is oral sex cheating?

[denton85]

it's cheating under the rules of marriage. But so is taking sex away from the marriage.

As other people posted, lack of sex in a marriage is a major issue. In fact legally not having sex for a year is a legal and fair reason for a divorce... and in some odd and extraordinary cases has led to straight up annulments.


So what does that mean? Sex is part of a marriage by law, and by religion as well. (god says make babies)

So what's better?
Cheat or divorce.

Praying Mantis brought this up earlier, i haven't read all the posts so i hope i don't step on her posts and repeat past points.

If a wife takes sex away in a marriage. This forces the husband with only 3 options.

a.) cheat
b.) agree to a sexless marriage and be unhappy
c.) divorce

Those are really the only options available. The wife would be happy if the husband were to agree to B.

However take this for example. This would be the equivalent of a husband taking sex from his wife. Taking sex away entirely is almost as bad as forcing sex from a partner. (breaking a contract as apposed to forcing a contract) [however i personally see rape as much worse than keeping sex away but from a black and white universe of right and wrong and contracts.... it's on the same playing field.]

Take option C (divorce) for example. If a husband were to approach his wife seriously and state that unless she has sex with him on a regular basis, he will divorce her. This in turn would make the wife feel betrayed, and horrified of such an idea. (most women in general as well) Most wives feel like they can dictate the sex in a marriage, and just take it away even if the marriage is going perfectly fine in every aspect other than sex life. [personally i'd rather masturbate than tell a woman to have sex with me, if the girl isn't into it, than i'm not. plain and simple.]

So now it comes down to cheating. Cheating is wrong. We all know that. But when u weigh it down with the other options it's level of evil becomes more gray, in my opinion

... so lets put it into perspective from a husbands point of view. In which the options are modified to counteract the above options.

A.) Cheat
B.) Force Sex From the Partner
C.) Threaten Divorce

However all that has been said CAN be nullified by option D

D.) Talk

I've always maintained an open discussion with my partners about sex.

However i've heard people tell me that they try to talk about it with their wives and their wives just straight shoot them down, and tell them sex in not going to happen.

So is cheating alright? no
is forcing a sexless marriage? no
if forcing sex? no
is making an ultimatum for sex using a divorce as a weapon? no

In the end if talking fails, than divorce is the only option that is not considered "wrong."

It's all crap in the end.

 

[Pitbull]

Morals are relative.

It's easy to call someone a "skunk" for cheating when you don't know the situation and don't think about the potential complexity behind it.

Its easy to call someone a skunk when I can smell the stink over the internet.

 

[Gillette]

I think it stinks that his wife has abandoned him sexually.

While I don't personally agree with the choice, its not my choice to make.
I'm not casting judgement but I don't see the point in trying to put a nicer face on it.

It is what it is. Cheating.

 

[Pitbull]

I think it stinks that his wife has abandoned him sexually.

And how do you know that?

OP has not posted since Post #1 in this thread and nothing about his sexual relationship with his wife was mentioned.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Exactly, he knows he is wrong he just wants web approval to cheat.

There is usually a medical, physical, or psychological reason for the demise of a sex drive. He didn't say there was no sex, just no blow jobs. Were there ever BJ's? If not then he needs to just resign himself to this. If she used to go downtown, but stopped he needs to find out why. Has he gained weight, changed his diet which can produce funky sweat and spunk.


It's not like he's trying to have an affair and carry on an intimate relationship and conversation with someone other than his wife. Women are rarely concerned about the sex a man has outside the marriage and more worried that he romanced her, wined, dined and talked to her about things that were important in his life.

God gave him 2 hands, he needs to put them to good use.

Forsaking all others is part of the marriage vows for a reason. They are sacred vows, not options on a Chinese food menu. :irked:

As do I! Why can't he buy a fleshlight and have her hold it for him.

Miss Mary Morals coming in on the scene.....

It's a little late for that. Someone who has very little understanding of marriage from talking to those in marriages where there is no intimacy. You can't be coming at this from a perspective of the wife you think YOU'D be, you need to come at it from a perspective from the man who is married to another type of woman. That's your problem. It's all about you, never thinking about what the other person way over there might be going through.

