Is selfishness the main reason people break up?

[earllogjam]

How much of yourself do you sacrifice to keep a relationship going?

 

[Ren69]

I have sex with another woman our relation is not going to work, i find the sex with her better than with you.

After 15 years of marriage i need the divorce, im in love with another woman and i have sex with her, you can keep the custody of the kids, i will start a new family with her, for the welfare of the kids we should separate.

No, not selfish at all. lol.

 

[gimme_another_inch]

How much of yourself do you sacrifice to keep a relationship going?

too much... till the point to deprive myself of my own personality, I wanna be myself, bad, good, rude, kind, sarcastic, gentleman or whatever but I wanna be myself and accepted for what I am (and I have, even though I'll never be the date of a size queen :biggrin1

 

[avg_joe]

There are many reasons for a break-up; selfishness is one of them. I have never been committed to either a long term or a short term relationship cuz I don't like drama and BS stuff.

 

[LaFemme]

Entirely way too much. It's something I'm working on, though. It's not a healthy thing to do, and defeats the purpose of trying to have an equal partnership. It gives the other person permission to "take" too much. So, yes, working on it.

 

[Unnamed]

Entirely way too much. It's something I'm working on, though. It's not a healthy thing to do, and defeats the purpose of trying to have an equal partnership. It gives the other person permission to "take" too much. So, yes, working on it.

how do you give too much?
Edit: oh now, i see.

 

[dolfette]

what is the point in being in a relationship which makes you unhappy? i can understand sacrificing oneself for a good reason (to save someone's life or feed the hungry, etc) but just to keep the tedium ticking makes no sense.

i would not stay if i was unhappy.
i don't believe that's selfish.

 

[B_Nia88]

How much of yourself do you sacrifice to keep a relationship going?

You should never sacrifice your own happiness to please others your happiness should strengthen your relationship.

 

[gimme_another_inch]

Sometimes you give up on something to please the other part, on the long run you give up on too much and the relationship becomes "unbalanced", it's only then when you realize that one of the two parts was too "selfish" which, don't take me wrong, can also be due to unconscious behaviors but, still, the effect is the same, one of the two gives too much and, sometime during the relationship, finds out there was no payback.

On the other hand I do believe to love is to give and not to expect but as the same time not being rewarded makes you see things from a different point of view, even your dog wants a caress once in a while, why not to then expect something back from your partner???

Selfishness can sure be a cause for breaking, not the reason but, for sure, a good one out of many.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

How much of yourself do you sacrifice to keep a relationship going?

Interesting question that defies an easy answer.

Whether we can admit it or not, we want something from the other in any relationship. And that runs both ways... they want something from us. That is the entire nature of desire, and who wants a romance without desire?

So a relationship is always a form of exchange. An economy. What are you willing to give? and is that what your other seeks? Is what they offer something you seek?

Folks who just want to be themselves are acting selfishly- and folks who demand too much of others are acting just as selfishly.

So there is always, in any good relationship, a negotiation... often one that is not spoken of overtly... but there is a negotiation, nonetheless.

A compromise. You give something of yourself, and probably have to give up something of yourself... your rudeness, perhaps... your ability to do as you please when you please without regard to other's... And so does your mate... you negotiate who's responsible for what... who is allowed to be more emotionally brittle and who is not... who has final say over what to watch, or where to go, or any number of minor topics...

But they are all eventually negotiated.... and an understanding reached.

And then life sets in and you each evaluate how well your partner is keeping to their end of the deal.

A man who has given up freedom, given up hanging with the boys, given up power over how his home is decorated and who is obligated to check in with his girl over every tiny change in plans may feel all that is worth it, in exchange for the sweet regard and sexual attentions of a woman who cooks him delicious meals and takes care of innumerable small chores that make his life easier...

But if that woman starts to treat him shabbily, or never feels like sex, or reneges on enough other of the negotiations that are part of relationship... then that man may begin to feel he is holding his end up, while she is not...

