Is society confused about what is and what is not gay?

rob_just_rob

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Society no, people on this site? God yes. It irks me to see so many "straight" guys asking to jerk off with other guys or to do other sexual things with men and lie to themselves by specifying straight, as if the "no homo" defense means anything. If you do something sexual with a man that's homosexual behavior, this might make you bi rather than homosexual but it isn't straight that's for sure.

You might as well be talking to yourself.
 
D

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As I've aged, I've learned to quit putting stock in what other people think of me. As the old addage goes: "Those that mind, don't matter. Those that matter, don't mind".

Look, you could have the opposite problem. You could be in my shoes.

In my case, I'm gay, but often (amost all) times have to all but prove that I'm gay to people. I work out regularly, wear nice clothes, keep a short, cropped haircut and am clean shaven. I take two showers a day and I do wear cologne often. But, I'm also a former mechanic and am well known to be handy with a toolbox, could build a house if I had to, yet carry all of the characteristics that you do, except that I have no pets and have all the dance moves of a terribly uncoordinated white guy.

Even in gay bars, I get accused of being straight to this day. It used to irk me, but nowadays it just makes me laugh. Try not to let it bother you. Also, consider the source of the questions. Are these people really worth your time? I'm betting no...
 

D_Chocho_Lippz

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First off, thanks for the replies. There are some interesting things to point out I think. Like I said in the original post, this post is not about changing. I am who I am and if others label that something incorrectly, then so be it. I'm not going to be someone that I am not. Furthermore, not everyone I encounter thinks I'm gay. Most don't or don't say anything. I am simply trying to learn why some people get the "are you gay" question more than others. Even more-so, why some of my gay friends never get asked if they are gay.

Part of this is because I guess I have always been judged by others and so I don't judge people based on trivial/stereotype stuff. So this whole questioning/accusing thing doesn't make sense to me. I agree with the below statement totally.

Gay people are attracted to/have sex with people of the same sex as themselves. Straight people are attracted to/have sex with, people of the opposite sex. Everything else is stereotyping.

I do do some of the other things that have been mentioned for both sides.
Straight: I watch sports. Like country music. Also not mentioned but I also work on the car, carpentry, have an obsession for power tools, and love my home theater setup.
Gay: I like reading (but it isn't Vogue or anything, it's politics...), I like art

What does everyone make of the whole brother thing too. I have two brothers which are both younger than me. One looks more like me than the other... and he is the one that also gets called gay. So it seems that everyone does have a stereotypical gay look. All my siblings received the same parenting... and we all have the same general demeanor.

I've never understood why many people are hung up on determining someone's sexual preference. Also, I never knew having a cat was a sign of being gay. Are straight people only supposed to have dogs?
I agree and this is my whole reason for this thread. Having a certain pet to make a basis of someone's sexuality seems completely ridiculous. Hell, I've had pet dogs in my life too, and still been asked if I was gay.

But really, all these "OMG you're gay traits" that have been mentioned, whether it be dancing or reading aren't things that someone gets to see when I first meet them. So whether or not I "dance gay" or "read" is irrelevant in some of the snap judgement calls I've received within minutes of meeting.

I think perhaps you might live in a very provincial place where many people might be quick to judge based solely on appearance. My two cents.
This may be worth a look at though. But still doesn't explain the whole picture. I live in Phoenix, Arizona, which in general I'd say is above average in looks. I would say that people here generally are more concerned with their looks than say, in, Ohio. But then again, I've been asked if I am gay in Ohio too (my brother too). So if I live in a place that I'd say is more inclined to be groomed well... and I do groom myself nicely... then it doesn't seem like I should be or am sticking out as going "above and beyond" to be gay.

I can buy that I may be metrosexual... but since when is metrosexual... homosexual? Hell, I have at least one friend that I'd say that is way more metrosexual (i.e. I've seen him do his hair and put on cologne while camping) but he never gets asked if he is gay.

Again, there seems to be some sort of weird unwritten aurora about being gay or straight - and of course I don't get it.

Actually, Plug, looking at this (conveniently edited) list, I'd be more inclined to ask if you were Italian. :biggrin1:
Ha. One of the things on the edited list that I think has a chance at me be considered gay is my gesturing. But then you make a good point - I gesture no more than these manly men do in, say, the Godfather. You watch any great speaker, and they use their hands when they speak. But, nobody calls them gay. So is hand gesturing outside of a lecture hall... gay? Or is it simply the fact that I am a good speaker... that I am deemed gay?

I guess what I am really trying to figure out is if snap judgement on sexuality is based on very simple things such as body type and physical attire.

Is there anyone else out there that is gay and gets questioned if they are straight? Or someone else that is straight that gets called gay? I'm interested to see if their are any similarities.
 

D_Chocho_Lippz

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As I've aged, I've learned to quit putting stock in what other people think of me. As the old addage goes: "Those that mind, don't matter. Those that matter, don't mind".

Look, you could have the opposite problem. You could be in my shoes.

