Is Sex Ruined for Sex Workers?

[earllogjam]

Does sex just become a bodily function like going to the bathroom when you do it for a job? Or does becoming a sexual technican enhance your private sex life?

If you had to make a living providing sex don't you think that it would become a chore and ruin any chances of having a meaningful sex life with someone you love? Or is sex an unlimited thing that can easily shared with people you don't love and do love?

Opinions?

 

[B_big dirigible]

Generally, a man who manages to turn his hobby into his job soon finds that he needs another hobby, because his old one is just, well, a job.

I can't see this being any different.

 

[kundalinikat]

It depends on the sex worker. I did this briefly, managed to fool myself into thinking it was worthwhile, worth my time.

The problem I encountered was not whether "sex" became like a chore, but the problem of intimacy. It's not wise or possible to be intimate with customers, yet many try to create intimacy with the sex worker, which is kinda the point if that's what they need to get off or enjoy themselves. So the sex worker can be in a situation where they will fake intimacy enough for the customer to be satisfied. Either that or the sex work is giving intimacy and emotional connection and then turning it off as they or the customer walks out the door.

Also take into account the fact that the people who seek sex from sex workers can't or won't get sex or intimacy from unpaid people, and of course the shame or guilt they may be fending off around this. For my experience, I would compare sex work to meeting a man (female customers are inconceivably rare) for the first time, feeling out whatever knot he may have tied around his sexuality and intimacy, going to the center of it in order to cause an orgasm, and then leaving as safely as possible (in both the emotional and physical sense). Frankly I found it disgusting in retrospect.

This is not to say that it is wrong: I still believe that most or all consensual sexuality is respectable, natural, and most importantly sacred. It's clear that there are people out there who are capable of truly giving their sexuality and some measure of emotional intimacy to whoever needs it, the whole idea of sacred sexuality and the sanctifying of the whore. (Trying to remember the name of a porn actress who would appear in person at porn theaters showing her work and give favors to audience members...) But I'm not one of those people.

 

[earllogjam]

So the sex worker can be in a situation where they will fake intimacy enough for the customer to be satisfied. Either that or the sex work is giving intimacy and emotional connection and then turning it off as they or the customer walks out the door.

How can you fake or manipulate your intimacy and not kill your soul? I can see why you got out. I would think clients begin to fall in love with you and become dependent on your fake intimacy- a big danger. I think this happens to psychologsts and therapists also.

Actors make a living on faking intimacy and feelings - is it the same as being a sex-worker? There is no deception as an actor because everyone knows up front that they are faking it, can't say that with sex work.

BTW -I do agree with you that there is a need and place for "sacred initimacy" and sex work especially in a place that is so touch deprived as the US.

 

[upone]

Actors make a living on faking intimacy and feelings - is it the same as being a sex-worker? There is no deception as an actor because everyone knows up front that they are faking it, can't say that with sex work.

Thru my social work I got to know a lot of female sex workers. Their ways of coping are as different as they are, but it really depends on the worker. There are a couple of things to keep in mind, though. One is issues of mental health. There is a condition called "borderline personality disorder" which occurs in about 1% of North American women. Among women arrested because of sex work, it is 35%.

Another is what kind of sex work she does. Does she service two men a day or twenty? After the first four or five, she's not even pretending.

Finally, I've always been amazed how easy it is for men to fool themselves into thinking that she enjoyed it.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

I'd think it would be pretty easy... turn off the emotional connections, and go through the motions of intimacy..

 

[earllogjam]

There is a condition called "borderline personality disorder" which occurs in about 1% of North American women. Among women arrested because of sex work, it is 35%.

Finally, I've always been amazed how easy it is for men to fool themselves into thinking that she enjoyed it.

What is borderline personality disorder? Is this a fancy term meaning that you try to escape or justify what you are doing by not being yourself anymore?