Is it selfish to dissolve a contract when the other party seems bent upon breaching that agreement? Or is the selfishness to be the party breaching their agreement? Is the selfish one the one who can no longer muster the regard and attraction that their mate thought was their's?

How many women lose interest in sex because they feel they are doing too much of the work? making too many of the concessions? and that their partner is not holding up their end?


Relationships erode and fail when either party feels they are not being provided with the things they had bargained for.

And, too often, we realize we made a bad deal... that what we are getting is not equal to what we give up... and resentment causes us to begin to renege on what we offered.

Is that selfishness? or fairness?

I can accept a woman for exactly who she is... but if she starts out accepting me, and gradually finds herself less accepting of me... is that part of her I must now accept, as well? Must I suffer being disliked and ill-treated because I 'ought' to love her how she is, rather than how she was when we entered into relationship? Or was how she treated me, then, the very thing that was promised to me? the very thing I sought, and which is now withheld?

Is it selfish to expect that which was promised to you?

Sooner or later... you are forced to make a choice in how much you have given, and how little you feel a partner is willing to return.

Survival, itself, is kind of selfish, I guess.

So, I think relationships end in selfishness... but that is not what breaks them up.

I think what breaks them up is inattentiveness.

People, in the rush and monotony of daily living, lose track of what they promised to give as the wonderful and precious things they sought and found in their mate become their daily expectation.

We promise love and adoration, but find ourselves thinking less and less adoringly of our mate over time... we allow our image and understanding of our mate to change over time... and what we give changes accordingly... without any discussion or re-negotiation.

Relationships form, I believe, because all human beings, each of us, need to give of ourselves, and be given to...

we want someone to rely on, and that someone to feel they can rely on us.

Am I selfish to want what I need?
Or, am I selfish to want to give?

And when I believe I have struck a bargain and get shortchanged? Am I selfish to take exception? Or am I righteous to not accept less than I fairly expected?

 

[B_bxmuscle]

I'd say yes if you define selfishness as unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. I think we're raised to expect total fulfillment from every aspect of our life these days from careers to family life, and aren't prepared when life slaps us in the face.

 

[blazblue]

How much of yourself do you sacrifice to keep a relationship going?

You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything if you're with the right person.

 

[kayman]

Pretty much. Aside from that is lack of chemistry and infidelity. A relationship is an ongoing negotiation and compromise.

 

[gimme_another_inch]

Interesting question that defies an easy answer.

Whether we can admit it or not, we want something from the other in any relationship. And that runs both ways... they want something from us. That is the entire nature of desire, and who wants a romance without desire?

I always tried, and still do, to justify an unbalanced relationship with the idea that "to love" means to willingly be ready to give without to expect anything back as a reward, well, gotta admit I was (once more) wrong.


So a relationship is always a form of exchange. An economy. What are you willing to give? and is that what your other seeks? Is what they offer something you seek?


I would put the question differently: what you have and are you willing to give, is that what he/she looks for? if it is so does she/he has something to give you back you were looking forward to?

Folks who just want to be themselves are acting selfishly- and folks who demand too much of others are acting just as selfishly.

Quite straight forward but so damn true!

So there is always, in any good relationship, a negotiation... often one that is not spoken of overtly... but there is a negotiation, nonetheless.

Again, very true but difficult to handle, you end up often giving without expecting a reward but deep inside there is something you need/expect which you don't get back and, even worse, as in my case, not brave enough to either point it out or to ask for.

A compromise. You give something of yourself, and probably have to give up something of yourself... your rudeness, perhaps... your ability to do as you please when you please without regard to other's... And so does your mate... you negotiate who's responsible for what... who is allowed to be more emotionally brittle and who is not... who has final say over what to watch, or where to go, or any number of minor topics...

