Is it possible to be too stressed for a relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by NottsBound, Jan 30, 2012.

  1. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    Hi guys. My girlfriend of 3 years just broke up with me after a nasty argument. She forgave me for it but she said that she doesn't want a boyfriend because ever since she started studying this intense course, she hasn't been enjoying the relationship.

    She said I was the best boyfriend ever until she started her post-grad course and we often talked about Marriage and moving in together, now this kind of talk doesn't interest her at all.

    She called me up drunk last week daying " I love you and I miss you, please hold on for a little longer" then we got in an argument because I said it's unfair to say these things and not be with me. Now she tells me not to wait for her.

    Is it possible for her to not want to be with me just cause of the stress? She says she doesn't want me as a boyfriend right now and isn't planning on seeing anyone else at all. However we are currently on good terms

    Do you guys suggest I move on and forget about her or try to be the best friend I can be for her and prove to her I can support her? Is this the end of our love or just a temporary thing?

    I am grateful for all the help you guys can give me, this is a difficult period for me.

    (If it helps she studies law, which requires a lot of studying)
     
    #1 NottsBound, Jan 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  2. dolfette

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    i've been through periods where i was too damn busy & stressed, stretch far too thin, to spare any of myself for a partner.

    but... it sounds like she may not be coping. is the stress having an impact on her mental & physical health?
     
  3. bobg4400

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    I'd agree with dolfette and add that I have a cousin whos doing a studying-intensive degree too and she and her boyfriend took a temporary break because she coudln't cope with the relationship and the studying but they both agreed to wait and then after she got to grips with the degree and felt like she could cope with it they started their relationship up again. They stayed good friends throughout.
     
  4. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    To me, she's beautiful but there are a signs that she is quite stressed. I wouldn't say there's any real harmful impact on her though.
     
  5. rayray

    rayray Active Member

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    I think when you talk to her while she is drinking and she says things that contradicts herself is confusing because of the mixed messages you are getting.She sounds way to stressed out to make sense..If she has deep enough feelings for you i'd say give her the space and wait for her to call you when she is ready.
     
  6. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    She at first instisted we remain friends but said that maybe we shouldn't it hurt me too much. I'm stuck deciding on which one!
     
  7. dolfette

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    then all you can do is be supportive until she adjusts and gets to grips.
     
  8. OhWiseOne

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    This may sound harsh but here goes. I don't see a problem with you being a good friend and supporting her during these times. What she needs to understand is that you shouldn't put your life on hold during this time. I'm not saying go out and start looking for another person but you should be able to explore that option if it arises.

    Good luck.
     
  9. Phil Ayesho

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    Stay friendly... be there for her as a supportive, compassionate man... but do not allow yourself to hang onto the promise of a future relationship...

    Start looking around and be open to the idea of finding someone else.


    The thing is, if she is this incapable of handling a relationship and something like a college level class that requires some work... she is no more likely to be able to handle the far greater stressors that come with career, marriage and family.


    Some folks react to stress by cuddling closer- some by taking it out on the person they purport to love.
    This latter type is always gonna be a challenge if they don't learn young to knock it off.

    On the other and, chances are you are not totally innocent in this dynamic, either.

    She is reacting this way because she see's relationship with you as nothing more than one more set of demands being made upon her.

    So, ask yourself if your style of loving comes in the form of neediness, of insistent demands on her time and attention...

    Or does it come in the form being supporting?

    Supporting her would be, for example, bringing her something to eat when you know she is studying hard, and leaving it for her while you make yourself scarce so as not to be a distraction.
    In short, be an example of how low stress love CAN be... how it can be a refuge from stress, rather than another chore for which to feel responsible.

    So, back to the first place... try and be supportive without making demands, and both you and she my find your individual paths to a more mature and less stressful way of having a relationship.
     
  10. aninnymouse

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    This.

    Yeah, it is possible to have so many other things going on in your life to not want a relationship. Relationships take work, and if you have a burning ambition to get what your degree, finish school, etc. then yeah, ofthentimes, the relationships go.

    The question is, what does she REALLY want. It sounds like she still has feelings for you. Perhaps she doesn't want to string you along, and make you wait, but she still wants to get back with you.

    Here's a question: How long does she have to go before she finishes up with her degree? If it's a couple of more years, then it really is too much to ask you to wait for her, and perhaps she realizes this.

    It IS rather selfish of her to ask you to wait, especially if it's very long. It sounds like she does care for you, and deep down realizes that yeah, it is a bit selfish of her, which is why she is saying not to wait. Then, when she's drunk, what she really wants comes out, and she wants to be with you.

    I say, yeah, it's okay to want to be supportive, and be a friend to her, but live your life. If that means dating casually, playing the field, etc, then so be it.
     
  11. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    Thank you for your support guys. Means alot to me. I think I'll try and hide my emotions and be as good a friend as I can.

    For those who asked, it's a long distance relationship and she has 6 months left on her course. The initial breakup was terrible cause of tears and various arguments and such. I met her today and she said lets be friends but didn't wanna kiss me to give me mixed messages. She does not want to be with me at all and she says the degree is what changed her.

    Does anyone have a different view?
     
    #11 NottsBound, Jan 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  12. slate_australis

    slate_australis New Member

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    People change, you can't always keep people in the way you want them to be. I would say give yourself some space and time (a relationship that was worth having, is worth grieving for) keep yourself busy and don't expect to get her back.

    And stop torturing yourself by seeing her, time can be a tremendous healer.
     
  13. monel

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    I think if a relationship is working as it should, it is a source of comfort and security. When other areas of life become very stressful, the relationship is a respite. If the relationship only adds to the stress, then it might be time to re-evaluate. Maybe expectations have gotten to high, to fast. Demands may be overly taxing. You should not put your life on hold but, if it is something that you want, you may wish to leave the door open should she realize that she is better with you than without.

    Having said that, my own relationship is so fucked up there is a good chance I have no idea what I'm talking about.
     
    #13 monel, Jan 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  14. OhWiseOne

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    If that is what she said then I believe your question is answered. Move on.
     
  15. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    Should I stay as a friend and help support her or just let her go?
     
  16. monel

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    I missed the part where you said it was a long distance relationship. If I had to guess, I'd say she has already moved on with someone else and really doesn't want you as a friend. You should do the same.

    Previous disclaimer still operative.
     
  17. OhWiseOne

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    ^ This^ Long distance + I need time = She is done.

    May want to reconsidered my thoughts on support also. Not saying be a dick but she has moved on I believe.
     
  18. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    It's still long distance and we still see each other as much as we can. Once a month to once a week. She isn't seeing someone else because I trust her not to do so, she also told me she isn't too.

    I am convinced and beleive it is the stress that is holding her back. Part of her wants me back, I know that...I just want to know a way to get that part out of her...hence why I wanna know if we should be friends or cut contact?
     
  19. dolfette

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    will having her friendship enrich your life?
    or prolong the pain?
    only you know the answer.
     
  20. NottsBound

    NottsBound Active Member

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    I don't know...I feel I want her back and by giving the support she needs, she will value me, therefore when she is available for a relationship we could try again.

    She told me she wants to be friends and I don't wanna lose her. Not just as a girlfriend but as someone who meant a lot to me in my life.
     
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