Take your recent personal experience with a married man out of this equation, take all the thoughts about how much sex you'd be having if you were married and look at the situation without YOUR life somewhere tangled around in it. All of your responses are just mini-flashbacks to all the pain and hurt you've had surrounding some guy you've dated. It's a good thing you arent a counselor.

 

[nicenycdick]

My thing is: If your not getting good lovin' at home, youre going to look elsewhere for the need to be met.

I see it as no other option because no guy signs up for a sexless marriage. Hell i wouldnt either.

It's like if your husband wasnt good at fixing cars or things around the house, or deliberately chose not to, then i'd have to find someone else to get the job done.

Is it cheating? Sure it is, but i think i know your marital situation a bit better than most on here. So i highly doubt she'd be leaving you over it as Lemon suggests.

Sometimes well into marriage a woman gets to the point where she has no sex drive and literally could be happy never having sex again. What is a guy to do at that point? How long do you have to be a chronic masturbator in order to get intimacy or an orgasm from someone else?

Have you read my autobiography?

 

[Gillette]

And how do you know that?

OP has not posted since Post #1 in this thread and nothing about his sexual relationship with his wife was mentioned.

Fair point.

But if what PM is telling us is true then it does stink.

Changing the rules on your partner isn't cool.

 

[Gillette]

My thing is: If your not getting good lovin' at home, youre going to look elsewhere for the need to be met.

It's like if your husband wasnt good at fixing cars or things around the house, or deliberately chose not to, then i'd have to find someone else to get the job done.

Slight issue with this. Quality and absence are two different things.

If a man married me knowing I couldn't get the last inch down my throat even though I gave it my best try then stepped out on me because he hoped some other woman could swallow the whole thing I'd rip his fucking lungs out.

If I were married to a man with whom I'd had a happy and mutually satisfying sex life only to withhold or withdraw from that I wouldn't be surprised if he wished to end the relationship and might even be gratified, though still hurt, if he chose to stay with me but satisfy those urges elsewhere.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Yeah i probably should have worded that more like; If your husband does not fix anything around the house and things need to be done. You've talked about it and worked it out and he says he's going to try and never does. Someone has to get a hammer and nails and fix the door. Whether thats you or someone else.

I think a lot of married men have become chronic masturbators and the wife doesnt care, doesnt want to know just as long as he isnt making *her* feel bad for not wanting to do sexual things. Women who arent in the mood don't like to be pushed, pittied, talked into it, made to feel bad for it, etc.

A man can do all he can and then he's left with other options his wife has inadvertantly and sometimes deliborately left on the table for him to choose from.

Can't blame him for wanting a mouth on the other side of his dick that actually wants it there and is enthusiastic about it. Enthusiasm is hard to fake in the bedroom and when its authentic it can make one feel many good positive things.

 

[helgaleena]

Mantis, you have odd ideas about some things, like this idea that masturbation is some sort of condition or malady and can become 'chronic'. Or that being broad-minded about sexual practices somehow relieves one from behaving ethically.

Too many persons do not see sex as a natural and healthy part of our existence as human, because they have been told it is dirty or evil. That leads to their condoning of unhygenic, cruel, and dishonest sex. Marriage is a pact which needs to be kept by both parties and if one is sneaking in any area, sex, or finance or health or whatever, that is dishonest and can only sow discord.

You friend the OP could bring home STDs or addictions and most certainly a guilty conscience, all of which could be avoided by leveling with his spouse. Leveling with the spouse also magically converts the business from cheating to sharing.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I dont think my ideas are odd. I think withholding things from your spouse in the bedroom for long periods of time drives someone out of the marital bed and into getting something they havent had in a long time.

He talked to me a couple of years ago about this stuff and if he's just now getting the guts to do it, i bet he's been thinking of the right thing to do for a long time. He knows his wife and what conversations they've had. We don't.

When one sexually abandons another, counseling usually doesnt help. She often doesnt want to talk about it anymore.

If he's getting a blowjob he's unlikely to be bringing STD's home if he isnt sticking it elsewhere.

 

[Principessa]

I have a very good friend who is active in the NYC Polyamory club. Polyamory isn't just sex, it's about openness and honesty as well. The OP isn't being honest with his wife. Therefore he is cheating.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

He isnt interested in Polyamory. He's interested in getting a blow job whether or not its cheating. He asked a question, not just to see our reaction to what he said. It all makes us think about what we'd do in his situation.

