Is it that obvious?

Willifred

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So without going into too much detail here is the story. Went out with girl my senior year of high school (2006-7) for about a year. We were eachothers first boyfriend and girlfriend, she was afraid of getting pregnant and being the nice guy I didn’t pressure her into having sex. As far as we went were handjobs and fingering. Couple months after we break up she gets a new boyfriend and from what I heard from her friend he basically pressured her into having sex. 4 years since and she is your typical college girl.

Here is my “situation.” Ever since we broke up I have been by her side, I have seen the boyfriends/fuck buddies/drunken party guys come and go but I never really got the impression she was trying to make a move on me. Here we are almost 5 years after breaking up and I still have very strong feelings for her.

The past year or so has been very different. Like some girls she was very attached to the guy that took her virginity, she always told her friends she hated him but was basically still sleeping with him (some 3 year years later) because of the “comfort” thing. But he has been out of her life for a good portion of the past year.

I am terrible with signs from girls, you basically have to sit in my lap for me to figure out a girl is trying to make a move on me. I have no problem admitting I am very shy and don’t have much confidence. So there is my problem.

So here are some things that my friends have labeled as “signs” but I just blew off:

-She came home from school for a weekend. She was going to be the only one in the house the entire weekend. She kept saying “ya it’s just going to be me and the dogs on the bed tonight”. My friends have said its obvious she wanted some company in bed.

-I went to visit her at her school and have dinner. In order to get home I have to go over a mountain pass which can get a lot of snow, with my luck the snow started dumping as we started having dinner. Throughout dinner she kept looking at the pass conditions on her phone and saying over and over “so what are you going to do if the passes close?” My friends say she was hinting at having me ask her if I could spend the night at her place.

-It was her 22 birthday around Christmas time. I was the only guy she invited, there were about 10 of her girl friends there. They all kind of lit up with excitement when I got there and she got a little embarrassed. Throughout the night we talked and she smeared my face with some whip cream that came from a drink she had.

-Last year at her 21st birthday I was once again the only guy. She was literally attached to my hip the entire night and kept saying “thank you so much for coming” and “I’m so happy you’re here”. As we left the bar we hugged and she went to her car looked at me and said “love ya”. To me this was just a typical 21 year old girl drunk statement.


To you the person who has never met us does this sound like she is trying to give me “signs”? My friends aren’t the most experienced with girls. And one of them is the type who will just tell you what you want to hear. So its really hard to believe what they are saying in terms of her giving me signs. Like I said I am terrible with signs from girls, and I almost feel like I have been so beaten down by this girl since I have had to see the guys shes been with that I am basically oblivious to these signs she is giving me, if that is what they actually are.

Thanks for any help.

Are they signs, or are they you looking for signs?

The only way you'll ever know is by making a move or telling this lady how you feel about her. I wish you luck, you sound like a decent guy.
 

Tongue_action

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So without going into too much detail here is the story. Went out with girl my senior year of high school (2006-7) for about a year. We were eachothers first boyfriend and girlfriend, she was afraid of getting pregnant and being the nice guy I didn’t pressure her into having sex. As far as we went were handjobs and fingering. Couple months after we break up she gets a new boyfriend and from what I heard from her friend he basically pressured her into having sex. 4 years since and she is your typical college girl.

Here is my “situation.” Ever since we broke up I have been by her side, I have seen the boyfriends/fuck buddies/drunken party guys come and go but I never really got the impression she was trying to make a move on me. Here we are almost 5 years after breaking up and I still have very strong feelings for her.

The past year or so has been very different. Like some girls she was very attached to the guy that took her virginity, she always told her friends she hated him but was basically still sleeping with him (some 3 year years later) because of the “comfort” thing.Q But he has been out of her life for a good portion of the past year.

I am terrible with signs from girls, you basically have to sit in my lap for me to figure out a girl is trying to make a move on me. I have no problem admitting I am very shy and don’t have much confidence. So there is my problem.

