Is our str8 friend fooling himself?
- Thread starter jonandmarkuk
- Start date
Perhaps the issue should be more the fact that he was cheating on his wife rather than with whom he was cheating.
I understand that you're saying you're concern is with your M8. And that's certainly commendable as well as admirable. However, it sounds as though the more pressing issues are dealing with his being unable to stay committed within a relationship. Would we be asking ourselves the same questions if your M8 had sought contact with a woman? No. The fact is that he was still looking for something outside his marriage.
Now, the semanticists will say that one must define "cheating" and that's fair enough. Does that constitute mutual masturbation? Oral? Insertion (in this case, anal)?
As I see it, whatever label one wishes to place on this M8 (e.g., straight, gay, bi) is not of consequence. What is of consequence is his penchant for seeking contact outside his marriage. If he's unhappy in the marriage, then he should, in all fairness to himself and his wife, get out of it.
This situation brings to light the absurdity of society's need to label people. There seems to be more concern here with what this M8 is than the fact that he's potentially compromising his and others' happiness.
I understand that you're saying you're concern is with your M8. And that's certainly commendable as well as admirable. However, it sounds as though the more pressing issues are dealing with his being unable to stay committed within a relationship. Would we be asking ourselves the same questions if your M8 had sought contact with a woman? No. The fact is that he was still looking for something outside his marriage.
Now, the semanticists will say that one must define "cheating" and that's fair enough. Does that constitute mutual masturbation? Oral? Insertion (in this case, anal)?
As I see it, whatever label one wishes to place on this M8 (e.g., straight, gay, bi) is not of consequence. What is of consequence is his penchant for seeking contact outside his marriage. If he's unhappy in the marriage, then he should, in all fairness to himself and his wife, get out of it.
This situation brings to light the absurdity of society's need to label people. There seems to be more concern here with what this M8 is than the fact that he's potentially compromising his and others' happiness.
Well said drrionelli 
I certainly think the wife saw it as cheating.
I think society is not happy unless we can give something / someone a label. He is back with the wife, and I hope it works out.
I certainly think the wife saw it as cheating.I think society is not happy unless we can give something / someone a label. He is back with the wife, and I hope it works out.
Thank you for your kindness, jonandmarkuk! Very gracious of you to say such things!
I, too, hope that your M8 and his wife are able to work things out. It won't be easy, but nothing in life that is worthwhile ever is. My best to them. To you and your b/f, as well!
I, too, hope that your M8 and his wife are able to work things out. It won't be easy, but nothing in life that is worthwhile ever is. My best to them. To you and your b/f, as well!
We don't know where on the scale of straight<------>gay this M8 is, and it's possible that his interests/desires change periodically.
The nice anonymity of this board let's me discuss things I could NEVER talk about with anyone face-to-face. I'm married with children and have been sexually attracted to women since about age 16 or 17. But from when I was 12-15, it was all boys for me, and I had many exciting experiences with other boys my own age back then. I remember being a little scared when I was 14 because girls didn't "turn me on" like looking and and thinking about boys. But all of my friends were talking about trying to get into this girl's or that girl's pants, and I'd agree that I would love to get into those girls' pants too. (But in truth, I was likely more interested at that point in getting into by friend's pants! Fondling a girl's breasts, at that age, did very little for me compared to playing with another guy's balls. and that was scaring the hell out of me by the time I turned 15. What was wrong weith me??)
So why do I come to LPSG? I've always enjoyed looking at cocks, jacking them off, etc. But I've never had a romantic interest in a man, nor have I ever been "sexually attracted" to a man, other than perhaps fantasizing about what his cock might look like and how I might like to play with it.
I would not say this guy is "living a lie", but he certainly might be. But to publicly change now could be HUGELY devastiting to his family, his career, his finances, etc.
But that doesn't mean he can't still be attracted to cock once in a while, whether or not he acts on it.
The nice anonymity of this board let's me discuss things I could NEVER talk about with anyone face-to-face. I'm married with children and have been sexually attracted to women since about age 16 or 17. But from when I was 12-15, it was all boys for me, and I had many exciting experiences with other boys my own age back then. I remember being a little scared when I was 14 because girls didn't "turn me on" like looking and and thinking about boys. But all of my friends were talking about trying to get into this girl's or that girl's pants, and I'd agree that I would love to get into those girls' pants too. (But in truth, I was likely more interested at that point in getting into by friend's pants! Fondling a girl's breasts, at that age, did very little for me compared to playing with another guy's balls. and that was scaring the hell out of me by the time I turned 15. What was wrong weith me??)
So why do I come to LPSG? I've always enjoyed looking at cocks, jacking them off, etc. But I've never had a romantic interest in a man, nor have I ever been "sexually attracted" to a man, other than perhaps fantasizing about what his cock might look like and how I might like to play with it.
I would not say this guy is "living a lie", but he certainly might be. But to publicly change now could be HUGELY devastiting to his family, his career, his finances, etc.
But that doesn't mean he can't still be attracted to cock once in a while, whether or not he acts on it.
Sklar
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Here's another side you might want to consider.
Maybe he's depressed right now because he and his wife are going through some rough times and he or they don't know how to handle it.
Plus, when alcohol is involved that makes a mess of things right there.
Take your bf out of the picture to consider this.
What was the underlying reason for the affair? Was it the alcohol? Was it bad times at home? Is it financial? Is he using this as a way to escape his problems? Does he think being gay is more glamourous and fun?