In my case, I'm gay, but often (amost all) times have to all but prove that I'm gay to people. I work out regularly, wear nice clothes, keep a short, cropped haircut and am clean shaven. I take two showers a day and I do wear cologne often. But, I'm also a former mechanic and am well known to be handy with a toolbox, could build a house if I had to, yet carry all of the characteristics that you do, except that I have no pets and have all the dance moves of a terribly uncoordinated white guy.

Even in gay bars, I get accused of being straight to this day. It used to irk me, but nowadays it just makes me laugh. Try not to let it bother you. Also, consider the source of the questions. Are these people really worth your time? I'm betting no...
Yes, awesome. Thank for your reply and this is what I'm getting at here. I'm very similar to you - work out, nice clothes, clean shaven, shower daily, cologne, pretty good with cars, pretty good with anything involving a toolbox. But you have the opposite problem I do. Very interesting.

Inverse to your gay bar mention, I've been hitting on girls before... quite heavily... and been asked if I was gay. So if you can go into a gay bar and be accused of being straight... and I can go into a straight club and hit on girls and be called gay... what is going on here. This is what I am trying to figure out! :confused:

I'm not trying to figure out what to change myself or make superficial friends who can't accept me. I am simply trying to figure out what makes the definition of gay or straight when you have so little data/observations to go on.
 

HotBulge

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It is true that Plug_It_In shouldn't worry much about other people's superficial questions because he has to lead his own life. Still, the question may matter a little more at his age -- not so much because of him, but rather because of the ladies. At 29. the eligible girls are now starting to evaluate a guy for his marriage potential as they start to sense their biological clocks going off. So, if his female peers are questioning his sexuality - (which is technically none of their business) - it's because they may be trying to assess his worthiness as a potential life partner. Plug_It_In may be a rosharch test for the ladies: they will read into him all of their insecurities.

I would also wonder if, on some level, women feel like they are not receiving the attention that they feel entitled to. In other words, if the women aren't the ones dictating the fashion and the trends in a relationship, they start to feel as though their position is threatened. Their insecurities somehow are (il)logically being transformed or re-interpreted into the man is "gay".

For people and company that you interact superficially with, I have often found that assume that, "it's all about the other person's psychology", your interactions with them start to make sense. In other words, it's more about their hang-ups, biases, and prejudices than it is about you.
 

ggsitc

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So if you can go into a gay bar and be accused of being straight... and I can go into a straight club and hit on girls and be called gay... what is going on here. This is what I am trying to figure out! :confused:
[...]
I am simply trying to figure out what makes the definition of gay or straight when you have so little data/observations to go on.

Sounds to me like there's an awful lot of people in the world whose gaydar is badly out of alignment, :cool:
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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Here are my OGTs -

I collect underwear
I have a lot of gay friends,
and I like shopping.

Here are some things that I've been told that make me gay.
I am nice.
I have a nice body.
I will dance.
I do my hair - color and/or style.
I have nice clothes.
I wear cologne.

I use gestures to tell stories.
I have a cat.
I have gay friends.
I am a good listener.

I do do some of the other things that have been mentioned for both sides.
Straight: I watch sports. Like country music. Also not mentioned but I also work on the car, carpentry, have an obsession for power tools, and love my home theater setup.
Gay: I like reading (but it isn't Vogue or anything, it's politics...), I like art

I agree and this is my whole reason for this thread. Having a certain pet to make a basis of someone's sexuality seems completely ridiculous. Hell, I've had pet dogs in my life too, and still been asked if I was gay.

Ha. One of the things on the edited list that I think has a chance at me be considered gay is my gesturing. But then you make a good point - I gesture no more than these manly men do in, say, the Godfather. You watch any great speaker, and they use their hands when they speak.
Well, going through your list Plug... I've deduced that my husband must definitely be gay if this is the standard characteristics. I highlighted all the things my husband is.... (tongue in cheek here)

The list is crazy.. The stereotypes even crazier...
Pets?? :eek: Reading?? :eek: Since when did being nice determine a person's sexual orientation? :eek::eek:

I love a man who wears nice cologne and dresses well.:smile:
Taking care of your body? You wanna live longer, right? :wink:
Hand gestures... you said it... Ever watched a coach on the sidelines?? Or talking to the media? Ever watched a preacher in the pulpit? Does this mean that all those men are gay? :eek:

My first thought was... Maybe the guys that ask you this are "hoping" you say you are... or at least bi-curious. Are most of the people asking you this question male or female or do you get mixed responses?

Personally, I find the question totally rude! I would probably even say something to that effect were I asked. The nerve of some people! :confused:

Don't worry too much about what other people think.
And next time you get the question, just say "I am always happy...How about you?"

:wink:
 

dandelion

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If iread this right, then you said gay guys dont think you are gay but straight guys do. Maybe gay guys know that someone isnt necessarily gay because of certain things about them so judge more carefully. Because it matters to them more!
 

D_Chocho_Lippz

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It is true that Plug_It_In shouldn't worry much about other people's superficial questions because he has to lead his own life. Still, the question may matter a little more at his age -- not so much because of him, but rather because of the ladies. At 29. the eligible girls are now starting to evaluate a guy for his marriage potential as they start to sense their biological clocks going off. So, if his female peers are questioning his sexuality - (which is technically none of their business) - it's because they may be trying to assess his worthiness as a potential life partner. Plug_It_In may be a rosharch test for the ladies: they will read into him all of their insecurities.