This is, again, so very true but this is as seen from a person who is not part of "the couple", when you are inside it, part of it you often don't realize you might end up on an extreme like either giving up too much or asking for too much and when you start either one of the two trends for the other part it becomes a right to keep expecting such a behavior without to appreciate or deprecate the fact you are in one of the two situations; unfortunately a relationship is not like a contract in which you sit in front of a notary and agree on things to do or not to do or on what to give back for what you get given, let's don't forget that there is an initial phase where nothing of all of this is put on the balance, there is the attraction, the hormones and so on, these "problems" arise later


But they are all eventually negotiated.... and an understanding reached.

Really? I got to have been one of the unlucky ones who wasn't given this opportunity


And then life sets in and you each evaluate how well your partner is keeping to their end of the deal.

You are again talking about an out of the real world ideal situation, in real world you don't do such calculations, you just feel deprived of something and many a times you know, deep down, that you will never get what you expect to be given back, whatever it is, be it material or just emotional, things change along the course of a relationship...


A man who has given up freedom, given up hanging with the boys, given up power over how his home is decorated and who is obligated to check in with his girl over every tiny change in plans may feel all that is worth it, in exchange for the sweet regard and sexual attentions of a woman who cooks him delicious meals and takes care of innumerable small chores that make his life easier...


Hey, are you really sure we weren't dating the same one???

But if that woman starts to treat him shabbily, or never feels like sex, or reneges on enough other of the negotiations that are part of relationship... then that man may begin to feel he is holding his end up, while she is not...

Now I am pretty sure we did, can you tell me her name???


Is it selfish to dissolve a contract when the other party seems bent upon breaching that agreement? Or is the selfishness to be the party breaching their agreement? Is the selfish one the one who can no longer muster the regard and attraction that their mate thought was their's?

Well this is difficult as, again, both parts feel being in the right, one being used to get a lot without feeling in right to give back, the other one, on the other hand, feels in the right by not getting back even a share of what is giving to the other but who decides what is worth what? She cooks for me? That's a ten points score! I wash her car? Seven points so she still has a three credits to claim so, maybe, tonight after she cooks and gets a ten, you wash the dishes and get a seven but don't wash the sink so you get a minus two the balance goes to 5-0 and, bye bye sex, yes, sex after a while from ten drops to eight, then to five and then...

I have been told that that's how life goes, slowly things get back to "normal" (and what the hell normal means I was never given to know!) so the give and take doesn't work any longer, you just give what you have to give and take what there is to take, if then there is nothing much left to give, hmmm, she might be evaluating somebody who has more to give as, by the end, what does this "love" means??? In the actual world it seems we all go more for convenience rather than for feelings, nobody wants to give up on anything, the guy with the bigger car, and now a lot of you will say I am cynic, always comes seen with different eyes, no matter how much she loves you, same for the girl ten years younger and with more sexual appetite, you see her with different eyes, I think "dedication", what our parents back then used to have, is something that doesn't belong to a relationship any longer, abnegation and dedication are gone, all is put on the plates of a balance and we always try to make it bend on our side


How many women lose interest in sex because they feel they are doing too much of the work? making too many of the concessions? and that their partner is not holding up their end?


And how many, simply, quit it after a few months when they think they got what they wanted and used their body just for the attraction purpose? Ouch, headache... ouch, this medication is really pulling my libido down... ouch, my back hurts...


Relationships erode and fail when either party feels they are not being provided with the things they had bargained for.

You mean when the plates of the balance start to either level or bend on the side of the other part?

And, too often, we realize we made a bad deal... that what we are getting is not equal to what we give up... and resentment causes us to begin to renege on what we offered.

In a few words we realize we were/are dating a selfish person?


Is that selfishness? or fairness?

No answer here...

I can accept a woman for exactly who she is...

agree

but if she starts out accepting me, and gradually finds herself less accepting of me... is that part of her I must now accept, as well?