Some can divorce the act with the emotions involved. Some can't. Sex ought to be fun and I think it is for many long-term sex workers. Having sex without affection or emotions is probably a skill you learn and perfect. I think promiscuous people can do the same thing and I don't think the lack of emotions spoil any fun or pleasure for these folks. Does one ever get tired of having sex? Can't say that I do.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[earllogjam]

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Thanks MamaMeg. Wiki to the rescue.

 

[upone]

A big part of the appeal of sex work for women with b.p.d. is that it reduces stress or anxiety by assuring quick intimacy, short relationships, and, in the backwards logic of b.p.d., high danger of rape or beatings. The wiki article talks about the internal characteristic of "splitting" or black-white thinking; how it works is, she thinks "He's so wonderful to me; I cheat on him; if he beats/rapes me, it proves I'm better than he is; he's a bastard."

By the way, 85% of patients diagnosed with b.p.d. are women. The corresponding situation exists with antisocial personality disorder; 95% of diagnosed cases are men.

That explains a lot about the pimp/whore relationship.

 

[amiegrrl]

I think promiscuous people can do the same thing and I don't think the lack of emotions spoil any fun or pleasure for these folks. Does one ever get tired of having sex? Can't say that I do.

I can't say much about long-term sex workers, but I know as an adolescent and into my early adulthood I sought sexual attention from men with the misguided thought that it was 'positive' attention. I'm not saying that a man wanting to have sex with me is negative per se .. just that it didn't fill the emotional, mental nor physical void properly for me. I had sex with them thinking that I could distance myself (much the way men seem to), still feel accepted by them and thereby boost my sense of self-worth. It didn't work.

Growing up I never really had a male/female relationship to look to as an example of 'normal' intimacy/respect/whatever, and the only attention I ever saw my father show towards women was sexual in nature. So I thought the way to make men like me was to make them WANT me... I had sex with a lot of men before I figured out that I wasn't getting what I needed, and I could have ended up in a much darker place if I hadn't figured that out sooner.

 

[earllogjam]

.. I had sex with a lot of men before I figured out that I wasn't getting what I needed.

amiegrrl - What was it that you finally figured out you needed?

If you don't mind sharing I'd like to know.

 

[vibratingfinger]

She's obviously talking about a big penis. The be all and end all of all human desire for gay men and all women. But hopefully not, cuz that would just be too corny.

 

[Principessa]

Generally, a man who manages to turn his hobby into his job soon finds that he needs another hobby, because his old one is just, well, a job.

I can't see this being any different.

Agreed

I'd think it would be pretty easy... turn off the emotional connections, and go through the motions of intimacy...

Many things are easier said than done. Having sex without affection or emotions is The emotional disconnect required for this is not healthy and is a big indicator of a serious untreated mental illness.

What is borderline personality disorder?

Is this a fancy term meaning that you try to escape or justify what you are doing by not being yourself anymore?

No, Borderline Personality Disorder is unfortunately a very serious mental illness.

 

[D_Merringtonne Meathead]

Also take into account the fact that the people who seek sex from sex workers can't or won't get sex or intimacy from unpaid people, and of course the shame or guilt they may be fending off around this.

Actually as one who practises the 'hobby' around the world from time to time (the best sex workers by far being in New Zealand by the way, closely followed by Switzerland), I don't do it because I cannot get sex or intimacy from unpaid people: I have a good and varied sex life. I do it quite simply because I enjoy the bodies, firm tits, tight pussies and good hard fucking of young attractive women, and for a 50+ man that is difficult to get without paying. The 18-20 year old college students I fuck legally in NZ simply are doing it to pay for the good things in life and it is a business transaction. I don't think there is any question of intimacy: these are highly intelligent women and they know what they're doing.

 

[Girth girl]

Also take into account the fact that the people who seek sex from sex workers can't or won't get sex or intimacy from unpaid people, and of course the shame or guilt they may be fending off around this.