I'm glad your not upset with your bf about this, I know I'd be pissed off myself if mine did that. But your relationship is different than mine.
I do NOT think your straight friend is fooling himself. I think he needs help because he is overwhelmed by something and doesn't know how to handle it.
If you are truely a friend with him, take him out for dinner and just ask him if things are all right at home. Be a friend to him and try to help out with whatever has been happening. Don't allow him to use your bf as an excuse to avoid whatever problems he is running from.
Maybe he's depressed right now because he and his wife are going through some rough times and he or they don't know how to handle it.
Plus, when alcohol is involved that makes a mess of things right there.
Take your bf out of the picture to consider this.
What was the underlying reason for the affair? Was it the alcohol? Was it bad times at home? Is it financial? Is he using this as a way to escape his problems? Does he think being gay is more glamourous and fun?
I'm glad your not upset with your bf about this, I know I'd be pissed off myself if mine did that. But your relationship is different than mine.
I do NOT think your straight friend is fooling himself. I think he needs help because he is overwhelmed by something and doesn't know how to handle it.
If you are truely a friend with him, take him out for dinner and just ask him if things are all right at home. Be a friend to him and try to help out with whatever has been happening. Don't allow him to use your bf as an excuse to avoid whatever problems he is running from.
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Ok, so the facts as I understand it are;
Your bf and your mate had some same sex activities while alcohol was involved. Your mate was married at the time, and now his wife has found out and is understandably upset. Am i right so far?
Assuming I'm right, there are too many factors missing to get a clear picture of why you are asking if he is fooling himself. Does he deny having any same sex attractions (SSA)? If so, what were the circumstances that he was asked or confronted? And then the real question is why you are concerned (asked in a sincere manner)?
First off, let me explain a bit of why I think I can give some advice. I have been a closeted bi for many, many years. I too had some same sex relations while I was with my GF, and she found out. She was understandably devastated. Up until then, I didn't even want to admit it to myself, but was forced to once I was discovered. Now here's a big one for you to consider,,, if someone had tried to force me to come out, I would have put a large distance between me and that person. Not that the person would not have been trying to help me do what was best, but because I was not ready. This will most likely happen if you try and pressure your mate into facing his SSA before he is ready himself. The best that you can do is to just let him know that you and/or your bf (he might feel a little more comfortable since he has "been" with him) are there as a friend should he need to talk. Here's another fact that might be hard for you and the bf to understand, since he is not out and is dealing with a wife he may not (more than likely "will not") be able to relate to you as an openly proud gay man/couple, but there are several support groups for Mixed Orientation Marriages/Relationships (MOM's or MOR's). There is also a very good "women only" group for the wives/SO's of an MOM/MOR. If there is a way, please let him know this. Once I know that they will be passed on, I will give you the links to them. My GF and I are involved in a few. We are also very, very close friends with a couple in England who are also, so there is support near by. If as I suspect, he is uncomfortable talking about it, slip the information to him in a short letter.
Just please don't try and force him to face and accept it because "you" think it's best. Just as a matter of opinion, I also think it would be the best for him, but HE has to decide that for himself.
Good Luck,
p.s. this board moves so fast that I would request that you PM me if he, they want links to these groups.
Your bf and your mate had some same sex activities while alcohol was involved. Your mate was married at the time, and now his wife has found out and is understandably upset. Am i right so far?
Assuming I'm right, there are too many factors missing to get a clear picture of why you are asking if he is fooling himself. Does he deny having any same sex attractions (SSA)? If so, what were the circumstances that he was asked or confronted? And then the real question is why you are concerned (asked in a sincere manner)?
First off, let me explain a bit of why I think I can give some advice. I have been a closeted bi for many, many years. I too had some same sex relations while I was with my GF, and she found out. She was understandably devastated. Up until then, I didn't even want to admit it to myself, but was forced to once I was discovered. Now here's a big one for you to consider,,, if someone had tried to force me to come out, I would have put a large distance between me and that person. Not that the person would not have been trying to help me do what was best, but because I was not ready. This will most likely happen if you try and pressure your mate into facing his SSA before he is ready himself. The best that you can do is to just let him know that you and/or your bf (he might feel a little more comfortable since he has "been" with him) are there as a friend should he need to talk. Here's another fact that might be hard for you and the bf to understand, since he is not out and is dealing with a wife he may not (more than likely "will not") be able to relate to you as an openly proud gay man/couple, but there are several support groups for Mixed Orientation Marriages/Relationships (MOM's or MOR's). There is also a very good "women only" group for the wives/SO's of an MOM/MOR. If there is a way, please let him know this. Once I know that they will be passed on, I will give you the links to them. My GF and I are involved in a few. We are also very, very close friends with a couple in England who are also, so there is support near by. If as I suspect, he is uncomfortable talking about it, slip the information to him in a short letter.
Just please don't try and force him to face and accept it because "you" think it's best. Just as a matter of opinion, I also think it would be the best for him, but HE has to decide that for himself.
Good Luck,
p.s. this board moves so fast that I would request that you PM me if he, they want links to these groups.
Sklar
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Then I'd suggest you do two things:
1) Quit reading the thread.
2) Quit posting in it. You're not helping.
Cheers for the posts. Have no intention of forcing anything or anyone to do something they don't want / not ready for.
The support groups sound interesting and I will pass the information on if he wants it.
The support groups sound interesting and I will pass the information on if he wants it.
