Is This An Emotionally Abusive Person?

hnla394

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I've been dating this guy for several months, and things have been pretty bad for me. I ask this question to this community to see if anyone can give me some insight on this....

I would say I am a very kind and caring person. When I like someone I think I am especially kind with them

-Things that he seemingly loved about me at first now he seemingly hates and dislikes
-Some days he is extremely distant and some days he is seemingly "loving"
-Seems like he does "just enough" to keep me interested and still attached to him
-He puts me down. But not in obvious ways. His put downs are in forms that are indirect, which makes me think that it's a flaw with myself
-Every time we talk about things, he somehow manages to make everything about me, and what is wrong with me. What I have been doing wrong. It's never about him.
-Not everything he says are put downs, some seem to make me think that he cares
-I have anxiety attacks because of his behavior (put downs, being distant), really bad states of depression and sadness. Then, somehow he manages to make me believe that it's a flaw with myself
-Not all days are sad. Some days when he is "seemingly loving" I am totally ok, and this keeps me in a revolving cycle that stays with him
-The more he makes me feel like this the more I try and win his affection and his approval

Is this emotional abuse? Or just a very toxic relationship... (or both)

Thanks for any answers
 

dotdotdot

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Why would you waste your time I'm writing out out this horror when you could just leave his backside? Trust me be single and be happy... people like that need to be as far away from people like you as possible and this is coming from previous experience. Mate, dump him, dump him now; in fact dump him yesterday.
 

winesthel945

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Yeah, I'm not sure how you would diagnose it, but that's between him and his mental health professional... which he desperately needs if he doesn't have one. You need to be in "good working order" to be able to hold up your end of a relationship, and it does not sound like he is.

But more to the point, if his behavior is causing you anxiety attacks, then you too may not be in a good working order and should probably see a mental health professional to get some assistance in addressing the causes and treatments of your anxiety disorder.

If you care for him, you should be honest with him that his instability is a problem for you and that you can't be in a relationship, urge him to seek help, and then back away. You can't make him, but maybe if enough people tell him how fucked up he is, he'll believe it and get the help he needs.

Meanwhile, you need to get yourself in to see a therapist, go now. Go.
 

headbang8

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Yes. Classic narcissist. Run. The good days will be fewer and further between.

But extricating yourself will be tricky. Any breakup conversation will follow those old pattens. You’ll cite your reasons to leave him, and he will then catalogue your faults or accuse you of unreasonableness, so you feel like the bad guy. That’s a tactic

Keep reminding yourself that it’s him, not you. You may have “faults”—which are probably just your legitimate emotional needs—but they’re irrelevant. You want to end the relationship, and that’s your right. For any reason, or no reason at all. His reaction is his own problem.

You’ve spent a long time walking on eggshells around this guy. When you break up, you’ll finally be stomping on those eggshells. It won’t be pretty. But the eggshells will be gone.

Then cut off contact. Not because you’re punishing him, or trying to see him hurt in return for the hurt he’s given you. But because you need to care for yourself. Again, it may feel lonely without him, but you’ll gradually begin to prefer the calm of your own company to the mine field of interacting with him. Regain some equilibrium. Then you’ll be ready to look for a healthy relationship.

But there’s one other thing I urge you to do. Get a therapist, and join a support group. Even after you’ve broken up. We rarely end up in a toxic relationship as an adult without a toxic parent or carer. Did you have a parent who treated you a bit like he does...or who still treats you that way? We don’t end up in the clutches of a narcissist by accident.

I’d recommend Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families, or ACoA. They helped me a lot. And take some time to find the right therapist.

The dismount won’t be easy.

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.
 
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hnla394

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Yes. Classic narcissist. Run. The good days will be fewer and further between.

But extricating yourself will be tricky. Any breakup conversation will follow those old pattens. You’ll cite your reasons to leave him, and he will then catalogue your faults or accuse you of unreasonableness, so you feel like the bad guy. That’s a tactic

Keep reminding yourself that it’s him, not you. You may have “faults”—which are probably just your legitimate emotional needs—but they’re irrelevant. You want to end the relationship, and that’s your right. For any reason, or no reason at all. His reaction is his own problem.

You’ve spent a long time walking on eggshells around this guy. When you break up, you’ll finally be stomping on those eggshells. It won’t be pretty. But the eggshells will be gone.

Then cut off contact. Not because you’re punishing him, or trying to see him hurt in return for the hurt he’s given you. But because you need to care for yourself. Again, it may feel lonely without him, but you’ll gradually begin to prefer the calm of your own company to the mine field of interacting with him. Regain some equilibrium. Then you’ll be ready to look for a healthy relationship.

