Issues with Wife in bedroom?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by kinda_hung, Jul 31, 2010.

  1. kinda_hung

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    I have several questions for the women here and guys too if they have any input in this issue.

    We will be married for 9 yrs soon. We have 3 children together. I would like to know how married couples keep the spark going in the bedroom? I have a very high sex drive and it seems like she could care less. She says she likes sex etc and is ok with it. But she doesn't want to do anything different in the bedroom. Seems like most of the time we masterbate each other until she is finally wet and then have boring sex. It takes her forever to get horny and I mostly have to use lube and a little vibe to get her going! We watch porn sometime and that helps, but just depends though because some porn she thinks is gross-discusting etc.

    I've tried to do some kinky things in the bedroom and she shy's away from it. Says it's too late or she's too tired. The times that I have really spent time caressing her body and playing with her, she loves. But she doesn't reciprocate. Seems like the only thing she wants to do is get her wet with lube, have sex, and go to bed. ASAP....

    I'm bored with the same o stuff all the time. I'm seriously contemplating finding a piece of ass on the side for some fun. I'm 30 and can't enjoy life with a woman that's so dull in bed. I've talked with her about the issue and she thinks I'm addicted to sex and nothing will ever be good enough for me! :mad:
     
  2. ncsu_computer_dude

    ncsu_computer_dude Active Member

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    I can't help much married 4.5 years and our's is about the same. We are both 32. There is one thing that helps her though. She is on top and basically grinds over my dick until she cums. No penetration, just her going across my dick with it laying on my abs. It works for her every time.
     
  3. D_yabbadabbadont

    D_yabbadabbadont New Member

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    You tried doing the housework for her? Do you think she wants to be a bedroom goddess when she has you and 3 kids to look after everyday?
    Just a thought.
     
  4. pronatalist

    pronatalist Active Member

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    First of all, I am an unmarried virgin, so I don't have experience. But I would suggest, dump the porn. I hear some guys have problems with unrealistic fantasies they get from porn. Porn rarely is real, but ACTING. And many people can't perform like a porn star anyway. So dump the unrealistic fantasies.

    What's wrong really with have sex and go to bed ASAP? After 9 years. Why must sex be kinky? Sometimes it's just an intimate body biological release. And doesn't a good sexual release put one to sleep anyhow? Much better to sleep than the nasty after-sex cigarette I hear of somewhere. I can't stand cigarette smoking or smoke and don't smoke.

    I imagine sex gets old with old age anyway. Side effects of contraceptives are seriously under-reported, and I don't believe in using any birth control, and children are far more rewarding long term than temporary fleeting orgasms. Relax and let nature, even possible pregnancy, happen. We make these things too complicated.

    Some sex therapists may be perverts? So I don't know if any would be any good? I don't know your specific situation, nor do I have experience with this sort of counseling. So those are my ideas. See if any of them fit or help.

    Oh, and one more thing. How about sex at a different time of day, maybe in the morning while you both still have energy. Many people are worn out by the end of the day. Try it in the morning or something, tell the children not to disturb you until you are out and about, on a weekend or when you don't have the morning rush of getting off to work. Or get up a little earlier.
     
  5. DNS0710

    DNS0710 New Member

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    For women, sexual desire is as much psychological - especially as a starting point - as it is physical. That you say "it takes her forever to get horny" is a very big sign...

    Instead of focusing on the act of sex, do more in daily life to make her feel beautiful and desired and important to you. Do you still do all the little romantic gestures that you did when you were trying to win her affection when you first met? Bring back the romance. When you do caress her and make her feel good, make it about her and not that you are doing it with the expectation of "now it's my turn".

    The biggest challenge for married couples is to continue to see each other as romantic, sexual beings. Being a "wife", "mother", "household manager", "husband", "father"... all those other job descriptions tend to get in the way, as do 3 children. Have you spent any long weekends alone, with no kids?

    Make her laugh. Validate her.
     
  6. D_Landrocke DeLonguepiece III

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    I really really hate to say this but, get used to it.
     