I would also wonder if, on some level, women feel like they are not receiving the attention that they feel entitled to. In other words, if the women aren't the ones dictating the fashion and the trends in a relationship, they start to feel as though their position is threatened. Their insecurities somehow are (il)logically being transformed or re-interpreted into the man is "gay".

For people and company that you interact superficially with, I have often found that assume that, "it's all about the other person's psychology", your interactions with them start to make sense. In other words, it's more about their hang-ups, biases, and prejudices than it is about you.
It could be. This issue is probably bigger than gay vs straight vs bisexual. It may overflow into the whole gender-roles and relationship-roles that have drastically changed since the 1960s. Nothing is quite as clear-cut as it used to be and this may be part of it.

Sounds to me like there's an awful lot of people in the world whose gaydar is badly out of alignment, :cool:
I quite agree.

Personally, I find the question totally rude! I would probably even say something to that effect were I asked. The nerve of some people! :confused:

Don't worry too much about what other people think.
And next time you get the question, just say "I am always happy...How about you?"

:wink:
Ha, my normal response line if a girl asks is, "I can sit here and say whatever I think you want to hear... or I can take you right now and show you what I like. C'mon, let's go." This normally shuts em up pretty quick.

But yeah, it is rude. What does ones sexuality matter, especially when just meeting. It should be a non-issue. Maybe, as others have said, I'm being sized up for compatibility/availability. Who knows.

If iread this right, then you said gay guys dont think you are gay but straight guys do. Maybe gay guys know that someone isnt necessarily gay because of certain things about them so judge more carefully. Because it matters to them more!
Yeah, generally speaking it seems that if a gay guy is in the group that accuses me, they defer. They don't "see it." Which, I think makes the entire thing more intriguing.
 

monstro

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I've been called 'faggot'--and had that yelled at me through moving car windows--more times than I care to count. Simply because of the way I cut my hair, the way I walk or talk, this that or the other thing.

But here's the thing. It doesn't matter....it doesn't count. What anyone else may think or say is inconsequential. You are You. You know who you are, you know what you like, how you feel, what you think. Don't look at it as an 'accusation'--there's nothing wrong with a man being attracted to another man or a woman being attracted to another woman. And there's nothing wrong with anybody thinking you yourself may be attracted to another man. All there is is *You*. Goddamnit just fucking love yourself and fuck what anybody else might think.
 

ggsitc

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Any other people who may have been accused of a wrong sexual orientation?

**raises hand** Me. I guess I am really good at pulling off the straight act. I have had coworkers ask me why I am not married (to a girl), and an aunt who is quite the quilter made me a very "manly" quilt for my bed in some very nice earth tones, very masculine ... and the flip side of the quilt is panels of scantily clad pinup girls, much like the 1940s variety ... too funny.

I live by the motto, "always keep them guessing." :biggrin1: I guess it works!
 

AlphaMale

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The dislike for "gays" has taken over as the new "racism" in America, unfortunately. So, as a result, nearly everything that possibly can be is misconstrued as being "gay". Similar to how "white racists" tend to think anything that's not "white" is "black". Whatever any of that really means anyway... :rolleyes:

Homophobic people who are actually gay or bi themselves but won't admit it and are posing as straight are on a witch hunt.

My advice is to either ignore them or call them out on their bullshit. And if all else fails just smack a bitch up! :wink:
 
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D_Chocho_Lippz

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Ive had a couple girls think I was gay.

I just wasnt interested in them.
Nothing other then the fact that you didn't show direct interest in them?

I've been called 'faggot'--and had that yelled at me through moving car windows--more times than I care to count. Simply because of the way I cut my hair, the way I walk or talk, this that or the other thing.

But here's the thing. It doesn't matter....it doesn't count. What anyone else may think or say is inconsequential. You are You. You know who you are, you know what you like, how you feel, what you think. Don't look at it as an 'accusation'--there's nothing wrong with a man being attracted to another man or a woman being attracted to another woman. And there's nothing wrong with anybody thinking you yourself may be attracted to another man. All there is is *You*. Goddamnit just fucking love yourself and fuck what anybody else might think.
Again, not trying to be not who I am. I just think this whole "gay accusation" thing is intriguing.

So how is your hair?
How do you talk?
How do you walk?

If I order girlish drinks when I'm out with my friends would it make me gay? Let's say, strawberry colada. :tongue:
I drink a little of everything, but not beer. This could be part of it, however, again, since when does drink preference determine sexuality?

The dislike for "gays" has taken over as the new "racism" in America, unfortunately. So, as a result, nearly everything that possibly can be is misconstrued as being "gay". Similar to how "white racists" tend to think anything that's not "white" is "black". Whatever any of that really means anyway... :rolleyes:

Homophobic people who are actually gay or bi themselves but won't admit it and are posing as straight are on a witch hunt.

My advice is to either ignore them or call them out on their bullshit. And if all else fails just smack a bitch up! :wink:
I have called people out on it, but sometimes they just think I'm fronting. Who knows.