Very typical situation like "one has got to accept the other as he/she is" but, strangely, this is only valid on one part, one way acceptance

Must I suffer being disliked and ill-treated because I 'ought' to love her how she is, rather than how she was when we entered into relationship? Or was how she treated me, then, the very thing that was promised to me? the very thing I sought, and which is now withheld?

Now I gotta ask you her name!!!


Is it selfish to expect that which was promised to you?

Don't think so, even though was not a written contract or wasn't any hand shaking I suppose you try to keep on with it, obviously attraction may decrease during time, illness can cause temporary lack of desire, work stress may cause temporary lack of communication but this is true for both the parts in a couple

Sooner or later... you are forced to make a choice in how much you have given, and how little you feel a partner is willing to return.


Is not a matter of choice from my point of view, I was (and have to admit I still am) so much into her that I was also aware I was walking on my personality and bending myself to her will but, still, I had such a pleasure into being with her that I did willingly (not too willingly but, still...) accept in the hope that once stress causes were over things would have got back like they were at the beginning.

Survival, itself, is kind of selfish, I guess.

That's an instinct, I think it's called "survival instinct".

So, I think relationships end in selfishness... but that is not what breaks them up.

Agree

I think what breaks them up is inattentiveness.

Couldn't have ever find a better and shorter description for it.

People, in the rush and monotony of daily living, lose track of what they promised to give as the wonderful and precious things they sought and found in their mate become their daily expectation.

Exactly, like to expect dish washing, car washing, stay in rather than to go to a movie or for sex on the beach and the worse is that they don't want to break the monotony, a thing which requires no effort, I guess they get used to it and just quit being willingly to give, they just take if there is to take or, worse to the worse, having next by a company is what they look forward to, either their partner, a cat, a dog or a talking Brad Pitt doll would be exactly the same thing (and on purpose I don't mention sex toys).

We promise love and adoration, but find ourselves thinking less and less adoringly of our mate over time... we allow our image and understanding of our mate to change over time... and what we give changes accordingly... without any discussion or re-negotiation.


Don't agree 100%, in a relationship you get used one to the other, you give up on something you don't like about her and she does the same towards you, sometimes it's mutual, sometimes it's not, sometimes you talk about it sometimes you don't but for sure the routine slowly kills what we thought it would have been a life full of what it was like at the beginning, sex three times a day, soft tight skin, full round boobs and butt, always ready to battle cock, sharing house duties, sharing same taste for food and drink, sharing same timings for daily activities... that's the imaginary world, in the real world it's not like that but you can still negotiate, in my case, by example, even tough not kids any longer, my attraction towards my partner never faded an inch nevertheless we both weren't the same as when we met, that's what I thought was our safety anchor, the attraction, but then external factors which you can not put into the estimate come into play and then it all goes down the drain, especially if, and this is the matter of it all, selfishness was there since the beginning and you never found out or, even worse, you knew but you hoped it would change!

Relationships form, I believe, because all human beings, each of us, need to give of ourselves, and be given to...

we want someone to rely on, and that someone to feel they can rely on us.

Exactly, a matter of give and take, isn't it?

Am I selfish to want what I need?
Or, am I selfish to want to give?

A small, right amount of selfishness wouldn't hurt your life, I wanna learn...

And when I believe I have struck a bargain and get shortchanged? Am I selfish to take exception? Or am I righteous to not accept less than I fairly expected?

I know such a long quoting is ripping off precious space but I can't unshackle myself from repeat it all and agree with it all, I wonder if we weren't dating the same person (which in my case was a woman :biggrin1

 

[helgaleena]

You should never sacrifice your own happiness to please others your happiness should strengthen your relationship.

Wise, Nia.

If you define it as a sacrifice, you are definitely not feeling love. You are feeling like you are in a business transaction in which you sense danger of being short-changed.

While practical matters have to enter in for a long-term commitment, the emotional rapport has to be there first. Martyrdom is unfair to both the giver and the receiver in the long run. Avoid it.