  7. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    These are all excellent suggestions! I'll also add that many women do not find visual porn a turn on. Erotic literature may appeal to her more. Try this site:
    Literotica Free Adult Community - Erotic Story and Picture Index
     
  8. cbrmale

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    Been here, and it was similar for me too. Same old routine sex, and everytime I suggested something different I was told I was a sex maniac. I tried everything, especially positive affirmation, but hit a brick wall. I was also travelling at the time and met someone, and we had an affair. Later when my business travel finished, I had another affair, and my wife guessed there was someone else. I never confirmed or denied it, but she became more receptive to expanding her sexual horizons. I borrowed and we watched some DVDs, which were educational but in an explicit, almost loving-pornographic way. Before the affair, she never would have agreed to watching something like this. We then put into practice some of the things we watched and, surprise, she really adored it! Sex became interesting and exciting for her. We ended up well beyond the DVDs into more kinky stuff, and shortly we are going to retire to the living room for some wild debauchery.

    I did what I did out of frustration, having exhausted all other options. Like most women, my wife guessed what was going on, so don't any man think he can hide an affair, because it always shows. Like many women, my wife accepted the situation, and like many marriages, it didn't lead to divorce. Fortunately for me, it led to great sex on the home front, rather than with girlfriends in hotel rooms. Just shows that most, if not all, wives have this in them, if they make an effort.

    By the way, I don't recommend this approach EXCEPT that if you have an otherwise close, affectionate and loving relationship, have a candid conversation that routine, unsatisfying sex can and does cause men to stray. Be that an affair, commercial sex or whatever. Do this with care and consideration, not like a threat. It's nothing more than calmly expressing your frustration. Something to consider: prostitution is legal in Australia, and the majority of clients are married men. Wonder why?
     
  9. TheAlpha2

    TheAlpha2 New Member

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    Stop acting like she's your wife and start acting like she's the hot-ass secretary you want to bang.

    From a martial, emotional-connect stand-point, romantic affection is to women what hawt sex is to men.

    Do you have a baby-sitter? Do you still take her out?
    Do you routinely buy her small gifts?
    Do you routinely to her favors even when she says not to bother?
    Any/everything you can do to let her know you are genuinely thinking about her, especially when you are apart, will help.

    Do you accept your responsibility as a father and do what you can to minimize her load?
    Saying you'll watch the kids then fucking off and them bugging her doesn't score points.

    Make changes first then ask her to.

    There's a book you can get that covers the ten basics; top five for men, top five for women.
    His Needs; Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

    If you want the lady-in-the-streets/freak-in-the-sheets you need to the gentlemen/james bond.


    Same thing here, it literally took an affair and threat of divorce for her to give two shits.
    Once they get the ring and have your kids they own you.
    After divorce they still get most of your money.

    Three kids means she won't take responsibility for birth-control either so you'll have a fourth soon.
    Don't want to get snipped in-case you divorce...
    The best option is to bank your sperm and get snipped.
    That way you control when and if you procreate again.

    Good-luck, you'll need it.
     
  10. kinda_hung

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    Ok. I'll try and answer some of yall's questions etc.

    We try and get out by ourselves once a month with out the kids. It's kinda hard since she works every other weekend. And once a month I have weekend call at work. So that really leaves 1 weekend a month for us.

    I do household stuff all the time. I have to as she works later. I make supper for the kids, clean up the house, run bathes, etc before she even gets home. She says I do a good job. I buy her things and have sent flowers to her work out of the blue. I oogle over her like it was the first time laying eyes on her. I try and kiss her or touch her in a romantic way during the day and she say to stop and that all I want is SEX! So I stop, then she asks me why I'm not doing that and if I'm mad!

