Is There Sexual Overload When It Comes To Gay Men?

Titanomachina

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It's one of the things that I struggled with when coming out and after it. It seemed like there was a lot I had to catch up on, or so it seemed.

I recall my first time with a guy and it was awful. I met them on the internet, not an app. It was in my car and more or less I felt forced to do things, not by him but myself mostly, just to not be a virgin. I felt pressured because it seemed as a gay man I should know things or be versed in sex. This led to having a string of hookups that just left me feeling hollow inside.

When I first saw what gay sex was I was less than thrilled, especially with anal. It didn't matter if someone washed I wasn't keen on sucking dick. To me it was kinda gross since those were things waste came out of. I eventually forced myself to do it and part of me felt like I liked doing it a lot. But recently I learned that I was just lying to myself. I was pretending to be into it and an expert when really it just felt forced.

I'm even anxious about being a relationship because it feels like I'll be forced into having sex otherwise they'll leave me. It makes me feel trapped.

That and apparently getting turned on but at the same time not really being crazy about sex. I like the physical contact and touching, kissing too. But not much else.

It's hard because every time I went to the gay support groups sex ways always a large focus of discussion. Even in the only fan groups like gaming it's just guys drooling over characters or going on about "daddy energy" (which to me is just weird, the whole daddy thing I find creepy).

It just feels like there is way too much emphasis on sex that it's like being gay is one's whole identity and I'm tired of it. Tired of pretending too.
 

Cum_is_Great

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Trust me, you aren't alone. But unfortunately it is few and far between to find other gay men like yourself. I never want to shame anyone for their way of life. I try not to be judgmental at all. But sometimes the emphasis on sex is just too much.

I am a sexual person. I like talking about sex and I read on sexual things a lot. But I am not a sexual active person. I don't only think about or talk about a sex in things sex isn't really related to. As you said, when talking about a video game devolves into just talking about bending so and so over the table. Or spreading their cheeks for whomever, I just feel... annoyed and internally roll my eyes.

I as well am not really into penetration sex. I like cuddling and more intimate moments but you can't really find many men just for that. I prefer just stroking together or relaxing on the couch in each other's arms.

Anyway, to end my rambling, I agree with a lot of your points but everyone is different and we should accept others for who they are as well.
But it would be a stretch to say the thought of "gay culture' isn't dripping in sex by many
 

GayBootyLover69

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Trust me, you aren't alone. But unfortunately it is few and far between to find other gay men like yourself. I never want to shame anyone for their way of life. I try not to be judgmental at all. But sometimes the emphasis on sex is just too much.

I am a sexual person. I like talking about sex and I read on sexual things a lot. But I am not a sexual active person. I don't only think about or talk about a sex in things sex isn't really related to. As you said, when talking about a video game devolves into just talking about bending so and so over the table. Or spreading their cheeks for whomever, I just feel... annoyed and internally roll my eyes.

I as well am not really into penetration sex. I like cuddling and more intimate moments but you can't really find many men just for that. I prefer just stroking together or relaxing on the couch in each other's arms.

Anyway, to end my rambling, I agree with a lot of your points but everyone is different and we should accept others for who they are as well.
But it would be a stretch to say the thought of "gay culture' isn't dripping in sex by many

both of you make a lot of great points, it kinda sucks that sex culture in the gay community is as common and toxic as it is

i mean on one hand I'm not too surprised since even today, much of society demonizes gay people (and queer people in general) for existing and for expressing themselves, so of course a lot of gay people will suppress their sexual desires

but on the other hand like you guys said, a lot of gays care about sexual activities far too much, to the point of pressuring others into doing things they're uncomfortable with, and enforcing a stigma surrounding gays who aren't sexually active

i used to go on grindr a lot (big mistake, definitely something I would never recommend) and i got a fair amount of rude comments and weird looks from other guys on there just because i didn't want to have sex or suck them off, those guys were basically like "how dare you have boundaries"

if they want guys with less/no boundaries that's fine but it's upsetting when someone belittles you for having boundaries at all

sorry for the long comment but i had a lot to say lol
 

cnkckfil

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I will agree that our community is overloaded sexually. We are all sexual beings in one way or another. At this point in my life I love sex, sucking, fucking but those more intimate tender moments like cuddling, holding hands, laughing together are equally wonderful to me. I am lucky to have both of sex and those tender moments with my partner. You are not alone in the way you feel, I have met other gay men that are the same way and have had incredibly sensual times with them all the same. Being honest with your self about what you want is awesome just be upfront and honest with future potential partners. I am sure you will find a bud with a similar mindset.

