It's one of the things that I struggled with when coming out and after it. It seemed like there was a lot I had to catch up on, or so it seemed.
I recall my first time with a guy and it was awful. I met them on the internet, not an app. It was in my car and more or less I felt forced to do things, not by him but myself mostly, just to not be a virgin. I felt pressured because it seemed as a gay man I should know things or be versed in sex. This led to having a string of hookups that just left me feeling hollow inside.
When I first saw what gay sex was I was less than thrilled, especially with anal. It didn't matter if someone washed I wasn't keen on sucking dick. To me it was kinda gross since those were things waste came out of. I eventually forced myself to do it and part of me felt like I liked doing it a lot. But recently I learned that I was just lying to myself. I was pretending to be into it and an expert when really it just felt forced.
I'm even anxious about being a relationship because it feels like I'll be forced into having sex otherwise they'll leave me. It makes me feel trapped.
That and apparently getting turned on but at the same time not really being crazy about sex. I like the physical contact and touching, kissing too. But not much else.
It's hard because every time I went to the gay support groups sex ways always a large focus of discussion. Even in the only fan groups like gaming it's just guys drooling over characters or going on about "daddy energy" (which to me is just weird, the whole daddy thing I find creepy).
It just feels like there is way too much emphasis on sex that it's like being gay is one's whole identity and I'm tired of it. Tired of pretending too.
I recall my first time with a guy and it was awful. I met them on the internet, not an app. It was in my car and more or less I felt forced to do things, not by him but myself mostly, just to not be a virgin. I felt pressured because it seemed as a gay man I should know things or be versed in sex. This led to having a string of hookups that just left me feeling hollow inside.
When I first saw what gay sex was I was less than thrilled, especially with anal. It didn't matter if someone washed I wasn't keen on sucking dick. To me it was kinda gross since those were things waste came out of. I eventually forced myself to do it and part of me felt like I liked doing it a lot. But recently I learned that I was just lying to myself. I was pretending to be into it and an expert when really it just felt forced.
I'm even anxious about being a relationship because it feels like I'll be forced into having sex otherwise they'll leave me. It makes me feel trapped.
That and apparently getting turned on but at the same time not really being crazy about sex. I like the physical contact and touching, kissing too. But not much else.
It's hard because every time I went to the gay support groups sex ways always a large focus of discussion. Even in the only fan groups like gaming it's just guys drooling over characters or going on about "daddy energy" (which to me is just weird, the whole daddy thing I find creepy).
It just feels like there is way too much emphasis on sex that it's like being gay is one's whole identity and I'm tired of it. Tired of pretending too.