Is society confused about what is and what is not gay?

[D_Chocho_Lippz]

What is it to be gay or not gay? Are there set rules of how a gay human being acts versus a straight one? Do gay women act similarly to gay men? Are there gay looks? Hairdos? Gay clothes? Gay bodies?

I ask these somewhat odd questions because, to me, there is no such thing as being gay unless you are gay.

However, it seems that society has a bit of confusion going on when it comes to determining a stranger's sexuality, especially the heterosexuals.

I've had quite a few people ask me if I am gay (29yrs). They have also asked my brother if he is gay (21yrs). However, my other brother has never been asked if he was gay (25yrs). Normally when asked why they asked, the questioners have little to no answer as to why they might have thought that I was gay (or my other brother).

For me, there have been various scenarios and lengths of times where the person knew me to where they asked me - anywhere from 2 minutes to weeks. I've been in mixed groups, alone, and doing random things. I'm into a lot of different things (many of which seem pretty manly to me). I don't do hair, ballet, wear tight pants, or talk in a high voice (I actually have a pretty deep voice).

Now, I understand that I have some things that may be considered gay. However, I'm not sure if they can be considered for my question because most of the time these things aren't known or can't be seen by the accusers. Here are my OGTs - I collect underwear (hey it goes with having a nice body as mentioned below), I have a lot of gay friends, and I like shopping.

Here are some things that I've been told that make me gay.
I am nice.
I have a nice body.
I will dance.
I do my hair - color and/or style.
I have nice clothes.
I wear cologne.
I use gestures to tell stories.
I have a cat.
I have gay friends.
I am a good listener.

My brother has also got...
That he is tan.
That he wore a shirt with no sleeves.

So I guess my question is... what is a gay person and what is a straight person? Or to be considered straight do I simply have to let my body go to shit, wear the same thing all week, never do my hair, give up my cat, and de-friend my gay friends? Oh, and be an asshole to everyone.

What is even more curious is this... my gay friends never get asked if they are gay.

The reasons for being told I'm gay seem so... trivial. I can't help but think that there is some sort of sociological issue going on here where people make snap judgement to disqualify or qualify - straight guys call me gay because they somehow see me as a threat and girls call me gay because they can't believe that a straight guy would be all of the above (nice, takes care of body, attentive, etc.) so they automatically label me as gay so they can be friends without sex on the table. (which BTW - I'm fairly sexual and definitely not short on the sex talk... which is always straight... but still have been called gay out of that somehow?)

Another oddity is that many times if there is a group which happens to have a gay... the straight person will ask... and the gay person will say they never had their gaydar go off on me. Hence, why I said the heterosexual crowd is confused.

So what is going on here? Anyone have any insight on the issue? Anyone have anything similar happen to them? I'm not looking to change - I'm just curious as to how humans determine other people's sexuality.

 

[B_Nia88]

If you are not sexually attracted guys then you aren't gay. Who cares what others think.

 

[Gecko4lif]

I dont think there is a such thing as gay hairdos. Unless there is Giant cock hairdos out there I havent seen

I will dance.
I do my hair - color and/or style.
I have nice clothes.
I have a cat.
I have gay friends.
I am a good listener.

Yeah thats seems to be hitting all the gay points outside of "Loves cocks". I can see how people would think of you as the stereotypical gay guy.

Especially the cat.

 

[chrisj428]

Here are some things that I've been told that make me gay.

I have a nice body.
I will dance.
I do my hair - color and/or style.
I have nice clothes.
I wear cologne.
I use gestures to tell stories.

Actually, Plug, looking at this (conveniently edited) list, I'd be more inclined to ask if you were Italian. :biggrin1:

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

In the flesh I probably use a person's appearance to work out if they're Gay the least of all, I tend to have a gut feeling (which I don't think is based on looks or behaviour [per se] at all) about that kind of thing.

If I only have images to go on (and those images don't include really obvious signs that they're actually gay), then their appearance is the only substantial evidence available, so do I make what I admit can only be imperfect and provisional assumptions about people based on their appearance if their appearance is all I have to go on.