Actually as one who practises the 'hobby' around the world from time to time (the best sex workers by far being in New Zealand by the way, closely followed by Switzerland), I don't do it because I cannot get sex or intimacy from unpaid people: I have a good and varied sex life. I do it quite simply because I enjoy the bodies, firm tits, tight pussies and good hard fucking of young attractive women, and for a 50+ man that is difficult to get without paying. The 18-20 year old college students I fuck legally in NZ simply are doing it to pay for the good things in life and it is a business transaction. I don't think there is any question of intimacy: these are highly intelligent women and they know what they're doing.

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT] That's by far the most intelligent response. I mean, it's all part of the sex worker as society's victim that always imagines her as lacking or not making well thought out decisions or acting on behalf of her pathology and this makes me angry. In a way it reinforces the power of the customer because he is taking something from her, where as she’s the one in power and in control of the situation.

The thing that most of the posters are missing here is the economics. You're studying, or have a family to feed and no skills, and you need money, sex is an easier and fast way to get it. Men have the choice of doing dirty, labouring jobs which often come with high wages. A woman has a choice of a lousy, lowly paid service or office job accompanied with long hours that don’t fit in with study or family.

Most women can clearly state that they have had at least one non-paying sexual encounter wherein they felt like they were just going through the motions of sex. And you know why? Because a lot of men, especially those under 35 don't care really so long as they get off… it’s not a far stretch in a woman’s mind to get paid for something they already do, and get paid bloody well.

Let's use an analogy here: a masseuse rubs people's backs all day, does that mean she doesn't like a good back rub? Or a psychologist listens to people's worries all day long, does that mean he or she doesn't like a good chat? Not at all, and I wonder why people continually ask these questions because it seems to me it has more to do with imposing images of morality on the sexual workers' collective personality, then with thinking about the dynamics of the occupation.

 

[Girth girl]

Finally, I've always been amazed how easy it is for men to fool themselves into thinking that she enjoyed it.

That's it, a nice smile, a yes and a thank you and he thinks he is god's gift to women

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

I don't think sex is ruined for sex workers. I have no personal experience with this but those I've spoken to who have would agree with me. Of course it varies by person.

 

[amiegrrl]

amiegrrl - What was it that you finally figured out you needed?

If you don't mind sharing I'd like to know.

This might be a bit off-topic because I was responding to the 'people who've had many sex partners' comment, and I've never been paid for sex. But since you asked:

Sex lost its intimacy and importance at that point in my life. I was looking for acceptance, intimacy and a sense of importance to men in general. I always equated sexual desire to power. It wasn't an intimate act shared between two people who want to show deep feelings of love, passion, etc. to one another. It was just a quick fuck, I felt fulfilled for a very short time afterwards (usually until the buzz wore off) and then felt like a complete piece of garbage. I thought that if a man chose to share his body with me, that surely it must be because I meant something .. When in reality it was the exact opposite. Most men that have casual sex with you care nothing about you. They're just tired of fucking their hand, simple as that. It took me a long time to understand and stop sleeping around with random men for an imaginary shot of power.

 

[LouisVauban]

Thank You, Girth_Girl!

As someone who has worked in the biz, I have seen a wide spectrum of reasons and whyfores... It's a JOB!

I have seen: "damaged" girls (sexually molested in youth), smart girls (they need their days free to audition for parts, etc... these often use the biz wisely and get out), very smart girls (college tuition for law degree, etc), single moms barely getting by, wives of men in jail, writers getting "hand-on" experience, nymphos who actually LOVE their job, lesbians (who are somehow "getting back" at men), girls who are taking care of a sick loved one and needs BIG Cash, or immigrants who aren't allowed to work in the regular work force.

For all, it's just economics. Plain and simple. It's not for everyone. And some people get very uptight about the topic. But, where I worked (as a phone booker) a girl could make up to $750 per hour. Some are very good at it, some are not. And for the very accomplished girls, it's all about playing pretend... making a man feel as if he has a no-strings girlfriend... it's not all about sex....

And I have heard, on many occasion, a girl exclaim, "I just need to get laid." Translation: When one is on the clock, it's just sex. Making love is reserved for personal time.