So here are some things that my friends have labeled as “signs” but I just blew off:

-She came home from school for a weekend. She was going to be the only one in the house the entire weekend. She kept saying “ya it’s just going to be me and the dogs on the bed tonight”. My friends have said its obvious she wanted some company in bed.

-I went to visit her at her school and have dinner. In order to get home I have to go over a mountain pass which can get a lot of snow, with my luck the snow started dumping as we started having dinner. Throughout dinner she kept looking at the pass conditions on her phone and saying over and over “so what are you going to do if the passes close?” My friends say she was hinting at having me ask her if I could spend the night at her place.

-It was her 22 birthday around Christmas time. I was the only guy she invited, there were about 10 of her girl friends there. They all kind of lit up with excitement when I got there and she got a little embarrassed. Throughout the night we talked and she smeared my face with some whip cream that came from a drink she had.

-Last year at her 21st birthday I was once again the only guy. She was literally attached to my hip the entire night and kept saying “thank you so much for coming” and “I’m so happy you’re here”. As we left the bar we hugged and she went to her car looked at me and said “love ya”. To me this was just a typical 21 year old girl drunk statement.


To you the person who has never met us does this sound like she is trying to give me “signs”? My friends aren’t the most experienced with girls. And one of them is the type who will just tell you what you want to hear. So its really hard to believe what they are saying in terms of her giving me signs. Like I said I am terrible with signs from girls, and I almost feel like I have been so beaten down by this girl since I have had to see the guys shes been with that I am basically oblivious to these signs she is giving me, if that is what they actually are.

Thanks for any help.


Write a book, then a screenplay...this is romcom gold!
 

B_625girth

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yeh, all the signs are there, but is she just flirting with you or does she want a relationship and a bedmate. granted I've been off the scene and married for a long time, but when I was younger, and got these signals. I was shy also but would finally throw caution to the wind, and sometimes it was, "oh were just friends/you're like a brother to me/ or you're not my type. sometimes I scored, sometimes not. it's time just to ask her.
 

aninnymouse

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Talk to her. Explain how you feel, I'd be willing to bet money that she is having some sort of feelings for you, even if it is to "try you out" and see if it would be good with you.

She knows you, she's comfortable with you. I say, she wants to sleep with you.

Go for it.
 

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So here is an update. She starting “seeing” (her exact word was "friends") a guy shortly after her birthday and I kind of disappeared, which is normal in our friendship/relationship. In March I accepted a job that will essentially start the career I have wanted since the day we met, the job starts next week and is in a different state. she was the only girl that had been in my life that didn’t contact me saying congrats, girls who I hadn’t heard from in 2/3 years said something but yet she, who I had seen a month earlier said nothing. This hurt me, not because she ddint say anything, but because every other girl did and she didn’t.

A couple days after this I was visiting her at her school and got stupid drunk, I didn’t say/do anything stupid I was just an obnoxious drunk. Before we went out drinking I brought up the whole moving thing and she finally acknowledged it, but she said this “ugh do you even know anybody over there?” to me this was sort of a slap in the face. No congrats, good job, well done, etc. to me this could be several things; she’s jealous I get to start my career when she really has no clue what to do in life, she doesn’t want me to leave, the state I am moving to is where she wants to live so once again jealous issues, or she just really is that big of a bitch. This was like on March 8th.

I hadn’t heard from her until this Tuesday (April 24) my plan was to drive through her town and not say anything to her when I move, because to me she didn’t deserve it. Well she texted me asking when I move and we need to hangout. I hungout with her yesterday and it was “interesting.” We started off by going to the golf driving range, which was something we had done several times when we were together many years ago. After this we had no clue what to do so we drove around for about two hours, which is something we did a lot when we were together but never once after we split. We even went to this little “haunted” town which once again we hadn’t done since we were together. Throughout our drive she brought up several times how she had been at this location with me or that didn’t I do community service at that spot? Just basically brining up the past.