But there’s one other thing I urge you to do. Get a therapist, and join a support group. Even after you’ve broken up. We rarely end up in a toxic relationship as an adult without a toxic parent or carer. Did you have a parent who treated you a bit like he does...or who still treats you that way? We don’t end up in the clutches of a narcissist by accident.

I’d recommend Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families, or ACoA. They helped me a lot. And take some time to find the right therapist.

The dismount won’t be easy.

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response.
 

Brodie888

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Agree with above comments, if this is how it is now it will only get worse. Much worse. Don't even think twice about giving him any more of a chance, it's pointless.

He's either an insecure person who needs to cut you down to his perceived level or he is a control freak who needs to bring you below him. Either way you cut it, it is toxic for you and you need to get out immediately. He will not change and you cannot change him.

A good relationship makes you feel like you are better than you were before not less.

Don't let insecurity keep you drinking his poison, it will kill you inside in the end.
 

Growing123

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Malignant narcissist definitely. He sounds textbook. Go no contact. Avoid being gaslighted, avoid being hoovered and avoid his word salad. Read all the articles on www.psychopathfree.net
He's toxic. They're never wrong, it is always our fault. It will seem like you're losing a limb as he has doubtlessly created a trauma bond. In the long run you'll emerge a stronger person. Good luck.
 

hnla394

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Yes. Classic narcissist. Run. The good days will be fewer and further between.

But extricating yourself will be tricky. Any breakup conversation will follow those old pattens. You’ll cite your reasons to leave him, and he will then catalogue your faults or accuse you of unreasonableness, so you feel like the bad guy. That’s a tactic

Keep reminding yourself that it’s him, not you. You may have “faults”—which are probably just your legitimate emotional needs—but they’re irrelevant. You want to end the relationship, and that’s your right. For any reason, or no reason at all. His reaction is his own problem.

You’ve spent a long time walking on eggshells around this guy. When you break up, you’ll finally be stomping on those eggshells. It won’t be pretty. But the eggshells will be gone.

Then cut off contact. Not because you’re punishing him, or trying to see him hurt in return for the hurt he’s given you. But because you need to care for yourself. Again, it may feel lonely without him, but you’ll gradually begin to prefer the calm of your own company to the mine field of interacting with him. Regain some equilibrium. Then you’ll be ready to look for a healthy relationship.

But there’s one other thing I urge you to do. Get a therapist, and join a support group. Even after you’ve broken up. We rarely end up in a toxic relationship as an adult without a toxic parent or carer. Did you have a parent who treated you a bit like he does...or who still treats you that way? We don’t end up in the clutches of a narcissist by accident.

I’d recommend Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families, or ACoA. They helped me a lot. And take some time to find the right therapist.

The dismount won’t be easy.

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.

One of the things tho that gets me is like If I try and separate myself, I get thoughts in my head like "maybe it is me, maybe I am really overbearing or too depressed... etc etc." and then I want to contact him again
 

Brodie888

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One of the things tho that gets me is like If I try and separate myself, I get thoughts in my head like "maybe it is me, maybe I am really overbearing or too depressed... etc etc." and then I want to contact him again

Yes, this way of thinking is why spousal abuse persists and some people go from one abusive relationship to the next.

The more he breaks you down, the more you will feel like you have no other choice than to be with him. What he does works, that's why he does it.
 

Brodie888

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My other advice is to seek professional therapy to work on developing your self identity. When you have a strong sense of who and what you are then it's much more difficult for people to pull you down and doubt yourself.

Essentially the process of brainwashing someone is to desolve the things that anchors their mind to reality and imposing an alternate reality that serves the abuser.
 

headbang8

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One of the things tho that gets me is like If I try and separate myself, I get thoughts in my head like "maybe it is me, maybe I am really overbearing or too depressed... etc etc." and then I want to contact him again

As I said, it sounds like he’s shaming you for having legitimate emotional needs.

“Overbearing?” Does that mean you stand up for yourself? “Too depressed?” Depression is not a character flaw.

Everyone has his faults. But your “faults” are irrelevant to the issue. He makes you miserable. You ain’t gonna get less depressed while you’re together.

You said you want to call him when you think about the criticisms he’s made of you. That’s not a healthy pattern. Does he call you? Would he get angry if you didn’t call him? If he gets angry when you reply to his criticism, that’s the reddest of flags.