It is not selfish to wish to be happy, to value yourself, and also to magnify your joy by sharing it with a partner you also love. But rescue and sacrifice are not the sort of concepts one associates with joy. You should be getting admiration and contentment with a partner, so that giving is truly a gift, not a sale.

 

[L_egit]

The data on the matter suggests that people approach relationships like they would negotiations, and leave when they believe that they could do better elsewhere. There's a certain tolerance upwards or downwards, but this has been studied in social psychology for nearly three decades, and the standard formula hasn't changed very much since its introduction.

 

[helgaleena]

Dalai Lama on selfishness: (from his Facebook page)


Dalai Lama


It is important that when pursing our own self-interest we should be “wise selfish” and not “foolish selfish”. Being foolish selfish means pursuing our own interests in a narrow, shortsighted way. Being wise selfish means taking a broader view and recognizing that our own long-term individual interest lies in the welfare of everyone. Being wise selfish means being compassionate.



If compassion means leaving, do that. If you are not receiving compassion, also leave. Either way it's not selfish.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I know such a long quoting is ripping off precious space but I can't unshackle myself from repeat it all and agree with it all, I wonder if we weren't dating the same person (which in my case was a woman :biggrin1

zIf it seems like the same woman... that is only because all relationships are the same in this respect.

And, yes... everything is negotiated... its just that we do not realize we are negotiating. We don't realize that concessions are being made, and a hundred small powers fought over, and ultimately, allocated.

Because we do not approach it openly, with both parties fully aware that a bargain is being struck, both parties fully aware that they are making promises to which they will be held, we end up not realizing that "letting something go" is making a concession... is giving up authority or power.
And when we do not even realize the things to which we are agreeing are understood as agreements by our partner... then resentment builds... the accommodations we make chafe... and our opinions of our partner drift in light of a deep feeling that they are 'unfair', not holding their end up, or demanding too much.

A man who falls for and marries a sweet lovely woman, 5 or 8 years on finds she has let herself go... was that his understanding on marrying her? that she would allow herself to become so unattractive?

And Woman who marries a man who was trim and athletic and well groomed thru their courtship, finds herself married to a crude, pot bellied, beer swilling oaf who no longer has the time or attention to romance her? Is that what she understood she was signing up for?


Yes, I want what I want in relationship... but, as in the Dalai Lama's comment, I have to have compassion for the fact that this person I want these things from, this person I purport to love, has things she wants from me, too...

And the truth is, I can't control her, I can not make her be honorable in keeping those promises, both overt, and tacit, that were made in the steam of passion...

The only thing I can control is what I choose to do. How honorably I live up to my own promises.
And, perhaps, if I have chosen wisely, she see my effort and will rise to reciprocate.

So the only hope any of us have for getting the things we so selfishly want, is to give up being selfish and focus on Giving the things we know are needed by that person we mean to love.


In this way we learn to be less selfish, and perhaps, get something far more wonderful than merely what we want.



When conscious loving is practiced... when we know that every morning we have that obligation to look at our love with the same fresh and wondering eyes with which we first saw them.... when we know that nothing goes without saying, and no word spoken can ever be unspoken...
When we look at ourselves, first, to ask the question of whether we are worthy, this day, of the love we wish for...

Perhaps then we can really learn what genuine selfless love feels like.

 

[jackass4409]

I broke up with my girlfriend a week ago. I feel devastated. But this thread has showed me why I am in this situation. It's not that we cheated or lied or were mean to each other. It just, slowly faded away.

Thank you all for your comments and contributions.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Last year I was in bed with my ex gf, and the covers were big but apparently not big enough for the both of us.

She took the covers several times and I took them back just as hard.
One night, I just gave her all of the covers and said you need it more then I do and went back to sleep.

It was a selfless act but for selfish reasons.
I showed her a type of behaviour that I'd hope she'd pick up on.

I don't think being selfishness is that defining in the succes of a relationship but it plays a part.