    I don't get this woman. We have talked about it, fought about it. We've seen a councelor a few yrs back for other issues and he asked about our sex life. I said it sucked. He asked if I was having issues with ED etc. I said no. That it was her issue. So we sat down and the councelor said that she needs to think about sex more often during the day. That when she gets home for the evening she would be more in the mood for it. He said she needs to put away all her other thoughts at night also. Women like to think about everything, BUT what's going on it seems like. They are constantly thinking about kids, work, food, bills, other peoples problems, etc. It seems as though the last few times we have talked about this issue she has brought up that she has a lot on her mind. So I don't think she clears her mind before sex. Nor does she ever think about sex during the day to even make herself horny and want sex. She says she does want and enjoy sex and that our marriage needs a good sexual relationship. Just seems like she doesn't wanna make the all out effort to make it happen.

    I am snipped btw. So no more kids for us. To the last guy who posted, you are right. She wasn't ever good with birth control, so I had to do something. I don't want anymore kids, even if we do divorce. 3 kids is plenty for me. And you're right. I'm screwed. Married, 3 kids, house, etc. If I divorce her I pay out the ass for child support.

    Also. For those that talked about the porn etc. That was her idea mostly to get her into the mood? I could care-less about watching it and for the most part don't even pay attention to it as I'm usually playing with her. I would rather shut the TV off, light the candles, and play some nice music and enjoy each other. I've tried that before and then she turns the TV on!
     
    #10 kinda_hung, Aug 1, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2010
  11. grower_60

    grower_60 New Member

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    Kinda_hung,
    If you can stay together until she's around 40 you'll see a huge change in her sexual desire.
    I went through a similar experience with my wife.
     
  12. Riven650

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    Oh dear. You sound Jaded.

    To the OP: This is an issue for lots of us. My wife has terminal cancer and has been made terribly ill by the treatments, but she's stronger at the moment and somehow I've encouraged her to feel wanted and sexy enough to enjoy having sex again. But sex was already becoming less frequent before she got breast cancer as we also have an ongoing problem in that my sex drive is almost as strong as it was when I was a youngster and hers fell away when she hit menopause 15 years ago.

    You can get drugs to lower your sex drive but there will be some side effects. She can get drugs to raise her sex drive, but again there will be side effects. You could look into those. My wife cannot take HRT (drugs to raise her sex hormone levels) so instead I'm going to try a drug which will lower my sex hormones. I wouldn't suggest you do anything like that though, because the chances are that there's nothing wrong with your wife's or your hormones.

    It sounds like you need to stop bugging her and making her feel guilty. That's a real turn-off. Instead, you need some romantic time together away from the kids. Time to re-find the boyfriend/girlfriend feeling that brought you together. Do the things you did when you were courting. It's very difficult. My wife and I have tried this and we always end up talking about our son, and nothing kills passion faster. So you have to chat with her about this. But first you have to see if she agrees that you both have a problem. At the moment it sounds like she thinks she's alright and you have the problem. You MUST NOT argue with her over this. If she won't discuss it, you have to see what you can do on your own. ie. take the advice of other posters here and make some romantic gestures. But make sure they aren't loaded. You MUST NOT make her feel she owes you sex. Please forget about having an affair of any sort, or casual sex outside the marriage. That's a recipe for losing your wife and your kids. Just kick that idea into touch immediately. You might need some extra help so don't be afraid to see an marriage guidance counsellor. Best of luck.
     
  13. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    As a woman that has been in your wife's situation (and currently in yours) I would like to just share. It's not helping me but if it helps you then at least someone ends up better for it.