It seems like when we hangout lately that we both want to talk about something but that we are both too scared/shy/stubborn to bring it up. I definitely want to just talk everything out that has happened in the past 5 years and how I felt, and I feel like I need to do this before I move. I just feel like if I were to start talking that she would just shut me down.

I just don’t know what to do, do I text her and be like can we talk? Her friends all like me and one of her older (older to both of us) friends loves me and I feel like I could contact her and basically run it past her and see what she thinks. Or do I just move without telling her?

I am so confused…
 

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Well to provide another update. I moved away to start my job about a month ago. When I left I stopped off and visited her. We went to coffee for about an hour. Then she signed me up for twitter, to me (and my friends) this seems like another way to keep in contact with me/know what I am doing, agree?

Last week I got a text from her asking for my address. Several days later I received her college graduation announcement and a picture from her. This was pretty cool but I later learned that me and her "bestfriend" that lives in England were her only friends that received the card from her, the others were all family/parents friends. I guess she didn't even send one to her own dad (he moved out a couple years ago).

What does this all (including initial and "update" posts) mean?? Thanks!
 

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At this point, maybe you should talk to her about things. Just ask her how she feels because you feel like you are getting mixed signals from her and want to know where your relationship is going. You, as a person, should not be the planned future desperation husband.

Have you been with anyone since your breakup? How has she reacted to your partners?
 

sbat

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Ignore all the advice you've been reading here. Clearly, it's much better to constantly wonder "what-if" and second guess what you're seeing than to actually just do something, because if you do so much as to take a breath at the wrong time in taking action, you'll fuck everything up for good and your whole life will be ruined.
 

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I'm thinking it's time that you stop making this girl the center of your universe. Honestly, she's done nothing to deserve that privilege. I think you are familiar to her. She got used to you making her priority and being there for her. It was inconvenient for her when you chose to move away.

As far as the whole "signals" thing? She has had plenty of time and opportunities to tell you she wants something more than friendship. (When I want a man in my life - I'm pretty damn direct. (shrugz). Maybe that's just me?) If it didn't happen when you were in close proximity, it's unlikely that anything will happen long distance.

Now I'm sure she genuinely cares for you as a friend, but if she wanted more she would have done something about it. Stop letting her string you along. It's time that you get out there and start dating/spending time with other girls. You seem like a sweetheart. Some cute girl that is more deserving of your time and attention is out there. You're going to miss that opportunity if you keep wasting your time on this friend of yours.

Good luck! :wink:
 

bigman79

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Have you been with anyone since your breakup? How has she reacted to your partners?

I have not had an actual girlfriend since her. Have I had flings/fuckbuddies that she knew about, yes. And she freaked out about it. She has never asked about if I was seeing anyone while she was single, it was only when she had her first boyfriend (after me). While I always had no problem asking if she was seeing anyone.

Our mutual friend even says that when she brings up other girls I have in my life that my ex gets all flustered.
 

Pdick

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I'm thinking it's time that you stop making this girl the center of your universe. Honestly, she's done nothing to deserve that privilege. I think you are familiar to her. She got used to you making her priority and being there for her. It was inconvenient for her when you chose to move away.

As far as the whole "signals" thing? She has had plenty of time and opportunities to tell you she wants something more than friendship. (When I want a man in my life - I'm pretty damn direct. (shrugz). Maybe that's just me?) If it didn't happen when you were in close proximity, it's unlikely that anything will happen long distance.

Now I'm sure she genuinely cares for you as a friend, but if she wanted more she would have done something about it. Stop letting her string you along. It's time that you get out there and start dating/spending time with other girls. You seem like a sweetheart. Some cute girl that is more deserving of your time and attention is out there. You're going to miss that opportunity if you keep wasting your time on this friend of yours.