 

[nudeyorker]

I think perhaps you might live in a very provincial place where many people might be quick to judge based solely on appearance. My two cents.

 

[ConanTheBarber]

Here are some things that I've been told that make me gay.
I am nice.
I have a nice body.
I will dance.
I do my hair - color and/or style.
I have nice clothes.
I wear cologne.
I use gestures to tell stories.
I have a cat.
I have gay friends.
I am a good listener.

You sound more like a metrosexual, unless that species has been abolished.
But we'd need to know more.
How are you nice? How do you dance? How do you attend to your hair? What style are your nice clothes? What sorts of gestures do you make? How do you behave with your gay friends?
Not knowing that, we have no idea what kind of vibe we'd get from you in person.
And the vibe itself would be the thing that counted for making all that one can make ... a guess.

If gay people don't find you gay, then I suspect you shouldn't set off factory-inspected gaydar.

Hard to answer your question.

 

[dude_007]

I've never understood why many people are hung up on determining someone's sexual preference. Also, I never knew having a cat was a sign of being gay. Are straight people only supposed to have dogs?

 

[dude_007]

I've never understood why many people are hung up on determining someone's sexual preference. Also, I never knew having a cat was a sign of being gay. Are straight people only supposed to have dogs?

I mean, I'm gay and I hate cats. Especially the two that howl and fight outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night sometimes.

To sum up: stereotypes are not universal to all people. That is the problem with basing opinion on stereotypes. Not to mention categorizing human sexuality into little boxes.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

What is it to be gay or not gay? Are there set rules of how a gay human being acts versus a straight one? Do gay women act similarly to gay men? Are there gay looks? Hairdos? Gay clothes? Gay bodies?

I ask these somewhat odd questions because, to me, there is no such thing as being gay unless you are gay.

However, it seems that society has a bit of confusion going on when it comes to determining a stranger's sexuality, especially the heterosexuals.

I've had quite a few people ask me if I am gay (29yrs). They have also asked my brother if he is gay (21yrs). However, my other brother has never been asked if he was gay (25yrs). Normally when asked why they asked, the questioners have little to no answer as to why they might have thought that I was gay (or my other brother).

For me, there have been various scenarios and lengths of times where the person knew me to where they asked me - anywhere from 2 minutes to weeks. I've been in mixed groups, alone, and doing random things. I'm into a lot of different things (many of which seem pretty manly to me). I don't do hair, ballet, wear tight pants, or talk in a high voice (I actually have a pretty deep voice).

Now, I understand that I have some things that may be considered gay. However, I'm not sure if they can be considered for my question because most of the time these things aren't known or can't be seen by the accusers. Here are my OGTs - I collect underwear (hey it goes with having a nice body as mentioned below), I have a lot of gay friends, and I like shopping.

Here are some things that I've been told that make me gay.
I am nice.
I have a nice body.
I will dance.
I do my hair - color and/or style.
I have nice clothes.
I wear cologne.
I use gestures to tell stories.
I have a cat.
I have gay friends.
I am a good listener.

My brother has also got...
That he is tan.
That he wore a shirt with no sleeves.

So I guess my question is... what is a gay person and what is a straight person? Or to be considered straight do I simply have to let my body go to shit, wear the same thing all week, never do my hair, give up my cat, and de-friend my gay friends? Oh, and be an asshole to everyone.

What is even more curious is this... my gay friends never get asked if they are gay.

The reasons for being told I'm gay seem so... trivial. I can't help but think that there is some sort of sociological issue going on here where people make snap judgement to disqualify or qualify - straight guys call me gay because they somehow see me as a threat and girls call me gay because they can't believe that a straight guy would be all of the above (nice, takes care of body, attentive, etc.) so they automatically label me as gay so they can be friends without sex on the table. (which BTW - I'm fairly sexual and definitely not short on the sex talk... which is always straight... but still have been called gay out of that somehow?)

Another oddity is that many times if there is a group which happens to have a gay... the straight person will ask... and the gay person will say they never had their gaydar go off on me. Hence, why I said the heterosexual crowd is confused.