We all talk so highly of how honest we would be, but we can't know that for sure if we havent been in that situation before. Much of the advice we give others sounds great, sounds ideal and is easier said than done. Usually the advice we give others is not something we'd take ourselves in the same situation.

He's got 17 years with no children in a marriage. He probably enjoys her company in other ways, maybe she satisfies other needs in his life and he doesnt want to give that up. Some things are better left untold if it means the rest of your life you get to hear about how horrible you are for doing it, or have them think of what you did for the rest of their life.

I never said it wasnt cheating. Im telling you guys to STOP and think about what kind of advice would work for a marriage where the needs arent being met in one area but in others. I've seen these situations a lot, they never get fixed by bringing it up. It usually makes things much worse.

 

[molotovmuffin]

Fair point.

But if what PM is telling us is true then it does stink.

Changing the rules on your partner isn't cool.

At this point... it's all hear say.

He isnt interested in Polyamory. He's interested in getting a blow job whether or not its cheating. He asked a question, not just to see our reaction to what he said. It all makes us think about what we'd do in his situation.

We all talk so highly of how honest we would be, but we can't know that for sure if we havent been in that situation before. Much of the advice we give others sounds great, sounds ideal and is easier said than done. Usually the advice we give others is not something we'd take ourselves in the same situation.

He's got 17 years with no children in a marriage. He probably enjoys her company in other ways, maybe she satisfies other needs in his life and he doesnt want to give that up. Some things are better left untold if it means the rest of your life you get to hear about how horrible you are for doing it, or have them think of what you did for the rest of their life.

I never said it wasnt cheating. Im telling you guys to STOP and think about what kind of advice would work for a marriage where the needs arent being met in one area but in others. I've seen these situations a lot, they never get fixed by bringing it up. It usually makes things much worse.

I think it would serve the OP better to talk about his marital situation not your view of it.

 

[helgaleena]

How could it be worse, Mantis? Explain.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Because it might make her even less interested in sex. Women with no sex drive don't like to be talked to about how they arent interested in sex. Usually the guy does bring it up many times only to find himself STILL not getting any.

He rolls over and tries to hint that he'd love to have sex with her and she rudely says, no way, go to sleep. I have a friend who's wife treats him this way. Everytime he tries to talk to her about it she gets even angrier that he's even talking about it. She could be happy forever with no sex, but what about him? He has been faithful to her, even when she said "Go find someone else to fuck" (because she really doesnt want him getting his kicks from anyone, even if she wont) so he's continuing to take care of things himself because he wants to not get caught by her doing something with another woman. I told him that she has more than explained her intentions and if he isnt going to leave her for it, either shut up about it or do something about it outside their bed.

He goes without sex with an acception of once or twice a year, when she tells him to hurry up and get it done because she wants some sleep. I'd not be that kind of wife, because i value that part of my marriage. But if i were the man in a relationship like that, she'd give me no other choice than to do my own thing and be her husband in every other way.

Why is this so difficult for people to understand?

 

[helgaleena]

The choice in the situations you describe is to remain miserable or to leave. I notice you left out that option.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

In your mind there are 2 options. In my mind there are many options. We look at this situation differently. I see no sense in breaking up a marriage over something as trivial as a blow job. Maybe you could do that. But once a house has been established, its a bit easier to justify what you are doing than to ruin everything for you and her both in every other area where things might be going well.

Is it cheating, yes. Should cheating ever be justified, yes in my mind. No in yours and many others.

I've more than explained my point of view on all of this. SK hasnt been online since he posted this thread, so hopefully he will come back and elaborate his own situation here if he wants to. Otherwise, i really don't have anything else to say about it or other situations like it. I'm pretty clear where i stand on it.

It's SK's thread, he should come back and answer questions if people have them since he brought this deal to the public.

As for me, i've got to head off to work so i wont be able to read the responses. So theres no use in continuing to argue with me about it. I can't respond and honestly don't want to keep repeating myself.

 

[HazelGod]

Why is this so difficult for people to understand?

Because there are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

 

[helgaleena]

Helgaleena never argues. You will notice this about me after some time. I am actually quite ready to agree with those who can be agreed with.

The OP has a large number of responses now.