Good luck! :wink:
^
|
|
This:biggthumpup:
 

bigman79

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As far as the whole "signals" thing? She has had plenty of time and opportunities to tell you she wants something more than friendship. (When I want a man in my life - I'm pretty damn direct. (shrugz). Maybe that's just me?) If it didn't happen when you were in close proximity, it's unlikely that anything will happen long distance.

Now I'm sure she genuinely cares for you as a friend, but if she wanted more she would have done something about it. Stop letting her string you along. It's time that you get out there and start dating/spending time with other girls. You seem like a sweetheart. Some cute girl that is more deserving of your time and attention is out there. You're going to miss that opportunity if you keep wasting your time on this friend of yours.

I know it won't happen in the long distance and I am not looking at that right now. I guess I am just wondering what is going through her mind. Why keep me along for all these years, and keep me involved in the big things in her life? The only guy at her bdays, the graduation thing, etc. When she has had other guys in her life.

Am I a shy person? Yes, and even with her now, because I always thought there might be signals or I could be wrong and it could blow up on me. Supposedly there were times maybe she did want more, but I just didnt act on it.

Sometimes it does seem like she is just holding on to me because one day she thinks she may want more or whatever. Why else would you still be so close to an ex from 5 years ago?
 

b.c.

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Invite her to a weekend vacation somewhere nice (a popular vacation spot, or some playoff game somewhere). Tell her up front it'll be just you two and you'll be sharing a cabin/room, just to see what she says.

If she flat out declines, move on. If she expresses interest but offers an alternative boarding arrangement (like maybe another couple) I'd say 50/50 she's interested but also unsure, so be open to the alternatives.

And if she accepts, don't jump to hasty conclusions. Just take it slow, make no moves without definite signals she wants you to, but mostly talk, listen, enjoy the company of each other, and see what grows from there.
 
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Sounds like she wants a little man she can yank around on a chain to validate her feeling of sexual empowerment. Either that or she is awfully patient in waiting for you to man up
 

Silvertip

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She's either just stringing you along for her own perverse amusement or, like you, she's somewhat introverted about taking the first step in broaching the subject of a possible relationship. In the first case you'd be better off ditching her altogether and moving on with your life. In the second, you would really have no choice but to take the first step.

If it were me, I'd find an opportune time to give her an opportunity to open up, say something that would be an icebreaker so to speak. Perhaps something like "You know, sometimes I really miss the innocence of our youth. I'd really like to return to that innocent beginning with the knowledge that I now have."
 

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Don't discount the power of unconsumed sexual energy on both ends, most especially when there is genuine appreciation for one another that has blossomed over the years. To me it seems like you both want the same thing but are worried of what it entails, especially with the fact that you are now living in another state.

If I can offer any advice from my own life experience; I much prefer regretting the things I did do than the ones I didn't. As such I believe it is better to be an actor in my life than a spectator of it. Most times when something scares me it is a sign that I am onto something worth taking the risk. Last but not least.. it is never too late, too far or too anything... after all.. at this point.. what do you have to lose?

Good Luck!!
 

jimmenycricket

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Hey Big Man. I truly feel for your situation. The truth of the matter is though there is to much of a story here. I have lived like you also. I've learned that I was delaying my approach towards many woman because I though they would reject me and that would be the end of our relationship and I had such low self esteem that I thought this platonic relationship was good enough, but it was killing me inside. Sometimes making your more changes the relationship. Its okay because then at least I was real and not a lie. I say go for it. Be a man and get rejected if you must. Maybe it will work. If you wait till your 100% sure every time you go for something you will lead a very lonely and unfulfilled life. You will be nervous and feel that the world is coming down on you, but do it. If it doesnt work out then you know and she knows and sometimes that is the best you can do. Then go find another girl to get attracted to. There is millions of them and when you get to know them you will find out they are all beautiful in there own way. As for signals. If you are thinking they are there go for it and find out. It is the only way you will get better at reading them anyway.