I’m sure you have some work to do on yourself, especially to keep healthy boundaries. That’s normal. But it’s a separate issue. If the conversation always goes “you’re depressed” or “you’re overbearing” as opposed to “it makes me frustrated to see you so sad” or “I find it overbearing when you do X”, then he’s toxic. He’s attacking your self-esteem.

It isn’t easy, what you’re going through. But you’ll emerge from the other end.
 
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hypolimnas

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My opinion is you know he isn't good for you but you are afraid. I reccommend you take a break from relationships and work on the relationship that matters - your relationship with yourself. You know you deserve better. The world is full of beautiful men.
 

tito21

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Why would you waste your time I'm writing out out this horror when you could just leave his backside? Trust me be single and be happy... people like that need to be as far away from people like you as possible and this is coming from previous experience. Mate, dump him, dump him now; in fact dump him yesterday.

Maybe OP couldn’t resist the guy’s cock or good looks? Or both?
 

Brodie888

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Maybe OP couldn’t resist the guy’s cock or good looks? Or both?

In a way you are right. Little girls and gay twinks cream their panties reading books like Twilight about meeting some dark mysterious boy who is both dangerous and slightly broken in a way that nobody can understand except for the main character.

So when in real life, you meet this guy who is way better looking or hung like a horse gives you attention but is physically or emotionally abusive, you tell yourself he didn't mean it or you can fix him or you just need to try a bit harder everything will be happily ever after.

If only life was that simple!
 

tito21

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In a way you are right. Little girls and gay twinks cream their panties reading books like Twilight about meeting some dark mysterious boy who is both dangerous and slightly broken in a way that nobody can understand except for the main character.

So when in real life, you meet this guy who is way better looking or hung like a horse gives you attention but is physically or emotionally abusive, you tell yourself he didn't mean it or you can fix him or you just need to try a bit harder everything will be happily ever after.

If only life was that simple!


I don’t think that’s the case at all.

Young girls and gay twinks don’t want to fix anyone. They just want to be seen with a ‘good looking’ guy to validate their self-esteem and get a huge confident/ego boost out of it - that they too are good looking, after all they did just land a good looking guy. And will do whatever it takes to keep that delusion/self-validation going.

God knows there are plenty of ‘broken’ and ‘dark mysterious’ guys around who are average or below average looking. You don’t see any young girl or gay twink paying them any attention.
 

Brodie888

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I don’t think that’s the case at all.

Young girls and gay twinks don’t want to fix anyone. They just want to be seen with a ‘good looking’ guy to validate their self-esteem and get a huge confident/ego boost out of it - that they too are good looking, after all they did just land a good looking guy. And will do whatever it takes to keep that delusion/self-validation going.

God knows there are plenty of ‘broken’ and ‘dark mysterious’ guys around who are average or below average looking. You don’t see any young girl or gay twink paying them any attention.

I'm not sure if you are following the conversation. We are talking about a guy who is being abused by his partner yet is indecisive if he should stay or go because he's not sure if the problem is the boyfriend or himself.
 

tito21

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I'm not sure if you are following the conversation. We are talking about a guy who is being abused by his partner yet is indecisive if he should stay or go because he's not sure if the problem is the boyfriend or himself.

I understood your earlier response perfectly.

You were assuming that OP was like a young twilight fan-girl or a naive gay twink wanting to fix his ‘dark mysterious’ bf.

And I said that it may not be the case and that OP was captivated by his bf’s good looks and ignored all the red flags and ‘will do whatever it takes’ to keep it going.

Op is clearly unhappy in his relationship and yet he couldn’t leave his bf. They have only dated for a few months and not married for a few years. So like the most obvious things/answers in life, i’m guessing and assuming that OP’s bf is a good looking guy and that’s why OP is willing to put up with the abusive behaviours from his bf. If OP’s bf were average or below average looking, OP would dump him in a hot minute for looking at him funny or fart within his vicinity.
 

Brodie888

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I understood your earlier response perfectly.

You were assuming that OP was like a young twilight fan-girl or a naive gay twink wanting to fix his ‘dark mysterious’ bf.

And I said that it may not be the case and that OP was captivated by his bf’s good looks and ignored all the red flags and ‘will do whatever it takes’ to keep it going.

Op is clearly unhappy in his relationship and yet he couldn’t leave his bf. They have only dated for a few months and not married for a few years. So like the most obvious things/answers in life, i’m guessing and assuming that OP’s bf is a good looking guy and that’s why OP is willing to put up with the abusive behaviours from his bf. If OP’s bf were average or below average looking, OP would dump him in a hot minute for looking at him funny or fart within his vicinity.

You're entitled to your perspective.