that means NOONE has to answer questions about having sex. Technically, having sex (outside of marriage) means that you can invoke your 5th Amendment right and never have to tell, since it is self-incriminating.

That's wild. So, the spouse can approach me... even accused me... all I have to say is "nothing at all".

Further, the crime requires 'clear and convincing' proof. Not just to the standard 'preponderance of the evidence' standard.