    I went through the same thing with my husband. It took a lot out of me emotionally to maintain a house and be a mom. After I was done with taking care of my son's needs I had to tend to my husband's and I got lost in the shuffle and no longer knew myself. I had gone from upwardly mobile career girl that used to have nooners with my guy to the housewife raising the kids and no sense of self. When he tried to have sex with me I didn't want it. Not because I didn't want sex, but I was so overwhelmed by everything else that I was mentally and physically exhausted. I couldn't mentally shift gears to even think about sex, nevermind have it. We had a lot of financial stress as well, which made things worse. While the sex was sporadic, it still wasn't much. I didn't start getting my sex drive back until my son started going to school. By that time I hit 30 and I ended up wanting sex all the time. Things were okay for a while but ultimately my husband started feeling like a sex toy (not kidding) so I backed off. We've had our sexual troubles since then and they all seem to coincide with what is going on in our lives. I am in the same place you are right now where my husband will barely hug and kiss me, nevermind fuck me. When I ask him about it he says it has to do with my health issues and he's afraid to set off my heart arrhythmia but I think he just doesn't want me anymore. He won't even accept a blow job, which I don't understand....take what you will from that. I know he's not cheating because I know where he is at all times but I might almost be relieved if he was. At least then I would know that he has desire for someone, even if it's not me. I'm not gonna lie, it's damn near ruining our marriage because I feel alone. I've gone on too long with my story, but my point is maybe you should just talk with her and ask her to be as bluntly honest as possible. Be prepared to hear some hurtful stuff and see if you can wade through it. And be honest with her, tell her how you feel about being alienated from the marital bed. I've done this with my husband and he doesn't seem to care much. I'm thinking you two have a shot and I hope that my pathetic little story will help in some way. My mother always said "it takes two to make it and two to break it" and she's right. Back off of the sex and try hearing her out. It will be worth it in the end if you can solve it and I think you can. Good luck. :)
     
  14. Xspree

    Xspree Member

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    My suggestion would be do all what riven and grower said.. While you wait for her to be in her 40's, find a woman on the side to fuck so that you wont be pressureing your wife for sex, just be her friend at the moment..Im in the opposite situation, ive had sex with 4 women in my life only one of them ive had good sex with, the rest were 2 to 3 times and that was it.. Im 28 and i started haveing sex at 26, ive realized that i had at least 15, to 20 women i could have had sex with in the past, but because i ignored women sincemiddle scholl i wasn't aware of the suttle hints women left me..I regret not hooking up with them.. to this day im still unsure of how to seal the deal...
     
  15. Riven650

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    It's not a pathetic little story BBW36. It's the filp side of the coin and a good reminder (to the doubters) that it can go each way. Your perspective is very valuable. I do feel for you here. It can really undermine your sense of self when your significant other seems to lose interest like that. I really hope you can find a way to re-kindle your man's interest. It sounds a lot like depression over the money issues is one of the major factors. We went through a lot of those hard times and it didn't help a bit. In our case though, we met at a time when neither of us were making enough money so perhaps we were better able to cope with financial hardcship without it impacting our sex life too badly. But we never got to the point where we were in a stand-off about it. That kind of thing really does warrant some professional help IMHO.
     
  16. Riven650

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    No. Seriously Xspree. finding a woman on the side is not a sensible recommendation. That's far, far too risky, and these people have too much to lose. There are many many low risk strategies to try that will work. C'mon folks, think positive.
     
  17. D_Donald_ T_Rump

    D_Donald_ T_Rump New Member

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    Details please.
     
  18. idesofmarch

    idesofmarch New Member

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    This was so touching to read. It's not just the sex. Most of us need "skin".
     
  19. Riven650

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    There are several herbal substances such as liquorice, soy products, flax seeds, and saw palmetto, etc. all of which have chemicals that mimic oestrogen and/or combat testosterone. These have been proven to reduce testosterone, and some men have found them to be beneficial. I've tried most of those and haven't felt much different. Alternatively there are drugs, such as Depo Provira and Cyproterone Acetate, which are designed to combat testosterone. These are very effective indeed, but should be taken under medical supervision, because there are side effects. Dosage can be adjusted to suit your needs, and many men find they can 'take the edge off' their sex drives without losing the ability to perform when needed. But don't expect your doctor to prescribe such drugs without you putting up a very good argument, as these drugs fall under the chemical castration category and the word castration is a big taboo.
     
  20. jonluke6ft2

    jonluke6ft2 New Member

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    Get you some pussy on the side....or whatever you want. If you have expressed your concerns and she has not tried to change. Then you have given her the chance to fix it and she doesn't seem to care. I was in the same situation....I was starting to feel ALOT of resentment....until I got a piece on the side. Now it is all good!!!
     
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