So what is going on here? Anyone have any insight on the issue? Anyone have anything similar happen to them? I'm not looking to change - I'm just curious as to how humans determine other people's sexuality.

Apparently you don't read books, go to museums, enjoy cooking, work at Starbuck's or as a flight attendant, or have been to at least one opera or dance performance in your life, because those also would have been included.

And, yes, the majority of straight men (51+%) do let their bodies go to shit. Obviously lots of exceptions to that.

 

[ManofThunder]

Personally, I find it very difficult to tell if someone's gay. There are big give-aways, of course, like kissing a man. But, that may also mean they're bisexual. In terms of appearance, I also find it quite difficult to see the difference between gay and straight. It has to be said, certain people, like Alan Carr are obviously gay. But others, not so much - even to other gay people. Basically, you can't always rely on stereotypes or instinct.

 

[Gecko4lif]

Are straight people only supposed to have dogs?

No straight guys.

Its the law.

 

[jockmaestro]

Well, duh. You're obviously gay if you have nice hair and wear cologne. Everyone knows that. And the cat? I mean, puhleeeze.

Only kidding, of course. It's seems pretty obvious that there's no way to define gay easily. In fact, most categories defy description once you really examine them.

try developing a pot belly and watch a lot of football. that should take care of the "are you gay?" questions.

 

[thikcok]

Great post & great replies. Yeah ~ we're all in danger of stereotyping here. Of course there are straight hairdressers & dancers ~ & very camp straight ones at that !
I agree with nudeyorker ~ I think it really depends upon where u live. Certain ways of behaviour that seem "different from the norm" in that area are gonna raise eyebrows & questions. There are parts of the UK where over-caring for one's appearance would seem very narcissistic ~ whereas in places (such as Essex) it's almost EXPECTED that a guy grooms himself well. Indeed, on the whole, I would say, all the gay guys I know over the age of 40, tend to "dress down" rather than "poofy".
And in London, it really doesnt matter whether u're gay or not, no-one cares, everyone knows someone who's gay & I dont think people even ask it anymore (unless they're a girl & she thinks there might be a chance, lol.).
But, for some reason, there will always be some people who find the whole sexuality issue very intriguing ~ they think they've never met a lesbian or gayman before ~ of course they have, just that they didnt know it coz they weren't wearin a rainbow flag !!

 

[rob_just_rob]

Gay people are attracted to/have sex with people of the same sex as themselves. Straight people are attracted to/have sex with, people of the opposite sex. Everything else is stereotyping.

The confusion stems from the notion that a person can have sex with both sexes and be anything other than bisexual.

 

[4357]

Plug,
Just be comfortable in your own skin. Live your life with integrity to who you really are, and in the long run you will be judged by your actions. Don't let insecure 'questioners' induce changes that you won't be happy with.
And don't forget that you can always ignore the question... just pretend it wasn't heard and eventually they'll get the message (or ask someone that knows you who will say "Why are you asking such a stupid question?"
Follow your bliss,
X

 

[go4usc]

I think it's funny that you get asked if your Gay and I get asked if I'm sure that I'm Gay. I too wear nice clothes, have my hair done, treat people well, like to shop, etc. But, I also LOVE Football and all other sports, except Baseball(too boring) and Country Music, Dogs, well most Animals in general including Snakes, used to have a Boa and Python and I used to race Motorcycles.
I think it's the Stereotype that we are shown through movies and television. When there's a Gay character in a show, they resemble all the things that you listed.

 

[mattsrod7]

Here are some things that I've been told that make me gay.
I am nice.

I am a good listener.

Obviously that's why!

 

[NewAgeMan]

this thread cracks me up! you cant control what other people think. take comfort in knowing that you can see past dumb stereotypes

 

[thickseven]

Society no, people on this site? God yes. It irks me to see so many "straight" guys asking to jerk off with other guys or to do other sexual things with men and lie to themselves by specifying straight, as if the "no homo" defense means anything. If you do something sexual with a man that's homosexual behavior, this might make you bi rather than homosexual but it isn't straight that's for sure.