I want to have children with a woman I love body and soul. I want to feel love and be aroused by her breast, the curves of her hips, the smell of her, personality and the most of all the feel of me inside her. The trouble I face is I love men; all I do is look at men, I try sometimes to look at women but I feel no desire towards them nor interest that even measures up to how I feel looking at men. Some people may say being gay is not a problem, that I should do what I love and feel best. But I don't feel the way I want to be. Or should I find a weird balance for me. One of my earliest memories when I was younge was I attracted to men, muscled men on the front of underwear and magazines made me interested into what was under their pants. I would play with the girls at school till I was in 9 (then a friend my age introduced me to play his mates at school). Most of the Sims I created were male and had relationships with both sexes. It was only till I was 9 did I relies that I could be gay or what the term meant. And during my teens I hoped I would grow out this assumed phase. My family is well of, my parents gave me a great education; they gave me what I wanted, taught me to work and put effort into making money, relationships and trust. I was well taught about and met other cultures, homosexual couples and religions. Watched tones documentaries and classic films when I was young. Well read. Used a lot of the internet to my advantage like so others to fill my sexual questions at an early age. My parents are loving and caring people who don't mind if they have gay son (and they don't know it yet). I was raised as a non strict Christian but my parents never forced any religion on to me. They were never strongly into religion but used to go to church when I was young but not anymore. All they want is to be happy and peaceful. It was always my choice to be Christian or not. They never minded. I still some times go to church. I believe that being gay is fine with God as long as I keep faith and practice his words of love, caring justice and peace with the ability that I may do some good in this world to improve it on the behalf of him and scientifically. My real cur is my greatest strength is the scientific view. in the question: why I should be gay and meaning being an anomaly in the function of life as men and men cannot make life. I then relate to God that he made us the way we are. Me being gay therefore it could be one big challenge that others dont have; Similar to a person has with being crippled it is how we were made but it is a challenge to make us better for his cause. I do not think being gay is a disease or something repulsive. It is so hard to express what I think. But one barrier so great that if I knew how to get past this I can initiate a life and be gay and being what God meant I was to be in life. There has been no doubt there has been influence by my brother who shows disgust in gays. He is also one of my closest family members along with my sister but unlike him she to accepts people gay or not. On the other hand I guess it boils down to is in a crude and venting way All my life people have said are you gay? since I was 9 ( not from my friends I would play with but) others I would just meet shortly or people who I dont like to meet. All this makes me angry that they who dare even try to ask a question in an insulting manner to hurt me and be fucking right! I hate it. (so what right? but it is infuriating to let them have that point made against me) Not only that but my despise to my mother (love her except in this area) who last year expressed she loves to be with gays only because they are so feminine; she would signaling with her hand rotating left to right as she spoke on the matter. This disgusted me for her stereotyping. Yeh as if every gay person is like that and to let her know I am gay would bring pleasure to her that I can expect such a stereotype bull crap on me and therefore I hold this secret away from her is disgust that she may treat me the same. how is my hair, or clothes I dont care about that stuff I am still a man! I love men and I know that for a fact, but I cannot do any anal nor the image of the butt as I dont like it and I know others dont too. I accept I am gay and there is no way past that. But if there is a chance to change I would sadly to betray myself to know what is like to be straight. I do fantasize what it is like to have sex with a woman and it sounds all very pleasurable to be in a vagina so pleasurable, to play with boobs to touch, to feel a woman I love. But I know in reality it is not so and only could I get pleasure from the contact rather that my sexual turn ons and feelings to a woman (which would betray her trust). I also like the idea that men are less foreign to me we have the same hormones and less emotional baggage to handle that woman can give and weird expectation of psychic ability to know what they mean and do what they want in exact detail. Of course I am wrong in most cases on this statement as woman can be as direct as men and men be as emotional as women but this is me trying to make some light to my situation I guess I just want none of this burden of stereotypes, I am manly, and I want to be accepted. I want to know what it is like to love a woman, burn the lust for her as I do for men and to be able to reflect love to a woman who expresses deep feelings for me. I don't want to prove some asshole right that I am gay and I don't want to be ashamed to love men and I also don't want to betray myself to wanting to be straight. I guess there is no reason why I should write 70% straight 30% gay on my profile but I think until I am willing to admit it and be open with the people I live with I am gay then will I change my profile it at least more to 70% gay and 30% straight. I dont know really but I guess I am venting through this whole topic and it is good to get out all my thoughts to people who can put me back into order. I know my behavior is disgraceful to my issue but that is my jumbled mind. Unable to find what I want. Which to be fair everyone has troubles in one issue to the next. Too bad I am not bi-sexual lol Much obliged to all who read this and/or has some input on this matter.