Hugs, tugs and rubs bud
 

winesthel945

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It sounds to me like you may just be one of those people with a very low libido, possibly even somewhere in the "asexual" end of the sexuality spectrum. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, and if that's true for you it's just who you are and you should not let that make you feel any certain way about yourself. It's more common than you may know.

But you do need to understand that having a low libido or being asexual is going to immediately mean that when you're trying to date or meet people, especially on apps or internet sites where "hook ups" are the norm, you're always going to be like a vegetarian showing up at the BBQ restaurant -- folks are going to be expecting you to be interested in putting meat in your mouth.

While gay culture is indeed very sexualized, so is straight dating culture too. What you're running into is not that gay people are more horny, it's that you are less horny than the average gay man. That's not a good or bad thing, you're just a variation from the norm. And so, to the extent that you're a bit different or want different things from the norm or the overall expectations of the community, unfortunately the burden is on you to say so rather than get angry at the world for not being able to sense that you're a little bit different in your needs.

Luckily, there's a pretty easy answer: communication. You need to communicate what you are looking for, communicate that you are not a very sexual person but that you do want love and companionship and all the other things that don't necessarily end in penetrative sex.

If you communicate this from the outset, trust me, you'll find other people who will identify with your feelings and see your saying this as a breath of fresh air... because they may feel the same. If you don't communicate this, then you're going to continue to like the vegetarian on a tour of steakhouses, expected to be interested in things that you aren't. Indeed, if you don't communicate this on the front end, it could be seen as deceptive or misleading to someone who is expecting a more "normal" level of sexual interest... setting up anger and disappointment for all involved.

Communicate your desires and you'll be more likely to get them fulfilled.

Good luck!
 
D

deleted955030

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Definitely not alone. In more recent years I have come to realize I fit better terms "demisexual," "switch," and "sapiosexual." From the sounds of it, you may be more aligned with "asexual," not that you do not experience sexual attraction but rather have little to no desire for sexual activity. What is your feeling toward non-penetrative sexual activity such as frotting, handjobs, mutual masturbation? If those do not appeal to you much, it wold be more of an inclination that you may in fact fit better with the asexual terminology. Have you considered or heard of Tantra?

That stated, penetrative sex in the gay community is idealized as the highest expression of desire and masculinity as it reaffirms their inherent masculinity regardless of role, and so much the latter that even many straight men watch gay porn. Contrary to probably popular conjecture for many gay men, it is not necessarily because they are sexually attracted to the men but rather are to the masculine - often hyper-masculine, the exaggeration of male stereotypical characteristics and behavior, expression. In fact, this site alone could be a test study on the allure toward the hyper-masculine by men regardless of sexual orientation.

The standard/norm for gay men by large is the glorification of the masculine and quite often the demeaning/ignoring of femininity and feminine aspects including those within themselves because of the old stereotype that to be gay meant to be feminine, a belief stemming from the myopic attitude that to be a man means to be exclusively masculine. For this reason, a majority of gay men cognitively distance themselves from the feminine as if they do not have emotions, their desire to be wanted is not feminine in nature, and engaging in penetrative sex with another man inherently does not see one operating in a feminine (not to be confused with female) role and the other enabling and desiring the bottom to do so. (Note, masculine aspects penetrate, feminine aspects receive in nature)

Regardless, I say all that to say, because you are not in the norm of gay men by liking activity that is inherently more feminine in nature, you will probably have a much better experience connecting with people in niche groups more catered to your specific likes. I would also HIGHLY SUGGEST that you look into potentially joining a group dedicated to Tantra which is all about connecting with vs dominating or being dominated by your partner.